Thursday, June 4, 2020

Comments by Lynny

Showing 2 of 2 comments.

  • Even though this was written over 3 years ago, its just as valid, in NZ anyway. That video about you, is the one I saw on youtube, I was wondering, do you have any insight into why your issues surfaced at that particular time, was there a particular set of stress or that lead up-to, to use an older term, your breakdown?
    I always liked my first diagnoses back in 1983, the psychiatrist said I had “Situational Maladjustment” and when I asked what that was, is simply said; “If you weren’t in the situation you are in, you’d be fine”
    at least I had some hope, and for years it seemed to be true, life would get tough for me, and I would move to another town, and start new, often starting right from scratch, all I would take with me was my clothes, and what I could load into a small car. Around 1990, I climbed on the psyche drug roller coaster, taking anti-depressants and then anti-anxiety and sleeping pills, then after my accident in ’94 being in chronic pain opiates where added to the cocktail, that was a ride I never want to repeat.
    For me, things started to change back in 2002, when I saw the movie “A Beautiful Mind” and I thought if that poor bugger can live without his drugs, for the sake of having the use of his mind, then hell I can do it too. I have since watched that movie 5 r 6 times, and it always was when I stopped taking the antidepressants. That same year, I got into a relationship with with an American, and the bouts of depression would come and go as life’s stressors overwhelmed me, then in 2007, when as it turned out, I began menopause, and I was crying or angry all the time, my partner decided she had had enough, I was going on antidepressants like it or not, and she would make sure I took them as prescribed fluoxetine and diazepam … they didn’t work, and dosage was increased 4 or 5 times until I was taking the maximum, they still didn’t make me un-depressed, but I was a good zombie, and didn’t have the fits of anger… well not that it showed…
    That was when I first became aware of this other me, that would write forum posts, I had no memory of writing, although what I wrote for the most part sounded like the things I would say, then a post written, using my login, when I was asleep, saying how I was planning a murder /suicide, of my partner, brother and mother…yes I was planning it, but I know I didn’t write that post. I think a lot of things I don’t let anyone else know about… understandably I guess that’s when the shit hit the fan, although at the time, I really didn’t get why my partner was so upset I planned to kill her, it seemed like the obvious solution to me, she had often said she didn’t want to live without me, I was solving that problem… It made sense to me then…
    I was removed from those drugs, and then a few times over the next few years, I would half heatedly take anti-depressants when doctors insisted they were the best thing to help with pain, and I was willing to do anything to get rid of that backpain.
    Almost 3 years ago, I stopped taking all of my doctor prescribed drugs regularly, and just took a 1/4 dose of pain relief when the pain was really bad. And I feel so much better.
    I don’t think I ever believed that story about mental illness being a lifelong illness, that I would have to take drugs for for the rest of my life, perhaps because of that first diagnoses, and then years later seeing that movie, I just knew that longterm the drugs made me worse, and that between the bouts of depression, I was ok.