Saturday, September 18, 2021

Comments by guydepierre

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  • My doctor, a highly regarded doctor in a highly regarded medical group, put me on 1 mg of Klonapin for sleep when I moved to Denver. Then I read it could be addictive so I said to him I didn’t want to get addicted and he answered: “You already are”. He also told me I read too much. Soon after when I questioned him on another med he was pushing he just fired me and sent me packing with no doctor at all. When you are on medicare finding a good doctor is not easy. Life was hell and getting increasingly more hellish. I started waking up screaming, calling people and reaming them for whatever I could think of. Sometimes, and I still do, I would be driving around in my convertible screaming “I want to die” or screaming “I hate you God”. or just being plain rude or nasty to people. Sometimes I would be doing it in stores. I am pretty well considered crazy in my condo building and neighborhood. Any little thing, like dropping a pen, could set off an entire hour or more of raging. Every morning the first words that ooze from my half sleep awakening are “I want God to kill me!!” EVERY MORNING. I have lots of self anger and PTSD from intense childhood sexual abuse and lots of guilt from an auto accident where someone died, though I was not at fault. Over the last 7 years I have gotten to the point where I have no more friends. NONE because of my insane and volatile behavior which makes what I am going through all the worse. I try to quit and have gotten down to .25 mg but at night what starts happening in my brain requires another dose or a bullet to the brain. I frequently smash my head into walls in hopes of stopping what is happening. Quite often I think just finishing the bottle I have, as it is my last, is the best idea. My latest doctor said she was not going to prescribe any more unless I went to a psychiatrist she picked for psychotropic meds. I said no and that I was just going to tough it out and quit. She said nothing of the danger of doing that. She is well respected in the medical community here but not advising me on cold turkey dangers or how to taper was irresponsible. Now I read that the full healing can take years. I am 71 and years at my age are more precious than gold. I don’t have ‘years’ to hang out getting better. When she prescribed them for me I had to sign a form of proper behavior in her office if on the sh!t. Obviously this document showed her knowledge of the dangers and covered her office but clearly what I did at home did not concern her but the form proved she knew full well the dangerous potential that myself and those around me were facing. Yet she and too many others still prescribe the stuff. I am awed. So awed that I wonder if they are partners in detox centers.
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