triggers are slashing my mind
I process the memories of one strange
summer ;
Where was I ? How long did I wander ?
I walked a lot
nowhere and everywhere, until I collapsed
What was I looking for ? I found nothing
but I was found lying no longer down to earth;
to the ER it is – and then they gave me meds to shut
up, to shut down
my wonder and my wander.
then later on, in the ambulance
a police squad escorts me, hands tied and
barely alive, thinking Iām dead,
off to the psych ward, they said.
Fifty shades of days
without a single consent
my father put me in a crazy jail
and my mum canāt think straight
At the tribunal of mental sanctity, the verdict is clear-cut,
even my attorney signs it off, thereās not a single soul to take my plea,
here, the first trigger sinks in
and itās slashing my mind
I remember
the unhinged merry-go-round of my meninges,
their approved drugs taking over, one take after another, until you give in
Still I remember
old men raping when you canāt think
I recall
a crowd of nurses circling me like a shibari gang bang mad ready, I recall
the needle stabbed in my ass, to fuck me up as I stand down,
I recall
the cries, mine and otherās resounding across the halls, itās two a.m.
time for checks and searches like in prison, I recall
the bans and the injunctions
I remember,
begging, explaining, grappling with reasoning,
but above all, I recall
those fifty shades of days
where I was disowned
of my very own
self, of my very own
shell
Today, I recall them,
one trigger at a time,
I pull them
out of my mind
as I relate it all,
tell my story, and cast my accounts, as I
settle, down
anyways, calling out them psych wards where violence is,
really just
normal
ābeing crazyā is a forensic conference and Iām not in the picture,
at the ward, consent is taken, crushed,
put to sleep, tied up,
and there, youāre a mere lunatic
cast out without allies
so bid goodbye to your dignity,
now youāre an alien under a dome
having to earn its own freedom.
***
Alec Stanza is an occasional Belgian slam poet, but he’s been dancing with words since childhood. They’re a writer for sure, as well as an aspiring polyglot, both writing in French, English, and translating between their two preferred languages. They thrive in harmony, always seeking connection with others and their environment. They write about their love life and traumas, braving the collective taboo and fears around difficult topics. They have been edited in collective chapbooks, and are currently seeking to self-publish their first book, “Fading Forevers and The Fun of It.”
Poet’s Instagram: @alecstanza
***
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