Sera, I am so sorry that this happened to you and I am so glad you posted. I was a doula (professional birth and labor coach for those unfamiliar with the term) and I had MANY moms who had very similar problems. NOBODY wants to admit this to their doctor for fear of having their baby taken away. It’s an awful little secret. I would be on the receiving end of phone calls in the middle of the night from parents who didn’t know if they were no kidding going to hurt their babies. One woman couldn’t walk into the kitchen because there were knives there. Sometimes I would drive over to their house right then to check on them, but generally they’d be fine after some human contact. Not one of them ever actually hurt their baby. One or two of them decided to go on medication or to therapy, but most of the time, a cup of coffee, a hot shower and some sympathy were what was needed. They needed to hear, “Yes, sometimes people have scary thoughts when they’re stressed.” or, “Being terrified means you understand the situation.” The biggest pathology in our culture is this idea that we must never have uncomfortable emotions. The worst persistent myth around children and motherhood is that we feel good about our children all the time. My oldest’s first year was the worst year of my life–somewhere in there my midwife told me that if we both made it to her first birthday alive, then it was a major victory, no matter what else happened. She did and I did. She turned 18 in March and is thriving, even considering how much I screwed up as a parent.