My problem with confronting my mother especially, with the negative influence she had on my life, is that my mother, has carried on her behaviour to my children, and now her great grandchildren, while just labeling me as the bad egg.
Even though this was written over 3 years ago, its just as valid, in NZ anyway. That video about you, is the one I saw on youtube, I was wondering, do you have any insight into why your issues surfaced at that particular time, was there a particular set of stress or that lead up-to, to use an older term, your breakdown?
I always liked my first diagnoses back in 1983, the psychiatrist said I had “Situational Maladjustment” and when I asked what that was, is simply said; “If you weren’t in the situation you are in, you’d be fine”
at least I had some hope, and for years it seemed to be true, life would get tough for me, and I would move to another town, and start new, often starting right from scratch, all I would take with me was my clothes, and what I could load into a small car. Around 1990, I climbed on the psyche drug roller coaster, taking anti-depressants and then anti-anxiety and sleeping pills, then after my accident in ’94 being in chronic pain opiates where added to the cocktail, that was a ride I never want to repeat.
For me, things started to change back in 2002, when I saw the movie “A Beautiful Mind” and I thought if that poor bugger can live without his drugs, for the sake of having the use of his mind, then hell I can do it too. I have since watched that movie 5 r 6 times, and it always was when I stopped taking the antidepressants. That same year, I got into a relationship with with an American, and the bouts of depression would come and go as life’s stressors overwhelmed me, then in 2007, when as it turned out, I began menopause, and I was crying or angry all the time, my partner decided she had had enough, I was going on antidepressants like it or not, and she would make sure I took them as prescribed fluoxetine and diazepam … they didn’t work, and dosage was increased 4 or 5 times until I was taking the maximum, they still didn’t make me un-depressed, but I was a good zombie, and didn’t have the fits of anger… well not that it showed…
That was when I first became aware of this other me, that would write forum posts, I had no memory of writing, although what I wrote for the most part sounded like the things I would say, then a post written, using my login, when I was asleep, saying how I was planning a murder /suicide, of my partner, brother and mother…yes I was planning it, but I know I didn’t write that post. I think a lot of things I don’t let anyone else know about… understandably I guess that’s when the shit hit the fan, although at the time, I really didn’t get why my partner was so upset I planned to kill her, it seemed like the obvious solution to me, she had often said she didn’t want to live without me, I was solving that problem… It made sense to me then…
I was removed from those drugs, and then a few times over the next few years, I would half heatedly take anti-depressants when doctors insisted they were the best thing to help with pain, and I was willing to do anything to get rid of that backpain.
Almost 3 years ago, I stopped taking all of my doctor prescribed drugs regularly, and just took a 1/4 dose of pain relief when the pain was really bad. And I feel so much better.
I don’t think I ever believed that story about mental illness being a lifelong illness, that I would have to take drugs for for the rest of my life, perhaps because of that first diagnoses, and then years later seeing that movie, I just knew that longterm the drugs made me worse, and that between the bouts of depression, I was ok.
My problem with confronting my mother especially, with the negative influence she had on my life, is that my mother, has carried on her behaviour to my children, and now her great grandchildren, while just labeling me as the bad egg.
Even though this was written over 3 years ago, its just as valid, in NZ anyway. That video about you, is the one I saw on youtube, I was wondering, do you have any insight into why your issues surfaced at that particular time, was there a particular set of stress or that lead up-to, to use an older term, your breakdown?
I always liked my first diagnoses back in 1983, the psychiatrist said I had “Situational Maladjustment” and when I asked what that was, is simply said; “If you weren’t in the situation you are in, you’d be fine”
at least I had some hope, and for years it seemed to be true, life would get tough for me, and I would move to another town, and start new, often starting right from scratch, all I would take with me was my clothes, and what I could load into a small car. Around 1990, I climbed on the psyche drug roller coaster, taking anti-depressants and then anti-anxiety and sleeping pills, then after my accident in ’94 being in chronic pain opiates where added to the cocktail, that was a ride I never want to repeat.
For me, things started to change back in 2002, when I saw the movie “A Beautiful Mind” and I thought if that poor bugger can live without his drugs, for the sake of having the use of his mind, then hell I can do it too. I have since watched that movie 5 r 6 times, and it always was when I stopped taking the antidepressants. That same year, I got into a relationship with with an American, and the bouts of depression would come and go as life’s stressors overwhelmed me, then in 2007, when as it turned out, I began menopause, and I was crying or angry all the time, my partner decided she had had enough, I was going on antidepressants like it or not, and she would make sure I took them as prescribed fluoxetine and diazepam … they didn’t work, and dosage was increased 4 or 5 times until I was taking the maximum, they still didn’t make me un-depressed, but I was a good zombie, and didn’t have the fits of anger… well not that it showed…
That was when I first became aware of this other me, that would write forum posts, I had no memory of writing, although what I wrote for the most part sounded like the things I would say, then a post written, using my login, when I was asleep, saying how I was planning a murder /suicide, of my partner, brother and mother…yes I was planning it, but I know I didn’t write that post. I think a lot of things I don’t let anyone else know about… understandably I guess that’s when the shit hit the fan, although at the time, I really didn’t get why my partner was so upset I planned to kill her, it seemed like the obvious solution to me, she had often said she didn’t want to live without me, I was solving that problem… It made sense to me then…
I was removed from those drugs, and then a few times over the next few years, I would half heatedly take anti-depressants when doctors insisted they were the best thing to help with pain, and I was willing to do anything to get rid of that backpain.
Almost 3 years ago, I stopped taking all of my doctor prescribed drugs regularly, and just took a 1/4 dose of pain relief when the pain was really bad. And I feel so much better.
I don’t think I ever believed that story about mental illness being a lifelong illness, that I would have to take drugs for for the rest of my life, perhaps because of that first diagnoses, and then years later seeing that movie, I just knew that longterm the drugs made me worse, and that between the bouts of depression, I was ok.