Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Comments by Kelti

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  • Well, I am simply speechless. Let me tell U a true story, something I experienced personally, and I do mean personal. I am a moderator for a mental health website that provides posting style support systems for people with so called ‘mental illnesses’.
    One of the most popular forums are the bipolar forums. People come there not only to get support but to give it as well. How quaint..Sounds quite healthy, huh? I might add here that my Dx is: Bipolar I disorder, mixed episodes w/ severe Anxiety disorder. Huh? Well, OK, I believe that bc I have had such symptoms as these illnesses, symptoms used to define as such cases. No issue there. I have been ill most all my life bc of the symptoms I was so severely suffering from. The depressions that lasted for years at a time, the raw cruelty of those wretched feelings of being doomed to hell right here on mother earth. I thought I was just plain ‘ole insane… I could not cope with one single thing. Any stress laid me out in a long term bed ridden nightmare, with no hope of ever pulling out of it. I barely made it through school. That I truly believe was a gift from God. There seemed to be no other explanation anywhere.
    I might add here that I have always had a natural talent for English. I found out things in English classes that I already knew innately. Well, everything to be specific. I could read at an incredibly young age, seemingly with no teacher! It just came to me like it had always been there, hmmm. I could diagram sentences with no teaching of any kind. It just was another natural talent I seemed to be born with. I could write properly structured stories and amazed all my teachers at how ‘smart’ I was! Anything English I had it in the palm of my hand, naturally. I became a teacher’s helper in the classroom, helping children learn how to read when they were not reading at their age level. I was sent from classroom to classroom to help teachers with their students. I also did not like being put on a pedestal like that either for the whole school and community to admire. I felt somehow ‘chosen’ and student’s parents knew who I was. I at first had no idea of my reputation of being such a genius as I was labeled. Now, all other subjects in school I either failed or nearly failed. Teachers gave me passing grades in other subjects, bc after all I was such a genius. Huh? Moving right along here. My early 20’s were upon me. Time for college. Time to go to work. I could not hold down a job no matter how hard I tried. I became so mentally ill I just could not function in society, becoming totally unemployable bc I was so ill with depression. Getting out of bed every morning was impossible. I did not know what was wrong with me and had never heard of mental illness outside of the classroom, and had no clue there was even such a thing that existed in my family. I was incredibly unstable. I was living a life seemingly controlled by the devil himself. I felt possessed for the lack of a frame of reference to put it in any other words. Then in about 2004 in my 50’s I finally had THE meltdown ending up in the ER so ill it seemed to scare all the nurses and doctors there. That in turn made me feel quite insane, abnormal, hopeless, horrified at their responses to me. I did not know I was depressed. Had not a clue, and neither did the medical staff. There were many trips to the ER through out my adult hood. No one there ever found anything wrong with me and sent me home the next day after observation. No meds were ever Rx’d. Not one doctor or nurse ever caught on to what might be wrong with me, after all my labs were incredibly normal..Well, as the story goes in 2004 I became quite suicidal. That is when my first trip to their mental health hospital was ordered by the ER doctor. At the mental health hospital I never felt to cared for in my whole life. They gave me ‘pills’ that made me feel normal. I had a bout with antidepressants making me incredibly manic. My pdoc saw that right away, and it was quite obvious to everyone I was in a drug induced manic phase, Huh? what the heck was that? The pdoc there said I was bipolar bc of my reaction to the antidepressant I was given. Then the pdoc put me on lithium and I was discharged with the Dx of Bipolar. I had never heard of such a thing in my family so the research was on big time. I read everything I could get my hands on about ‘bipolar mental illness’. I felt I had somehow been lucky enough to ‘find myself’, despite my college education as a Social Worker… Huh? An explanation for my horrible feelings emotional, and explanation for my physical symptoms as well. Euricka! An answer to my problem. What a miracle indeed. Now I knew what was wrong with me. I became a walking encyclopedia of a new education into mental illness. I learned a LOT of things that were just left out of my college education… I felt down right ‘saved’. Informed, and quite useful as a moderator for bipolar, etc., posting sites. I went on SSDI at age 50…
    The website I moderate for is quite taken with my insight, education and personal experience with mental illness and my recovery. Recovery? What? Well, I have been on about 15 different ‘bipolar’ meds all which did nothing at all for me, made me even more depressed and now manic; and also physically ill, throwing up, so nauseous I was quite certain some day I would just check out of this world by taking my life.
    And I meant it too. And now at age 61, I am sure I would do that bc I do NOT have another bad sick crazy episode left in me. I have just decided I am too old to be that sick ever again and come out of it alive. Nor do I care to. AND NO, I am not suicidal presently bc 16 months ago while in that same mental health hospital the pdoc there put me on a low dose of….. here we go now…. Seroquel !!! I went from a suicidal ER patient to a well person literally over night with just one dose of this junk. There was a website member I became quite upset with. He claimed to be a disabled psychologist on disability for severe anxiety. OK. But, as a moderator I became quite concerned about this new member.. He had taken it upon himself to clue us all in on how poisonous and dangerous the psych meds were that we were all taking, especially Seroquel! Well, remember now, it was seroquel that made me normal for the first time in my life for any length of time. He went into detail about how ridiculously difficult and dangerous it was to get off this stuf. I was sure he had singled out seroquel bc of his awful personal experience he had getting off this so called miracle drug. This member was not relating to us as a layman, but instead was treating us all as if we were his patients, a no no on this site. I called him on it in forum and told him we all had disclaimers attached to the bottom of every single post. A Conditions and Terms Policy on this site. NO professionals treating members as patients, period. I told him there was a healthy handful of members who had some really impressive credentials after their names, but on here we are all equally laymen.. He hurled back at me admonishing me for letting the air out of his balloon. Awww…… So, I sent him a PM requesting he re arrange his posts to fit that of a layman. He went livid on me in PM and on forum and slandered the heck out of me, telling members I was a quack! Huh? He did not know I was a Social Worker, child welfare, for my state., nor on SSDI. Very few people knew that about me. I kept that kinda quiet and only shared that info with long time members and administration. So, this member in retaliation befriended another moderator by going to her Profile page, giving her hugs and well, sweet talking her, and, she bought right into the attention this man was lavishing on her. (I call that – coming in through the back door). He successfully had turned this moderator against me. The fight was on — on the forums and in PM’s. It went on for several weeks. I should have banned him from the very start when he refused to meet Terms and Conditions. But banning someone is so permanent… Silly me… Well, as that turned out, I banned this man quite irritated with his obnoxious attitude towards me … and… seroquel. Now here I am a few years later and the ‘bad’ reports on how hard it is to get off seroquel just keep landing in my lap. I have unsuccessfully tried to gradually cut back on this stuf to no avail. I take a low dose of 200 mgs daily, halved into 2 doses every 12 hours. Sounds sensible enough , huh? 200 mgs isnt such a big dose… what scares me about this drug is just what that banned member was saying about it! It is impossible to get off of it. Well, I have successfully been weaned off a jillion bipolar drugs looking for something that will work better with no withdrawal symptoms ever! Ever!. But this seroquel is quite another thing. The thought of being on this drug, not being able to get off it, and having to take it forever is just eating away at me. It just scares the willies out of me. I have always been quite thankful to the Lord for giving me access to a pdoc and meds. I was so sick for so many years, how could I not drop to my knees in Thanks to God for taking such good care of me.? Access to good psychiatric care is a nightmare in this state. It is nearly non existant, and forget finding a good therapist actually trained in your personal issues. They just dont seem to exist in this town. They all seem so generic to me. Heck, a person with a good solid understanding of the 12 steps of AA could do a better job helping people with their mental health issues… Now, as I said, here I am stuck on this miracle drug seroquel and very frightened of what this drug has in store for me down the road as I age even more. OMG! what a nightmarish thought that is…
    I go to see my poc on Monday Dec. 9 – this coming Monday! I’m not so sure what to tell her about getting this drug out of my system and possibly taking an alternative drug in its place.. My question is:: just what is a good alternative drug for seroquel?
    I have no idea. Do any of you?? I’m frightened! Please shine some light on this for me if any of you can. I will appreciate every suggestion and advice. Thank you for reading me. It is difficult for me to write any more also. I forget what I say and get things all out of sequence.. Sequence / Seroquel? Hmmm,, interesting word
    association there…
    Kelti, Oklahoma City…