Saturday, April 4, 2020

Panic Attacks

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  • #33946
    sandgroper
    Participant

    I’m off work today due to another round of what I call being touched by “the finger of God”.

    Usually lasting 24 hours, mercifully these panic attacks come only when I try to rest. As I begin to fall asleep my whole body spasms in a single huge twitch. I am violently awake, wide eyed, terrified. Terrified because for a few brief seconds I have lost control over what is going on in my mind. I hallucinate with visions of people flashing in my minds eye, voices respond to issues I have been dealing with in the privacy of my own thoughts. I hear distinctly, “Can I help?”, “Are you ok?”. They intrude into the pristine silence of my mind. Angels, not devils. After a few hours I start conversations with these entities. “I’m fine”. “Go away”. “Leave me alone.” They ignore me. They want me to receive their blessing. After endless spasms, somehow I manage to fall asleep. When I wake I am fully wasted. I have no strength. I can barely walk. I have a serious headache.

    I was introduced to psychiatrists after being sadistically dumped aged 19 by my first girlfriend. My unsupportive parents having never experienced heartbreak themselves, could not understand what I was going through. They didn’t even ask, even when they prompted me to talk about it. They used the pretext of wanting to discuss my problems with me to do nothing more than deceive me into seeing the family GP (aka MD in USA) against my will. They had by then already covertly enlisted the support of the GP to fabricate an illness (“confusion”) so I could be referred to a psychiatrist. When I refused to cooperate with the trainee psychiatrist, she bullied and intimidated me, and threatened to call the Police to collect me, to attend her sessions. By the third session I left town to just get away from her.

    But the damage was well and truly done. My trust had been seriously abused, by my girlfriend, my parents, and the medial profession. At 19 I was an adult but was being treated like a child. The law had been broken (medical fraud) to fabricate a medical condition I did not have (this fact is documented). GPs have been struck off for this conduct. I was a victim of Fabricated or Induced Illness by Carers.

    With my emotional crisis intensified rather than resolved, I had no one to turn to about my traumatic break up. Unable to think, I failed my university exams, quit my part time job, and remained stuck at home with my parents. I refused to speak to my mother for several weeks.

    Six months later she had another go. Late one night my hysterical mother seized an opportunity to concoct an emergency (she was trying to interrupt my Tia-Chi). She called an after hours GP who in turn enlisted the Police. I will never know what she told the GP to get that response. The Asian GP showed up promptly with syringe in hand. With two Police officers holding me down he administered a large dose of fluphenazine into the back of my hand, without, obviously, my consent). My hand has suffered numbness ever since. That was in 1979.

    For the next 10 years I was treated unlawfully as an involuntary in & out patient for every new flavour of schizophrenia the drug companies could invent. I would stop the medication as soon as I could. But no one warned me about rebound psychosis. Nor did they tell me about sudden death from the Thioridazine (Melleril) I was on. I suddenly collapsed one night for no reason when I was alone at the family’s weekend shack. It wasn’t fainting, which usually has warning signs and obvious cause. There was no dizziness. I just remember one moment I was standing at the dining table feeling perfectly fine, the next waking up off the floor. I have no idea how long I was unconscious for. It could have been hours. I told no one about this.

    Instead I kept trying to break out of the cycle of FIIC by moving interstate, but without work it was only temporary. Only when I found interstate work for couple of years did I finally break out of the system. During all those years I found a lot of relief from stress with diet, vitamins (particularly B group) and exercise. Recent Australian research has determined that these treatments are contra-indicators for mental illness, inasmuch as mental illnesses do not respond to them. By implication therefore, I never had a mental illness.

    As I finish this contribution, I know that the panic attacks will return again, perhaps next month, perhaps next year, perhaps tomorrow. They are the reminders of a psychiatric profession that is itself completely insane. They have lost the plot. The patient is not the focus. The patient is only an opportunity to make money. The drugs are the way to keep them sick. It is an evil business. As the song says, “God damn the pusher”.

    And I will never forgive the people who did this to me.

    #34638
    Rossa Forbes
    Participant

    “And I will never forgive the people who did this to me.”

    That one sentence probably does the most to explain why you have panic attacks. It is always tempting to hate and not to forgive.
    The worlds great religions and shamanic practices, have forgiveness at their core because it makes for a healthier, more just world. Emotional Freedom Technique is one easy way to learn the basics of forgiving oneself while forgiving others, but there is also the Bible and ho’oponopono, which is practiced among Pacific Islanders, but has now gained a more international following.

    I am cribbing from someone else’s webpage here.
    http://innerself.com/content/healthy/attitudes-a-healing/6373-hooponopo-healing-by-restoring-balance.html
    The ho’oponopono method is quite simple, and you can gain its benefits from even a simple understanding of it: The world you see is nothing more or less than the projection of your thoughts about it. No one outside you is doing anything to you, for you, or against you other than what you are doing to yourself. Shift your vision of that person or situation, and the person or situation will shift in accordance with your vision of them or it.

    Take the person or situation into mind and heart, and say, for example: “I accept responsibility for creating my experience of you by way of how I have thought about you. I now wish to change my experience by changing the version of you I am holding in my mind. I now choose to see you as loving, wise, healthy, and kind. I recognize your higher, better, and whole self. I see this situation as working out to everyone’s well being and benefit.”

    InA Course in Miracles teaches the same principle in this way: I am responsible for what I see. I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide upon the goal I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for, and receive as I have asked. Now that’s quite a premise to accept. But that’s the level of responsibility you and I must accept if we wish to attain mastery in our life and make the world a better place.

    Intention: Accepting 100% Responsibility

    The words you use are less important than the intention you hold. When you accept one hundred percent responsibility for setting the situation up as it has been, you gain one hundred percent of the power to create an outcome that works for you and everyone involved. It’s as simple as that. As Dr. Hew Len said in his lecture, “I wish I could make it more complicated. But that’s just how simple it is.”

    #34641
    sandgroper
    Participant

    “And I will never forgive the people who did this to me.”

    That one sentence probably does the most to explain why you have panic attacks. It is always tempting to hate and not to forgive.<br>
    <SNIP>

    Well, it was meant as a punch line, even if I really do mean it. I don’t need a sermon on forgiveness. Perhaps one day you’ll realise that some things are not going to be forgiven, whether you like it or not. Murderers for example, will never receive forgiveness from their victims. You may have to think about that before you realise that their victims are dead and wont be forgiving anyone.

    🙂

    #34642
    sandgroper
    Participant

    “And I will never forgive the people who did this to me.”

    Rossa Forbes wrote:
    That one sentence probably does the most to explain why you have panic attacks. It is always tempting to hate and not to forgive.
    <SNIP>

    …ok, I can see that didn’t make it clear enough that I have panic attacks from the drugs forcibly administered. Forgiveness will not end these attacks. They are induced by the dangerous drugs administered forcibly and unlawfully over a 10 year period.

    Please realise this is not some small matter. People (particularly teens, such as I was at the time) in this situation (FIIC involving psychiatrists) end up trying to kill themselves. I tried at least 4 times in as many years. Either the victim of psychiatric abuse wakes up to the abuse before they succeed at suicide, or they are left zombified by being chemically restrained for a lifelong fictitious “psychiatric condition”. Treatment for a serious mental illness that you don’t have can mask other conditions you do have, even more serious than the fictitious one. I could go on.

    And by the way I am trying to be restrained here. I accept that not a lot of people have posted their accounts of FIIC involving psychiatrists. Those that do often appear incoherent and paranoid. This is in spite of this abuse being rampant. Its not helped either by the involvement of Scientologists, who tend to have their own agenda. However it is a fact that it was Scientologists who exposed the Chelmsford Hospital deaths in Queensland Australia in the 1980s, and the Scientologist backed Citizens Commission on Human Rights is at least doing something to raise awareness of the western pandemic of overdiagnosis of mental illness.

    To be clear, the so called “Schizophrenia epidemic” is actually a first world pandemic of Fabricated/Induced Illness by Psychiatrists (FIIP) in the form of overdiagnosis and overprescription.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by sandgroper.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by sandgroper.
    #34646
    SnowyRhodes
    Participant

    So true: “Either the victim of psychiatric abuse wakes up to the abuse before they succeed at suicide, or they are left zombified by being chemically restrained for a lifelong fictitious “psychiatric condition”.”

    The DSM-V can diagnose anyone, because it’s written to encapsulate the Human mind. It is without soul.. an unfortunate tool of sorts. I should say parentheticly here, thank you for sharing your story and sorry you experienced the horrors of hospitalization.

    We all have a story to tell, and I am thankful for this forum.

    The contribution I’d like to make today expounds on your phrase quoted above as well as my own terrible experience with panic attacks. I have PTSD as manifested by Chronic Panic attacks and Attention Deficit Disorder. I was prescribed high doses of Xanax and Ritalin during College and the ten years that followed. Eventually I needed Ritalin to feel normal and heart medication because of the underlying condition the Xanax masked.

    Now I am burnt out from taking high doses of Psycho-Stimulants and this interferes with all aspects of life. I walk around “Zombified” … a mere shadow of my former self.

    ~Snowy

    #35567
    sandgroper
    Participant

    We all have a story to tell, and I am thankful for this forum.

    I too am thankful for this forum, and your support. I hope your pain eases over time. Its a hard road we have to go down. I’m not sure if progress is being made to stop these idiots, but I’m doing whatever I can here in Australia. last week I finally settled on th etitle of my Autobiography – Age of Consent – which has to do with the right of he disabled to refuse medical treatment. Australia does not recognise that right, despite being a signatory to the UN protocol that sets it out, and which is how I ended up in the horrors of the Insanity Business here.

    I’ve finished a 1 page Summary of my experiences over 10 years, but just not sure where to publish it. Maybe in a new thread here ?

    (Sorry for the delay in replying).
    All the best, Snowy.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by sandgroper. Reason: more info
    #57332
    travailler-vous
    Participant

    sandgroper, I am super interested in your experiences. Sometimes my own make me think this, but right now yours do. The problem that occurs to me is that the descriptions and explanations and remedies from the sanctioned models and treatment protocols are vastly too generic. When you go into your descriptions, it suggests to me that you should simply have a very hands-off and attentive research group interested in your every thought and every action. They should not so much try getting you cured by their methods and determine some prognosis by what you say that matches what they expect to hear because of what you “have”. A five-star team of purely scientific listeners with great humanity should be seeing what is in your experience for you and because of you, by relying on you while giving you space. They would obviously help you more, whoever asked you to stop and concentrate on one little complication of a moment and find the pattern that unifies the series of distressing ones, than those who act like they are handing you therapy as a commodity. At least, I thought my experiencings were worth describing as though the earth would stand still, and wondered from time to time about an industry that does nothing to get information in the field back to the rooms with the drawing boards. Oh, I hate them… but not with resentment, instead because they are SO dull, as in can’t see how ice cold they are to discovering what they tell themselves they already see.

    Panic was one of my causes in life, and my recovery from the feeling of suspense it left me with day and night just took place this last week. It came with explanatory content available by introspection, and both my reactivity changed and my feeling for and understanding of fairly old memories. That all happened in terms of finding compatibility with my attitude for them as I am here and now, while before last week, and for decades, my memories were unqualified by texture of feeling, characteristically. So when they were prompted, I never knew what from. Luckily, I didn’t believe in the unconscious, or else I’d have had to wonder “why”. But the why just is the what: you live in a world, you have to respond and you get affected. The memories were prompted, plain and simple, and now my better luck is to be able to look forward to learning the nature of my issues better, maybe how certain events more than others led to episodic depersonalization and panic and derealization, and certain recalled events that mattered only subpersonally as nervous reactions. If you’re still connected here, believe me, I appreciated your ingenuity in making your case.

    #57417
    travailler-vous
    Participant

    Additionally, my intention is not to contradict Rossa Forbes, here, or imply the superior powers of scientists. Rather, in your story sandgroper inasmuch as I could relate to most of it immediately, the problem is the experts saying they will help and the same experts believing that everyone has the same case of some mental illness and so they finished learning it all. It’s the basis of the panic attack syndrome that they don’t think they need to discover anymore in psychological terms, since the bio- terms are so salesworthy and mystifyingly perfect for the trades behind them. So, what you can miss by motivating yourself to feel one thing strongly involving retaliatory emotions–whther in latent remembered form or spontaneously appearing–is the details of the fear you keep projecting. That is, we all have a specific vertigo possible for us in moments of intense danger. We notice our freedom to throw ourself off a cliff with that vertigo, let ourselves inhale water with that one, let ourselves get caught by aggressors that we might have eluded, etc. You know this feeling, and if yo also believe you can come unhinged or hallucinate or lie to yourself about how bad it all is, you can either produce phobia or susceptibility to panic attacks. At least, in getting rid of mine, I saw that. I hope you sometime spell out the specfics of any recovery steps you took, as such. In addition, for myself it was very easy to lean how to compensate and forestall attacks or suppress the worst of their effects, but the freedom returned by actually seeing what anticipation of what fear kept proving to me that the anxiety and terror were justifiable, and seeing this and talking it all out showed me that the fundamental worry was useless all along. But also that no workbook or caregiver in my life looked to get to the bottom of my experience, anyway, and so the idea of shopping for expertise was the principal hold-up in getting “normal”, that is slightly normal, again.

    #57482

    Hey Sand..:

    I have as well had to recover from forced commitment… I guess the Police ‘were just doing there job’, and whether or not I deserved forced commitment is arbitrary. I forgive them. That Fact is, however, I went from working full time and being on the dean’s list at an IVY League University, to not being able to hold a job for more than 6 Months at a time during the last 13 years since that trauma of being forcefully committed. I never posed a danger to myself or others, I never condoned being medicated. And now I am suffering from Liver Failure and a multitude of other problems, I won’t get in to. My message back to you is: wouldn’t you agree the peer respite Modality would have worked for you, instead of the State Hospital and non-progressive Criminal Justice System?

    I don’t speak on behalf of the Peer Recovery Networks, (RLC’S), however, although I may die due to being tortured and druged, marginalized, periferized, demonized, warehoused, and discarded by society: I know the RLC movement will live on.

    Perhaps one day, we can all treat each other as Humans and not, like in Samuel Shem’s first book: “the patients are always the one with the problem.”

    Getting back on topic about what you went through: I’d like to hear more! Tell me more about visual and audio hallucinations: where they just waking dreams? or were they something, of which you had to deal with during the day as well?

    A very wise Man, that finally got through to me once said, “I understand if you don’t want to talk – but if you do… I am here, and ready to listen.”

    Cheers,

    Hope this correspondence finds you well and happy!

    Sincerely.

    Lark
    (TranspersonalParadigm)

    #57721
    Deena Hoblit
    Participant

    I understand. After being committed as a child (nearly five years). I magically forgot most of my early life. While I don’t remember most of the things I lived through, the one thing that has stayed with me is waking up groggy and thinking I’m back in the hospital. I don’t even know how to describe the feeling… I sometimes think it must be what a trapped animal feels before it decides to chew off an appendage to free itself.

    #57884
    sandgroper
    Participant

    I have recovered as much as I expect to, travailler-vous, but like TranspersonalParadigm there is stuff I don’t have expectations for. They are 1) side effects of the drugs, or 2) missed opportunities by having the 10 best years of my life needlessly wasted by third parties illegally trying to cure me of a fabricated illness.

    I cant say it often enough – I never had a psychiatric illness. I did spend time in “Peer Recovery Networks” as a person who was a victim of psychiatric abuse, but there was very little understanding/interest in the issue as these networks target people who related to having a psychiatric condition. All I discovered from these networks is I cannot directly relate to people who have experienced mental illness, not even today, except that I know what the drugs do to you. The panic attacks are just part of that scenario. Every so often I get a reminder of my experiences 3 decades ago.

    I’m not interested in someone’s pet theory for recovery and healing. I am interested in hearing from other people who have experienced psychiatric abuse.

    In some countries like Germany you cannot be treated for a mental illness without your consent or the involvement of the courts (legal process). In other countries like Australia, the situation is totally the other way around and consent is not required if a Psychiatrist finds you to be mentally ill. In my case, injections were started by a GP, even before a psychiatric diagnosis. I presume my insane mother lied to the GP to get him to do that, because even then, the GP was still breaking the law by practicing psychiatry without being licensed.

    My point in all this is the illegality. Being the most regressive and discriminating nation in the world seems to make Australian psychiatrists (et al) even more determined to break the little law there is and/or to act all the more corruptly to ignore a persons right to refuse medical treatment.

    So no, I wont be forgiving the people that did this to me, and that, if you like, IS my recovery – never to forgive them, OK? Sorry, but if we’re going to get hung up over that then we’re not going to get anywhere. There are some things people do that are simply unforgivable.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by sandgroper.
    #57887

    Hey Sand….:

    I wouldn’t purport to understand your anger at people, of whom have done you harm. Forgiveness works for me though, and I’ve lost 13 years of my life until recently, because I was convinced in the Clinical Modality. Live with hate if that’s what you want, but don’t let it get in the way of recovery.

    Sincerely,

    Lark

    #57888
    sandgroper
    Participant

    I understand. After being committed as a child (nearly five years). I magically forgot most of my early life. While I don’t remember most of the things I lived through, the one thing that has stayed with me is waking up groggy and thinking I’m back in the hospital. I don’t even know how to describe the feeling… I sometimes think it must be what a trapped animal feels before it decides to chew off an appendage to free itself.

    Its interesting that I had to stuggle for nearly 10 years to remember just one word that kept haunting me like your dream. after About 6 weeks of Melaril, one of the patients would perpetually come up to everyone and ask bluntly for a “Cigarette?”. But it was the “RE” part of this word that kept triggering something in me. When the Jeep Rengade came out it had the same effect I kept hearing the “Re….” word, and my brain was telling me it was important even critical to something I had lost, forgotton.

    So I worked on it and finaly finally it came back to me. The word was “Relationship”. It was the last word of the last thing my sadistic girlfriend ever said to me that made everything she had done to me – all the lies and abuse – it all made sense. “I never wanted a long term relationship”. When she said that to me, it was the moment I realised what a shallow deceitful piece of work she really was.

    And that’s the last thought I held onto as my closure of our relationship. And it was exactly that memory the drugs almost made me forget. Had I not finally remembered that “RE…..” word and what it meant, I guess I would still be struggling today (unsuccessfully) to reconcile that relationship, and struggling to find the peace and closure that that knowing that truth gave me. I too would probably be a “zombie”, instead of just having the odd panic attack.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by sandgroper.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by sandgroper.
    #57891
    sandgroper
    Participant

    Hey Sand….:

    I wouldn’t purport to understand your anger at people, of whom have done you harm. Forgiveness works for me though, and I’ve lost 13 years of my life until recently, because I was convinced in the Clinical Modality. Live with hate if that’s what you want, but don’t let it get in the way of recovery.

    Sincerely,

    Lark

    Its not hate. Its closure. Forgiveness is not a right of the unrepentant, nor a obligation of the wronged. I will forgive who I want to forgive and I will not be told who I should or should not forgive. When I say I will never forgive the people who did this to me, I mean it. Maybe if more people took my view these insane medical malpractitioners might start to get the message.

    If you have a problem with that, then you have the problem, not me. I never felt better about knowing the scum who just about killed me and left the rest of my life not worth living will never have my forgiveness.

    #57893
    sovv
    Participant

    Sorry, but there is no such thing as schizo.. Some have low intensity (can cure), others have absolute intensity (maybe can cure). Some have super scary intensity of bipolar (cannot cure). Because evil spirits (people you know), demons, the the evil ruler of this world is killing humans.

    1. In truth, bipolar? Too much occult activities in the past? New age jumbo mambo, palmistry? astrology? iching, rune? tarot perhaps????? Even religion.

    2. Ever engaged in spiritual battles with other humans and spirits simultaneously. They kill… This is the worst part. The devil with its tail is very sharp… don’t engage it. One’ll be wriggling on the floor sprangling like some humble person, i’d should have been more humble.

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