I think a large part of what gets passed along to the next generation is, “follow the rules, feelings are a luxury you don’t need, and you’ll be ok.” Our basic human need to be in other minds and hearts is considered old fashioned and a waste of effort in our world of competition. Somehow, we have gone past the human condition, since we are so adaptable. But we fooled ourselves, we’re really just the same, except uncomfortable, sick, violent, and other bad things.
I think love is the confidence that others want to keep all about us up to date in their minds, and that they would think of us frequently, wonder about, look for, find, and if need be rescue us.
It seems like the whole topic of mental health skips the basic human needs to feel included, such as feeling known, cared about, and belonging. People think those things are available to everyone so the therapists help you know how to get them and give you a little bit of them while you have therapy, and they then send you back out into your world, where you fail again. Drugs are something to keep you from feeling or thinking too much. Considering the state of the culture, that’s probably about all the can be done. Where are the good people? Do they vanish a little bit more from each generation to the next?
I know this is far-fetched but it’s an idea. Why we like music, why it seems to help us mentally and emotionally, has to do with our association of music with the turning of attention to where it’s coming from and the steady focus of attention on it. This is a very necessary thing for people to focus attention on each one of us so we feel known and safe. When we see people all focusing on music, the association is a moment of safety has taken place, and we were there. If we could make the music, they would focus on us. The more we hear and take in, the more we feel we have the same chance to get people to focus on us and make us safe. The more minds we are in, the more security we have.
Conspiracy theories are assumptions which are not proven. Psychiatry is based on assumptions about how the mind works which have not be proven, so it’s kind that thing as I am getting it.
I wonder why the discussion doesn’t talk about human needs, like the need to feel known and belong. Maybe that’s too simple and the words aren’t long enough. There’s nothing mysterious with feeling depressed or anxious when the parts of our minds are up against a society, the people of which, don’t really care about some of us. Our minds tell us we’re in deep trouble when we don’t feel accepted of valued, and they do it by feelings that are considered an illness.
They seem to always be talking about unitary minds, so what happens is mystical and spiritual. But we are a mass of parts all working in parallel to cope with life, we couldn’t do it otherwise. It’s the separation of the parts that creates the mystery, they come and go and combine and blend. It’s a noisy, confusing, boiling pot of stuff. But it’s effective. We have taken over the planet and just about ruined it. We should be a little more understanding and kind to each other and respect the complexity of people’s minds.
We humans have a natural instinct to make little niches in our minds where others can feel known and cared about. Be in several niches for some time, and you feel belonging, what we need most. Let us give and get more niches, and let them be soft, tolerant, and kind.
Psychiatry will continue to exist like it is because there is no replacement. Some aren’t considered worthy to have basic needs of feeling known, and acceptable. You can criticize and find every fault with what they do and the drugs, but it’s what they have. By the common rules of culture, only some can exist in other minds sufficiently to feel secure. Psychiatry is a symptom of the sick society.
It seems to me like I spend most of my time trying to find ways to feel a member of some group of people, like family, or maybe a church group, even a neighborhood. It seems like that’s the most urgent need I have as a social being. I can’t be secure without the signs and signals of membership. I could be labelled as depressed or anxious since those would be mental strategies to survive without my membership need being fulfilled. The signal of being accepted is feeling known. Others want to know my thoughts and feelings, and remember them. I wonder if it’s all really that simple.
Work can be satisfying is you know others appreciate what you do. I appreciate the people who stock the shelves at Walmart, even though I don’t feel like I can just tell them that. Early in my working life I worked on development of an artificial arm, and I sensed there were people who liked what I did. I think companies do try to meet the needs of the customer, like in phones, they know that new features will emerge, and people will want a new phone every so often as a result, so they don’t build them to last forever and cost more.
It seems like the meaning of life is finding how we can fit in with others. It’s more than just cooperating, it’s being a part of each other’s lives, it’s knowing about each other, making the little niches in our minds where we keep our knowledge of each other. Our meaning is in the dependability of the niches we occupy in other people’s minds. Just a thought.
Just a different form of cruelty than what is used today.
Isn’t there a prediction made long ago: the love of many shall wax cold? Maybe we have replaced love with chemicals.
Well the thing to do for people is to undo the effects of having been denied their needs as they grew up. The basic needs are to be known, to be cared about, and to belong. It must be ok for others to know what we think and feel, and if they want to keep up with that for some time, we feel cared about, and if that goes on long enough, we know we belong. If you don’t get this early in life, then the mind’s reaction results in feelings and behavior that they call mental illness. So, you have to first help them with getting their needs at present, and then go back and try to talk to those parts which are hurting still, and show them there is a new system now, and they don’t need to make those pains and feelings they thought they did. The big problem is people are not so generous to give us our needs now, so we can work out this solution. They will do anything else, but not that. I don’t know why, it must be written in some manual or law.
There should be another term instead of mental illness, something like mental reaction. Just a product of minds put into a state that provokes a warning to us that we are not secure. Maybe mental warning would be something. I got a mental warning yesterday that I was not safe. I have a constant mental reaction to the environment where I am not accepted. Things like that.
Kids should do sports for fun. When it’s for basic needs, then it’s not right. No drug has been invented that makes you feel known, cared about, and belong. Psychiatrists shouldn’t advertise they can do anything about those basic needs unless they are prepared to spend a lot of time on it. Just my opinion, but based on my own experience.
It seems like feeling like you really belong, and have a decent way to provide for yourself and family, is what would help the most to prevent suicide. You wouldn’t have to do a lot of research about that. Just how in the world you would help people get those things, is all.
When I read people’s stories like this, I think about the parts theory of the mind, which seems to explain so much, like bipolar. Why aren’t more people aware of it and more interested? It seems like people invent all kinds of explanations when the one that makes real sense is not noticed.
How people live their lives is from the examples of the previous generations. When healthy living is lost, it will stay lost until people wake up and see what they are doing. Unhealthy beliefs make unhealthy society makes unhealthy people. For example, kids need to be known, which means what happens to them is considered highly valued information. If they feel known long enough, they will feel cared about, and if they feel cared about long enough, they will know they belong. That’s an important foundation for life. Deny humans their needs, and they have reactions. Call the reactions mental illness if you want, but the remedy is to restore human needs.
It seems like self harm would be associated with the acquisition of some human need, maybe by a part of the mind that the person isn’t aware of.
It seems like people just need what humans need, which is others that will take in their feelings and put them in a soft understanding place. The best kind of support is not one time or limited, but the kind that feels like it will last forever.
The most valued things in this world are physical perfection and achievement. If we valued people for no reason, or just for being there, maybe things could change. There is a “we” thing going on, it’s us against them, the good guys against the bad guys.
Emotional pain is a signal that we’re missing something, connection or support, something vital our mind believes we need. We need for the pain to be acknowledged and understood so we feel known, cared about, and belong. Then the purpose for the pain is fulfilled.
Sports would work if you were good enough at it to be on the team, but it could work against your needs if you weren’t as good a player as they wanted. It doesn’t have to be sports, it could anything where you were found equally acceptable as the others. It’s hard to find such things in our competitive society. We make everything about who is better. Sports, writing, being an astronaut, commenting, it doesn’t matter about your feelings, it’s where you are in the ratings of how well you did.
My impression is that the resilience we have in the face of traumatic events is a function of the support of others, like them knowing our thoughts and feelings, caring about us, and giving us a sense of belonging.
My mother had some of those way back. She called them shock treatments. I don’t know if it did brain damage, but she was just deathly afraid of them. I wonder if they didn’t do anesthetic back then. It’s like medieval torture with a scientific flair.
Mental illness. The normal human reaction to life in the world at the time, where some people were without the necessary basic human needs, such as, feeling known, cared about, and belonging. Happened to humans, but other humans pretended it was puzzling to them that any of their species would have such reactions. The affected people were assigned various labels to help determine what was done with them, such as, giving them chemicals to interfere with the functioning of their minds, or placing in the care of other specially trained people, who sometimes kept them in buildings designed to isolate them from others. One of the most incomprehensible periods in human history.
Well isn’t it really that it’s a software problem, and since they don’t know how to fix that, all they can do is attack the hardware? And the software can’t be changed just by a new environment, you have to find ways to really reach in and talk to it, since it’s intelligent and has a purpose, even though it’s wrecking people’s lives.
We need to find the people who have our lives inside them, and their lives are inside us, where we belong to each other. When life has so many distractions that we fail to meet one another in depth, then we’re in a lot of trouble.
Mental distress is just our unavoidable reaction to being made insecure, drugs only interfere with the functioning of the mind. We are born needing substance or money security, relational security, and also security with God, so we don’t fear death. We can’t do without any of those and feel secure. It’s ignorance of our nature that leads us to neglect the needs of others, since we get what we need from each other.
The pain behind suicide takes a long time to help, so the immediate things they do have to be ineffective at resolving their problems. They can threaten them or distract them, but it doesn’t take it away, it may even just make them more determined and better at it. There is no answer except to stop building people lives with pain in them. Or be able to remove it more skillfully. The greatest threat to society is parents who trust their instincts. They should put a lot of thought, study, prayer, and careful consideration together with their instincts for what they do for the next generation. We have to make better lives.
I get the impression that most “treatments” come from the frustration that people can’t be talked out of being human.
Aren’t we socially needy such that we want to know about each other through exchanging thoughts and feelings? Isn’t that just our nature, the way we are? So, you would expect we would feel pain if we were excluded, since pain motivates us to change. Getting messages from others that we are not acceptable would create pain, enough that the mind would try to find a way out of the pain, and suggest suicide. It would be a natural reaction. The thing to find out, is why people feel like rejecting one of their own, why we look at the social part of life as competitive. Are there just too many of us? Not enough stuff to go around? Or are we missing something that should be transferred from one generation to the next, and we have forgotten what it is?
It seems like one very basic human need is to share thinking/feelings with those around us. Parents encourage their kids to share, and the need is met and the example is shown. Kids go to school and share with other kids. Sometimes even teachers can be open to sharing. It’s instinctive, for cooperation and survival. When the example of filling the need doesn’t get passed down the generations, we end up where we are today. I think there has been a mass forgetting of what humans normally do.
I think in the IFS concept of the mind, some or most, maybe all of us have among our many parts of the mind a suicide part, which looks at how much pain we are getting and makes suicidal feelings to help us escape from what it considers unbearable. So if I was talking to someone I think I would start with that idea and then ask them about the pain, because then it’s not like a one subject discussion. We could talk about maybe asking the suicide part why it thinks this pain could be unbearable. Then you don’t have this kind of all or nothing thing you have with a unitary mind.
There’s a lot less wrong with people’s minds, than with the environment they are in.
Born into a hostile environment, our mental parts assume roles of labeling, guarding, and controlling. They must do that, or it would betray us to hostile world. If we were in a friendly environment long enough, the parts might consider changing. Then and only then can we make that request and hope they will. Then they might stop the anxiety, depression, or volatile feelings, those instruments they needed to use when it wasn’t safe.
You can’t drive a car up the side of a building, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the car. It wasn’t designed for that. People were designed to be in groups of families or tribes, with close cooperation, knowing each other, and making their living by division of labor. When that’s missing, the mind detects a hostile environment, and puts up defenses designed to make us survive. Fear makes us sensitive to threats, depression keeps us out of view and therefore safe. Volatile feelings change our strategy to meet the perceived dangers. We only can find dangers by comparison to our experience, so we may make mistakes, but it’s the best we can do. Here we are surviving, and they say there is something wrong with us because we couldn’t do without our needs, the ones “they” have but we don’t.
People feel connected when they feel known and understood. And that is a human need, something that gives us strength.
Wouldn’t we feel helpless and unworthy if we never connected with our parents? If we never felt known or understood by them it presents an almost impossible situation to the mind, since we come with the need to feel present in some other minds. Madness could be the way the mind tries to find a way to manage our life when what we need for survival is absent. And maybe we underestimate the level of connection we need.
We spend our lives trying to get in to those little spaces in the minds of others around us, to put there what we want them to know if they have enough tolerance and compassion. We hope if we do the same, they will keep us and let us be there and always want to know the latest. It’s how we are together, we can’t avoid wanting to just be human.
The best promise from a politician is that they can persuade people to be kind and decent to their little children, to nurture them and treasure their feelings, create solid connections with them, so they will not need psychiatry or social control.
They counter the evils of dysfunctional families with the evils of drugs.
Maybe the causes of mental distress are too obvious to be noticed. People seem to look everywhere. Doesn’t it have to do with basic needs, especially in childhood? When we get our needs, we turn out strong and resilient, and when we don’t, there is all this confusion about what could have happened.
I just read a little about Internal Family Systems, and in it, Richard Schwartz, the person behind it, has an interesting point of view, that we are multiple personalities, divided into two types, exiles, and protectors. The exiles bear the burdens, or pains, from life, such as abuse and neglect, and threaten to overwhelm the conscious. The protectors try to keep them at bay. One of the protector class is a suicide part, which is the last ditch effort to keep us from feeling more pain than we could bear, or so the parts think. I also sometimes wonder if most people don’t believe they have worth except from their achievements, so it becomes a life long quest to keep finding any way at all to feel worth. They keep looking and trying things, only to have failure, and face starting over again. I wonder if this compares to your example of pushing the stone up the hill and it rolling down again, as maybe continually trying to work things out in your inner system to find worth that keeps the pain away, only to have it fail again, and have to start the process over.
I got a lot of resistance to the idea that whatever I thought happened and whatever I thought it meant, was what it was, because that is what is in my mind. It seems so elementary, but no one in the helping professions I encountered seemed to accept that. What we thought and felt at the time is what we have to work with, you can’t just dismiss it and get anywhere.
If the drug companies were any good, they would just substitute placebos for the anti-depressants, not tell anybody, get the same results, but not hurt anyone, except fool them a little bit.
Give me a little place in your mind, where I can really be and feel it, and I’ll give you one in mine, where you know the real you is kept, and together we are much more than adding us separately.
The mindset is toward “getting” the social and emotional things needed in life, if you have a problem, you should learn how to “get” what you need. It makes for a competitive, unhealthy society. When some get, some naturally give. If you wanted a healthy society, the mindset would be toward giving. Where there is lots of giving, there is lots of receiving, out of the abundance. Why is this so hard to figure out if there are so many smart people in the world?
Bad things happened and the message you gave to your subconscious was, I don’t like this and I don’t want it to happen again. Your obedient mind then formed parts which were dedicated to protecting you in the future, and the feelings they produce are interfering with life, so the feelings get labeled as the problem. If you came up with a way to look at the whole picture, really describe reality, then you could have a diagnosis. It wouldn’t be just a simple label thing, it would be longer. They just need to stop side stepping reality, and it would work a lot better, so they could have some way to classify problems because that is the need for officialdom and bureaucracy.
I think this is a good point. I had this experience too, not feeling the effects of things until many years later.
Maybe our social nature requires that we need to be needed, and firmly a member of some collection of others who are succeeding in securing their lives.
Instead of thinking, I have a condition, maybe I should say, my mind is valiantly trying to manage my life by producing feelings that might direct me to make changes. I would rather think of it that way.
I think the culture is geared to fail one basic need, especially with children, to have their lives, which is their feelings, known to those around them. The internal equation is, my feelings being known and accommodated, equals life. I think this is being ignored in our supposedly advanced culture.
I read the words, heard, respected, and understood. It seems like that’s really the most basic types of things every human being should get all along. Is it just ignorance on the part of parents or whoever is there for them, or is it the culture which says we should be ashamed of being needy. Needy is a strength not a weakness. We took over the planet with it because it makes us cooperate. If we keep deciding it’s really a weakness, we will begin to lose it.
The feelings come from a personality part that believes the behavior is beneficial, so like you say, it isn’t a disorder, it’s a functional part of the mind, the goal would be to be able to reason with this part and persuade it to change its beliefs about the washing keeping the person safe.
I think the labels and names only have any power when they break the linkage from cause to effect. The evil in them is that the cause is absolved of responsibility. The victim bears the dishonor of the damage, instead of those who caused it.
I think it’s not just the present hardships, but past history, that causes suicidal impulses. In the first 5 years of life, you get whatever emotional foundation you will get, based on whether your feelings were important to someone. That was the big message you needed: your feelings welcome here, your feelings matter, that forms the foundation for resilience. It’s like putting in earthquake protection, when the jolts and shaking comes, the building doesn’t crumble. We also then must have material means and social supports, no question. You have to look at all the supports to see the full picture.
It seems here almost like the idea that the mind is running a bunch of processes in parallel, each one almost like a separate entity, with a central awareness or self. Like the IFS idea. Probably, if we didn’t run many parallel detections and interpretations of our environment, we wouldn’t ever have been able to survive, because we would have taken too much time to figure out threats or opportunities. The formation of our minds is when we assign various tasks for the parts. That would be heavily influenced by our experience with abuse or neglect, or care and attention. The brain doesn’t come subdivided, it’s mode of operation is to make separate parallel functions as needed, so we have various numbers of parts. The extreme parts are making the distressful feelings, so if you get to them like with your multi lens idea, that would be good. Of course, this is all just my conjecture.
It seems like therapists or psychiatrists feel they have to be in control of the situation to feel like they are doing their job right, and anyone who is not impressionable enough, and needs more listening to than is comfortable for the psychiatrist, will just get a label. It ends the conversation, and puts the psychiatrist back in control.
We say, if only they knew, if only they could feel it the way I do. We look for someone who says, if only I knew, if only I could feel it the way you do.
The mind having many parts, each one like a member of a committee, when we work on ourselves, we’re having group therapy. You try to get all the parts to assume more cooperative roles. People working in groups would have so much complexity, no one could tell what was going on, unless they were all aware of their parts, and what each part was doing relative to others’ parts.
I saw my psychiatrist, he says I have Mary Poppins disorder, I seem to confuse umbrellas with parachutes. There’s no cure, he says, I’ll be on a spoonful of sugar for the rest of my life.
In the IFS model of the mind, I don’t think there is any such things as psychosis, just parts of the mind which have taken on extreme roles. They try to work with those parts, to persuade them to assume more beneficial roles. Makes a lot more sense to me than just using the concept of the whole mind being in some state or other. My mother had her trials with this sort of thing. There are quite a few IFS trained therapists now, I think, they have something called the Center for Self Leadership. Worth a look.
Maybe people at large should take on the mental health care provider role. We’re human, so we know how we feel, and what makes us feel better or worse. Then we ask those in distress all about how they feel, we listen carefully, we get more kind than we have ever been before, and who knows, it might even work.
Childhood with angry disinterested parent(s) would have a lot to do with depression. Happened to my mother, and me also, except mine were emotionally dead as well as disinterested. I think the mind makes a lot of parts, each one almost a person in itself (IFS model), and they are all doing their thing, which explains the chaotic nature of feelings in life. The mind is complicated. If you knew all the parts and what each one was up to, it would make sense.
In the IFS model, the mind is not unitary, but in parts, kind of a committee, and so you have to know about the parts and what each one is trying to do. It seems like recovery stories would have a lot of variability between people, but maybe you could generalize the technique.
You wonder about people’s sense of worth, whether it typically comes mostly from achievement or talents, or whether it’s a free parental gift as they grow up. Maybe it would explain why some celebrities reach a point, and then seem to wilt.
It might be a talent best learned in childhood, how to bring what’s on the inside to the outside so that it improves things instead of making them worse. I never learned it, my parents, I think, thought they should teach me how to behave so I would be successful in life, at the cost of keeping it all in, which hasn’t worked out very well.
People seem to be trying to do whatever gives them some social traction. This might be a clue about what is missing. Maybe enough tolerance and compassion for people we think are weak and shameful, will help turn them into people of emotional strength.
If shame was a good tool to help people, we’d all be perfect by now.
Since it’s the beliefs, ideas, and concepts that are the source of the signs and symptoms, they should spend their effort getting to those, rather than just some new way to relate the symptom types.
I think it all shows just how much human beings need to have what’s on the inside, be able to show up on the outside. Seems like this is a survival thing, built into us, so we can, together, meet the environment successfully. For children, if the adults know all about them, keeping track of them, they are more likely to survive. We are, by nature, kind of mismatched to our organized society.
Those who can recover from the treatment of the sick culture must have a basic self respect in them that the culture couldn’t remove. This is something we should study.
We live in a culture in which normal is considered healthy, but in general, normal is too disconnected to meet our needs. The treatments and drugs mostly serve the purpose of distracting and inhibiting our minds from the pain of disconnection. People use the rules of culture to compete for something that should not require competition. Why?
Will this list of things include, “do you feel anybody knows (now or at any time) the real you, even what could be embarrassing, and has tolerance and compassion for you?”
I think what secular and maybe some religious authorities want the most is to stay in power, so they will go with whatever is the most popular thing. If most people believed psychiatry was useless and harmful, I think the authorities would be saying that. It seems like down through history, some wars had religious aspects to them, so I’m not sure I would call all religions civilizing. I wouldn’t compare religions to psychiatry, I would compare psychiatry more to culture. I define culture as the way people do things, for no reason other than that’s the way they are doing them.
The right “mothering” and/or “fathering” is really the only answer to all these disheartening statistics, which represent lots of suffering. The instincts to provide for the rising generations have been lost, or at least a lot of them. They will be passed on to the next generations, if they exist, otherwise nothing or something inferior. Parental managers who don’t know their kids in depth don’t believe anything is wrong, and the kids don’t know it either, until much later in life when they “come down” with some “mental disorder.” And then they don’t want to admit how bad their childhood was, and the parents need to be spared from any more grief, so the truth never comes out, and we’re in dark, and believe we can’t stand the light. Somebody should write something to the effect, turn on the light, let’s see where we are, really.
Children learn about two kinds of worth, one is a given, an unconditional gift, and the other comes from achievement. The first kind is the one we are born to need, and the second kind is how we try to fill in the hole left by not getting the first kind. The trouble is, it’s not easy to get the second kind, and it doesn’t last.
Instead of drugs, a child needs to come home and tell his mom what happened, how he felt, what he thought, withholding nothing, and she would absorb it all, and somehow, she could handle it, explain it, and then it wasn’t so bad after all.
School seems to be where kids are compared to one other, so it is where some are valued and others devalued. No wonder there is fear, none of us like to go where we are devalued.
The bad stuff that happens to people in the first few years of life doesn’t necessarily show up right away in how they behave or how they feel. They are able to go on as if nothing bad happened to them because that’s what society expects, or what their parents expect. It’s probably a survival trait, to give them time to survive on their own. Later on, as I know from my own experience, all that stuff comes up to be dealt with. It’s almost a complete surprise. My point is that the current increase in people trying to find anything which will help them cope with how they feel may not be entirely due to current circumstances, it may also be from past history.
In terms of recognition, feeling known, tolerated, and valued, if more were giving, more would be receiving. But the culture of the day is more about seeking, getting, and taking. The pivotal point is what parents teach their kids by example, about how needs are met. The idea at present is you must attract them through seeking admiration, you kind of extort them, extract them, through competition, such as in sports, for example. You have to earn what you need. There is scarcity, some win, some lose. If you could change a lot of minds about what to teach the rising generations, the culture could change, be more giving, but people are afraid we wouldn’t have excellence if we didn’t compete for basic needs. I disagree, I think the society would be improved.
Suicide is the last resort “emotional pain reliever” so maybe it would be better to ask them to describe their feelings and how intense they are and how they usually deal with them as they come and go. That might lead to a discussion of what happened to them in the past that is causing their pain. Most doctors wouldn’t have time for that, but maybe they need to decide if they really want to help people or not.
Our competitive culture is also designed for loneliness.
I think we start out in life very weak and vulnerable, but if we get what we need and are not injured before we reach maturity, which is somewhere in the mid 20’s, we are then quite strong and able to handle what comes. I think the mistake society makes is to make us grow up too soon. We need the time to form our minds without them being overwhelmed during the process. I think the belief that stress as a means of making resilience is misguided, even though it is universally believed. What counteracts stress is a deep belief in our own worth and value, and it takes time to put that in place.
I wonder if a lot of the fear I have today from just living in the competitive world, are not magnified many times by the childhood fear of abandonment, which I don’t consciously remember. Very interesting article.
I think the mental health care system reflects the sickness of the culture. Also, without meaning to pry, I always wish when there are articles about personal experiences, they would give a brief overview of their life, especially their early life, because it might help others of us to understand ourselves better. Most of the reason I read this website is to gain insights into my own situation.
It’s trust that makes a community work, so they have to stop designating people as “having a disorder,” and instead educate people about what happened in that person’s life, and what the effects are. Help them understand each other so they can have some trust. In my experience, whether it’s family or community, the feeling one has is “nobody understands.” So, they don’t know what to do, and a person not understood doesn’t really know what to tell them, because past experience is they don’t believe anything you say.
I’ve always liked the idea that the mind was more like a committee than a single personality. And who can really understand what is happening in a committee?
One devil was telling the other devil how they would destroy a particular society. What we do first, he said, is we work on the families, to remove kindness and tenderness towards their children, because it makes them weak. Kids need to be tough, without feelings. Don’t wait for them to grow up, make them. Evaluate them thru competition. It’s all about winning. If we convince enough of them, the devil went on, in a few generations, they’ll do it to themselves.
I missed seeing any mention of development in childhood, such as emotional neglect or abuse being related to adult anxiety. I’m sure there is a solid connection there. I think if there are disorders, they are in parenting and what happens in schools, and even churches.
Sometimes I think that early in life, depending on how parents respond, a child can come to believe that seeking attention is shameful, and this rule becomes stuck at a basic level. Later, when there may be opportunities to connect, the rule makes it unsuccessful. People around them believe they would rather be left alone, and so, oblige them. All the while another part of the mind is wanting very much to fit in. Believing that we have unitary and freely accessible minds justifies blaming the individual, who they say should just change his mind.
We live in a culture of competence, ability, achievement, excellence, responsibility, etc. It matters how good we are at doing something. What has happened, however, is that these things, no matter how good they are, have become the foundation of our mental state, our foundation in life. We get fed this story of doing our best from when we are little, and it’s become the principle story. The other story, of our unconditional value and worth, comes in second place. Whatever we do, we are going to be compared and scored and classified. In my opinion, the spirit of competition has become so ingrained in almost everything, it’s making us sick, even some of those who excel.
The only therapist I felt like taking any advice from was one that actually seemed to care what I thought or felt. The rest of them just wanted to use either some authority figure approach or some kind of method approach. I think we have to feel like our attitudes, feelings, opinions, are first accepted as important, worthy, and honorable, because that is what we have to work with, that is what we are at the moment. But when they just brush those things aside, I seem to just automatically reject their advice.
You used to hear about when a child had something go wrong, he could just go home and tell his mother, and somehow, she would absorb all the hurt and the tears, and make it come out right. In the process, she would teach her child resilience and strength. What happened to those mothers?
Maybe what is within us is close to what is between us.
But is the use of digital media a cause, or an effect of something else, like the failure to provide the emotional needs of children?
I understood CBT to say basically that since feelings are derived from the consequences of beliefs, and the beliefs you have were almost certainly arrived at through faulty reasoning, it must follow that they are not necessarily true, and therefore questionable, and when seen correctly, must be false. So, if you buy all that, logically, you give up those beliefs, and feel better, find yourself able to do that which is validating, satisfies your needs, conquers your fears, and improves life. It sounded good, except for the feeling that beliefs were somehow so basically ingrained that to challenge them with reason wasn’t going to budge them because they were learned emotionally, and it takes an emotional approach to influence them. To me it was that I was going to have to feel something to change something, and CBT was just missing that. Their solution is exposure therapy, and I had enough exposure to bad situations already, I thought it was bad experiences that created the problem, so why just keep doing that over again. I suppose my beliefs had to change first, but then how does that work? It all seemed to rely on you being over awed by the authority of the therapist. IMO it takes some good experience to overcome some bad experience, but with CBT they seem to like to throw you to the wolves.
I think a large part of what gets passed along to the next generation is, “follow the rules, feelings are a luxury you don’t need, and you’ll be ok.” Our basic human need to be in other minds and hearts is considered old fashioned and a waste of effort in our world of competition. Somehow, we have gone past the human condition, since we are so adaptable. But we fooled ourselves, we’re really just the same, except uncomfortable, sick, violent, and other bad things.
I think love is the confidence that others want to keep all about us up to date in their minds, and that they would think of us frequently, wonder about, look for, find, and if need be rescue us.
It seems like the whole topic of mental health skips the basic human needs to feel included, such as feeling known, cared about, and belonging. People think those things are available to everyone so the therapists help you know how to get them and give you a little bit of them while you have therapy, and they then send you back out into your world, where you fail again. Drugs are something to keep you from feeling or thinking too much. Considering the state of the culture, that’s probably about all the can be done. Where are the good people? Do they vanish a little bit more from each generation to the next?
I know this is far-fetched but it’s an idea. Why we like music, why it seems to help us mentally and emotionally, has to do with our association of music with the turning of attention to where it’s coming from and the steady focus of attention on it. This is a very necessary thing for people to focus attention on each one of us so we feel known and safe. When we see people all focusing on music, the association is a moment of safety has taken place, and we were there. If we could make the music, they would focus on us. The more we hear and take in, the more we feel we have the same chance to get people to focus on us and make us safe. The more minds we are in, the more security we have.
Conspiracy theories are assumptions which are not proven. Psychiatry is based on assumptions about how the mind works which have not be proven, so it’s kind that thing as I am getting it.
I wonder why the discussion doesn’t talk about human needs, like the need to feel known and belong. Maybe that’s too simple and the words aren’t long enough. There’s nothing mysterious with feeling depressed or anxious when the parts of our minds are up against a society, the people of which, don’t really care about some of us. Our minds tell us we’re in deep trouble when we don’t feel accepted of valued, and they do it by feelings that are considered an illness.
They seem to always be talking about unitary minds, so what happens is mystical and spiritual. But we are a mass of parts all working in parallel to cope with life, we couldn’t do it otherwise. It’s the separation of the parts that creates the mystery, they come and go and combine and blend. It’s a noisy, confusing, boiling pot of stuff. But it’s effective. We have taken over the planet and just about ruined it. We should be a little more understanding and kind to each other and respect the complexity of people’s minds.
We humans have a natural instinct to make little niches in our minds where others can feel known and cared about. Be in several niches for some time, and you feel belonging, what we need most. Let us give and get more niches, and let them be soft, tolerant, and kind.
Psychiatry will continue to exist like it is because there is no replacement. Some aren’t considered worthy to have basic needs of feeling known, and acceptable. You can criticize and find every fault with what they do and the drugs, but it’s what they have. By the common rules of culture, only some can exist in other minds sufficiently to feel secure. Psychiatry is a symptom of the sick society.
It seems to me like I spend most of my time trying to find ways to feel a member of some group of people, like family, or maybe a church group, even a neighborhood. It seems like that’s the most urgent need I have as a social being. I can’t be secure without the signs and signals of membership. I could be labelled as depressed or anxious since those would be mental strategies to survive without my membership need being fulfilled. The signal of being accepted is feeling known. Others want to know my thoughts and feelings, and remember them. I wonder if it’s all really that simple.
Work can be satisfying is you know others appreciate what you do. I appreciate the people who stock the shelves at Walmart, even though I don’t feel like I can just tell them that. Early in my working life I worked on development of an artificial arm, and I sensed there were people who liked what I did. I think companies do try to meet the needs of the customer, like in phones, they know that new features will emerge, and people will want a new phone every so often as a result, so they don’t build them to last forever and cost more.
It seems like the meaning of life is finding how we can fit in with others. It’s more than just cooperating, it’s being a part of each other’s lives, it’s knowing about each other, making the little niches in our minds where we keep our knowledge of each other. Our meaning is in the dependability of the niches we occupy in other people’s minds. Just a thought.
Just a different form of cruelty than what is used today.
Isn’t there a prediction made long ago: the love of many shall wax cold? Maybe we have replaced love with chemicals.
Well the thing to do for people is to undo the effects of having been denied their needs as they grew up. The basic needs are to be known, to be cared about, and to belong. It must be ok for others to know what we think and feel, and if they want to keep up with that for some time, we feel cared about, and if that goes on long enough, we know we belong. If you don’t get this early in life, then the mind’s reaction results in feelings and behavior that they call mental illness. So, you have to first help them with getting their needs at present, and then go back and try to talk to those parts which are hurting still, and show them there is a new system now, and they don’t need to make those pains and feelings they thought they did. The big problem is people are not so generous to give us our needs now, so we can work out this solution. They will do anything else, but not that. I don’t know why, it must be written in some manual or law.
There should be another term instead of mental illness, something like mental reaction. Just a product of minds put into a state that provokes a warning to us that we are not secure. Maybe mental warning would be something. I got a mental warning yesterday that I was not safe. I have a constant mental reaction to the environment where I am not accepted. Things like that.
Kids should do sports for fun. When it’s for basic needs, then it’s not right. No drug has been invented that makes you feel known, cared about, and belong. Psychiatrists shouldn’t advertise they can do anything about those basic needs unless they are prepared to spend a lot of time on it. Just my opinion, but based on my own experience.
It seems like feeling like you really belong, and have a decent way to provide for yourself and family, is what would help the most to prevent suicide. You wouldn’t have to do a lot of research about that. Just how in the world you would help people get those things, is all.
When I read people’s stories like this, I think about the parts theory of the mind, which seems to explain so much, like bipolar. Why aren’t more people aware of it and more interested? It seems like people invent all kinds of explanations when the one that makes real sense is not noticed.
How people live their lives is from the examples of the previous generations. When healthy living is lost, it will stay lost until people wake up and see what they are doing. Unhealthy beliefs make unhealthy society makes unhealthy people. For example, kids need to be known, which means what happens to them is considered highly valued information. If they feel known long enough, they will feel cared about, and if they feel cared about long enough, they will know they belong. That’s an important foundation for life. Deny humans their needs, and they have reactions. Call the reactions mental illness if you want, but the remedy is to restore human needs.
It seems like self harm would be associated with the acquisition of some human need, maybe by a part of the mind that the person isn’t aware of.
It seems like people just need what humans need, which is others that will take in their feelings and put them in a soft understanding place. The best kind of support is not one time or limited, but the kind that feels like it will last forever.
The most valued things in this world are physical perfection and achievement. If we valued people for no reason, or just for being there, maybe things could change. There is a “we” thing going on, it’s us against them, the good guys against the bad guys.
Emotional pain is a signal that we’re missing something, connection or support, something vital our mind believes we need. We need for the pain to be acknowledged and understood so we feel known, cared about, and belong. Then the purpose for the pain is fulfilled.
Sports would work if you were good enough at it to be on the team, but it could work against your needs if you weren’t as good a player as they wanted. It doesn’t have to be sports, it could anything where you were found equally acceptable as the others. It’s hard to find such things in our competitive society. We make everything about who is better. Sports, writing, being an astronaut, commenting, it doesn’t matter about your feelings, it’s where you are in the ratings of how well you did.
My impression is that the resilience we have in the face of traumatic events is a function of the support of others, like them knowing our thoughts and feelings, caring about us, and giving us a sense of belonging.
My mother had some of those way back. She called them shock treatments. I don’t know if it did brain damage, but she was just deathly afraid of them. I wonder if they didn’t do anesthetic back then. It’s like medieval torture with a scientific flair.
Mental illness. The normal human reaction to life in the world at the time, where some people were without the necessary basic human needs, such as, feeling known, cared about, and belonging. Happened to humans, but other humans pretended it was puzzling to them that any of their species would have such reactions. The affected people were assigned various labels to help determine what was done with them, such as, giving them chemicals to interfere with the functioning of their minds, or placing in the care of other specially trained people, who sometimes kept them in buildings designed to isolate them from others. One of the most incomprehensible periods in human history.
Well isn’t it really that it’s a software problem, and since they don’t know how to fix that, all they can do is attack the hardware? And the software can’t be changed just by a new environment, you have to find ways to really reach in and talk to it, since it’s intelligent and has a purpose, even though it’s wrecking people’s lives.
We need to find the people who have our lives inside them, and their lives are inside us, where we belong to each other. When life has so many distractions that we fail to meet one another in depth, then we’re in a lot of trouble.
Mental distress is just our unavoidable reaction to being made insecure, drugs only interfere with the functioning of the mind. We are born needing substance or money security, relational security, and also security with God, so we don’t fear death. We can’t do without any of those and feel secure. It’s ignorance of our nature that leads us to neglect the needs of others, since we get what we need from each other.
The pain behind suicide takes a long time to help, so the immediate things they do have to be ineffective at resolving their problems. They can threaten them or distract them, but it doesn’t take it away, it may even just make them more determined and better at it. There is no answer except to stop building people lives with pain in them. Or be able to remove it more skillfully. The greatest threat to society is parents who trust their instincts. They should put a lot of thought, study, prayer, and careful consideration together with their instincts for what they do for the next generation. We have to make better lives.
I get the impression that most “treatments” come from the frustration that people can’t be talked out of being human.
Aren’t we socially needy such that we want to know about each other through exchanging thoughts and feelings? Isn’t that just our nature, the way we are? So, you would expect we would feel pain if we were excluded, since pain motivates us to change. Getting messages from others that we are not acceptable would create pain, enough that the mind would try to find a way out of the pain, and suggest suicide. It would be a natural reaction. The thing to find out, is why people feel like rejecting one of their own, why we look at the social part of life as competitive. Are there just too many of us? Not enough stuff to go around? Or are we missing something that should be transferred from one generation to the next, and we have forgotten what it is?
It seems like one very basic human need is to share thinking/feelings with those around us. Parents encourage their kids to share, and the need is met and the example is shown. Kids go to school and share with other kids. Sometimes even teachers can be open to sharing. It’s instinctive, for cooperation and survival. When the example of filling the need doesn’t get passed down the generations, we end up where we are today. I think there has been a mass forgetting of what humans normally do.
I think in the IFS concept of the mind, some or most, maybe all of us have among our many parts of the mind a suicide part, which looks at how much pain we are getting and makes suicidal feelings to help us escape from what it considers unbearable. So if I was talking to someone I think I would start with that idea and then ask them about the pain, because then it’s not like a one subject discussion. We could talk about maybe asking the suicide part why it thinks this pain could be unbearable. Then you don’t have this kind of all or nothing thing you have with a unitary mind.
There’s a lot less wrong with people’s minds, than with the environment they are in.
Born into a hostile environment, our mental parts assume roles of labeling, guarding, and controlling. They must do that, or it would betray us to hostile world. If we were in a friendly environment long enough, the parts might consider changing. Then and only then can we make that request and hope they will. Then they might stop the anxiety, depression, or volatile feelings, those instruments they needed to use when it wasn’t safe.
You can’t drive a car up the side of a building, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the car. It wasn’t designed for that. People were designed to be in groups of families or tribes, with close cooperation, knowing each other, and making their living by division of labor. When that’s missing, the mind detects a hostile environment, and puts up defenses designed to make us survive. Fear makes us sensitive to threats, depression keeps us out of view and therefore safe. Volatile feelings change our strategy to meet the perceived dangers. We only can find dangers by comparison to our experience, so we may make mistakes, but it’s the best we can do. Here we are surviving, and they say there is something wrong with us because we couldn’t do without our needs, the ones “they” have but we don’t.
People feel connected when they feel known and understood. And that is a human need, something that gives us strength.
Wouldn’t we feel helpless and unworthy if we never connected with our parents? If we never felt known or understood by them it presents an almost impossible situation to the mind, since we come with the need to feel present in some other minds. Madness could be the way the mind tries to find a way to manage our life when what we need for survival is absent. And maybe we underestimate the level of connection we need.
We spend our lives trying to get in to those little spaces in the minds of others around us, to put there what we want them to know if they have enough tolerance and compassion. We hope if we do the same, they will keep us and let us be there and always want to know the latest. It’s how we are together, we can’t avoid wanting to just be human.
The best promise from a politician is that they can persuade people to be kind and decent to their little children, to nurture them and treasure their feelings, create solid connections with them, so they will not need psychiatry or social control.
They counter the evils of dysfunctional families with the evils of drugs.
Maybe the causes of mental distress are too obvious to be noticed. People seem to look everywhere. Doesn’t it have to do with basic needs, especially in childhood? When we get our needs, we turn out strong and resilient, and when we don’t, there is all this confusion about what could have happened.
I just read a little about Internal Family Systems, and in it, Richard Schwartz, the person behind it, has an interesting point of view, that we are multiple personalities, divided into two types, exiles, and protectors. The exiles bear the burdens, or pains, from life, such as abuse and neglect, and threaten to overwhelm the conscious. The protectors try to keep them at bay. One of the protector class is a suicide part, which is the last ditch effort to keep us from feeling more pain than we could bear, or so the parts think. I also sometimes wonder if most people don’t believe they have worth except from their achievements, so it becomes a life long quest to keep finding any way at all to feel worth. They keep looking and trying things, only to have failure, and face starting over again. I wonder if this compares to your example of pushing the stone up the hill and it rolling down again, as maybe continually trying to work things out in your inner system to find worth that keeps the pain away, only to have it fail again, and have to start the process over.
I got a lot of resistance to the idea that whatever I thought happened and whatever I thought it meant, was what it was, because that is what is in my mind. It seems so elementary, but no one in the helping professions I encountered seemed to accept that. What we thought and felt at the time is what we have to work with, you can’t just dismiss it and get anywhere.
If the drug companies were any good, they would just substitute placebos for the anti-depressants, not tell anybody, get the same results, but not hurt anyone, except fool them a little bit.
Give me a little place in your mind, where I can really be and feel it, and I’ll give you one in mine, where you know the real you is kept, and together we are much more than adding us separately.
The mindset is toward “getting” the social and emotional things needed in life, if you have a problem, you should learn how to “get” what you need. It makes for a competitive, unhealthy society. When some get, some naturally give. If you wanted a healthy society, the mindset would be toward giving. Where there is lots of giving, there is lots of receiving, out of the abundance. Why is this so hard to figure out if there are so many smart people in the world?
Bad things happened and the message you gave to your subconscious was, I don’t like this and I don’t want it to happen again. Your obedient mind then formed parts which were dedicated to protecting you in the future, and the feelings they produce are interfering with life, so the feelings get labeled as the problem. If you came up with a way to look at the whole picture, really describe reality, then you could have a diagnosis. It wouldn’t be just a simple label thing, it would be longer. They just need to stop side stepping reality, and it would work a lot better, so they could have some way to classify problems because that is the need for officialdom and bureaucracy.
I think this is a good point. I had this experience too, not feeling the effects of things until many years later.
Maybe our social nature requires that we need to be needed, and firmly a member of some collection of others who are succeeding in securing their lives.
Instead of thinking, I have a condition, maybe I should say, my mind is valiantly trying to manage my life by producing feelings that might direct me to make changes. I would rather think of it that way.
I think the culture is geared to fail one basic need, especially with children, to have their lives, which is their feelings, known to those around them. The internal equation is, my feelings being known and accommodated, equals life. I think this is being ignored in our supposedly advanced culture.
I read the words, heard, respected, and understood. It seems like that’s really the most basic types of things every human being should get all along. Is it just ignorance on the part of parents or whoever is there for them, or is it the culture which says we should be ashamed of being needy. Needy is a strength not a weakness. We took over the planet with it because it makes us cooperate. If we keep deciding it’s really a weakness, we will begin to lose it.
The feelings come from a personality part that believes the behavior is beneficial, so like you say, it isn’t a disorder, it’s a functional part of the mind, the goal would be to be able to reason with this part and persuade it to change its beliefs about the washing keeping the person safe.
I think the labels and names only have any power when they break the linkage from cause to effect. The evil in them is that the cause is absolved of responsibility. The victim bears the dishonor of the damage, instead of those who caused it.
I think it’s not just the present hardships, but past history, that causes suicidal impulses. In the first 5 years of life, you get whatever emotional foundation you will get, based on whether your feelings were important to someone. That was the big message you needed: your feelings welcome here, your feelings matter, that forms the foundation for resilience. It’s like putting in earthquake protection, when the jolts and shaking comes, the building doesn’t crumble. We also then must have material means and social supports, no question. You have to look at all the supports to see the full picture.
It seems here almost like the idea that the mind is running a bunch of processes in parallel, each one almost like a separate entity, with a central awareness or self. Like the IFS idea. Probably, if we didn’t run many parallel detections and interpretations of our environment, we wouldn’t ever have been able to survive, because we would have taken too much time to figure out threats or opportunities. The formation of our minds is when we assign various tasks for the parts. That would be heavily influenced by our experience with abuse or neglect, or care and attention. The brain doesn’t come subdivided, it’s mode of operation is to make separate parallel functions as needed, so we have various numbers of parts. The extreme parts are making the distressful feelings, so if you get to them like with your multi lens idea, that would be good. Of course, this is all just my conjecture.
It seems like therapists or psychiatrists feel they have to be in control of the situation to feel like they are doing their job right, and anyone who is not impressionable enough, and needs more listening to than is comfortable for the psychiatrist, will just get a label. It ends the conversation, and puts the psychiatrist back in control.
Here’s an explanation of voices which I think is in agreement with this article:
https://1440.org/blog/understanding-internal-family-systems/
We say, if only they knew, if only they could feel it the way I do. We look for someone who says, if only I knew, if only I could feel it the way you do.
The mind having many parts, each one like a member of a committee, when we work on ourselves, we’re having group therapy. You try to get all the parts to assume more cooperative roles. People working in groups would have so much complexity, no one could tell what was going on, unless they were all aware of their parts, and what each part was doing relative to others’ parts.
I saw my psychiatrist, he says I have Mary Poppins disorder, I seem to confuse umbrellas with parachutes. There’s no cure, he says, I’ll be on a spoonful of sugar for the rest of my life.
In the IFS model of the mind, I don’t think there is any such things as psychosis, just parts of the mind which have taken on extreme roles. They try to work with those parts, to persuade them to assume more beneficial roles. Makes a lot more sense to me than just using the concept of the whole mind being in some state or other. My mother had her trials with this sort of thing. There are quite a few IFS trained therapists now, I think, they have something called the Center for Self Leadership. Worth a look.
Maybe people at large should take on the mental health care provider role. We’re human, so we know how we feel, and what makes us feel better or worse. Then we ask those in distress all about how they feel, we listen carefully, we get more kind than we have ever been before, and who knows, it might even work.
Childhood with angry disinterested parent(s) would have a lot to do with depression. Happened to my mother, and me also, except mine were emotionally dead as well as disinterested. I think the mind makes a lot of parts, each one almost a person in itself (IFS model), and they are all doing their thing, which explains the chaotic nature of feelings in life. The mind is complicated. If you knew all the parts and what each one was up to, it would make sense.
In the IFS model, the mind is not unitary, but in parts, kind of a committee, and so you have to know about the parts and what each one is trying to do. It seems like recovery stories would have a lot of variability between people, but maybe you could generalize the technique.
You wonder about people’s sense of worth, whether it typically comes mostly from achievement or talents, or whether it’s a free parental gift as they grow up. Maybe it would explain why some celebrities reach a point, and then seem to wilt.
It might be a talent best learned in childhood, how to bring what’s on the inside to the outside so that it improves things instead of making them worse. I never learned it, my parents, I think, thought they should teach me how to behave so I would be successful in life, at the cost of keeping it all in, which hasn’t worked out very well.
People seem to be trying to do whatever gives them some social traction. This might be a clue about what is missing. Maybe enough tolerance and compassion for people we think are weak and shameful, will help turn them into people of emotional strength.
If shame was a good tool to help people, we’d all be perfect by now.
Since it’s the beliefs, ideas, and concepts that are the source of the signs and symptoms, they should spend their effort getting to those, rather than just some new way to relate the symptom types.
I think it all shows just how much human beings need to have what’s on the inside, be able to show up on the outside. Seems like this is a survival thing, built into us, so we can, together, meet the environment successfully. For children, if the adults know all about them, keeping track of them, they are more likely to survive. We are, by nature, kind of mismatched to our organized society.
Those who can recover from the treatment of the sick culture must have a basic self respect in them that the culture couldn’t remove. This is something we should study.
We live in a culture in which normal is considered healthy, but in general, normal is too disconnected to meet our needs. The treatments and drugs mostly serve the purpose of distracting and inhibiting our minds from the pain of disconnection. People use the rules of culture to compete for something that should not require competition. Why?
Will this list of things include, “do you feel anybody knows (now or at any time) the real you, even what could be embarrassing, and has tolerance and compassion for you?”
I think what secular and maybe some religious authorities want the most is to stay in power, so they will go with whatever is the most popular thing. If most people believed psychiatry was useless and harmful, I think the authorities would be saying that. It seems like down through history, some wars had religious aspects to them, so I’m not sure I would call all religions civilizing. I wouldn’t compare religions to psychiatry, I would compare psychiatry more to culture. I define culture as the way people do things, for no reason other than that’s the way they are doing them.
The right “mothering” and/or “fathering” is really the only answer to all these disheartening statistics, which represent lots of suffering. The instincts to provide for the rising generations have been lost, or at least a lot of them. They will be passed on to the next generations, if they exist, otherwise nothing or something inferior. Parental managers who don’t know their kids in depth don’t believe anything is wrong, and the kids don’t know it either, until much later in life when they “come down” with some “mental disorder.” And then they don’t want to admit how bad their childhood was, and the parents need to be spared from any more grief, so the truth never comes out, and we’re in dark, and believe we can’t stand the light. Somebody should write something to the effect, turn on the light, let’s see where we are, really.
Children learn about two kinds of worth, one is a given, an unconditional gift, and the other comes from achievement. The first kind is the one we are born to need, and the second kind is how we try to fill in the hole left by not getting the first kind. The trouble is, it’s not easy to get the second kind, and it doesn’t last.
Instead of drugs, a child needs to come home and tell his mom what happened, how he felt, what he thought, withholding nothing, and she would absorb it all, and somehow, she could handle it, explain it, and then it wasn’t so bad after all.
School seems to be where kids are compared to one other, so it is where some are valued and others devalued. No wonder there is fear, none of us like to go where we are devalued.
The bad stuff that happens to people in the first few years of life doesn’t necessarily show up right away in how they behave or how they feel. They are able to go on as if nothing bad happened to them because that’s what society expects, or what their parents expect. It’s probably a survival trait, to give them time to survive on their own. Later on, as I know from my own experience, all that stuff comes up to be dealt with. It’s almost a complete surprise. My point is that the current increase in people trying to find anything which will help them cope with how they feel may not be entirely due to current circumstances, it may also be from past history.
In terms of recognition, feeling known, tolerated, and valued, if more were giving, more would be receiving. But the culture of the day is more about seeking, getting, and taking. The pivotal point is what parents teach their kids by example, about how needs are met. The idea at present is you must attract them through seeking admiration, you kind of extort them, extract them, through competition, such as in sports, for example. You have to earn what you need. There is scarcity, some win, some lose. If you could change a lot of minds about what to teach the rising generations, the culture could change, be more giving, but people are afraid we wouldn’t have excellence if we didn’t compete for basic needs. I disagree, I think the society would be improved.
Suicide is the last resort “emotional pain reliever” so maybe it would be better to ask them to describe their feelings and how intense they are and how they usually deal with them as they come and go. That might lead to a discussion of what happened to them in the past that is causing their pain. Most doctors wouldn’t have time for that, but maybe they need to decide if they really want to help people or not.
Our competitive culture is also designed for loneliness.
I think we start out in life very weak and vulnerable, but if we get what we need and are not injured before we reach maturity, which is somewhere in the mid 20’s, we are then quite strong and able to handle what comes. I think the mistake society makes is to make us grow up too soon. We need the time to form our minds without them being overwhelmed during the process. I think the belief that stress as a means of making resilience is misguided, even though it is universally believed. What counteracts stress is a deep belief in our own worth and value, and it takes time to put that in place.
I wonder if a lot of the fear I have today from just living in the competitive world, are not magnified many times by the childhood fear of abandonment, which I don’t consciously remember. Very interesting article.
I think the mental health care system reflects the sickness of the culture. Also, without meaning to pry, I always wish when there are articles about personal experiences, they would give a brief overview of their life, especially their early life, because it might help others of us to understand ourselves better. Most of the reason I read this website is to gain insights into my own situation.
It’s trust that makes a community work, so they have to stop designating people as “having a disorder,” and instead educate people about what happened in that person’s life, and what the effects are. Help them understand each other so they can have some trust. In my experience, whether it’s family or community, the feeling one has is “nobody understands.” So, they don’t know what to do, and a person not understood doesn’t really know what to tell them, because past experience is they don’t believe anything you say.
I’ve always liked the idea that the mind was more like a committee than a single personality. And who can really understand what is happening in a committee?
One devil was telling the other devil how they would destroy a particular society. What we do first, he said, is we work on the families, to remove kindness and tenderness towards their children, because it makes them weak. Kids need to be tough, without feelings. Don’t wait for them to grow up, make them. Evaluate them thru competition. It’s all about winning. If we convince enough of them, the devil went on, in a few generations, they’ll do it to themselves.
I missed seeing any mention of development in childhood, such as emotional neglect or abuse being related to adult anxiety. I’m sure there is a solid connection there. I think if there are disorders, they are in parenting and what happens in schools, and even churches.
Sometimes I think that early in life, depending on how parents respond, a child can come to believe that seeking attention is shameful, and this rule becomes stuck at a basic level. Later, when there may be opportunities to connect, the rule makes it unsuccessful. People around them believe they would rather be left alone, and so, oblige them. All the while another part of the mind is wanting very much to fit in. Believing that we have unitary and freely accessible minds justifies blaming the individual, who they say should just change his mind.
We live in a culture of competence, ability, achievement, excellence, responsibility, etc. It matters how good we are at doing something. What has happened, however, is that these things, no matter how good they are, have become the foundation of our mental state, our foundation in life. We get fed this story of doing our best from when we are little, and it’s become the principle story. The other story, of our unconditional value and worth, comes in second place. Whatever we do, we are going to be compared and scored and classified. In my opinion, the spirit of competition has become so ingrained in almost everything, it’s making us sick, even some of those who excel.
The only therapist I felt like taking any advice from was one that actually seemed to care what I thought or felt. The rest of them just wanted to use either some authority figure approach or some kind of method approach. I think we have to feel like our attitudes, feelings, opinions, are first accepted as important, worthy, and honorable, because that is what we have to work with, that is what we are at the moment. But when they just brush those things aside, I seem to just automatically reject their advice.
You used to hear about when a child had something go wrong, he could just go home and tell his mother, and somehow, she would absorb all the hurt and the tears, and make it come out right. In the process, she would teach her child resilience and strength. What happened to those mothers?
Maybe what is within us is close to what is between us.
But is the use of digital media a cause, or an effect of something else, like the failure to provide the emotional needs of children?
I understood CBT to say basically that since feelings are derived from the consequences of beliefs, and the beliefs you have were almost certainly arrived at through faulty reasoning, it must follow that they are not necessarily true, and therefore questionable, and when seen correctly, must be false. So, if you buy all that, logically, you give up those beliefs, and feel better, find yourself able to do that which is validating, satisfies your needs, conquers your fears, and improves life. It sounded good, except for the feeling that beliefs were somehow so basically ingrained that to challenge them with reason wasn’t going to budge them because they were learned emotionally, and it takes an emotional approach to influence them. To me it was that I was going to have to feel something to change something, and CBT was just missing that. Their solution is exposure therapy, and I had enough exposure to bad situations already, I thought it was bad experiences that created the problem, so why just keep doing that over again. I suppose my beliefs had to change first, but then how does that work? It all seemed to rely on you being over awed by the authority of the therapist. IMO it takes some good experience to overcome some bad experience, but with CBT they seem to like to throw you to the wolves.