Recovery of an Unwitting Addict

Baylissa Frederick

Baylissa Frederick

August 17, 2012

During my earliest years, as much as I can recall, I was loved and cherished by my family. Even the quirk that caused my right eye to twitch intermittently was observed with nonchalant affection. When I was old enough to understand, my mother told me it was nothing to worry about.  She said I would grow out of it and that I was an endearing and adorable child. I believed her and it became a non-issue. But this was to change a few years later when my parents suddenly divorced and for a brief period I was sent to live with my Aunt Prudence.

Warding off the “spirits”

Unlike my mother and father, my aunt was deeply superstitious. She concluded that the “strange thing that happened to my eye” was enveloped in a web of darkness. One Sunday while having dinner, my eye started twitching. Aunt Prudence proceeded to repeatedly hit my face while commanding, “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” Not ever having been struck by my parents, I was deeply shaken.

Of course, I could not stop the involuntary movements. I quietly slid from my chair and retreated to my room followed by Abigail, my loyal tabby. She snuggled against me while I clutched my pillow and silently cried for my darling mother and siblings whom I missed terribly. But after getting over the initial shock, in my child’s mind I was able to discern that since my aunt was normally kind to me, it was not her intention to have hurt me.

Despite my dismissing Aunt Prudence’s absurd theory, this incident left me with an indelible notion that I should never again let anyone witness the twitching episodes. The fact that I was teased at school affirmed my decision and I spent the rest of my childhood and early adulthood successfully hiding my quirk. I would pretend something was in my eye, turn away or bend and tie my shoelace just to avoid being seen twitching.

But apart from this issue, I was content and led a fulfilling life. I enjoyed the theatre, dancing, tennis, nature walks and yoga. I matured into a responsible, fit and vibrant young woman who rarely drank alcohol, did not smoke, take recreational drugs or have any other addictive tendencies.

Dependency and downward spiral 

When I went to see my doctor, many years later in my mid-thirties, I had no idea my life was about to change. My intention was to get through my wedding day without the embarrassment of twitching.  Remember, after Aunt Prudence’s attempted exorcism, I made a childhood vow that no one would ever again see me twitch. So when my well-meaning doctor gave me a prescription for clonazepam (Klonopin/Rivotril) saying it was a child’s dosage and would help, I was pleased and hopeful. Unfortunately, there was no Google or Wikipedia back then and I had no clue that the drug was addictive or that the dose I was given was in fact equivalent to 30 mg of diazepam (Valium).

As the years went by I became gradually unwell. A thick fog descended upon my brain, my memory began to deteriorate and I could barely complete my sentences. Eventually I had to give up my work as a mental health counsellor along with my clinical psychotherapy studies. I knew “something” was wrong but still had not made the link with the medication.

Then one afternoon on my way home from my new, less intellectually challenging job, the cognitive fog became so intense, I got lost. I couldn’t figure out which apartment building was mine so I kept driving around in circles in my once familiar neighborhood. When I finally found my home, with a deep sense of foreboding, I stumbled through my front door and began desperately scouring the Internet for answers.

Deliverance

The tears of relief gently rolled down my cheeks as I read the online manual, Benzodiazepines: How They Work and How to Withdraw, written by the UK’s leading expert on benzodiazepines, Professor C. Heather Ashton. I could literally feel the light-bulb in my compromised brain go on as I recognised my challenges. The following morning I all but bounded into my doctor’s office, happily waving my printed copy. “Look doctor,” I chirped. “I’ve found out what is wrong with me!” He complied with my request to be tapered off and I left flooded with relief, knowing that I would one day be well again.

Although I was not prepared for the myriad of bizarre symptoms that plagued my body and mind while tapering, I somehow survived. My withdrawal was intense and at times I thought I would either go completely insane or die. For the first time in my life I experienced distorted visual, tactile and auditory perception, panic attacks, nightmares, organic fear and other bizarre manifestations. The physical symptoms which included dizziness, vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, lethargy, chills, profuse sweating, numbness, tremors, tingling, zaps, burning and nerve pain, were also very distressing. Self-help tools such as diaphragmatic breathing, mindfulness and positive self-talk helped me to cope while I waited for the repair process (up-regulation of my GABA receptors) to be completed.

Recovery and moving on

Without doubt, my symptoms were all due to withdrawal. Around the end of the second year off the medication, with the exception of the twitch and hearing distortions, they abated and never returned. Ten years after my first dose I was back to being the happy, calming and grounded person I once thought I had lost forever.

I now feel a million times better than I did while on the drug. Whenever I think back, the old adage “If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it” always comes to mind. Still, I hold no resentment or blame towards my doctor, myself or anyone else. Letting go is a very important aspect of healing and without releasing the past, one can never truly move forward.

Recovery has been like a rebirth for me and I feel extremely grateful and privileged to be able to use my experience positively by supporting others coping with withdrawal through our Recovery Road charity and the Recovery and Renewal self-help book. Like many who overcome a challenging withdrawal, future life obstacles seem dauntless and there is a feeling of near-invincibility that never leaves. Things previously taken for granted mean much more and life is precious.

Supporting those in withdrawal

Our Recovery Road helpline work has given us profound awareness and insight into what could be considered an underworld of trauma and devastation experienced by people discontinuing benzodiazepines, z-drugs and antidepressants.

It was indeed surprising to find that an increasing number who contact us are struggling with antidepressant withdrawal (mainly from SSRIs). We have observed that the withdrawal experience is very similar to that of others affected by benzodiazepines and z-drugs and the ways in which it impacts relationships, finances and other areas of life are the same.

We also note that a significant number of our callers were prescribed their medication for medical problems such as menopausal symptoms, reflux and chronic pain. Despite not having had any history of anxiety, insomnia or depression, as it was for me, they experience the same types and intensity of symptoms as those with these pre-existing problems.

With regard to concerns, the main issues that affect our callers are:

-       Being told withdrawal does not last longer than a few weeks or months and that symptoms must be due to an underlying or new condition. This is misleading and often results in misdiagnoses, inappropriate treatment and further medication and dependency issues.

-       Not having enough time to reduce slowly off the drug, thereby increasing the possibility of a more intense and protracted withdrawal. Abrupt withdrawal, detoxing over short periods and being forced to discontinue the drug without psychological support tend to be the common factors present in our worst cases.

-       Not having adequate information and support to manage the withdrawal process thus leaving them feeling desperate and at a loss as to how to cope.

Every doctor I consulted told me I could not still be in withdrawal. I am pleased that I declined their offer of confinement to a psychiatric unit. Maybe I was fortunate to indubitably know that the clonazepam was the source of my problems, and to be right.

I am not a medic and there is much more for me to learn about withdrawal and recovery. What I do know is that a worrying number of people are plagued by the most disturbing and debilitating symptoms when discontinuing these drugs – symptoms which tend to surface either when the drug becomes no longer effective (due to tolerance) or at the time of tapering, and which disappear with recovery. I know this because I write and speak to them every day.

 

Note: Not everyone experiences a difficult withdrawal. Some people are able to discontinue antidepressants, benzodiazepines and z-drugs with very few or no problems. However, please note that stopping abruptly (cold-turkey) is dangerous. Detoxing over short periods is also not advisable. It is best to safely and responsibly taper off under medical supervision.

 

Baylissa (Bliss) Frederick

Founder & Coordinator of Recovery Road Wellness Project non-profit organization

Author of ‘Recovery & Renewal’ self-help book (available at Amazon and other book retailers)

Website: www.recovery-road.org

 

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18 thoughts on “Recovery of an Unwitting Addict”

      • Bliss,
        This is a great piece. Thanks for sharing your story. You help so many of us in this horrific fight to heal.

        At the end of your story you suggest people taper with the help of a doctor. Good advice, however people should be made aware that unless their MD understands the Ashton Manual, they may get advice that causes severe withdrawal symptoms. If you want to taper your benzo, please ask your doctor if he or she follows a slow taper and understands the bizarre physical and/or mental symptoms you may experience AND they are willing to help you tolerate them as you heal INSTEAD Of putting you on more meds, or back on a higher dose of your benzo.

        MANY doctors are uneducated about benzo withdrawal.

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        • Thank you for your input, Jennifer. Yes, the best scenario is that the doctor has in-depth knowledge and awareness of tapering and withdrawal issues. The UK withdrawal charities now recommend a minimum period of 3 weeks at each stage of reduction – ideally 4 to 6 weeks depending on the intensity of symptoms and how well the person is coping. (We expect the Ashton Manual’s tapering schedules to be amended to reflect this in the near future.) Other factors such as dosage and duration on the drug are also considered. There are other successful tapering methods that are safe and responsible and more medics are becoming aware. So we remain hopeful! :)

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  3. Hi Baylissa, as always you are an great source of comfort to people going through the often very lonely hell of withdrawals. can I ask you a favor to add to your articles the possibility of the ‘kindling affect’. it has been true with me and many I have talked to. you mentioned that many people are able to get off of benzos with little or now issues. and I see that is true. I work in the healing arts and I get to talk to many people about the drugs they take and how their relationships with these drugs. the thing I have been seeing is that each time person gets off of benzos and then for some reason goes back on, it gets increasingly harder until sometimes near impossable to get back off.
    love,
    Judith

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    • What happens is that going on and off any kind of psychiatric medication can make the nervous system hypersensitive to anything that’s neuroactive, including formerly innocuous substances like caffeine and B vitamins.

      When the nervous system is hypersensitive, even small amounts of neuroactive medications can set off the “kindling effect.”

      This becomes even more complicated with benzos since the benzos themselves, formerly calming, might go paradoxical at any time, sending the person into even more intense symptoms.

      At that point, there’s not much else to do but settle in for recovery from prolonged withdrawal syndrome, a condition that needs much, much more attention from medicine and psychiatric activists.

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  4. Hi Judith,

    Thank you for your comment. I am so sorry to hear that you’ve found subsequent taper/s off your medication to be harder and I know that sadly, this is the case for others too.

    This article gives just a brief overview of withdrawal based on our helpline observations and also shares a bit of my story. My intention is not to invalidate the experiences of those who find it increasingly difficult to withdraw from a benzodiazepine after completely tapering and reinstating (some on multiple occasions). For further information, Wikipedia has a detailed, alcohol focused entry on “Kindling (sedative-hypnotic withdrawal).”

    However, if anyone reading this is planning to taper off after completely withdrawing and going back on, please be aware that after having supported thousands of people in withdrawal, we have noticed that a significant number find their subsequent withdrawals to be easier or no more intense that previous experiences. Withdrawal is a very unique experience and the reality is that it is doable. No matter how problematic it may be, we do eventually heal.

    Judith, thanks again and I hope you are feeling much improved now or that you are well on your way to recovery!

    Love & Light,
    Baylissa

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  5. Dear Bliss – thank you for sharing your journey into and out of psychiatric drugs. And for sharing your story of hope and recovery.

    Using your experiences to help others, through writing and the website support, is a really positive way of making sense of it all. Well done to you!

    I very much like and agree with your comment “Still, I hold no resentment or blame towards my doctor, myself or anyone else. Letting go is a very important aspect of healing and without releasing the past, one can never truly move forward.”.

    All the best, Chrys

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  6. Thank you, this article was really moving and ended on a very positive note. I was also prescribed diazepam after a family trauma. I tried to taper using the Ashton manual as my GP did not appear to have knowledge of how to taper from the drug. I was unable to complete my taper as for me the manual guidance of every 1 to 2 weeks was too fast. Sadly, I was then taken off the drug by a consultant in a detox unit and the results were horrendous. After leaving the unit I suffered from severe pain and convulsions and had to reinstate the drug to come off slowly. Because of this my withdrawal was a very intense and painful one, I was confined to bed during my subsequent taper. Please, if you are tapering my advice is to come off slowly there is nothing gained by rushing. I want to take this opportunity to thank Bliss for her book which is my lifeline. Also the ‘Recovery Road’ website which I use, and find most helpful. This article has given me hope that despite what has happened to me that I will recover.

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  7. Dear Emily,

    Thank you for sharing and for your wise tapering advice. I am sorry that you’ve had to go through so much as a result of your quick detox. I hope you have begun or will begin to see improvements soon. Please know that even in the worst cases recovery is the natural outcome. In time you will have proof of this! I am pleased that the website and book are helping. Always remember that withdrawal is temporary so as difficult as it may be for you now, it won’t last. Just allow your nervous system the time it needs to heal. It will, the symptoms will go, and one day this will all be behind you. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and keep “Hope” as your constant companion.

    With best wishes,
    Bliss

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  8. Baylissa pointed out this medical fallacy: “Being told withdrawal does not last longer than a few weeks or months and that symptoms must be due to an underlying or new condition. This is misleading and often results in misdiagnoses, inappropriate treatment and further medication and dependency issues.”

    This is the crux of the matter. Everyone — including psychiatric activists — has a vested interest in believing that going off psychiatric drugs is a lot easier than it is.

    (Here, Duncan Double of the Critical Psychiatry Network insists antidepressant withdrawal symptoms are merely psychological http://criticalpsychiatry.blogspot.com/2012/09/what-does-it-mean-to-say-that.html )

    For some people, withdrawing can be very difficult, and the bad advice is dangerous.

    Tapering takes as long as it takes. The rate of taper can be different for everyone. Some can go faster and others need a very long time to come off with minimal problems.

    Unfortunately, since people get such bad advice about tapering, prolonged withdrawal syndrome is also more common than it should be.

    This is as true with antidepressants and other psychiatric drugs as it is with benzodiazepines.

    I also run a peer support site for people mostly coming off antidepressants, and the amount of unnecessary injury breaks my heart every day.

    Thank you, Baylissa, for saying what needs to be said about the lack of knowledge about tapering and prolonged withdrawal syndrome.

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  9. Bliss, I know you’ve must have heard this a lot, I know I have — from doctors — “you can’t be having withdrawal symptoms, there must be something wrong with you psychologically.” This is wrong, dangerous to patients, and very demoralizing.

    Recently I heard the same from a fellow peer support provider. Her reasoning (paraphrased) was, “I never had withdrawal symptoms, nobody I know had them, people who have them must have something wrong with them psychologically. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.” Really!

    I work very hard, as I’m sure you do, to help people get safely off drugs. This kind of thing is so discouraging.

    How do you keep your hope and energy up in the face of so much denial about this very serious problem?

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    • Dear Altostrata,

      Thank you for your kind and useful comments. And sorry for my late response. Things have been very busy and so I’ve only just seen your contributions.

      Yes,every doctor I consulted told me my withdrawal must be over and that it doesn’t last longer than a few weeks, 3 months at most. I was even pressured to agree to an offer confinement to a psychiatric unit which, thankfully, I declined. And daily I hear from people in the same predicament.

      I’ve also heard that theory about people who have withdrawal symptoms either having addictive tendencies or a predisposition – genetically or otherwise. But I’ve worked with 1000s of people and that doesn’t support the fact that some with the most intense symptoms (usually after being taken off the drug too quickly) can reinstate, taper slowly and have few or no symptoms. Not always, but it does happen often.

      Also, I have worked with people with other addictions who discontinue these meds and have no withdrawal reaction. There are other factors and as you know, it’s a very individual process but that “something must be wrong psychologically” has been disproved by our anecdotal evidence. Down-regulated receptors can result in the most bizarre and distressing symptoms, as you know, and they do disappear with recovery is attained.

      Nothing was wrong with me before withdrawal and nothing is wrong with me now. Never touched a cigarette, didn’t like alcohol, never took any other substances, ate sensibly, exercised regularly, had no anxiety, insomnia, etc., and had no addictive tendencies… was as happy and content as I am now.

      Thank you for reaching out to others. I will pop over to your website now. This work is badly needed and I know it can be discouraging to have to witness the suffering of so many as well as the denial, but what keeps me going is seeing people recover (as well as my own self-care). It’s always heartwarming to witness the improvements and to see people who once thought they were dying or permanently damaged go on to heal and live fully functional lives.

      Thanks again for sharing here.

      With warm regards,
      Baylissa

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