I saw some of my life in your story but my eventual decision to get off benzos forever or stay on them until I die will involve pure withdrawal hell. I have been taking Xanax and Klonopin for 6 years. At a very high dosage. In 2009 I went to an outpatient center that helped me reduce my addictive behaviors like buying 2mg Xanax bars from the “streets” ( friends and their parents) and reduce my Xanax intake from 4-8 mg a day to 0.5 a day. However I am now on 4mg of Klonopin and will go through withdrawals but I wonder if I have been withdrawing all this time- I ran out of meds on Sunday might and did not call the clinician until yesterday. I have been through 3 acute withdrawals which scared the hell out me. I have a severely autistic child and I always think I could never go through the withdrawal hell and be a functioning parent. And to dispel mythos about “addicts” I was a psychology mayor when I started taking benzos. I am graduating with my Masters in the fall and have a 4.0 GPA- I drive an SUV bake cookies and care for my three children all while looking “normal”.