Thursday, May 13, 2021

Comments by adriannegri

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  • I have been diagnosed as schizophrenic. I have suffered childhood trauma. I try to suggest that perhaps I am suffering ptsd. It is dismissed immediately. The circumstances surrounding my trauma are complicated.

    While riding our bikes one day in 1980, when I was 11 and my cousin was 12, my cousin asked me to push him. I did and he was hit by a car as soon as he got onto the bitumen. It wasn’t long before all memory of that accident was lost and if people asked what happened I shrugged and either said nothing or that he was hit by a car. I grew up mostly normal, I guess. Took a long time to get the hang of girls, if I ever did. Alcohol was latched onto. I think I might have remained 11 in a growing man’s body. Made a fool of myself habitually. Naturally I took to drugs and alcohol, prostitutes and masturbation a little more than most people.

    So I was already an outsider by the time I had the abrupt experience of recall of the trauma from my childhood about 20 years later which was like the second wham of a double whammy. In an instant I relived the moment that brought everything back to me. At first I felt elated that I had been able to remember and therefore give my uncle some description of what I had just remembered (he wasn’t so thrilled) but as time went on it dawned on me how possible it was that people could think that I had deliberately tried to kill my cousin. Two Traumas in one. The experience as an 11 year old and the realizing of the validity of being accused as a killer or even someone who would attempt such a thing. So stress and post traumatism both.

    Take into account that at about age 22 I took up a New Age practice of tuning in to my *guides and both hearing and seeing (out of body experiences) and you might be able to see how when affected by that kind of stress I began to have unpleasant voices in my head. I also perceived a lot of anger around me, tacit anger. I began to realize how unwelcome my presence was. Still unable to articulate this unease I went to the emergency dept. to seek help, I was referred to CAT team and was put in care. That was about 2004. It has taken a good 10 years to come around to the conclusion, at least for myself, that my disorder is a result of the childhood trauma. But when I mention that I might have ptsd they say “No.”