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I believe you!
This whole thread just infuriates me! We are HUMAN BEINGS! At one hospitalization, 8 weeks pregnant and stopped all meds cold turkey for my baby and had severe withdrawal and suicidal thoughts, I ran into a doctor who saw me as nothing less than a thing. I was severely constipated and requested an enema that I could take to my room and administer to myself. They were all aware that I was a child sex abuse victim/survivor, but that didn’t stop the doctor’s refusal to allow me that dignity. He said I could not only not administer an enema to myself, I could not have one at all. The only option I was given was for this 70+ year old man to digitally stimulate my rectum and “break up the stool”. I cried and refused. I was then given zyprexa (Satan’s drug) and 20 minutes later I was on the exam table crying while a nurse stroked my head and this man dug his fingers in my body for well over one minute. I was in shock, drugged and humiliated. And I still didn’t have have a bowel movement. I ended up on the floor of my private shower for the next 2 hours crying. I then got dressed, walked to the nurses station and filed a formal complaint. Worst mistake ever! The comments and treatment I received from the male techs after was enough to make anyone not wanting to die to begin with, want to be die. I survived only because of the other “inmates” compassion and support. One of which was a veteran that spoke up on my behalf when being mistreated. I will never forget how he put himself in danger for me, not once by going to actual war, but twice by going to battle for me in those walls. I suffer from complex ptsd now from not just the abuse I received as a child, but the torture I received because I was a victim. Thank you for speaking out. I hear you! I believe you! And I am so sorry you had to suffer at their hands too.
Oh my gosh Steve, Thank you! After nearly 20 yrs of being told that there was actually something inately wrong with me because I was believed, the police were involved, he plead down and my family member stayed married to him and I was significantly traumatized everytime I saw her, it’s nice to hear someone “get it”. He admitted it once all the evidence was clear, yet I got force drugged, brainwashed, seperated from my sisters, had my parents be told I was a lost cause, electrocuted and have male dr’s refuse to allow me to give myself an enema and was subjected to rectal digital stimulaion while on zyprexa by a dirty old man…..only now am I finding the courage to fight back. NEVER AGAIN! I will never allow anyone to treat me as anything less than human, at least not without them ending up scars too…
Wow, thank you! I too hate the word treatment. It doesn’t fit. The truth is, I am scared to death to be anywhere, even if I am in a frame of mind to know my rights, my right at this time to refuse medications. But I cannot survive going into a hospital psych hospital ever again and those are the choices I am faced with. So voluntary, no meds because those lead to the most horrific place on earth, seems like the only option. I just am not sure how much help it will be beyond weight restoration because I have learned to not ever again trust the system with the details of my heartache and trauma, they only see symptoms and never actually hear you. I am not sure if this is how life is supposed to be, but I know that I can no longer trust another to hold sacred, my truth, my life. All I wanted was to forget, because asking for help only killed me more.
As one who has suffered through the disorder eating behaviors and the physical effects, not once have I ever wondered why. I know the cause, for me. And I am pretty positive that all other sufferers, if honest with themselves, know deep down too. And let me the you, it has not one thing to do with my DNA. For me, when it kicks in the hunger gets so much that it consumes the mind, making it harder to have the memories of abuse as a child, then being labled for the subsequent depression when pedophile was kept in the family, forcefully drugged…. well, when everyone who says they are helping you and love you yet all of their actions are in complete contrast to that, you can’t live in that reality for long when it hurts so much. I just wanted someone to listen and help, instead they tried to drug it out of their site. Today, I am in what they call “relapse”. I have flashbacks from their “care” that was anything but. I am trying to figure out how I heal my heart so I can find the courage to keep my body alive. That has nothing to do with anything that these so called experts profess to know. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a place where they say I can go to treatment voluntarily, for now but my window of voluntary treatment is closing. It sucks that that which I am scarred by is professing now to be what will heal me. And fyi, in treatment they refer to everyones eating disorder as ED, like another being inside of you. Brainwashing clients to nearly believe in an almost split personality like thing. And the meds, the mounds of meds……. no wonder the relapse rate is so high…
The state of AZ placed all of their medicaid recipients who received a seriously mentally ill label by abusive dr’s, onto a newly formed insurence plan without a the right to refuse that plan, and then the state made public announcements of this plan and that only those deemed “smi” will be covered. Try going to the dr with that insurence card and everyone from the receptionist who logs your new insurence info to the dr will look at you with caution. Try fighting that and the United States Department of Health and Human Services say no violation of privacy happened and the discrimination against tens of thousands in the state is not a rights violation. No one wants to hear the truth, they think our being upset is just another validation of how sick we are. Where do you go when there is no safe place to turn???
Wow Tina, your words brought me to tears. You so perfectly worded what I feel my life experience has been. I am now stuck with the how questions. How do I move forward from this, how do I learn to trust when every person intimatly involved in my life told me something was inately wrong with me because I was depressed after child sexual abuse? How do I learn to breath in a relaxed state because those officers were sent to my house, put me in handcuffs in front of my family and neighbors like I was a criminal, all because my psych thought I lost too much weight. How for years and years I had side effects from drugs and was then just drugged more, then had my brain hooked up to jumper cables because I voiced I wanted to die because I felt inhuman, all brought on by the bounty of drugs given to me so that no one would have to listen to the broken child inside that just wanted to feel safe again. How do i , only 2yrs free from meds after two decades of torture and discrimination because of it, find my will to want to live in this heinous world with such evil people? Am I depressed today, why yes of course, I feel alone in twilight zone, where speaking my truth gets looks of concern and anger from my family., because remember, I am not a traumatized child sex abuse victim who was never given the opportunity to heal and instead was blamed and tortured and labeled defective, I am just their crazy mentally ill, adult daughter, still living in their home unable to work. All that caused my initial depression and shame is still there, I was never allowed to heal, and now I have 20yrs of consistent abuse by numerous “trusted professionals” to add on top. How do I not give up now, and get to the other side? Or better, what worked for you, others? Thanks for hearing my broken heart and thanks for speaking up for us all.