Sunday, May 19, 2019

The Bridge

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This topic contains 1,155 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  The_cat 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 1,156 total)
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  • #48849

    boans
    Participant

    It occurs to me that part of what we are doing is sharing our own “home remedies”. Not the kind that some wise relative handed down to us. My relatives are mostly ignorant assholes. I mean the kinds of coping mechanisms we have found, over the long years, by rooting around in the soil of our minds and lives.

    This jumped off the ‘page’ for me Lindsey. Something is being shared here and it’s more than just stories or information …. but how can we put it in a pill and sell it lol. Actually the translation of Hagakure is “hidden under leaves”. The wisdom is there, but you need to scratch around a bit to uncover it. The medical model approach is like set fire to the leaves and the wisdom will be whats left. Yeah but it will be burnt and damaged, and of little if any use.

    I know that when I write I do my best to put my thoughts out there and hope that others will understand. The result of that process is that I am forced to reflect on what I have said. The ‘looking glass self’ that I wrote about with G H Mead. I could be anyone, and may be lying through my teeth, and it’s worth considering this. But I would gain very little from it apart from sending a message back to myself that I am a good liar. Not something I admire, and would do damage to my sense of self.

    I do make mistakes, and sometimes I recognise them as a result of writing. It’s made me stronger in some areas. And has left me curled up crying in others. I’ve needed to say it, and I’ve been fortunate that you guys have ‘heard’ me. It just wouldn’t work without that. And for that I can not thank you enough.

    Humanbeing, it wasn’t that long ago that I was having thoughts of hanging myself in my friends back garden. And when those thoughts came over me I would literally loose my ability to breathe. The only thing that stopped me was that I had promised my friend that I wouldn’t leave a corpse for her to deal with. I don’t know how bad your anxiety is when you get these feelings but I know that when I was “in the moment” I lost my breath. The drug withdrawal will pass, no doubt about that. But the straight of a thousand lighthouses is a scary place to be. Hang on tight in that little life boat.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZIa-UJdYpY&list=PL2E3B11BE5E3691D0&index=2

    Van Diemen’s Land. Don’t know how much you guys know about Australia, but this is now called Tasmania. It was a hell hole where they used to send convicts.

    “We fought for justice, and not for gain, but the Magistrate sent me away” Beautiful. Whole album was great.

    #48858

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Uprising
    You bring me sanity
    Boans
    You bring me clarity
    Humanbeing
    You bring me the
    Love of a
    Sisterhood I’ve never known,
    Thank you so much
    You keep me going!
    You are the
    Antidote to
    The poison
    Some call
    LAZY.

    I love you all
    Here is a song
    For all of you
    This brilliant
    Bitch
    Says it all
    In poetry
    I cannot
    Eclipse
    You
    Stay with me
    Through
    My madness
    Daily!!!

    http://youtu.be/EBAzlNJonO8

    #48859

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Stay here
    With us
    Humanbeing
    YOU
    ARE
    NEEDED

    YOU
    ARE
    WANTED!

    http://youtu.be/4F-CpE73o2M

    I wrote this
    Recently
    I think it
    Must have been for you
    Sister
    Humanbeing

    Art, at it’s most fundamental level, is the only real alchemy. It turns straw into gold. It is where the chalice opens to the blade. It is how we skip the philosopher’s stone across time, and back home again. It brings us, as close as we can come without incineration, towards the sun. It is rescue, refuge, revolt and resurrection. No words can encircle it, we know it when we see it, even when we are blind. Icarus burns, and his burning, somehow, brings rain.

    It is mystery.

    It is not our only salvation, but it nourishes all salvation… like water in our desert.

    This is for you
    Humanbeing
    Too!
    We love you more
    Than we
    Can ever
    say….

    http://youtu.be/jWFb5z3kUSQ

    #48868

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Some Friday nite
    Happy
    For anyone
    In need
    Of
    A
    Belly laugh

    http://youtu.be/1s8nRL2bPCU

    http://youtu.be/b1OyBDHQAGk

    #48873

    uprising
    Participant

    Thanks, Lindsey! I needed some happy, some baby owl. Hard to pretend that Friday night is any different for me than any other night, except for the knowledge that other people look forward to it… I heard that Statler brothers song two days ago for the first time in a long while. I think we’re on the same wavelength. Anyway, not feeling too articulate right now, but just wanted to say hi. Hope everyone’s doing alright.

    #48874

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Hey uprising !
    Your reply made my Friday night! All I’m up to is cooking garbanzo bean tacos, and trying to teach my cat not to leap onto my back. We found him almost a year ago today, in the bed of a large truck on my dad’s lot, crying. One of his eyes was swollen and infected. I’m happy to say that a year later he’s a handsome fellow, black, long haired, and golden eyed. But still super tiny. He’s a true runt. Don’t tell him though,
    He thinks he’s
    Ten feet tall!

    I’ll try to post a photo. He is still shockingly small and insanely cute. I’m still not sure how we were blessed with him.
    I doubt I would have made it through last year without his adorable ness.
    I’ll try to upload a few pics.

    So yeah, that’s my Friday night, I don’t go out
    These days,
    Crowds spook me too much.
    Sharing a taco with you
    At a distance!!

    #48882

    boans
    Participant

    Saturday night here now. I get the feeling that this joke is kind of racist but I’m going to post it anyway, because it makes me laugh so much. I don’t know if you guys will be able to understand with the Aussie accent but…..

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAOq99LdsoY

    Big hailstorm here today. The Fever Ray stuff is different Lindsey, and those owls are the cutest. I have seen a number of owls here in the city. Saw one late at night and just watched it for close on an hour. He was a hoot lol.

    Full of strange animals Australia. I always wanted a wombat for a pet. Good for digging the garden over.

    I was reading the paper today and got to an article about people being cruel to dogs, and I just broke down crying. Always made me sad but today it just floored me. Had to lay down and just let it happen.

    Well, I’ve been exhausted for 6 hours now, and know the moment I put my head down I’m going to be struggling to sleep. Gunna try anyway.

    Hope all is well.

    #48897

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Boans, please get all the rest you need. I’m sure I speak for others here when I say
    That I marvel
    At the life force
    It must take
    To document
    In stunning
    And so important
    Detail
    Each day!!

    “Try to be open and warm, because even mild feelings of insecurity and vulnerability could shut other people out.”

    My Scorpio horoscope today. Yes I follow astrology. I know, I hate it too. It makes no sense, every rational, die hard, reality testing, non-magical thinking, skeptical bone in my body tells me, this stuff is garbage. And yet, so much of the time it is so fucking useful. Maybe it’s some placebo effect. My biggest weapon against my own psychotic mind is this maxim:

    Don’t ask if what you are experiencing is real? Trying to ferret out reality is too time consuming. Reality is a slippery minnow, at best. I filter each thought and moment through one membrane and one membrane only. Is this useful? Does this thought or experience tread water, does it hold real weight? Most experiences, however sparkly, don’t pass that sniff test. Ok, sure, Jesus dropped by the other day to babble about love, and compassion. That’s great stuff, but I have no room in my life for what doesn’t help me face the mundane and banal requirements of daily existence, has to be thrown out. I just don’t have enough RAM to support tangential meanderings. The koan, “chop wood, carry water” is what I live by. I trust most what is utterly boring and non-sparkly. It’s the best advice I could give to any poor kid facing psychosis for the first time. Because at the end of the day, no rodeo clown will show up
    To save
    Your
    Sorry ass
    When your
    Mind goes astray.

    But let’s go back to this:

    “Try to be open and warm, because even mild feelings of insecurity and vulnerability could shut other people out.”

    I’m sorry, but this is the worst misguided bullshit Kelli Fox has ever
    Served me.

    Regardless of the fey and unpredictable affect of “planetary influences” this is bad
    Advice
    ANY
    DAY.

    When you guys share your pain, your struggles and your self doubt. Or when I do the same… That is the lifeblood of empathy. Showing our weaknesses, and accepting them, however paradoxical it may be,
    ALWAYS
    Reinforces our strength.
    I’ll take humility over
    Assurance any day.
    When we show our weakness doesn’t it unfailingly sustain ourselves and others? I have always,
    ALWAYS
    found it to be so.
    Every member of this thread does so, in each and every post. Every admission of doubt that Boans communicates, every truthful and raw word humanbeing writes
    SINGS
    With this kind
    Of substantial honesty.

    Every gentle and quiet bit of strength uprising breathes out
    Thunders with vulnerability.

    Maybe she had an off day?

    But I’m calling
    Bullshit
    She’s wrong
    In every way.

    On a side note, I finally wrestled my old photo bucket account into submission.
    You can all expect
    to be inflicted
    with photos
    of my much loved
    cat
    Later
    Today!!

    #48898

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Boans, please get all the rest you need. I’m sure I speak for others here when I say
    That I marvel
    At the life force
    It must take
    To document
    Your stubborn
    Quest
    In stunning
    And so important
    Detail
    Each
    and every day!

    “Try to be open and warm, because even mild feelings of insecurity and vulnerability could shut other people out.”

    My Scorpio horoscope today. Yes I follow astrology. I know, I hate it too. It makes no sense, every rational, die hard, reality testing, non-magical thinking, skeptical bone in my body tells me, this stuff is garbage. And yet, so much of the time it is so fucking useful. Maybe it’s some placebo effect. My biggest weapon against my own psychotic mind is this maxim:

    Don’t ask if what you are experiencing is real? Trying to ferret out reality is too time consuming. Reality is a slippery minnow, at best. I filter each thought and moment through one membrane and one membrane only. Is this useful? Does this thought or experience tread water, does it hold real weight? Most experiences, however sparkly, don’t pass that sniff test. Ok, sure, Jesus dropped by the other day to babble about love, and compassion. That’s great stuff, but I have no room in my life for what doesn’t help me face the mundane and banal requirements of daily existence, has to be thrown out. I just don’t have enough RAM to support tangential meanderings. The koan, “chop wood, carry water” is what I live by. I trust most what is utterly boring and non-sparkly. It’s the best advice I could give to any poor kid facing psychosis for the first time. Because at the end of the day, no rodeo clown will show up
    To save
    Your
    Sorry ass
    When your
    Mind goes astray.

    But let’s go back to this:

    “Try to be open and warm, because even mild feelings of insecurity and vulnerability could shut other people out.”

    I’m sorry, but this is the worst misguided bullshit Kelli Fox has ever
    Served me.

    Regardless of the fey and unpredictable affect of “planetary influences” this is bad
    Advice
    ANY
    DAY.

    When you guys share your pain, your struggles and your self doubt. Or when I do the same… That is the lifeblood of empathy. Showing our weaknesses, and accepting them, however paradoxical it may be,
    ALWAYS
    Reinforces our strength.
    I’ll take humility over
    Assurance any day.
    When we show our weakness doesn’t it unfailingly sustain ourselves and others? I have always,
    ALWAYS
    found it to be so.
    Every member of this thread does so, in each and every post. Every admission of doubt that Boans communicates, every truthful and raw word humanbeing writes
    SINGS
    With this kind
    Of substantial honesty.

    Every gentle and quiet bit of strength uprising breathes out
    Thunders with vulnerability.

    Maybe she had an off day?

    But I’m calling
    Bullshit
    She’s wrong
    In every way.

    On a side note, I finally wrestled my old photo bucket account into submission.
    You can all expect
    to be inflicted
    with photos
    of my much loved
    cat
    Later
    Today!!

    This should explain sparkly:

    And yeah, the wisdom of my childhood films
    Helps me get through
    Each day.

    http://youtu.be/mC5P234Fs8s

    #48900

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Humanbeing

    Please tell us

    As soon as you can

    That you are

    Ok??

    #48910

    humanbeing
    Participant

    Lindsey

    I am OK. The intrusive thoughts have backed off a bit, but I am still very very tired and weakened. My hair is falling out by the handfuls, my chest is full of blemishes, I have tinnitus for the first time (major symptom for many in benzo withdrawal) and I’ve had a migraine headache for 3 days plus so much more! Obviously something’s up. Just a few months ago I was feeling almost well…

    My ‘homeopathist’ phoned Friday after several days of my not speaking to a soul…isn’t it fucked up how everyone just melts away just as you need them the most? Hard to make new connections when I’m so compromised. (If I said any of this before-my apologies-I can’t remember shit *CRS*).

    The only hang-up in my plan was just what boans was talking about-I don’t want to cause harm to the person finding my body. There are many types of suicide, I’m discovering. I fluctuate between the ‘anything to get rid of the pain’ one, and the ‘revenge’ one. I at times would love to fuck up my family by them finding my body in the middle of the meadow where the annual land party happens-the one that’s so much more important to attend than to spend time with your sick mum. Maybe my broken brain will gift me with even more angles on motivations for suicide…O! How about when I get Alzheimers from taking Klonopin for 10 years??? I sure as fuck don’t want anyone being resonsible for my care if I’m not present in my head.

    But hey-The Giants are going to the world series! I only was able to watch one game last week:( No, I don’t miss having a TV-have lived without one for most of my adult life-handy only very occasionally; so I go over to my elderly Catholic friend’s house and watch games with her.
    The tension of the extra inning of overtime was almost TOO MUCH!! but the joy, the value of the distraction from my living nightmare was worth the sleeplessness of yet another night.

    I discovered “Good Reads” quite recently-whew-I thought you had all those quotes stored in your enormous intellect…I love to read. As a kid I used to escape my family scene by taking a book to the local park, finding some bushes I could make a little hidey-ho in, crawl in and then read the afternoon away…

    Composing this has wiped me out-thanks (all) for your concern…thanks for the tunes/vids (I love the owl one, too…birds are so cool.) Keep meaning to find a Tony Rice or a Bill Monroe you-tube; hey maybe this will work?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm8tr56vhns

    #48911

    humanbeing
    Participant

    Bluegrass, by the way, boans, this is the real deal

    Sorry if you all hate it but after finding it, it’s making me feel better:) I used to hang around musicans-still have my fiddle in the closet here-miss those days, yessiree…

    And then there’s ‘newgrass’ ahhh the old days, contra dancin’ and music festivals…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTO0gK7FNLY

    #48915

    uprising
    Participant

    Sorry if you all hate it but after finding it, it’s making me feel better:)

    humanbeing! Actually, that’s often my go-to music, when I listen to the radio. I find it comforting somehow, I guess, unless I have a headache – then the banjos kill.

    I am OK. The intrusive thoughts have backed off a bit, but I am still very very tired and weakened. My hair is falling out by the handfuls, my chest is full of blemishes, I have tinnitus for the first time (major symptom for many in benzo withdrawal) and I’ve had a migraine headache for 3 days plus so much more! Obviously something’s up. Just a few months ago I was feeling almost well…

    This is eerie, because we finished tapering at about the same time, didn’t we? Well, I got tinnitus a couple months ago. It’s like a car horn that never EVER ends. Never had it before. I knew it was a common symptom, but I’d been thinking I had been so long off the Klonopin that I was out of the woods. NOPE. Anyway, I know it must be small consolation, but you’re not the only one this is happening to.

    #48917

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Thanks for the reassuring update Humanbeing and the wonderful compliment! I can’t begin to say how much that means. I still struggle hugely with my confidence. Those are some really painful and distressing physical symptoms. Can I suggest 2 things? Go to your local natural food store and grab some sodium ascorbate. The NOW brand is really good. Dissolve about 1/4 teaspoon into some juice. Stir the living shit out of it first. It’s just another name for a form of vitamin C, but it’s the full molecule. Most commercially available vitamin C is ascorbic acid, which isn’t real vitamin c at all. I learned about that this summer when we realized my partner had developed a low grade form of scurvy. Vitamin C is just about the gentlest supplement to take I think. Also, may I suggest visiting earthclinic.com? I discovered the site awhile back and was astounded at the quality of info there. Try looking up your symptoms. Just be careful, I always read the whole section on any remedy before experimenting. It gives you a balanced feel for possible side effects and counter indications. They have a pretty strict policy of not allowing any product endorsements, so I trust it more than any resource I’ve found. I got carried away the first time I found the site and tried too may things at once. That would be my only caveat.
    I hope it helps!

    Mmmmm,
    Bluegrass!

    http://youtu.be/9DTqDogkRfk

    http://youtu.be/ALcdFAAojt4

    Not bluegrass really
    But one of my favorite songs
    Ever!

    http://youtu.be/ZE9KWU-ntBk

    We love bluegrass here in Wyoming Uprising! Beartrap music festival is the biggest party we have all year in my hometown.

    Music like this calms my shit right down.

    #48920

    schizoeffective
    Participant

    Here’s the link:

    http://www.earthclinic.com/supplements/vitamin_c.html

    They endorse Apple cider vinegar and/or baking soda really heavily at earthclinic. I can only say when I have tried them I was pretty Gobsmacked at how well they work for short term relief for a lot of things. They are also dirt cheap.

    Benzo withdrawals sound like the absolute worst, even with tapering.
    Ouch
    Ouch
    Ouch
    🙁

    Good luck!

Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 1,156 total)

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