Friday, October 30, 2020

R.I.P. Donny Darko

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    This is one of my favorite movies of all time. The directors cut is much more informative as it has excerpts from Granma Deaths book.

    There are some things that just can not be put into words. What I know is that I can’t even listen to Gary Jules Mad World, or Tears for Fears Head over Heels without breaking down in tears. And yet I listen to them. I can’t even put my finger on what it is I love about the movie, but it speaks volumes to me.

    Anybody else like it?

    Anyway, R.I.P. Donny Darko, be seein ya soon.


    O yes, I loved Donnie Darko too boans. My youngest son recommended it to me about 3 years ago and I just couldn’t get over it. Watched it over and over.

    Didn’t see the director’s cut, however. One of the reasons I watched it over and over was to try and make some sense out of the time travelling/physics aspect. DVD player on my computer is pfffftt so no more Netflix for me…streaming video is expensive here.

    Well, I’m crying my eyes out now…listened to Mad World. 3 days ago I could handle this but in a wave from the Klonocide and life sucks again. Sure fucks with my head-

    We’ll all be RIP soon enough-but right now, we need each other.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by humanbeing.

    Yes Humanbeing,

    Did you get to see the Directors Cut? It really is better than the regular distro.

    I’ve seen the Lives of Others. That was also a great movie. The Snowden revelations seem to suggest our governments may be worse than the Stazi. Of course they don’t see it that way but …..

    There is an Australian movie that is particularly brutal and disturbing about the prison system and mental illness. It shows how the system is corrupted by those who profit from fear. Called Ghosts of the Civil Dead. It’s harsh (R rated) but carries quite a message.

    Can be watched on You Tube.

    One of the Actors/Writers (Nick Cave) wrote the darkest book I’ve ever read (The Ass saw the Angel).

    The ‘speech’ given by one of the prisoners at 1:21 is just eerie. “one man released so they can imprison the rest of the world”.


    What time is it where you are, boans? Do you sleep at all?

    Loved your link to Taking Over the Asylum…I am lucky now to have computer access due to a house-sitting gig-helps that it’s unbearably hot outside, too. Will wait to watch the above ^^^ when this wave recedes.

    Keep ’em comin’…


    Half one in the morning here humanbeing.

    You were editing your post as I was writing the last one lol. Don’t get much sleep anymore except a few hours here and there when I can. Funny because one of the reasons given for locking me up was that I hadn’t slept too well in a couple of days. After their ‘intervention’ I haven’t slept properly in nearly 3 years.

    “One of the reasons I watched it over and over was to try and make some sense out of the time travelling/physics aspect”

    That’s whats included in the Directors cut, Ol Granma Deaths book has an explanation.

    Its so difficult to describe what I’m going through. I know that when I complete my suicide they can add my name to the list of people killed by the mental health system. It simply wouldn’t have happened without the criminal behaviour of the AMHP who came to my home on the 30th Sept 2011. I just need to be sure that my daughter and grandchildren understand that. Can’t start holding medical people responsible for their negligence (or in my case criminality), there would be no one left to do the job. So the deaths they do cause will have to be excused. Just sad that mine was one of them. Anyway, i’m ranting lol.

    I just thought of another great Australian movie that is related to mental health. It’s called Bliss. A long movie, and nothing like Ghosts.

    The whole movie isn’t on you tube. I have found a copy on a torrent site and i’m downloading it. Let me know if you would like a copy and we can maybe organise something. I could maybe post it on youtube.

    Probably a better movie if your not feeling so great humanbeing. It’s a beautiful story, but some twists and turns on his way.

    Here’s a trailer but it doesn’t do the movie justice.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by boans.

    I wish you wait with your suicide plans-I get so much out of your presence here on MiA; more than the good movie recommendations. Do you ever have good days-maybe not…just askin’. I’ve actually had a few good days this last month; a good interaction, a walk in the woods, communing with the birds/bobcats/foxes. I’ve made some new friends, even in my damaged state.

    I think ultimately, I, too, will take my own life-when I look at how the world situation is playing out, I’m pretty sure I will be against the wall in a few years if not sooner.

    I ran into a site called ‘On Being’ put together by Krista Trippet-she interviews various spiritual/artistic/leaders focusing on different spritual philosophies. This one (lets see if I can C and P this):

    March 27, 2014
    “Your staying alive means so much more than you really know or that anyone is aware of at this moment.”

    Philosopher, historian, and poet Jennifer Michael Hecht has traced how Western civilization has at times demonized those who commit suicide, at times celebrated it as a moral freedom. She proposes a reframed cultural conversation, based not on morality or rights but on our essential need for each other

    I’ve also gotten a lot from videos by Will Hall. It’s inspiring to me what he’s managed to do with his life in spite of a diagnosis. I hope someday, I, too, will be able to help others who have got caught up in this sticky, deadly web.

    Right now watching the Giants (SF) finally get their shit together….the little things help me get thru the day.


    It’s been a long road for me humanbeing, and strange in many ways.

    Movie reference. You may have seen Ghost Dog with Forest Whittaker. I have been somewhat of a warrior all my life, and have an attitude of a Samurai to suicide.

    I get locked up when there is nothing wrong with me, and released by a psychiatrist when they finally realise that. Now they have made me suicidal, and I sit discussing it with psychiatrists who can not lock me up even though they are fully aware of my potential for harm to self or others. This is because they are aware that locking me up is going to make me more likely to commit suicide and they know it lol. Its a double bind for them in many ways. How shameful for them to be protecting the person who they know did this.

    Its been interesting watching the psychiatrists and psychologists when they stop offering excuses and realise what i’m saying is true, and they know that they can do nothing themselves for fear of repercussions. They have to stay silent despite knowing that their colleagues are criminals. Thats got to hurt anyone with a conscience, and I do believe that many I have spoken to do have consciences. They are also realists who know what happens to whistleblowers. And whilst i’m sure they would prefer that nobody died because of their actions, it is going to happen. My life to them is worth very little. I die, the appointment is taken by another person who the system has damaged. File goes to archives and they move on. Can’t blame them, if the AMHP hadn’t destroyed my life with his criminal behaviour, I guess i’d be doing the same.

    Its a betrayal by my whole community. They simply can not afford to look lest they see. Very much like the way institutions responded to child sexual abuse. Embolden the corrupt and corrupt the good. I do believe that one day these people will all be held to account, and on that day they will taste the fire. And turning a blind eye to evil acts is as bad as committing them in my book.

    Ever see the movie The Life of David Gale? Kevin Spacey. If you haven’t I won’t spoil it. But if you have it will give some idea of the way i’m thinking about my death.

    I like the American gridiron. I went to a game at East Carolina University (Pirates), in Greenville NC. Was a great day.

    Anyhow, enjoy the football.


    Baseball, boans, baseball. I destest football; it is barbaric (in my opinion). Baseball is a mind game, and good fielding is like watching the ballet.

    My whole community stood by and watched what happened to me, too. I am surrounded by people who have no values other than to advance their bottom line (or not to threaten it in any way). The house here that I’m watching (and using internet) is my dear friend’s who has been a rock for me during this nightmare that is withdrawal from benzodiazapines-we have very little in common. Our friendship is an unlikely one; of her 6 children (Catholic)-5 of them work for the defense industry. It’s actually worse than that but I’m intimidated to go on about it. It is troubling for me…

    I am one of those few (apparently) people who took to heart the buddhist admonishment of ‘right livelyhood’. Another good friend is happily enjoying her retirement thanks to her husbands fat pension from *ta dah* the defense industry. She’s aware of the implications, of the blood on her hands but just shrugs it off, and goes shopping.

    It’s not like I haven’t done fucked up things in my life, because I have…but I know it. That’s what has made me think that my life is some kind of mistake-I’m an anomoly and shouldn’t have ever been born. All too easy to accept the judgements of those around me saying ‘there’s something wrong with you’…

    Unlike you, I have no faith at all that karma works. My perps just sail merrily along…sounds like yours are somewhat afraid of you-a funny kind of respect, huh?

    No, I haven’t seen The Life of David Gale. Don’t have a DVD player at the moment but who knows? Maybe someday. I’m not familiar with much when it comes to popular culture, having lived without television for most of my adult life (and having very little money to go out to movies). Having a computer is a huge thing for me-I was given a cast-off and have a love/hate relationship to it and the internet. Feel lucky to have it because I’m pretty sure I would be dead or back on drugs if it weren’t for discovering the Benzobuddies site.

    And I read “Anatomy of an Epidemic” because I was a suscriber to the New York Review of Books and read a review that started the journey I’ve embarked on now-the newest chapter of my so-called life.

    I would love to have access to a cyanide pill-it’s not time yet-but I would love the comfort of knowing it was there for me.

    Hope you are sleeping down there…


    Ah, baseball. I thought about it after I posted and realised the the Giants in football are NY.

    Our version of baseball is cricket. I actually played cricket at a fairly high level as a young man, but didn’t quite make the professional grade. I was supposed to go and see a professional game of baseball in Oklahoma City when I was there but it all fell through. Went to look at the hole in the ground that Tim McViegh left instead.

    I had no idea about the difficulties of withdrawing from benzos till I came to this site. I actually took them as a young man after a car accident but the caused me some problems, and cost me my job with the Government Telecommunication company. Not that it really bothered me but its just funny how the information about those problems is still being hidden.

    I also got some support from quarters that wouldn’t have been expected when I needed it. Though it was limited because I was like a leper, cast out in case it was catching.

    Yeah, I’ve gained a funny kind of respect from those I’ve spoken to in the mental health system. Its really come about because I just refuse to accept the role they offer of victim. I recognise the power I hold in my hand, and they have reason to be afraid. You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites back.

    I haven’t read Anatomy of an Epidemic, but I do hope to. It was Thomas Szasz and the Myth of Mental Illness that had a major effect on my thinking. I literally dropped my major of psychology at Uni because of it. It became very clear to me what the mental health system was designed to achieve and I wasn’t having any part of that. Of course that didn’t mean they couldn’t come and home invade and drag me away to be incarcerated without any evidence but….lol.

    I kind of like the quiet in the middle of the night. It’s almost like being on a farm in the country. Day time the streets are just covered with cockroaches lol. Unbelievable how many cars are on the roads here these days. My car is an old 1966 Chrysler Valiant, with a slant 6 motor. Don’t make em like that anymore.

    I’ve nearly finished downloading that movie Bliss. I was reading that it is very much like the movie American Beauty, but much better. In case you hadn’t noticed I do kind of like movies, though I prefer foreign films as opposed to the hollywood stuff. Give me Akira Kurusawa over Speilberg any day. Can’t fault Kubrick though.

    You on the West coast humanbeing? I’m in Perth, most isolated city in the world apparently. Must make me kind of special being the most isolated person in the most isolated city in the world.

    Anyhow, hope things are going well for ya, and the sun is shining. I’ve had enough of the cool weather here already.


    Giants at it again, right now…tied up in the 7th inning…

    It’s smokey here-fires burning in the hills south of here. Live in Northern Cali home to the redwoods and marijuana industry-think I raved about that scene already. There’s a drought on (half the usual prodigious amount) and a fire or two during the summer is just a matter or course-it’s actually been an amazingly beautiful summer; clear, clear skies saturated with color and not too hot-until last week when it was in the 100s for days. Much cooler today, tho.

    I did see American Beauty. I didn’t think it was all that-I was getting Netflix for awhile (when the DVD player on my computer was working better) and also love foriegn films-because my mind is like a sieve, I can’t recall the names of the many French films I liked…wait-there was a trilogy-Red, White and Blue…liberty, equality, fraternity…(I liked one more than the others but can’t recall for sure which it was-Red, maybe). I liked 1900-Bertolucci. Yes, it was violent, but life isn’t wonderful all the time-and history is full of violence. I’ve always been interested in politics and history. I read in lieu of media input. Ancient history has been a recent obsession; the Greek tragadies remind me of my family life…hah.

    I admire folks who keep their old ‘beaters’-generally much better made, less plastic and when you open the hood, understandable. I haven’t had a car in 10 years; I’m smart enough to realise I can’t afford one and I’m not going to go out an get a job just so I can support my car.

    My favorite relief pitcher on the mound now…he’s been in a bad slump, but looking good today…

    I wish I could have been as good on the documentation as you seem to have been-if I could have only kept it together when I had to represent myself in court…the pressure was too much-there was too much at stake…I crumbled. Support from my family would have been nice…still miss my kids-it gets acute with this benzo thing; totally fucks with your mind. Seriously. Waves and windows…

    I love early mornings, myself. For the same reasons you mentioned above-while I live in a small town, the population here has ballooned with the ‘Green Rush’ of the get rich quick pot culture. Was working for a friend on their vineyard for a few weeks recently…loaned me their old Volvo so I could get up there (80 acre piece up in the hills)…would get to work around 6:30am and just loved it. Grew up in the San Joaquin Valley and worked my grandparent’s vineyards and packing houses as a youth. Miss them. And the lifestyle.

    Will try to watch Ghosts of the Civil Dead later after the game-too smokey to do anything outside today so thanks for setting it up…hope it doesn’t make me wish I had my black pill…

    Still tied up in the 9th…will the Giants pull it off?


    Ah yep, I have a little trouble distinguishing a couple of people here. Know what they have written about but don’t quite attach it to names well. I’d like to have avatars for everyone, but don’t like the idea of Gravatar because it follows you around lol.

    I didn’t spend long in California, just a night in the Greyhound Bus depot in South Central L.A. when I arrived. People thought I was crazy (were they mental health workers?:). One guy trying to sell me crack and a woman within hours of arriving in the U.S. Spent most of my time in North Carolina. I was pleasantly surprised because there was quite some anti American sentiment here in Australia at the time. People tended to leave you to go about your business. Difficult to describe, but here people tend to overstep boundaries a lot more.

    One thing that stood out for me was how little people walk over there. I wandered into some places and people were surprised I got out alive. To ignorant of the danger to be worried about it. Dumb white Aussie around here gotta be packin a gun lmao. I did stop walking around in NC when someone told me about bears.

    I watched the Three Colors trilogy, not bad. I do like the Scandinavian detective stories, especially the original Wallander stuff with Rolf Laasgard. And Andrei Tarkovsky’s Stalker has got to be the best Sci Fi movie I’ve ever seen. Very slow (typical Russian) but the atmosphere of it is amazing. He also made the original version of Solaris.

    So glad I didn’t keep taking the benzos now. I guess in many ways I’ve been very fortunate in that I gave up alcohol 17 years ago, no problems with that. And I have smoked pot on and off for many years, but that hasn’t been a problem to stop either. Always had an extreme needle phobia so never got into any of the harder drugs, though they were certainly offered. My brother had some problems with a drug called serepax. I couldn’t even tell you what it was for though. Bout the hardest drugs I’d had before being hospitalised after the suicide attempt was anti-biotics.

    I worked at vineyards in South Australia when I was 20. Man that’s hard work.

    Hope the Giants have made your day.


    Man, I just tried watching the ‘Ghosts’ thing-you got anything with puppies and kittens? Good lord-and those accents! (just teasing ya-had difficulty with the Scottish ones in Taking Over the Asylum…wonder if I have a Cali accent? nah…)

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by humanbeing.

    Its definitely a harsh reality presented in Ghosts humanbeing. But its a movie that presents a truth about how the system creates monsters, rather than doing anthing to stop them. I know its about the prison system, but its so applicable to forced psychiatry and mental health incarceration as well. And its the introduction of the ‘psychos’ to the prison that puts the pressure on to prisoners and guards.

    I just posted a thread in All things political about a debate that is occuring here in Australia about immigration detention. It seems to me that our politicians are fully aware of what can happen in institutions and how they function, but oh how they work to be able to deny it.

    There have been a number of dangerous child sex offenders released from our prisons recently. Everybody in senior public service positions claiming there is nothing they can do. I’m just waiting for the next attack by one of these people, and the community outrage that will follow. And then they will be able to get the draconian measures they have in parliament at present through into law. I mean the community will hand it over as these powers will be presented as a solution to the problem they have created. Ghosts kind of shows how they do this.

    Kittens and puppies without Aussie accents eh lol. Got one about a piglet called Babe.

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