Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Comments by Brian Keenan

Showing 5 of 5 comments.

  • Dorothy, thank you for your input.

    I have in fact undergone TMS for BIPOLAR depression.

    Even to someone with knowledge of electromagnetic induction, as in a wireless toothbrush charger for example, it sounds like hope. “Maybe it will shake up those ions and jump start those pathways” I thought, as if spraying electric potential all over the entire prefrontal lobe could possible be a good idea, especially since neurologists seem utterly stupid about information technology from the eyes of a hobbyist senior software engineer who also has a background in electronics and RF… But it was that or more depression, so I took the TMS and crossed my fingers.

    I went to Island Counseling Center in Worcester, MA. My psychiatrist was Dr. Anthony Tabacco who likes to type all sorts of things into his computer when I visit him for 15 min (or less if someone “in need” is waiting). He never even allowed me to talk for more than 5 minutes, and I always felt rushed.

    He never would have suggested TMS, had I not, and kept telling me that if it wasn’t working that I should stop because it was “expensive” ??

    It seemed odd is that it was not covered by insurance, $50 per visit times 25 or so visits is a lot out of pocket. It costs a fortune (why?) and they told me that if I think positive thoughts that it will work better. Oh, you mean like a placebo, exactly! the tech explained to me.

    I looked at the thin 117 VAC wire plugged into the wall, and realized the cost had nothing to do with the power consumption, so it must be a royalty charge which indicates fowl play in my opinion, not an intent to provide help to people who are in crisis with life threatening depression. You know?

    It didn’t work. It didn’t do anything. I didn’t notice anything change at all.

    It was nice to get out of my house and have something to do though. I would stop at fresh city everyday and get a sandwhitch and smoothie. That was happy for me. There was a wacky guy named Dean, who was the son of Dr Och who ran the program. He was very nice to me and I enjoyed talking to him while my brain was being saved with 2 electromagnets.

    My parents said that it helped, but this makes me sad, because it was eating at fresh city and talking to dean about his poetry that lifted me up. I guess it was easier for my parents to believe a lie. Very sad, i cry and allow them to believe that their baby is getting better.

    So, to recap, the brain is a 3 dimensional object. How can you possibly target in X, Y, Z space with only two poles? You can’t. I’m not sure if a neuron even works that way, I mean maybe… but even it you could induce currents, what could you possibly hope to accomplish without gathering feedback from the brain in order to coordinate the “healing” process? Or prevent injury! Even if you did get feedback, which would require enormous precision and physical probes deep into the brain, you would have to run it through a parallel farm of quantum computers to process the data.

    It just goes to show that if you’re mentally ill, you’re on your own.

    Psychiatry is a crime against humanity because it destroys hope by obsessing with alchemy and witchcraft over many years until the patient looses all hope and wants to die, but can’t say for certain if that is the correct choice, to kill herself, so she lives on in fear and delusion, mixing alcohol with lorazepam and loosing the support of family as a result of alcoholism. I speak of my friend Gail, who is dying from alcoholism as a result of her depression.

  • string theory is a system of 10 dimensions in space and one in time. Roger may have been become a little bored with the old x, y, z and zoned his focus more into the subtle changes observable in our reality that can only be described by influential changes in extra dimensional space uh… i think

  • Good article Dr Hickey, you’re existence empowers me. I define a mental illness to be a treatable phenomenon that is a determent to one’s ability to explore both intra- and extra- “self”

    Therefore, any “symptom” of “mental illness” is no symptom at all if can not be characterized as a detriment.

    Sorry about all the text, doctor, I’m just glad I met you. Well, in my mind at any rate.

  • I wrote this last night, i guess it’s for you Phil.

    I remember once when I was a little boy, I realized that all I had to do is try as hard as I could and I could run faster than my older sister. I compensated for my learning disabilities and disorganized thought with my exuberant desire to discover and invent. At the peak of my career in computer science I made $110,000.00 per year based on this childhood philosophy. I can thank my mother and father for their emotional support, although I don’t accept help from people because there is way too much to be gained from the experience of doing something yourself.

    I had trouble focusing in calculus so I was written a prescription for a huge bottle of methyphenidate pills, but they were making me feel upset. I offered to give them to friends but they didn’t want them either so I just threw the bottle in the trash.

    At 18, I remember being okay with people teasing me about being gay once I had started taking Paxil. I felt like I didn’t care about anything anymore. I started ignoring my bosses instructions at work, and didn’t finish my degree in computer science despite having completed all but 2 math and 1 phys ed. I actually completed the tennis class for phys ed, but there was a recording glitch but I didn’t care. The last 4 years had meant nothing to me.

    Moving on, I began working for a great little company in Springfield named Infostructure. It was rought at times, but the love was there. My new chevy lumina was broken into and he stole my beloved Sony Handicam and some irreplaceable video. I didn’t care about the rest of the damage to the car, but that camera was precious to me and I miss it to this day. The cop told me that I needed to watch it because this was Springfield, not Wilbraham. I started to feel upset and ended up on Effexor XR 300mg. When I had first started at Infostructure, I did what they wanted me to. Active Server Pages, Stored Procedures, Java, Visual Basic. I was able to earn enough respect for them to let me do whatever I wanted. Eventually I didn’t care about my job anymore and started writting endless amount of computer code that did absolutely nothing!! I showed up to work later and later and was eventually issued a written warning. I Quit and interviewed for a great company named Softscape in Wayland, MA. I was interviewing for consultant role, but they immediately hired me instead as software engineer to develop their product itself, to which I added a few features and was quickly welcomed to an aggressive, but fantastic new league of friends, and some might say, family. The same thing happened to me again. I eventually stopped listening to my boss, and did whatever I felt like doing, which was playing with computer programming for the most part and not actually getting my job done. After a couple angry conversations with my boss, I stopped going to work and was eventually Terminated. They loved me, and let me get away with murder, so to speak. I didn’t care at all about any of that. I started doing illegal things with my vehicle such as driving 145 MPH on i90, i495, i290 and as fast I as could everywhere else. I tossed heavy objects at the other vehicles because I felt they where not moving with a sufficient rate of speed. Once a man followed me back to my home to yell at me from my reckless behavior. It’s a miracle that no one was hurt. I lost everything and moved in with my parents.

    I was diagnosed Bipolar I after some time, and put on antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. It’s hard to say in what order or for how long, but the list included zoloft, risperdal, lamictal, trileptal, welbutrin, seroquel and zyprexa. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… Ok…

    Things started to pick up for me, I took a web developer position for FCHP in Worcester. Nothing bad happend there, and in the end I was making $67,000 per year on salary. FCHP is a fantastic employer. They sent me to Las Vegas for a week to stay at Mandalay Bay for the ASP.NET connections seminars. The experience was magic, and I could expense every purchurse. I had never been that far from my home town before. Before I knew it, I was the lead developer on the most important projects for example I designed the medicare part D formulary and played a key role in intranet and extranet applications as well as legacy MS Office applications in premium billing, underwriting, provider appeals, even human human resources. When I wasn’t getting work done, I was there on the weekends with a box of joe from dunkin donuts. I had a refridgerator on my desk, had a great relationship with my boss and sometimes he shared information with me about the performance of the other employees. Had I wanted to return to school to finish those few courses, my benefits would cover every single dime. I decided that I didn’t have enough so I took a job in Wellesley making $110,000.00 per year. Then I took a job in Waltham for a little while at $95,000.00 per year. At my last job they caught me lying about having a degree in computer science, but they hired me anyway. I was selected over stacks of resumes. I had money to burn. We were allowed to take frequent breaks in order to play table tenis and foos ball in the recreation room. I walked outside in the woods on hiking trails, sometimes taking a nap on a bench because I had it all to myself. Holliday parties were at places like the Boston Meseum of Science, and we would have team building experiences of all kinds, the kitchen had every tea and coffee there is and purified water and ice in the freezer there for you any time. They allowed my to arrive as late as 10:30 AM. I stayed as late as 11:00 PM because I was always manic. When I wasn’t working I was body building or doing chores or sleeping.

    I had an upsetting medical problem and the colorectal surgeon gave me oxycodone for pain. I was prescribed lorazepam and then clonazepam for anxiety related to chronic an anal fissure, which still exists in my nightmares. I got so depressed that I had to go on FMLA, or family medical leave of absence. Eager to return to work, I did so in a psychotic state. At lunch I told everyone malicious stories about how the director of technology was incapable of leading our group. She allowed this to go on for months until issuing a 30 day warning followed by a letter of termination.

    In time i stoped listening to my boss and started redesigning every part of the system I touched. I was insane. I was eventually let go, and my bosses last words were, “I really do want the best for you, Ryan”

    Things went from really bad to undescrible and I eventually moved back in with my parents. After several years living with my parents, I incured an anal fistula, got it removed, and got prescriptions for both oxycodone and hydrocode for the pain. I suffered a psychotic break and was hospitalized for over 70 days. I thought that at age 33.333 that my neuroelectomagnetic system had achieved a maximum standing wave ratio and this would allow me to exist over a greater area in space and time — laugh out loud, right? Eh, makes for a good story at least.

    When I was released I hired a different psychiatrist who allowed me to once again have a prescription for… methyphenidate. I was also given abilify which has caused permanent akathesia in my right foot. Cybalta made my eyes feel sleepy years after discontinuation, and had a short lived initial effect that I can neither confirm nor deny. There was also Valium this time, although I didn’t fill the script because I assumed it would be hazardous to my health.

    I am currently taking Lexapro and Lamical. I have no way of knowing if these drugs are nessessary, and I haven’t decided to stop taking them yet, but I hope to eventually be off of them completely. Psychiatry is not medicine, it is “meddleling” with people’s brains in an inhumane way that society pays dearly for.

    I am now 35 and I am dissabled for life, and I know psychiatry has played a key role in the destuction of my life.

    During my second major manic episode, I never hurt anyone, never hurt myself, because I actually… was never psychotic or manic at all. Subconsciously I was simply playing with my mind as a boy plays with his penis for the first time. It was an experience as important to me as discovering the nature of my sexual attraction to males in my first major manic episode. I woke up from a zone i had been in since the day i was first traumatized by my this artificial reality of bullshit and needed to “stretch” out my “me”