Thursday, January 17, 2019

Comments by Helpstillneeded

Showing 51 of 52 comments. Show all.

  • Samruck2

    I’m so sorry that MIA doesn’t seem to be interested in listening to you. You have helped me. I thought MIA was about change? The things you say seem to be in keeping with many ideas expressed by Open Dialogue? As both someone extremely traumatized by the US mental health system including abusive hospitalizations (I filled out the survey) and poly pharmacy, I also try to do my best truely accepting and trying to relate to someone like your spouse. I am a 66 yo male PhD Biopsychologist with over 30 years of experience who no longer can work. I would like to give someone from MIA a chance to comment on your insights and about your take on their interactions with you like the moderator of the MIA comments (Steve McCrea) or especially Bob Whitaker the head of MIA. And ask them what they are doing to try to get the information from the hospitalization survey out to the general public via a respected and non-biased form of media?

  • Marandel

    As a 66 year old PhD Biopsychologist who was a participant in the survey and because of my traumatic hospitalizations no longer work I agree with all you say. At least you have at least 1 supporter on this site. I realize that we are trying to fight a highly medically educated hierarchy who believe they have the answers. Have we not learned anything from the long ago story of Semmelweis who tried to confront his medical community with clear proof yet was an MD and was ostracized and placed in a psychiatric hospital by threatened MDs where he died.

  • Old Head. I am doing the best I can to make it day to day since I am also dealing with Poly psych drug withdrawal that I was on for 30 yrs as well as the polypharmacy from the hospitalizations. However I will do the best I can to stick around and publicize the survey (I agree with you that not much has changed) however I find the majority of the comments from the survey totally shocking. I would like to also somehow? get the word out about the importance of trauma and ethics in the workplace which I experienced and being very very careful about trusting what pharmaceutical companies say including about medical devices as well as their data by so called “experts”. Only in the US and New Zealand is there direct to consumer marketing of all types of drugs on the TV by non other than pharmaceutical companies!! Take care

  • Old head I misspoke. At 66 I still have a PhD in Biopsychology and worked in that field teaching medical school for 10 years and then worked for pharmaceutical companies as a medical writer for 13 years. I realize now that most of what I taught or did was incorrect/false. I was deemed psychiatrically disabled 10 years ago and no longer work. I was the person whose comment in the survey was “Too painful to discuss”

  • The_Cat. Thanks so much for listing the sites to list complaints. I was someone who filled out the survey and as a professional feel terribly traumatized by several of my forced hospital experiences. Is there any assurance that if I list experiences at the well known psych hospital in CT regarding various forms of abuse that they won’t try to retaliate against me in some way?

  • Dear MIK

    Thank you. I wish I could find anything that calms me but after being hospitalized 6 times via police and ambulance I can’t sleep anymore. I have been taken fro tm my condo because I wasn’t caring for it or myself after being returned there after being hospitalized. I had been a successful PhD researcher who at 50 lost his 13 year job through no fault of his own and an intimate relationship left me with no warning who because of a very complicated situation I had to see several times a week though I didn’t want to have anything to do with her. and after trying to hold it together for 5 yrs broke down in my Psychiatrists office because I was frustrated that meds were not working. I was not violent just very scared. Next thing he leaves the room and says it’s done and an ambulance and police take me to the hospital. In hospital I was taunted by staff and patients. One patient followed me around for 2 weeks telling me about judgement day and saying he would stick pencils in my ear. Another patient said he was the devil and referenced trying to help me in the past but now he was going to kill me and throw me in a dumpster. These were not hallucinations though I was heavily drugged. I’ve been placed in a “retirement” home single room and outside my window is a dumpster which is emptied many times a day night with loud noises that remind me of what the person in hospital told me. I am afraid to leave my room. I can’t think clearly anymore. I panic whenever I see an ambulance or hear a police siren which is often since older residents are being taken to the hospital daily. I feel like I am living in hell or feel I must be being punished. What scares me most is that I have been unable to sleep and am having violent thoughts when in the past I was a gentle introverted person.

  • I feel the same way after 6 hospitalizations. Now I can’t sleep at all and people tell me I am just playing the victim role. I now suffer from intense anxiety and physical symptoms due to loss of appetite. I’m scared to death of hospitals and doctors and can’t function. I’m a 65 yo male who is now anorexic and don’t feel well and am afraid I’ll be hospitalized again?

  • Mik

    I am very sorry for your experience. I can identify with you. I too have suffered irreversible damage at the hands of psychiatrists my whole life. I too had a successful career but am now a basket case. Don’t trust anyone or anything. God help us. People tell me you can’t change the past and just need to move forward. Or pray and God will help you. I don’t feel I can do that anymore and now even blame myself.

  • Yes I identify with this article but at 65 yo and given the additional label as disabled I fell hook line and sinker into the trap. Labeled at an early age as schizophrenic when I was just reacting to living in a family where I was psychologically and physically abused by my father and bullied and beat up by next door neighbors and given every single drug available up to haldol which caused me as an adolescent to have muscle spasms at work. I went on to gather other labels and be treated with additional drugs throughout my life. Interspersed with this I somehow managed to obtain a PhD in Biopsychology and went on to hold responsible positions looking for the cure for being me. However I never really escaped the labels since I was never a truly happy person and sought out jobs and relationships that just replicated my victim state. Over time when I had subsequent problems coping I continued to turn toward medication and then ended up involuntarily hospitalized several times where I got more medication and was tormented by staff as well as patients. I became more and more disabled. Unfortunately I also developed physical problems and unrelenting insomnia. I don’t really feel any hope for recovery now. I do accept some responsibility for my actions but my early labeling and subsequent acceptance of and treatment has led me to where I am now. Lack of sleep and damage to my body by self abuse are too much to bear. It was not until I began reading MIA that I had any real perception of what was going on.

  • Thank you Catnight. My story is more involved than I wrote but kept it short. I have tried many of your suggestions over the course of 8 yrs as well as untold friends and family that have tried to help. I am exhausted physically, mentally and spiritually and once a professional very responsible active person am literally afraid of my own shadow and have been unable to work or concentrate. I have acted in very irresponsible ways and have not slept in yrs. I appreciate your caring and suggestions.

  • I’m leaving this comment in hopes that it may help someone in the future. I’ve lost most of my hope. At 14 yrs old I was diagnosed as schizophrenic even though I met none of the criteria. I was dosed with every available drug including Haldol which caused me to have neck spasms at work. I went on to drop out of college. I fought back and eventually went back to college but felt I would never have children or a family because of this diagnosis and others I received later in my life with more drugs and later traumatic hospitalizations. To this day I wonder if my young brain body may have been affected by that drug and subsequent drug treatment.

  • Svava

    Glad you made it. I was not so lucky. My story began like yours but back 50 yrs when I was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and dosed with everything under the sun including Haldol which gave me seizures at work. I was just a very very sensitive boy in a very dysfunctional family where I was labeled the sick one. I ended up dropping out of college with a nervous breakdown. I struggled back without meds and eventually accomplished many things but took on the victim role replicating my family for the rest of my life and always went back to meds thinking that there was always something broken in me when I ran into trouble. I’m now a 65 yo disabled professional who has lost everything. I hope others learn from our stories.

  • Dr Shipko.

    As a former psychopharmacologist Who is now on disability perhaps from withdrawal of long term psych med use. I am wondering if you have any insight into why some people have little or no trouble withdrawing from SSRIs and or Benzos even after yrs of use in a short time with no ill after effects. I know several and there is scientific literature that documents this and for others it is such a devastating experience. How can we explain the differences?

  • I feel it is too late for me. I was a 65 yo professional male who is now on disability. I was mislabeled as a schizophrenic when a young person from a family that physically emotionally and sexually abused me and then treated me as the sick one. I was heavily drugged as a young boy to treat my illness and believed I was irreparably damaged. I ended up fighting back from serious depression and anxiety several times in my life usually from issues associated with relationship breakups or sexual issues given many drugs and allowed myself to become the victim in many many situation including at the hands of a psychiatrist who was my boss. I’ve now been hospitalized 6 times all with police involved. I am an extremely introverted sensitive person and was extremely frightened by being in a psych ward. The first time against my will where I was not a danger to myself or others but raised my voice out of frustration that the many drugs I had tried did not help my depression. The others for being suicidal or because I was not functioning. In the hospital I was taunted by staff and patients and heavily drugged. Taunted Especially by staff who seemed to bring up my professional background. Patients who followed me around 24/7 told me this was a safe place but could stick a pencil in my ear and many other stories that upset me too much to tell. I was told by a psychiatrist recently there was nothing wrong with me and just needed to have an epiphany and later asked by the same pdoc what drugs I thought I should be on because ironically I have a PhD in biological Psychiatry and insisted I get treatment because I had been hospitalized. Another Psychiatrist told me I just needed to get a part time job and not be angry. I have lost everything I worked my whole life for. I have managed to work for the majority of my life despite many “breakdowns” It is only recently reading the many pieces on MIA that I realize I was fed psychological and psychiatric lies most of my life. When I tried to reject them or displayed my sense of agony I was ridiculed or rejected. I now trust no one and hide from the world afraid of my own shadow. Sorry I am not one of the success stories on MIA.

  • I’m sorry. I’m now 64 and have been going around and around the system all my life dealing with this. I was mislabeled or labeled at all at an early age and yet accomplished a lot at a tremendous effort. I have lost everything of meaning to me and trying all kinds of tapers and cold turkeys drug substitutes etc of psych drugs. The reason to taper or get off these drugs is to return to your life of love, family, friends, occupation, hobbies, joys. What if you have nothing to return to?

  • Sam

    Thank you again for your different perspective. Yes I guess I do feel punished and I now do see that in the amalgam of my life it did have many many good people and good times but nonetheless also had more and more consistent negative experiences with relationships/attachments that were double binds (think Sophie’s Choice or Dead Poets Society) and created a perfect storm as I got older and sought more and more help instead of fighting against certain “helpers” situations and standing up for myself. I have been told not to come back to groups because I was too negative even though I barely dragged myself to the group and sometimes was the only one there. I was also told by a therapist that I was a whiner. My long term psychiatrist (20 years) told me he couldn’t see me anymore because he had too many administrative duties but his website said he was taking new patients. When I was hospitalized he was my roommates psychiatrist and he ignored me. I was by nature an extremely sensitive caring introverted inquisitive intelligent male who never did drugs or got in trouble but even in elementary school was told I asked too many questions so I stopped for a long time and was told by my sister that she wished she had a sister and who lived across the street from bullies and at times was afraid to go outside. I was also bullied in elementary school. My first real love seduced me on our first date. I did not really want that but I was a male how could I refuse? then went on to reject me when she found out from someone else that I was a “depressive” based on some test I took. She went on to date and marry someone I knew and because it was in school I saw them together all the time. So I buried myself in work. I actually saw her on a TED talk talking about how to turn adversity into opportunity. None of the negative seemed to matter when things were going what I thought were well. As I think I realize there are many many more broken and unresolved attachments that I have tried to surpress that just accumulated and must have affected me. I feel beaten up now even by myself and am now exhausted and just want to rest but can’t. Thank you for the dog link and caring in spite of your situation. I had a younger woman friend who struggled a lot because of abusive parents and spent much of her youth in an institution turned out to be d.i.d and has an assistance dog. She has a loving partner friends a job as a therapist and caring children. These all mitigate against the negative. I do have a cat but ignore and now push away her acts of love. She use to purr all the time but now she lies in the corner and sighs. I wouldn’t be able to take care of a dog emotionally, physically or now financially. Goodbye for now.

  • Thanks for your perspective. I’ve never really heard it before. At 65 I don’t really know where / how to turn to help myself. I’m not a kid anymore. I’m basically in servere survival mode on many fronts now in a very deep hole where I have been many times before and I barely “muscled” my way through. Society does not look kindly on a frightened dependent male especially one who at times was very very functional productive and helpful to others and then does a 360 and seems to turn into an angry helpless self destructive dependent child hiding from responsibility and reality. Many many others (I know a few) grow up with far worse abuse and/or loss disability during their life than myself and go on to be mature productive responsible loving adults to themselves and others.

  • Sam

    I understand. But I can’t help but blame myself since I now realize I was aware that I was doing things I knew were wrong. Your wife is very very lucky to have you and The fact that you did not leave so I can also understand the extreme difficulty of your situation. I had a woman friend who was always there for me like that who did help me through tough times in the past over many years when I was suffering but She has MS never complains and is not well and though I helped her at times I became more and more frantic and needy as my life fell apart. Even with her disability she would try all kinds of things to help me. She has always been extremely positive even as she has lost more and more function. It literally breaks my heart that I can’t be there for her or be doing research to help her. She won’t let me come to see her anymore because I scare her too much. I had an extreme panic attack the last time I was there and thought I would die in 30 mins and she rushed me to the ER where I calmed down all of a sudden with a shot of Valium but I think over the years it took its toll on her. No matter what she did she could not comfort me and I think it caused her too much pain to see the transformation in me. I have also called her at all hours in desperation because I also thought I was dying or couldn’t do simple things in my house or find something etc. She and I seldom talk now because I am so distressed and desperate and don’t want to upset her. I also feel ashamed that that despite her declining health she has told me she loves life helps others and always has hope when I don’t. I did the same to a male friend who I had helped in the past who was a kind and gentle soul who is a Quaker and his now wife who actually had me live with them for awhile as she moved in with him and witnessed their loving relationship (the complete opposite of any relationship I ever had) and I did nothing as they shuttled me from one psychiatrist therapist to another and they lived an extremely active and productive life while I stayed in their home pretended to read self help books and he believed in Eclhardt Tolle and calmly espoused his teachings and had me watch his videos over and over again which only made me feel more and more guilty that I was letting my ego and pain body was destroying me. The final $325 an hr psychiatrist told me I was an angry person didn’t need drugs and that I needed to find a job and move back to my home. After working my whole life as a professional I have not worked for many yrs now and am on disability. Which brings me more shame. Another told me It was not healthy to be in earshot of them having sex. Even after moving back home this friend kept calling but it seemed the more he and others wanted to help the more resentful and angry I became as he told me all the positive things in his life and how well he has been coping with difficulties. And that I should just keep trying different things. There is a lot more and the bottom line is that we all need people but I am now afraid and jealous of people and just hide. Again I realize the torment you must go through and yet you have not abandoned your wife or your life.

  • Sam

    As I read your posts about your wife I wonder if d.i.d is possible in males. In my life I have had many diagnoses including schizophrenic, depression, manic depressive, OCD, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, being co-dependent, considered extremely self absorbed. At times fiercely independent and at other times feeling helpless to the point of rocking and trying to sooth myself and feeling unbelievably frantic and panicked when stressed and alone, extremely self critical, and judgemental. Having extreme patience and empathy and then at other times feeling and acting sadistic and rageful. I am unable to sustain healthy female intimate relationships. I gravitate toward abusive or cold detached women for intimate relationships.

  • Yes. I had a patient tell me we were supposed to be safe here and then say but if I wanted to I could stick a pencil in your ear. Constantly follow me around day and night talking about judgement day. A woman gave me a pornographic picture. Rooms were searched routinely. Activities included painting bird houses and watching videos about the benefits of ECT. I now live in constant fear of any doctors and police or paramedics.

  • Samruck2

    So how does one like me who has no one left and has been forcefully been put into psych hospitals deal with constant suicidal thoughts? I just can’t go back there again. I’m not asking for a reply. It is just a question of desperation for those of us who did not avoid the system. I remember myself in the good times when I traveled, sailed, taught, had hopes and dreams of someday meeting a mate and look at those around me who are free to come and go as they please even just going to the beach when I literally live in terror 24/7.

  • Sam

    You sound like an amazing person who has found the most unique perspective and way of looking at things I have ever read. I wish I had met you many years ago. I who am a PHD biopsychologist know and believe what I have read in so many books and articles which change from day to day many of which I now believe are very blaming and critical and contribute to the voices which I believe you have said are just repetition of what we are told. It seems you have learned from lived experience that can’t be taught in books.

  • Sam

    Thank you for your response. I can’t really blame the people or even very good non psychiatrists therapists who tried to help me. They were extremely persistent and tolerant over periods of years and a few put up with behavior that was just not acceptable for anyone to endure. I have a cat but feel no love for it and feel it is more a burden. She is a wonderful loving animal. I am now remembering things my father said to me when I was young such as “You will never know what love is”. I seem to have many of his statements engrained in me. I am glad you have found peace and some healing. I realize I bought into and believed many lies but as an male adult of 65 now and always am also responsible for avoiding the responsibilities that all humans need to address that I did not. Besides some very abusive people in my life I realize I also had many many caring people too. I was an extremely avid dancer but gave it up when I could not avoid seeing my ex at dances. After a while you can’t keep blaming others and need to grow up and learn what it means to care for yourself and your and others needs. I realize I kept turning to what were magic pills to substitute for a balanced disciplined life.

  • Steve

    Thank you for your suggestions. BTW I am a male. Back when I tried Orthomolecular psych I learned TM. It was never very helpful then or now. I have been in many many support groups though they have mainly been based on a biological model. NAMI, DBSA, etc. Though at one time I was also in Emotions Annonymous. The bottom line is that These did help somewhat I always returned to my destructive way of thinking of relating to myself relationships and the world. I have had many many kind and supportive friends who believed in me but I just could not seem to believe in myself. As they matured and saw I did not accept their love and caring they moved on with their own lives as I remained in crisis. Thank you for your suggestions.

  • Amnesia

    Thank you. I’m sorry to hear of your experience. I too have now been struggling with Benzos. I took them Klonopin for over 20 yrs never abusing them and feeling like they were my lifeline. I tried various methods including a residential one where they called me an addict was with hard core addicts and took me off quickly and I freaked out I also tried to discontinue including a very very slow taper per Ashton with a doctor but have not been able to stop them for more than 2 weeks. I ran into a pdoc who told me in his experience there are some who need to be on them for life. The dose I always took is now ineffective and just makes me feel tired for about 1 hour. Yet I am terrified of discontinuing and try to take less as absolutely needed. Yes I have tried EFT and variations of it several times when I was doing better. My experience with Orthomolecular back then was with very hi doses of vitamins. I also have had an extensive homeopathic work up and treatment. Currently my diet is very poor as I am living in a retirement home because I had my own home but was unable to take care of myself and the home and the food they serve at the retirement home is barely edible yet costs 1000’s of dollars and I don’t eat much since the other residents scare me since many have serious behavioral and physical problems and are at least 20 yrs older than I am and many are more functional than I. I also now have extreme agoraphobia and although I have a car I don’t drive. I never lost hope in the past but I am now. My life was my work but I no longer work and am on SS disability which itself I find makes me ashamed. Enough. Good luck to you.

  • Hi Steve

    Mine is a long story. In short?
    As an adolescent I was diagnosed as pseudoneurotic schizophrenic. Which was none sense I see now though it turned me into a neurotic victim. I was just a very sensitive kid who had a complicated disturbed family situation was bullied by neighbors and where I was labeled the sick one and was given every drug in the book at that time including all the antidepressants and mellaril navane culminating in haldol. When that didn’t work I went to an Orthomolecular Psychiatrist who also considered me schizophrenic and put me on massive doses of vitamins which did not work. As I got older I had symptom free periods without meds where I accomplished much I became a workaholic and some happy times but When things got very stressful especially in relationships I would freak out and at those times believe something was wrong with me. In the past I have tried CBT DBT IOP rational emotive therapy biofeedback many if not all the newer meds. I have been hospitalized several times and given lots of meds and was literally tortured by other patients. I’m exhausted and have become paranoid. I have to accept some responsibility for where I am based on bad decisions too and acting like a helpless victim and pushing away all my wonderful friends out of shame who tried incessantly to help me and rescue me but in the back of my mind I guess I never could shake my early experiences. I am scared to death now of anything having to do with Psychiatry or Psychology police or ambulances. I don’t feel like I have much hope.

  • What happened to you? He seems very coherent on the video. Remarried and got his career back. When I was in the hospital I was scared to death and they kept pushing it on me and showed me the video but I refused. I also met a person who had it and she said it saved her life. She is happily married and employed. To this day I keep thinking I should have had it. I’m not sure I could be worse than I am. God help me.

  • I’m so scared now. I am 64. When I first was involuntarily committed for feeling out of control they wanted to do ECT I would not let them. Since then others have tried to convince me. They showed me the video. But I still said no. I continued to go downhill. I wonder if I should have had it. God help us. Neuland seemed to recover completely. Remarried and got his career back and was very lucid on the video.

  • All I can say is YES. When I was growing up there was nothing like road rage or suicide bombers etc. I also want to point out that we are a nation that is highly highly reliant on prescription drugs. All these drugs have side effects. We are finding only after the fact that these drugs have many many side effects. Especially psych drugs.

  • Lauren

    We have a lot in common though I am a 64 yo male. First I want to say how upset I am for what happened to you. I think a lot is the result of the present political climate and the effect it is having on people similar to what the cat is saying about flying. I feel the world is spinning out of control. I also think some of it is from the unknown but now becoming clear of the side effects of meds including psych meds. I find it absurd that Abilify which is the 2nd top grossing med in the US and is an antipsychotic. Also the US and New Zealand are the only 2 countries that allow direct to consumer marketing of meds esp on TV. Second I too am from the privileged class and also a long term user of psych services. Even longer than you. I have always believed in the biomedical model and in fact have a PhD in physiological psychology. I too feel I have been helped by meds and also have a traumatic history and believed in a genetic basis for mental problems. I have been hospitalized in CT at the IOL 5 times following a 13 yr high level job in business where I flew extensively. I have been in psych treatment though on and off most of my life and have always struggled. I never broke any laws and never abused any drugs and was a model citizen. Now I live in constant fear and won’t fly or even drive. I am afraid of police. I have begun to question the biomedical model that I clung to based on some of what I have researched. I believe Kirsch’s work about placebos and Whitaker’s work have some credibility though I think Breggin’s work is way extreme and off base. I consider myself an unbiased scientist who has spent his whole life doing research. Even Whitaker does not claim he is absolutely correct and is open to debating his views and research. I did extensive work for the dept of mental health in Ct. and one extensive study I worked on showed that the most important predictor of how people with emotional problems do after looking at drugs and support and a whole bunch of other variables is support systems. My feeling now is that lifestyle and trauma and how one reacts to that trauma either becoming stronger, a victim or a perpetrator based on inherited temperament and learned and chosen behaviors as well as level of self esteem and degree of faith in something beyond yourself and taking personal responsibility for ones actions no matter what determines the outcome. For all situations no matter how horrendous I think we have 3 choices. We can either change the situation or ourselves, leave the situation if we can or radically accept the situation. I have seen people who were in horrendous relationships stick with them and after yrs the other person changed and the relationship worked. It is simply not black and white as people on this post propose it to be. There are people who have grown up under the most oppressive traumatic conditions and have gone on to achieve amazing things. For example Bruno Mars and then others from very privileged backgrounds and great educations and wealth who have grown up to be failures or tyrants or worse. This website tends to paint everything negative based on the people’s experiences which I am not negating at all but that is what this website attracts and it is not the whole world and it is not simple. I feel for myself I have to take responsibility for the fact that I am in the situation I am in. I was not treated badly by the staff or police at the IOL though I was extremely traumatized by the situation and other patients. I got involved in psychiatry and psychology at a very early age and for a long time did ok without drugs or therapy. But when I got into trouble felt they or others would rescue me and for the most part they were good people but I just didn’t listen thought I knew better and didn’t do the difficult things they wanted me to do. Best of luck to you.

  • Hello

    Unfortunately it is too late for me. Even though am now only 64 and I am finally putting the story together or realized the truth that has followed me my whole life. Let this long comment be my legacy as it may relate to your post. As a teenager I was considered the sick one in the family and eventually labeled as a psudoneurotic schizophrenic by a psychiatrist. I was just a scared kid trying to grow up who felt something was wrong with me and my mother just responded to help me. Once the diagnosis I felt like a broken person who would never have. Children because I didn’t want to pass this on to them. I was given every drug on the market back in the 50’s culminating in haldol which gave me horrendous neck spasms. My father was a good provider who emotionally abused me constantly and was extremely unpredictable. At times being kind and giving me cars etc and at times screaming at me for no apparent reason. I never knew how he would act or how I should react. I was also constantly bullied by neighbors across the street and at times was afraid to leave the house. My sister and I shared a room as teenagers she was 5 yrs older and she would undress in front of me as I pretended to sleep and I would get sexually aroused. Occasionally I would dress in her undergarments. The Psychiatrist heard about this from me and immediately we got separate rooms and I became extremely guilty of my sexual feelings especially after I found pornographic material in my father’s drawer and the psychiatrist confronted him about it. None of the other issues involved any discussions with the family or my sister. I became both the victim of my father as well as his “fixer” and my mother and I became each other’s protectors and whenever I had problems I was the sick one. And I secretly resented my sister. My sister stood up to my father but I didn’t. Meanwhile I secretly masturbated compulsively as a way to deal with stress. I never dated in high school but would imagine all the girls I liked and masturbated thinking about them. My father never really talked to me about sex or intimacy once saying only “you will never really know what love means” Eventually my father did see a therapist after my mother said to him. See what you are doing to your son. I eventually went to college and saw the psychiatrist during the summers. It was during one of these summers that he finally prescribed haldol. I got off it after having neck spasms. I was an excellent student but realize now I was a workaholic feeling superior to others but was also depressed. Many woman were interested in me and oddly seemed to want to specifically get sexually involved but I did not respond. I finally got close to a woman in my junior year who I liked but as we got closer and sexual I began feeling very anxious and stopped communicating. She got very upset about this and I got more and more upset and this time I was taken to an Orthomolecular psychiatrist who also diagnosed me as schizophrenic and prescibed first psych meds and then massive doses of vitamins over the summer. However going back to school my senior year I became more and more upset about the relationship that I had a nervous breakdown and dropped out of school. This was devastating to me and my father stopped talking to me as I came home in an extremely depressed and anxious state. All my peers and friends went on to graduate as I sat at home at times hiding in the basement out of shame when people came to visit. After several months my mother told me I could not sit around doing nothing and I got various menial jobs. Eventually I went back to another college and despite many challenges finally graduated going into therapy RET but no drugs. I also got involved with another woman and was sexual in a satisfying way but was not really intimate. I eventually decided that I wanted to attend graduate school in psychology out of state but never discussed it with her. She came to visit me in graduate school only to tell me that our relationship was over and refused to talk to me about it and in fact we never talked again despite many phone calls to talk with her.
    I never saw her again.

    Right after that relationship ended I became obsessed with another woman. On our first date I was ready to leave but she seduced me with oral sex but stopped me from reciprocating. I was smitten by her but later she told me she didn’t want to see me anymore because she had seen the results of my MMPI that a friend showed her that we were doing in an assessment class and she said I was a depressive. I was crushed as she began dating a classmate and I saw them together all the time. They eventually got married senior year. Once when I saw her she said she was jealous of me because I could just turn my feelings off so easily because I ignored her. I really was confused by this comment. I poured myself into work and used what I learned in RET to get me through. There were a few women interested in me but I didn’t respond well even though they were very nice caring women. One wrote me a long letter telling me she wished I was happy but she wasn’t not able to make me happy and that was why the relationship failed. I was a model grad student and did eventually get a PHD. At the age of 55 my father began to change and we began relating better but he died suddenly at the age of 60 from a heart attack after confiding in me that he had to find some way out of a job he hated. I still feel guilty not talking to him more about it

    To end a long post. I was successful in many ways and in many areas but seemed to sabotage myself each time and now realize I always made myself the victim. When in fact I often made bad choices or didn’t follow thru mostly based on fear. Following yet the loss of my longest relationship 4 yrs and the loss of a Workaholic job I slowly broke down again as I started having obsessive fashbacks to previous events in my life but this time was hospitalized several times for psychotic and delusional behavior including suicide attempts after my first hospitalization. In the hospital I had hallucinations which I swear were real but could not have been. Despite the best efforts of my family and many friends and good therapists I have become severely dysfunctional and pushed away all their help or sabotaged their efforts. Interestingly my sister is a happy successful very functional social worker who has had many serious issues but dealt with them with a family who after trying to help me many times and me lying to her has stopped communicating with me saying I have become severely self absorbed and I am not helpless and need to grow up. I was unable to go to my best friend’s or my mother’s funeral because of fear/anxiety. Many others including many of my friends have battled the same issues or much much worse divorce serious disease job loss child loss etc as they faced them as adults and have not given up I have not done so and that adds to my guilt fear.

    Mad’ Psychologist Speaks Out
    Helen Williams By Helen Williams June 10, 2017462818
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    I am driving to my work as a clinical psychologist, doing battle with the abuse-related voices in my head…

    I can hear a voice which goes something like this:

    “You are useless.”

    “You are worthless.”

    “You deserve to die.”

    “Kill yourself.”

    When I arrive at work, I attend a meeting during which a patient who is hearing similar voices, which also relate to the abuse she suffered as a child, is told that she is suffering from ‘schizophrenia.’ The psychiatrist informs her that she must take antipsychotic medication for life, that she has “no hope of anything amounting to a normal life,” that she “will never work,” “will never improve or recover” and must no longer drive her car. There is talk of writing to the licensing authority, with a view to having her license removed, so that she will no longer be permitted to drive.

    The patient protests that she needs the car to take her children to school. What is she going to do, she asks — how is she going to be able to cope without her car? I try to speak up in support of her. The voices she hears relate to the abuse she suffered as a child, I explain. There are ways we could help her to understand the meaning of the voices and manage the voice hearing from a psychological perspective paranoid anxious and self destructive. I am addicted to klonopin as well. I am done.