From Mad in the Netherlands: What do I mean by emotional poverty? It’s the lack of depth in the exchange of feelings. The inability to sense or express emotions in a way that nourishes the whole family. This lack is often invisible, but the consequences are felt by the (adult) children in loneliness, uncertainty, and their own misunderstood behavior.
While people think they consciously choose an approach, Co-drivers are often driven by unconscious mechanisms. Their behavior is usually not a conscious choice, but an automatic survival response to deeply ingrained core beliefs. Those who, as children, couldn’t mirror their emotions with a parent may withdraw inward—because the child believes it’s not the parent’s fault—and develop the idea that they are no good or good enough. This toxic shame leads to deep loneliness.
Read the full article here and the English translation here.
Very interesting. More like this! I have autism, and family dynamics explained this way makes sense. Although I am a child of parents who may or may not have it. My grandfather would always withdraw, everyone said he just had bad ADHD. Super cool guy. Very smart. He died a couple years back. A couple books that I’ve read of note: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults by Theresa M. Regan. It gives a lot of clinical stories.
Report comment
Thank you so much for your comment — it means a lot that you, as someone with autism, connect with this.
What I call the blind spot dynamic is a two-way street: both the autistic person and the non-autistic family member often misread or completly miss each other’s emotions and behavior. That mutual blind spot creates tension — and over time, both sides develop survival strategies to cope. Sometimes it is not only autism but also these strategies survive generations.
Thanks again for sharing your story — and for the books tip!
Warm greetings from the Netherlands,
Henrike
Report comment
Makes a lot of sense! Thank you for your reply Henrike!
The other book I forgot to add is Nutrient Power Heal your biochemistry and heal your brain by William J. Walsh, PhD
Have a nice day!
Report comment
This describes so perfectly the dynamics with my parents, me, and my siblings.
Report comment
As the daughter of an autistic mother – undiagnosed, but I am positive she is autistic – and the grandmother of an autistic child – diagnosed, and how I realized my mother was autistic – it is such a relief to read this. For several years now, I have been coming to understand how this affected my own self-perceptions and relationships. More needs to be written about this topic. I hope to do so. Reading this article, I see even more clearly how my siblings were affected.
Report comment
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s deeply moving to hear how reading my blog has brought clarity and relief to your own journey and relationships. This is exactly why I am passionate about shining light on the experiences of those who live alongside autism — the “co-pilots” or “passengers,” as I call them — whose voices are often overlooked.
There truly is so much more to explore and understand about the ripple effects within families, and your intention to learn more and read further on this important topic is inspiring. If you’re interested, I’m working on a guide that weaves together psychological insight, lived experience, and creativity to support people just like you. I’d love to connect and share more when the time feels right.
Feel free to follow me on LinkedIn to stay updated when my guide is published!
Wishing you strength and connection on your path.
Report comment