Sunday, November 29, 2020

Comments by adikanda

Showing 5 of 5 comments.

  • Thank you so much for this sharing Annette.. you offer such a clear and moving picture. This phrase “Eric was a very happy child, full of light, and I think my father couldn’t stand it – he was a ‘dark’ man, who would spill over with anger at the slightest thing” is very potent to me.. I have seen this play out in both my own family and my ex-husband’s. I think of it as an expression of the wounded masculine.

    In my work as a healer I see this dynamic play out in what I think of as karmic patterning, where the vulnerable one, the “beautiful” one as you describe your brother, seems to energetically call aggression to them, as if they are the one to digest so much of the imbalance all around. I only wish my son would be receptive to something like Open Dialogue – I think it could be a powerful support. Unfortunately due to the anosognosia he stubbornly resists any and all treatment.

    Thank you again for your kind words.

  • Stephen my son’s childhood was very loving and peaceful. It was during his adolescence that many expressions of the wounded masculine came into his life, and a big part of this was the breakdown of his relationship with his father and the end of our marriage. As a high sensitive, he was a sheep amongst wolves. He had a group of friends, all lovely souls and yet each one struggling, vulnerable in different ways. When there was an altercation, he was the one who went back to help, and would end up getting caught and taking the blame. During that time there were several traumas, including being attacked by a gang on a subway platform and being beaten and tortured by the police when he was fifteen. He then fell into a relationship with another wounded bird, a young woman with addiction issues and that affected him as well. But he had actually walked away from all of it and was healing, fasting, juicing, training in martial arts, studying holistic healing and consciousness voraciously (he is a powerful healer) and was engaged in a deep meditation practice when he had a Kundalini experience which triggered his first episode of paranoia and then intense psychosis.

  • Thank you Michael. Your description of individuals experiencing psychosis being calmed and healed, simply through loving communication is very moving to me. I’m afraid this has not been my experience.

    I am a mother of a son with a schizophrenia diagnosis who has been hospitalized seven times. During the most acute phases of his illness I also believe he experienced a very dark, energetic attachment. He is, in his true nature, a very powerful healer himself… a very light and beautiful soul, and in a way I believe this increased his vulnerability.

    He had an uncle with the same diagnosis, and has a bipolar cousin. When I first married his father, their family doctors – who were European, holistic homeopaths) came to me privately and said you realize that if you have sons, they will be at high risk for mental health issues as the strongest genetic path is from uncle to nephew. And so it was with my eldest son.

    I congratulate you on your courageous work and I concur that the current psychiatric model of mental health care is profoundly askew and dangerous. Where I struggle with your comments is your suggestion that all a child needs is one parent who thinks they are the apple of their eye. I’m sure you realize how loaded such a statement seems to a parent who has lived through hell in an attempt to find a way to love their child enough to help them through unimaginable torment.

    Not only was my son the apple of my eye, a truly adored child, but he was raised in a deeply loving, close and caring family for his early years. It was in his adolescence that the emotional trauma of his grandfather caught up with him… a grandfather who was abusive to his father who then became unconsciously verbally abusive to my son. (Of course one can assume we could go back and back to great-grandfather and beyond.) In my “apple of my eye” state of loving my son absolutely I felt completely powerless in this dynamic. It ended my marriage, but even this, of course, did not resolve the pain.

    I myself am a healer who has worked with thousands of clients over a twenty year career, and I take a larger, karmic view of all human suffering. “Karmic” without the simplistic and mistaken reward and punishment implication, but rather karma as a way of seeing that we are all interconnected in our suffering and therefore our healing. I believe for example, that on a soul level I chose my birth mother who was a highly fearful and critical parent, because she offered me the contrast which impelled me toward the awakening of my own self love. I was far from being the apple of her eye, but I did not develop mental health issues. I became a prolific writer and healer instead. And I was blessed to have my father’s unconditional love, and a grandmother living in our home who provided the nurturing presence my mother lacked, so I’m sure this helped.

    But when you say that all that is needed is one parent who loves unconditionally, and a parent like myself reads this, do you realize how hurtful and unhelpful this assessment is? I have given up most of a decade of my life doing everything in my power to help my son. His care has left me financially bankrupt, physically and emotionally ill and exhausted, and denied me full relationships with my other children, with a partner, with my work and my own dreams.

    Part of the grave challenge in my son’s case is the condition they call anosognosia.. his lack of insight into his situation. At no time has my son ever been able to see that he is ill, troubled or needs healing and treatment. His view is that the problem lives outside of him.. in entities, lion beings and gods, insects, the police, the government, his father, me, an innocent teenager walking past him on the street whom he chooses to verbally attack, whomever he chooses to project upon in the moment. It is all everyone else’s fault, and never his own choice. Do you have any idea of the depth of challenge this situation creates for a loving parent? And then to read someone as knowledgeable as yourself, suggesting that if only I loved him a bit more, if only I were there for him he would heal… I can only say it is the greatest of ironies that not only do I encounter no support or understanding from the medical community, from my extended family, from my friends and neighbours, but also someone like yourself seems ready to blame me too.

    Your descriptions of the light around a loving caregiver who simply has to put an arm around the shoulder of an individual and hold them while they cry.. do you have any idea how often I have wished I had such an opportunity? My son almost never cries, in fact, this young man who was once the kindest, most compassionate and beautiful soul I knew, now seems to have a heart of ice. He almost never cries or expresses, and fiercely resists any of my attempts to encourage him to speak of his trauma. I have been here for him for years, but much of that time he has spent being abusive to me, breaking things, destroying my work and my business and getting us evicted from our home. And yet, believe it or not, still he remains the apple of my eye.

    Rather than leap to such a superficial assessment, what if you were to consider the karmic dynamic of these families. For example, in my son’s family, there is no point in looking at his situation without looking at how his father became abusive of him in his teens, and there is no point in looking at his father without looking at his father’s father. What happened to him to shut him down? To corner him so deeply that he projected his rage at his son? And all the fathers and fathers before him?

    Personally I cannot agree that the “toxic social, economic and stratified matrix of the alienating and unjust social Darwinism surrounding us all” is a sufficient description of the problem. I think we need to take a much wider view which recognizes that we are spiritual beings, and our dualistic universe is exactly how we learn to expand into consciousness. But that is a larger question for another day.

    What I would like to ask is, what guidance do you have for a parent whose own life has been stolen away? You could go home at the end of your workday. What about those of us who cannot, who live out our lives without any tangible support because there is no understanding of what we are dealing with, every moment of every day? Do you know that one neuroscientist/Ayurvedic doctor told us that in India, people like my son are taken to a temple and chained to the pillars on the temple grounds. They are fed and cared for by the temple priests.. left there for the rest of their lives because the families cannot cope anymore. That one, very ill person, would destroy an entire family, and so for the greater good of all, they were sacrificed, given to the gods.

    At one point I formed an online support group. I noticed that in the Facebook group Shades of Awakening, there were a number of mothers of sons, similar in age and situation to my own. We didn’t last long. Most of the women were too exhausted, too heartbroken, too financially destroyed, too guilt-ridden to be able to do anything for themselves, including show up for support meetings. I got to know some of them a little and what struck me that each one of them had what I call a “care-taking” pattern… meaning each of them would give away their own lives, their own needs, to save a loved one. Most of them were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, living in misery, their marriages broken, their personal happiness no longer even a remote possibility, watching as their other children ended up with eating disorders and depression as a result of the sibling with extreme states. When I asked one mother if there was anything she could do to help herself, take a break, get some rest, she said all she could think of was keeping her son out of an orange jumpsuit. That if she was not constantly vigilant, that would be where he would end up. I suspect she was correct, for this is exactly what happens in the West when families are overwhelmed, and let go.

    I continue to look for writings, teachings, insight of any kind into my situation, that does not come with blame or superficial assumptions about what I should do. I have stopped telling people, or even asking for their thoughts, as there is no one, other than someone who has lived this experience, that really understands. To them the stigma of the the horrific loss of my son’s true nature, his innocence and his light, has to be my fault in some way. And what you have written here does not help that terrible alienation we families live with every day. With your words you are perpetuating the suffering of parents like me. In fact, I would go so far as to say that my lonely, fierce love for my son may in fact be a part of the problem. I have become so entwined with his life, with his care, that it is not a healthy dynamic. He needs masculine acceptance and love.. and a community willing to hold him so that I can have a life too. He needs friends, a job, a partner. All the usual things that he probably will never have.

    I posted your article on my Facebook timeline because I agree thoroughly about your description of the mental health care system. But may I suggest that you tread a bit more lightly in your readiness to suggest that the kind of tragedy that my son and I live every day, could simply be cured if I loved him a little more.

    What would be profoundly helpful would be if you would write about the question of anosognosia. I am familiar with the work of Dr. Xavier Amador, but it doesn’t go far enough for me. Again, the suggestion is that as a family member our role is simply to accept everything our loved one says or does. To earn their trust. He does not address how to handle this when the loved one is frequently aggressive, abusive or toxic in their behaviour. For example when my son escalates, his energy field is so big he makes my dogs vomit spontaneously. Am I asked to passively accept the terrible things he says to me, day after day, year after year, in the hopes that one day he may trust me enough to consider engaging in some kind of treatment? I very much doubt it, or it would have happened by now. Dr. Amador doesn’t discuss this, because he too didn’t live with his affected loved one. He was not a mother giving up her life in the hopes of some kind of salvation for the apple of her eye.

    Ultimately I wish for an over-arching wisdom to come to all who suffer in this way. For the mental health care-givers to see that there is no one in this dynamic who does not deserve loving support. And that it is very easy to judge what you have not lived. There but for the grace of god, go all of us.