Sunday, June 26, 2022

Comments by Mduckett2

Showing 4 of 4 comments.

  • Elana,

    Having lost my 23 year old son to suicide almost 12 years ago, I will say, it is a painful process to deal with it alone. If I had to do it over again, I would have immediately gone into to group therapy with other parents who have suffered a similar loss. I believe this would have helped to deal with things so much better.

    I realize there is nothing anyone can say to help you feel better. My son was everything to me. Although I will never laugh as hard, or feel as joyful, or seem to appreciate the fullness of life without my son, I have been able to discover a different existence. Not a better or worse one, just a different one.

    One of the things that helped me was to dwell on the wonderful 23 years I had with him instead of the future years without him.

    From one parent to another, feel whatever you choose to feel during this process. Time won’t heal your pain, but it does help in dealing with it much better.

  • Although I don’t know how you’re feeling (everyone’s experience is a little different) I know how I felt when I was in a very similar situation. I too decided to change my life by moving away and started a new family. This contributed to my son’s decision to take his life at 23. Of course, now I realize there are other factors involved as well.
    Guilt is part of the process of losing someone to suicide.
    I couldn’t breathe for many years, turned to alcohol and pot myself. Worked hard to stay alive (barely avoiding suicide myself a number of times due to the grief of losing my son).
    I won’t say “Time heals all….” because we never get over losing a child–especially to a suicide we can logically say are actions contributed to it. But, I can say we can create a perspective on all of life–including the loss.
    First, I decided to only allow myself to dwell on the wonderful times I had with my son. I would only allow myself to think about the great times we had together and what a great son he was for 23 years. I must admit, this helped a great deal but I continued drinking and smoking.
    Next, forgave myself. This was very difficult because of the enormous amount of guilt, love, and loss around the whole event. I realize, “When we knew better, we did better” was so true for all of us. We all make mistakes. It’s just part of Life’s journey. Unfortunately, some of our mistakes are really big, as in our case. Nonetheless, we made them, and everyone, including our sons, made mistakes as well. We all become geniuses in hindsight. We will make more mistakes along the way, just as everyone does, and will learn from them as well. Let’s pray they aren’t as big as we’ve made in the past.
    Finally, I allowed myself to adjust to a new adventure in life. The new adventure is “Life without my Son.” Since I loved my Son more than anything in life, this was difficult to do. I had to surrender to the fact, he was gone from this earthly plane, went to the next phase of life, and understood his mistakes like I’m did mine, and was able to forgive himself and would like me to do the same.
    After almost 12 years, and barely miss killing myself many times, I’m here. I stopped drinking and smoking. I started living life to the maximum every day. Although I may not ever be totally happy again, and may be a little off of life with my son in it, I am getting to a point of new happiness again.
    I would strongly urge you to get into group therapy with others who lost a child. I did not do this and could see (hindsight genius) that probably would have made my life so much easier on the road to where I am now.
    I send you love and spiritual support as you discover (whether you want to or not) your next adventure in life.

  • I remember all too well the acute freshness of the pain. Now, at the 10 year mark, I will tell you, you will get better. Never do we, as parents get over it, but we do learn to deal with it.

    There’s is nothing to say to someone in your situation. Just feel the love and embracement from all of us who traveled this travesty before you.

    I will tell you one thing I regret. I so wish I would have gotten into some sort of group therapy with parents who experienced the same thing as we have. I believe that would have helped immensely.

  • Maria, Although I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling, I do know you described many of the exact feelings I’ve had.

    Upon arriving home from the hospital with the birth of my fourth child (First with my second wife) we found our son had shot himself in his room. He was suffering from PTSD and depression.

    That was ten years ago. I’m not over it, but deal with it better.

    Michael was more than a son to me, he was my eldest child, my best friend, my teacher (he had a 165 IQ), my student, he was everything.

    Although I will never be able to reach the levels of joy, laughter, and maybe love, again this life time, I work to discover a new aspect of life without him.

    I feel as though I’m doing so well, keeping my mind focused on all the wonderful times we had together and dealing with life without him, and then, Bam! I come tumbling down.

    I’ve come to realize there isn’t anything that is going to help me this life time without him being in my life, but I will hang on as long as I can for my three younger son’s and wife’s sake. If it weren’t for my children still at home, I would have followed him. Not because I didn’t know better, and didn’t realize the pain to those left behind. Simply put, I pretty much died that day as well.

    I do use this as a tempering event for my life. I try to love and serve other people to the maximum of my ability. I’ve done this pretty much all my life, but now, I’m able to do it on a much larger scale because I don’t have anything to lose–only to give.

    I love the old saying someone shared with me as a child, “What happens to good people when bad things happen to them? They become better.”

    Much Love,
    Michael Sr.