Wednesday, September 30, 2020

I don't want to recover.

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  • #75293
    lily.c
    Participant

    People keep telling me to stop self-injuring, so I can look like nothing happened, so they can act like nothing happened.
    But I keep doing it. It’s self-mutilation. It’s also a people’s history.

    I don’t want recovery. I want evidence.
    I want a language about outside and against civilization.
    Outside and against colonialism, patriarchy and capital.

    I’m struggling not to kill myself.
    Halfway inito a bottle of rum, and my housemate has enough ambien to do it.

    • This topic was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by lily.c.
    #75295
    lily.c
    Participant

    Home is gone.

    #75296
    uprising
    Participant

    🙁

    People keep telling me to stop self-injuring, so I can look like nothing happened, so they can act like nothing happened.
    But I keep doing it. It’s self-mutilation. It’s also a people’s history.

    I don’t want recovery. I want evidence.
    I want a language about outside and against civilization.
    Outside and against colonialism, patriarchy and capital.

    FWIW, this^ makes perfect sense to me. I’m sorry you are in so much pain.

    #75298
    nooneinparticular
    Participant

    I wondered why people made such a big deal about self-scarring, especially with all the ways people are manipulated and coerced in this society. It’s especially maddening how people are pushed into worse situations in the name of “helping”, how it is blatantly oppressive and needlessly cruel.

    #75307
    Cyn
    Participant

    I learn how to TRULLY honor every feeling I have, as much as I can, every thought by using mindful self love and kidness.( basically being there for me in a kind , loving way because I am suffering and at one point my voice was not heard)
    I got to a point one day that I cryed holing my self when I remember how in the name of ” fear to loose my family” I chose ( out of hatred) to cut a piece of my body.
    I couldn’t Belive how did I participated injuring my self FOR THEM!!!! So I could be the sick one and the family secret wouldn’t be exposed. But I knew to much, I ” saw” to much. It was me or them. Eventually I chose me and I cryed, and I cryed and I still cry; one for them, the loses , the family dynamic y have clear by now, my loss childhood, teen hood part of my as a healthy, natural sexual being and as a young woman…..a lot of losses I had to be there when I chose to be there FOR ME.

    #75471
    lily.c
    Participant

    Hey, thank you all for replying here… I’m sorry you’ve all been going through these same traps.

    #75540
    lily.c
    Participant

    I’m lying like hell to manipulative/authoritarian people, trying my best to let people who see through the bullshit know how much I appreciate their resistance, avoiding the riskier self-medications, staying alive as non-harmfully as I can, and hope you’re all finding ways to do the same. Mad love. <3

    #75609
    lily.c
    Participant

    I’m trying so hard not to poison myself

    Fuck, these days I can’t even get away with normal drinking

    If interaction with somebody leaves me feelikng like killing myself, that’s a warning sign of abusive relationship maybe?

    But also I’m perpetually horrified, and interactions with **any people** of all kinds leave me feeling that ways

    and it breaks my heart because I’m too emotionally unstable to do anything that fucking matters, to be a shepard/human rights observer by big mountain or to work regularly with disability justice campaigns here or fucking anything

    #75610
    lily.c
    Participant

    At least this one’s not breaking into my house and calling me sexist for defending myself

    or calling me screaming at me about imagined wrongdoings at 1:00 am shortly before deciding to never talk to me again

    but goddamn that don’t make it alright

    #75630
    uprising
    Participant

    but goddamn that don’t make it alright

    This.

    #75648
    Nomadic
    Participant

    No one should accept Recovery, any more than they should accept Therapy, Salvation, Psychiatric Medication, Alcohol, or Street Drugs.

    We need to find Comrades and fight back and obtain redress and social change.

    For me the change began when I realized that anytime I discussed any of the biographical details of my life with anyone, that I was helping my abusers to win. Because our society sides with them, they were able to set it up so that my biography would be invalid unless I submitted. And so people who want to talk to me and know about me are not my comrades. If they were comrades they would have battle scars and be carrying weapons. But no, these are just secondary rapists. So I do not ever give them any information.

    So I have to maintain a military grade of operational security. I will be able to reclaim a socio-public identity when I have scalps to show, and not sooner. But I do now talk non-stop about putting the Pentecostal Daughter Molester into our state prison. He is my first scalp.

    Nomadic

    Dance of Sugar Plum Fairy

    Stanford Memorial Church Organ
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEhWzkgR6AQ

    Theater Organ
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qY6mYsviL4

    #75655
    nooneinparticular
    Participant

    re: emotional instability…

    it can be a pain in the ass. it has taken me a long time to learn how to regulate my rage, and even then it’s mostly because i cower under a rock and avoid confrontation. (armchair psychiatrists usually diagnose it as anxiety, but the reality is that there is no reason whatsoever to enter into confrontations that will have no good effect…)

    what sure as hell didn’t help was the fad-of-the-season SSRIs being pushed on me, and the confusing, abusive dictates of those around me. watching helplessly as power was endlessly abused by people who were cruel or just plain incompetent has left me with an intense loathing for all authoritarians and those who worship them.

    i hope you can extract yourself from taking those horrible drugs soon. how people still push those pills is beyond me, given the scientific evidence that they cause more harm than good. i’m sure a competent neurologist has already shown that the SSRIs mechanistically aggravate the very problem they are being mis-used for, and that certainly had to be the case for me.

    i don’t know what (if anything) you are forced on, but i hope you can find a way to prevent the worst of it. i forget how long it took to undo the physical damage of wellbutrin and its ilk – it’s hard to tell because my entire life was going down the drain and there was no way i could not be miserable. at the very least, i kicked all the pills as soon as i was out of school and lost the weight gain by my 19th birthday. that was about as “happy” as i was going to get… my life was still going nowhere but i could pretend i was learning something and there was some way out. the damage that was done to my life from the very first coerced intervention has been unfixable and will continue to be unfixable.

    i can’t suggest anything good. all i do is drug myself with stimulants in order to drag myself through life at all.

    #75656
    Nomadic
    Participant

    I think regulating rage is just a fact of life. We learn. Drugs do not help. But it also comes down to learning how to act on your own behalf and how to engage in politics, learning how to be effective.

    See, your psychotherapist would have you confess on his couch, and he would have you punch pillows and scream at them. These are all exercises in impotence. As likewise is taking any kind of mood altering meds.

    For myself I follow the Book of Exodus the story of Moses and the killing of the Egyptian, and then the flight to Midian, and then coming back, and destroying Pharaoh by a series of plagues and humiliations.

    The big battles in my life I do not know how to fight. But I know that if I learn how to fight the little battles, then I will eventually learn how to fight the big ones. So I’ve fought lots of things, gotten many businesses closed and many people fired from private and public employment. And then the Pentecostal Daughter Molester matter got dumped on my lap. If I refused to get involved, then that would have been like ignoring the Burning Bush.

    Well the results were awesome. And now I am involved in local political issues 365 days a year, fighting intense matters.

    As I fight on, the battles will become bigger, and eventually I will be able to fight the biggest ones, and most of all I WILL HAVE COMRADES!

    But anyway, Recovery, Therapy, Salvation are all means of surrender, giving up, as are any other escapist things, or mood altering chemicals.

    Nomadic

    Lori Graves playing Pirates Of The Caribbean on the Lowrey Organ
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9GSSApv568

    #75657
    lily.c
    Participant

    Thanks. I haven’t been on psych drugs since I was 18 actually, but I may or may not sometimes use drug drugs.
    Kind of wish I could erase the midnight-posts now… The people referenced above aren’t partners / ex-partners, they’re just… people in my life. Boundary issues I guess. Or me confusing “I can make common cause with someone against some form of exploitation” with “I can actually be someone’s friend.”

    #75663
    Nomadic
    Participant

    What I want to see is a slate of actions which people can partake of, even if not everyone fully agrees about all matters. What it really comes down to is just being willing to engage in actual conflict with real people.

    Nomadic

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