Anja, you have stockholm syndrome. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome “Stockholm syndrome is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity. These alliances, resulting from a bond formed between captor and captives during intimate time spent together, are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims” The abuses and neglect of the system are not unique to you, they are by design. Severe emotional neglect, gaslighting, pushing people to suicide, and denial of pain and abuse are guaranteed to keep happening to you if you keep associating yourself with the system. The idea that SSRIs “unveil inherent bipolar disorder” is pure and steaming bullshit- rather the toxic pills cause the symptoms labeled as such. Your feelings were ignored in favor of labeling you with a disease that no-one has ever shown to exist, and then milking you for cash and subjecting you to a roundup like a caged animal when you dared not worship the ground they walk on after you were smart and emotionally attuned to the fact that they never cared about you, what you were really going through, or what you were really saying. They are braindead, emotionally empty profiteers, you will never get empathy or attention from them. The purpose is to keep you enslaved, not help you. It is not your fault, but only you can take action to escape. If it is left up to them, they will never encourage you to put your own needs and safety first.