Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Comments by Lisaloo1969

Showing 5 of 6 comments. Show all.

  • Hi Sinead,

    I just came across your article today and thought it was amazing. What a fantastic description of the non-ordinary, deeply spiritual, states of consciouness that psychiatrists call “mania” and “psychosis”. I have had all of the experiences you describe. I was writing a “Bible” too. It ended up 1 million plus words when you add all of my “episodes” together. I posted it all on Facebook for 5000 friends from “spiritual circles”. Most of it was written in full-caps while I was in a dissociative state. Felt like “channelling” at the time.

    The big problem I have today is that I am on the meds to keep many of my loved ones happy. They are wholly wedded to the bio-medical model whereas I believe it is a load of shit. But, thus far, I have not been able to “maintain sanity” without them.

    I’m looking for suitable therapists/spiritual counsellors but most don’t want to touch me because my challenges are too “complicated” and beyond their expertise. One friend suggested that I have a trauma counsellor and a separate spiritual counsellor but that’s double the cost. Does anyone have any recommendations? I’m in Auckland, New Zealand, but there’s not much specialist help available here. I met a transpersonal psychologist with a great looking website last Monday and didn’t immediately warm to him. He suggested at one stage that I might have narcissistic traits because I have issues with grandiosity when I experience non-ordinary states of consciousness. I’m actually an empath who witnessed my little brother being beaten on a daily basis from babyhood. The TP also held out very little hope for me to ever be able to stabilise/integrate my spiritual experiences because I don’t have a “proper personality”. I said “Do you mean I have a fragmented egoic self?” I can’t remember his response exactly but it wasn’t very reassuring. I don’t have a problem with the idea that I have a fragmented ego. It’s pretty obvious to me that I must have because when it “collapses”, SEVERAL new bullet-proof “Divine” ones immediately rise up to take its place as some sort of defence against Nihilistic Solipsism (due to dissociation/Non-Dual Awareness) and persecutory delusions about my children (that they are the sex slaves of the Illuminati).

    Anyway, I hope that wasn’t too heavy for you. Just wanted to say “love your work” and see whether you, and possibly others reading in, know of anyone who might be able to assist.

    Many thanks and kind regards
    Elizabeth Baird

  • Hi Bojana,
    I was really interested to read your piece. I have had many experiences similar to yours and, after 11 years of serious struggle, have been able to make sense of them.
    I have spent a lot of time praying to the Hebrew God YHWH and made some amazing spiritual discoveries that I cannot, and will not, discount as “illness”.
    Nowadays, I rely on my own direct experience of reality alone and do not accept what others tell me is truth if it contradicts what I know. There is no such thing as “objective truth”. There is only subjective experience and “consensus reality”. I am always acutely aware of what is going on in “consensus reality” and can act as if I am part of it to keep psychiatry from interfering in my life. Some people call it “presenting well”.
    Much love to you
    Elizabeth Baird xxx


    When asked how meditation could trigger psychosis, Farias told PennLive there aren’t any systematic studies to answer that question.

    “One possibility is that the experience of an altered sense of self, which can be stimulated by meditation, might be perceived as a negative experience which then further stimulates and reinforces a deep fragmentation of the self,” he said.
    No shit Sherlock! It would have been helpful to know that 7 years ago. I had to figure this out for myself.
    Spontaneous experience of Non-Dual Awareness + Adverse Childhood Experiences = Psychosis.
    Yet idiot psychiatrists put it down to a “chemical imbalance in the brain”.

  • When I become psychotic I believe my two children, a girl aged 15, and a boy aged 10, are the sex-slaves of the Illuminati. I have visions of them being raped, which I believe the children are sending me telepathically. When I suffer from these delusions, I do everything I can to rescue my children including attempting to kidnap them (they live with their father), contacting authorities, and sending emails to everyone I know asking for help. I have had 8 episodes in the last six years – the last one 12 months ago.
    I am amazed that someone else has had similar delusions and feel incredibly grateful that I never took the drastic action to protect them that Marci did.
    Thanks to a very understanding and compassionate ex-husband, I continue to have regular quality access to my children.

  • Dear Reid,
    I was deeply touched by your story. I live in New Zealand so there is a limited amount that I can do to help you but I thought the least I could do was offer my emotional support. If you would like to strike up a personal correspondence then please let me know through this page.
    I am a 47-year-old mother of two who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in April 2010 after I experienced a spiritual awakening. I was feeling blissful and connected to God. My partner at the time was concerned about my behaviour and put recording devices in the rafters. I did not imagine this. He was a sound recordist and he triumphantly took them down in front of me after I discovered that he had called the white coats behind my back. I had proof they were coming but he denied that he had contacted them. My four year old son said “Mummy, he slaps my face. Mummy, he laughs in my ear and locks me in the house and leaves me.” My eight year old daughter said “Mum, he was nice at the beginning but has been really mean to us”. My first instinct was to get my children as far away from him as possible. I knew that he would tell the authorities that he could take care of the children while I was being assessed at the police station. But I could not risk him being on his own with them after what they had told me. I got away but the police caught up with us the next day. I was put into hospital and the evidence that I was a danger to myself and my children was that I drove “at speed” without my corrective lenses (they fell off while I was trying to get away) and without my son properly secured in his car seat. Nobody believed my version of events. Nobody asked the children about what happened. I lost custody of my children and have never got them back. Up until that time I had parented my children using the “attachment” style and my son was still transitioning off my breast.
    The trauma from this first episode of “elevated mood” caused me to become psychotic each time I became elevated after that. I have been psychotic eight times since then and believed that my children were in danger. I have tried to kidnap them from their own father many times. I have regularly accused him of sexually assaulting the children on public forums and to legal authorities. Each time this happens I lose access to my children for extended periods of time. I have spent 18 months in total in psychiatric wards with no contact with my children. I will never forget the time my son, aged seven, stood on the side of the road screaming while he watched me being forced into the back of a police car in hand-cuffs. All I had done was keep him home from school for the day. I was mentally unstable but the situation could have been managed in a way which did not traumatise my son.
    The way in which I was handled the first time I had “an episode” set me up to have a deep distrust of my ex-husband, family members, medical professionals, and legal authorities which manifested in extreme paranoid delusions when I became mentally unstable due to stress. Each time I became mentally unstable I would be retraumatized as a result of my treatment by the psychiatric system, and the guilt and shame of how I had behaved. During one episode I deliberately (?) rammed up the back of another car on a motorway bridge. I was travelling at 160km/h. I could have killed us both. Unlike you, I was not charged. Unlike you, I do not consider that I was responsible for my actions.
    My last psychotic break was this time last year. It was the worst one ever. It was triggered by stress and by me asking my son, aged nine, whether my ex-partner really did slap his face, laugh in his ear, lock him in the house and leave him. He said “yes”. And I was off again. I was off again because nobody believed me at the time. And they still don’t.
    I am telling you all of this in the hopes that it will show that I can relate to the situation you are in. I have seen some horrendous human rights abuses in hospital which still give me nightmares. My own treatment by medical authorities had me running scared for six years. If they had only provided me with the right support at the very beginning, the outcome would have been very different.
    It grieves me that you hold yourself accountable for what you did. I know how convincing paranoid delusions are and I can tell you that there was no way that you could come out of them until you felt safe. Medical authorities do not appreciate that the quickest way to treat someone in mental distress is to make them feel safe. When a person is terrified and trusts no one, their minds will imagine all sorts of things that did not or are not happening. Every frightening thought is instantly believed and then experienced as real. Many people say their psychosis was “more real than real”. I am sure you will understand what that means. When an experience is “more real than real”, you cannot see beyond it without the right support.
    I truly hope that you will forgive yourself for what you did. Because you need to.

    Much love