Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Comments by psmama

Showing 37 of 37 comments.

  • Rachel777, I wish I could sit across from you, look you in the eyes and tell you face to face how much your voice, your truth, has made an impact on me. I wish I could hug you tight. You have a beautiful way with words. You are educating so many people. You, with your story, are telling “our” story. It took reading your and Julie Greene’s words that allowed me the grace to say my own words out loud. To say that it was real, all of it. I grieve in many ways for the life stolen from me. The possibilities, not all of them, but many, gone. I too wanted a family. I did get a wonderful son, but being drugged and shocked led me into the hands of what became another nightmare, I escaped with my life and the growing life inside. But at my age now, single mom to a teenager, too old for more babies if I ever was to find someone who would choose me and value me, living with my parents on disability and unable to work, I get how the future is hard to look at. I hear you! And I hope you know how valuable you are to all of us. We survived. We fucking survived!!!

  • Sam plover, finding that others actually found their experiences as traumatic as I had, gave me the nudge to listen to my gut and quit allowing “them” to decide what was best whether or not it actually helped or harmed me. It’s taken some years, patience with myself and those I love, and determination to never allow anyone to ever again gain control over my body or mind. They still try, but I am able to close down their ongoing opinions that my trauma and the feelings or responses that now come from it are a disease to be drugged away, to hell with how they effect my body. Never Again.

  • Not sure why my initial comment is still in moderation, so let’s try this again.
    Tina, I am so grateful for all of your hard work. Your piece on naming it torture, several years ago, was the first I read on MiA. It was the first I had ever read where I felt like someone “got it”. You inspire me to continue to grow and heal and stand up for others. Thank you for continuing to try to educate the world.

  • Maybe I misread this, but is this piece actually trying to argue that there are actually benefits to the asylum? Anything being presented here is from all but the patient’s (hear prisoner’s) point of view. I’m sure those in the sex trafficking business say good things about their drugged up, imprisoned victims too, after some time in the “system”, ie. less combative and agreeable. And they give them food too.
    This piece was very uncomfortable to read and had me asking myself “why?” throughout.

  • Neurologist wrote in my chart that I denied being depressed but expressed extreme guilt, very loaded questions to which I answered, “doesn’t everyone carry a little guilt for something?” Told me my right sided weakness, double vision and 24/7 occipital headache was due to a depression I didn’t realize I had. I had a different doctor order an MRI and lumbar puncture after having a medical professional in my family ask for it. Wouldn’t you know, it was in my head….a virus! I find it very hard to trust doctors as I had to fight to get someone to even check for what was a very serious and worsening condition. The assumptions were made because I had a rare virus and he had access to pharmacy records and what those psychs did years before.

  • Survivingthesystem, chances are, we probably went to the same places. For me, 3 different centers, 6 times with being sent to the psych hospital in between, numerous times, due to the huge cocktails making me so suicidal yet a zombie, so shock treatment. It’s total medical neglect what they do. How do you justify drugging already malnourished bodies??? True medical issues are ignored or like you said, also blamed on ED and not real. Like pancreatitis, labs even confirming it, yet it was the “eating disorder talking ” because eating literally caused extreme pain. It took leaving AMA to get actual medical help and when leaving I was threatened with them getting a court order. Who you truly are ceases to exist in those places. It’s a mind field and the way they play patients on each other makes it hard to trust anyone there.
    Eating disorder treatment is a world of it’s own. I’m so sorry they hurt you too. I also struggle with severe post traumatic stress. And like you stated, I am one of those who is home all the time, unable to work, trying to do something meaningful everyday, even if it’s just giving extra attention to my pups.
    And thank you for your “novel”. You said everything I couldn’t because too much truth talking is a bit too overwhelming for my soul. Yet sometimes we gotta get it out too. The truth is worse than people want to believe.
    For me, models and tv had NOTHING to do with issues. Absolutely nothing! That drove me nuts too.

  • sam plover, isn’t it crazy making that even away from them it still needs to be said that it wasn’t deserved? The psychiatric system knows how to make a person question everything about their judgment, especially when they get their claws on them in adolescence. And you are so right, it’s a constant hardwiring all while essentially punishing you because you aren’t “better yet”. There is no logic in the profession. But they are master manipulators, more than any person I met in any hospital or treatment center. Fool me once….never again.

  • Rosalee, your replies the last couple days have been a validation shower over me. Thank you so much. Only the last 5 years have I begun to acknowledge the abuse for what it was. So I still find myself, at times, second guessing whether or not I actually deserved all of that. But deep down, I know i didn’t because I would never stand by and stay silent if i witnessed what happened to me, happening to another. And truth be told, I was the combative patient the last time I was in treatment several years ago because I called them out every time I witnessed abuse. They were telling patients that seroquel was an antianxiety!!!!!!!! Of course I told them all the truth and was taken aside for disrupting the process. I thought it was highly unethical that they were lying to patients about drugs.
    When I read your story it makes me so worried for what the medical field is becoming. It sickens me that this god minded doctor thought he had the right to play with your life at such a vulnerable time.

  • I appreciate this piece more than you know. My eating troubles started after and as a reaction to abuse. I was forced to have contact, knowingly, with my abusers wife for years, as she was my aunt. The effects the family’s reaction to my disclosure at the age of 12 had on me was nothing short of soul destroying. For over 2 decades I was force drugged, restrained, nose broken by a too large nasal gastric feeding tube forced upon my body, injected, imprisoned and electrocuted. Is it any wonder that meeting my bodies needs is still a struggle? I was taught by well over 100 people that my needs, my voice, didn’t matter. It took years to escape the clutches of the eating disorder treatment world. It took lying about taking meds as I was coming off them. And then when I found that my digestive system no longer worked as needed, I found an amazing GI doctor who ignored my label and saw me. He worked with me to get my body healthy in a safe and respectful way. He listened! I am dependent on a j tube for my nutrition, but this was my decision with an actual medical professional and was the last thing I did to get the system off my back. Once deemed SMI, I’m stuck in the oppressive state system, required to meet my handler 4 times a year, but I am drug free and away from those who told me my eating issues were the cause of ED(eating disorder). The notion of ED, as it is referred to “him” a lot in treatment, was crazy making, as though this other being was inside of me, waiting to take over at any moment.
    The treatment world also will state the statistics for death for eating disorders, the deadliest mental illness, often to scare you into treatment. What I experienced in treatment the last time when I refused meds, was watching women and girls being drugged to the point they couldn’t talk at night, being driven off every other day for “shock treatment ” since they ate better after. It all is done while telling you how much they care, and maybe some do. But their efforts haven’t saved several of my friends that I met throughout the years. 3 years ago I lost my prior roommate and soul sister. I will never forgive them for the drugging I saw them do to her….
    Healing for me is not a destination any longer, it is a daily endeavor that will most likely follow me all my life. Thank you for giving voice to this little known about or spoken about, world.

  • For me, being told it was all chemical and pretty much placing the blame of my suffering on that and not the abuse I experienced, added to the undoing of me. I also happen to be one of the lucky ones whom SSRI’S make totally and completely suicidal. Because of that I was told I had worsening illness and more diagnosis which required more “medications”, specifically antipsychotics, anti- seizure, mood stabilizers and benzodiazepines. When those drove me literally bonkers, they electrocuted my brain because I was “medication resistant”. These are all mind altering drugs and those of us who can’t take them because they WILL kill us, just want you to have all the information so you can make an INFORMED decision. If you have worsening symptoms or new symptoms on them, please read into your meds. But if they work for you, that is your right to decide to take them. Just please be safe.

  • Once my medical files stated I had a mental illness, I was never treated the same. I admit, I struggled with eating and meeting my body’s needs(child sexual abuse not being taken seriously can teach one that they don’t deserve to have their needs met). But when I had gotten myself in a medically fragile state requiring emergency services to correct a life threatening electrolyte imbalance and presented myself to the ER, I was put in 4 point restraints since the eating disorder was “self harm”, left with the curtains wide open for all patients and their families to see and refused a phone call to my psychologist who would tell them I was safe, as I took myself there. This was done at 2 other hospitals in a 2year span, all because instead of seeing a hurting human who was scared to die and trying to get help, they saw a label, SMI, and treated me accordingly. Their abuse has hindered my life in so many ways. How do you trust humans when those from childhood up to the “helpers” as an adult all proved that everyone is a potential threat? That’s not paranoia, that’s reality based on life experiences for me….

  • Rosalee, every time I read how you ended up in a psych office, I become physically ill. If any situation can show the fraud of this industry, it is yours. It makes me so angry that anyone would decide it was not only ok, but worth the risk to your already fragile body. I am so thankful you survived them, although you never should have been put in the position to have to, to begin with. I’ve seen your comments for awhile now and I just wanted to let you know that you are heard.

  • I agree with both of your comments Sylvian. I am so confused by this seemingly support of drug trials, whether a psych drug or illegal drug. It makes no sense to give credence to this study. Some people are more relaxed when they drink alcohol, does that mean when sober they are just walking around with a too low blood alcohol?
    In the name of full disclosure, I do use cannabis. I acknowledge that it is not fixing the trauma I endured but is a way for me to escape the reality of what I endured. Adults should have the ability to choose whatever helps them get through life, but calling mind altering drugs medicine, is taking it too far.
    And mascarading a psychedelic as an actual “treatment ” is incredibly harmful and dangerous.

  • This news, for me, comes as a shock. Julie wrote openly of her experiences in the eating disorder world of treatment, one which I related too well. I don’t have the words right now as I am trying to let it sink in, this stranger in the computer whom I had come to look forward to reading all her comments and writings. My heart is heavy. Rest well Julie…

  • Rachel, I don’t view you as a failure, I see you as a survivor. But I do relate so much to that feeling. I relate to many of your comments you leave on this site. I struggle with my relationship with my mother as she stood by and watched them drug me, told me I was sick and had a chemical imbalance because at 14 I was distressed over the sexual abuse I endured at 11 and 12 by a family member. She stood by when they drugged me to a zombie state in a matter of weeks at a “top notch” eating disorder center at the age of 21 and then she drove me in that state to have my brain electrocuted because who would expect a mother who is also a medical professional, to question such barbaric treatment. I find myself having to forgive her over and over again because the flashbacks make it all so raw and violating. I also believe her denial is due to the fact that if she admitted her nearly 40 year old daughter was living with her and financially dependent on her due to her playing along and forcing the drugs and ect, is too much for her heart to acknowledge. For that, I try to be gentle with her because I do see her pain when I cry over not being able to work or live in my own space. My fear of what will happen when she is no longer here.
    The pittance the government gives me each month as restitution for their sanctioned torture is just enough to allow me to see how little my actual life and suffering were worth. I was a freaking cheerleader! Now I am mostly a recluse, afraid of people, saddened by the state of our society and what we allow. Most people are completely unaware of the underbelly of the beast.

  • I remember praying fervently while in the psych annex, for protection of my mind and spirit. I knew every time they gave me “meds”, I was slipping away. I prayed that one person would see that my pain was not only understandable but warranted. I believe for me, that my focus continuing to stay on my faith and not on the self proclaimed human gods, is what literally saved my life. His grace was sufficient for me.

  • “You can have a perfectly fabulous life after going through sheer hell — you can go through it, and you can come out on the other side.”
    Thank you for those words. I’ve heard them before, but NEVER from someone who would completely understand what it is to try to get your footing back after escaping. I too had the internal urge to get my medical records. I only got them from one hospital, the others wanted to charge me and due to their “treatment ” I am not working yet, therefore could not afford the proof. For me, my records were the thing that confirmed that I was not lying or exaggerating concerning the torture I suffered through. I also feel that my anger at being locked up for no valid reason, in my opinion, just a child sex abuse victim with depression, saved my life. My anger protected me from being completely brainwashed, although they did try hard and I was falling into it at times.
    I say this all to say thank you. Thank you for sparking that hope in me that I can be more than a mother again. That I can actually maybe one day , WANT to be here for more than just making sure my kiddo is safe. Thank you….

  • I relate to the police cars. I freeze. I was innocent before but hauled of like a criminal and put in a cage. I too struggle with the before, during and after selves. Who would I have been had I been allowed to be me? That one aches in my heart daily. Wondering if my interactions with others was “normal” because I still don’t know what I did wrong to be punished to begin with. I was just honest. It is bittersweet to hear that I am not alone in this struggle to now figure out where and how I belong. I also feel that if there was validation and an “I’m so sorry” by those who directed and completed those assaults on my very being, I would not be so afraid of the world. But all I have ever heard is baseless justifications. I hear you Cat. I believe you. I wish for all of us to find our place and some peace in this world.

  • You scare them because they know you are right. The last time I was in treatment, 2 years ago, under the condition that if I didn’t go, due to my weight they would court order me, I was a thorn in their side. They were frustrated that I refused to do trauma work with them, strangers. I was there for one reason only in my mind, to get enough weight on to not be court ordered. I did speak of my torture to the psych and told her I refused any labels she was going to give me besides post traumatic stress injury and that under no circumstances would I take their drugs. Since I was “voluntary” that was the only right I could assert. I watched as they sent a young baby, 19 years old, drugged to the max, off 3 days a week for shock treatment. It was horrible to be watching what they had done to me and being helpless to stop it. I was scolded after sharing with patients that their “anxiety medication” was not in fact that but that seroquel was a heavy antipsychotic. They lies and manipulation were so hard to watch and even moreso traumatizing than when it was being done to me. They don’t care about the person, they care about keeping clients.

  • Wow Julie, thank you. Yes, everything in treatment that you say is your “ed talking”. They try to condition you to believe that ed is another entity inside of you. Talk about crazy making. And when there are rational reasons that one could use a harmful coping skill, it’s minimized and said that is ed just trying to take control. No bitch! Maybe I find it hard to meet my needs because I was conditioned to believe my needs weren’t deserving of being met. Although on a logical level I know that is untrue, it hard to compute that to the treatment I received for being an honest human being asking for help in an abusive family setup. There are so many days I wish I had never told or spoke up about my uncle’s abuse of me, because then I wouldn’t know the pain of my entire family discounting the pain and trauma it caused justifying their torture of my very being. I am in a place of accepting nutrition as long as I am not having to place that food in my mouth. I am still very much trying to allow myself to meet my basic needs and took control of how to go about it. No more dbt, fake it till you make it. No more being removed from society to “get well”, because I only ever came back more broken and fragile each time. Thank you for hearing me, really hearing me. That means so much.

  • I tried to post this once but it came back marked as spam… weird. So here’s my second try. I have been reading the comments daily since Sunday after your blog was put up, wanting to comment myself but finding it hard due to intense and intrusive memories. I will never understand why I was treated as less that a human being by those who were “helping” as my family, my mother, stood by and allowed it. Blaming me when it just compounded my agony. I was brainwashed at the age of 14 into believing something was wrong with my brain, with me, because I found living in a family who coddled my pedophile abuser after disclosure, unbearable to live. I was held down and mouth pried open by my own parents as they forced that first pill. After that, I knew better than to fight them and always placed those drugs in my own mouth. They never helped but I did become increasingly “mental” resulting in self harm and ending up with a severe eating disorder which I still struggle with at the age of 37. Treat for that just resulted in poly drugging and then sending me in a zombified state to a shock doc, because in 9 weeks and over a dozen “medications” I was “medication resistant”. Mind you the abusers were still in my family and one welcomed into my childhood home constantly telling me how God wants me to forgive and that’s the cause of my distress. Those shocks killed a huge part of me. They DESTROYED what little trust and hope I had in my relationship with my mother. There is a before shock person and and after. They look they same but I can tell you that I am not the same, at all. I trust no medical practioners and question everything. I break out in sweats and find it hard to hide the intense fear upon entering a hospital for any reason, and that’s hard when I now have a feeding tube in my abdomen to help keep me going. I find that being out in public, even saying not one word, I feel so far away from the strangers walking through Target, wishing I could once again wander the aisles without the knowledge of what humans are truly capable of and still not quite knowing what exactly I did to deserve that, all of it. I have a child, and because of him, I stay. I know that sounds heavy but, without him I have no want or will to continue on this hell of a place we call earth. I just never want my kiddo to ever feel that no one has his back, that no one will stand up for and fight for him. That is why I stay. But it’s so hard to keep going when my soul is more than tired. I still have yet to find the point of fighting so hard to keep me alive if they were killing everything that made life worth living. I am surviving, but that is far from thriving. 5 years med free now, I am more clear and able to sense danger and know that I did not deserve any of that. I just wish the heart and soul would mend enough to make every day here not a curse that must just be gotten through. Thank you Bonnie for your hard work. I am in tears and my heart is overwhelmed that you think enough of us to fight for us. Thank you…..

  • This whole thread just infuriates me! We are HUMAN BEINGS! At one hospitalization, 8 weeks pregnant and stopped all meds cold turkey for my baby and had severe withdrawal and suicidal thoughts, I ran into a doctor who saw me as nothing less than a thing. I was severely constipated and requested an enema that I could take to my room and administer to myself. They were all aware that I was a child sex abuse victim/survivor, but that didn’t stop the doctor’s refusal to allow me that dignity. He said I could not only not administer an enema to myself, I could not have one at all. The only option I was given was for this 70+ year old man to digitally stimulate my rectum and “break up the stool”. I cried and refused. I was then given zyprexa (Satan’s drug) and 20 minutes later I was on the exam table crying while a nurse stroked my head and this man dug his fingers in my body for well over one minute. I was in shock, drugged and humiliated. And I still didn’t have have a bowel movement. I ended up on the floor of my private shower for the next 2 hours crying. I then got dressed, walked to the nurses station and filed a formal complaint. Worst mistake ever! The comments and treatment I received from the male techs after was enough to make anyone not wanting to die to begin with, want to be die. I survived only because of the other “inmates” compassion and support. One of which was a veteran that spoke up on my behalf when being mistreated. I will never forget how he put himself in danger for me, not once by going to actual war, but twice by going to battle for me in those walls. I suffer from complex ptsd now from not just the abuse I received as a child, but the torture I received because I was a victim. Thank you for speaking out. I hear you! I believe you! And I am so sorry you had to suffer at their hands too.

  • Oh my gosh Steve, Thank you! After nearly 20 yrs of being told that there was actually something inately wrong with me because I was believed, the police were involved, he plead down and my family member stayed married to him and I was significantly traumatized everytime I saw her, it’s nice to hear someone “get it”. He admitted it once all the evidence was clear, yet I got force drugged, brainwashed, seperated from my sisters, had my parents be told I was a lost cause, electrocuted and have male dr’s refuse to allow me to give myself an enema and was subjected to rectal digital stimulaion while on zyprexa by a dirty old man…..only now am I finding the courage to fight back. NEVER AGAIN! I will never allow anyone to treat me as anything less than human, at least not without them ending up scars too…

  • Wow, thank you! I too hate the word treatment. It doesn’t fit. The truth is, I am scared to death to be anywhere, even if I am in a frame of mind to know my rights, my right at this time to refuse medications. But I cannot survive going into a hospital psych hospital ever again and those are the choices I am faced with. So voluntary, no meds because those lead to the most horrific place on earth, seems like the only option. I just am not sure how much help it will be beyond weight restoration because I have learned to not ever again trust the system with the details of my heartache and trauma, they only see symptoms and never actually hear you. I am not sure if this is how life is supposed to be, but I know that I can no longer trust another to hold sacred, my truth, my life. All I wanted was to forget, because asking for help only killed me more.

  • As one who has suffered through the disorder eating behaviors and the physical effects, not once have I ever wondered why. I know the cause, for me. And I am pretty positive that all other sufferers, if honest with themselves, know deep down too. And let me the you, it has not one thing to do with my DNA. For me, when it kicks in the hunger gets so much that it consumes the mind, making it harder to have the memories of abuse as a child, then being labled for the subsequent depression when pedophile was kept in the family, forcefully drugged…. well, when everyone who says they are helping you and love you yet all of their actions are in complete contrast to that, you can’t live in that reality for long when it hurts so much. I just wanted someone to listen and help, instead they tried to drug it out of their site. Today, I am in what they call “relapse”. I have flashbacks from their “care” that was anything but. I am trying to figure out how I heal my heart so I can find the courage to keep my body alive. That has nothing to do with anything that these so called experts profess to know. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a place where they say I can go to treatment voluntarily, for now but my window of voluntary treatment is closing. It sucks that that which I am scarred by is professing now to be what will heal me. And fyi, in treatment they refer to everyones eating disorder as ED, like another being inside of you. Brainwashing clients to nearly believe in an almost split personality like thing. And the meds, the mounds of meds……. no wonder the relapse rate is so high…

  • The state of AZ placed all of their medicaid recipients who received a seriously mentally ill label by abusive dr’s, onto a newly formed insurence plan without a the right to refuse that plan, and then the state made public announcements of this plan and that only those deemed “smi” will be covered. Try going to the dr with that insurence card and everyone from the receptionist who logs your new insurence info to the dr will look at you with caution. Try fighting that and the United States Department of Health and Human Services say no violation of privacy happened and the discrimination against tens of thousands in the state is not a rights violation. No one wants to hear the truth, they think our being upset is just another validation of how sick we are. Where do you go when there is no safe place to turn???

  • Wow Tina, your words brought me to tears. You so perfectly worded what I feel my life experience has been. I am now stuck with the how questions. How do I move forward from this, how do I learn to trust when every person intimatly involved in my life told me something was inately wrong with me because I was depressed after child sexual abuse? How do I learn to breath in a relaxed state because those officers were sent to my house, put me in handcuffs in front of my family and neighbors like I was a criminal, all because my psych thought I lost too much weight. How for years and years I had side effects from drugs and was then just drugged more, then had my brain hooked up to jumper cables because I voiced I wanted to die because I felt inhuman, all brought on by the bounty of drugs given to me so that no one would have to listen to the broken child inside that just wanted to feel safe again. How do i , only 2yrs free from meds after two decades of torture and discrimination because of it, find my will to want to live in this heinous world with such evil people? Am I depressed today, why yes of course, I feel alone in twilight zone, where speaking my truth gets looks of concern and anger from my family., because remember, I am not a traumatized child sex abuse victim who was never given the opportunity to heal and instead was blamed and tortured and labeled defective, I am just their crazy mentally ill, adult daughter, still living in their home unable to work. All that caused my initial depression and shame is still there, I was never allowed to heal, and now I have 20yrs of consistent abuse by numerous “trusted professionals” to add on top. How do I not give up now, and get to the other side? Or better, what worked for you, others? Thanks for hearing my broken heart and thanks for speaking up for us all.