Elana, Having lost my 23 year old son to suicide almost 12 years ago, I will say, it is a painful process to deal with it alone. If I had to do it over again, I would have immediately gone into to group therapy with other parents who have suffered a similar loss. I believe this would have helped to deal with things so much better. I realize there is nothing anyone can say to help you feel better. My son was everything to me. Although I will never laugh as hard, or feel as joyful, or seem to appreciate the fullness of life without my son, I have been able to discover a different existence. Not a better or worse one, just a different one. One of the things that helped me was to dwell on the wonderful 23 years I had with him instead of the future years without him. From one parent to another, feel whatever you choose to feel during this process. Time won’t heal your pain, but it does help in dealing with it much better.