In Search of a Hundred Miles of Gratitude


I woke up to the sound of steady rain.  Outside, four inches of snow still lay on the ground from the previous weekend.  The temperatures had remained just above freezing, and the rain that was scheduled to come would likely only be intensifying as the morning wore on.  But I had committed to the long run, knowing that my training was as much about being prepared for anything as it was for preparing my body for the actual number of miles to come.  I wasn’t sure if David would be there given his on-call schedule and the nasty conditions, and as I approached the hilly golf course at around 4:30 AM, the dissenting voices rang in my head.  But suddenly, I saw the headlights staring back at me.  He had come after all.

The seed for all of this had been planted the spring before.  I had managed to cross the finish line at the 50-mile run at Land Between the Lakes, as thankful for its completion as I was for my second toe (on my right foot) remaining intact after repeated harsh introductions to the roots that covered the trails.  Although I vowed early on that 50 was enough for me, a faint, crescendoing voice seemed to suggest that this finish line was just a step in a larger process.  I was surprised, or maybe fooled, at what I had left at the end, and so I began to think seriously about going in search of a hundred miles.

But this morning, all I was looking for was warmth as the cold, dark, treacherous hills spoke in a different way.  As the rain continued, David and I rambled and slid over the descents and the climbs, and through the hollows.  I was certainly thankful that my friend was there when few others I knew would understandably ever consider joining.  Amidst the perceived dreary conditions, there was much banter, much hilarity, and much appreciation for what we were doing.  As he said goodbye ascending the 17th fairway, much of my run still lie ahead.  The 34 degree rains only seemed to grow stronger.  But as I crested the hill and saw three deer running in the valley below, I heard myself sheepishly say, “I know, I know, I am not alone.”  The snow began to create deep ice puddles, and I found one after another.  The course became slicker.  I was soaked, and yet strangely enough I could only detect an unfailing warmth inside.  I was acutely aware of all that was going on with my body, even in the tips of my toes, and yet I found myself merging into the hills as the snow reflected the skylight from above.  My joy only intensified, and I found myself wondering why I had been so blessed to experience it all—oneness with each other, with this place, with what was unknown.  Gratitude permeated me, and even as I made the decision to end my run after two hours and nearly thirteen miles in order to get a little more warmth and dryness for my feet, I only knew that I had been blessed to have known it at all — in submitting myself to things that I did not understand, but increasingly sensed were true.

As the days went by, and I reflected on this run, I found myself thinking of the times that I had felt anxious and depressed.  In a broader sense, I found myself musing about many I knew who had experienced serious psychological difficulties, whether manifested in the utmost control over food intake or the obsession turned compulsive behavior to cleanse oneself of contamination.  What seemed to underlie much of these psychological challenges was a waning of the gratitude that was felt.  It seems easy to surmise the surrounding conditions and circumstances may have much to do with this, and yet as we have repeatedly seen, situations alone are poor predictors of mental health.  So often it appears that those who struggle to manage challenging circumstances, and those who remain resilient in lieu of horrible outcomes, often speak in very different tones.  When we are resilient, thankfulness seems to coincide, even for the miraculous gift of life itself when the life being lived seems anything but miraculous at all.  When these words are real, they are not trite, self-affirming notions — they are words spoken from the willful pursuit of something that goes much deeper than the words themselves.  They are human attempts at progress in a seemingly inhumane world.  But when we become immobilized, or even regress, as a result of anxiety, depression, or  various mental illnesses, gratitude seems so often submerged under words of unfairness and of catastrophizing and of loss, not gain.

It is at this last critical point that true gratitude becomes incompatible with psychological distress.  In giving thanks, we recognize a gain, no matter how small, and for at least a moment, let go of our sense of loss.  But two more key departures between gratitude and psychological distress emerge.  First, any act of gratitude involves turning towards others and ourselves in recognition of a positive moment in our life. Distress does the opposite – it turns us against ourselves, and often others, in a self-absorbed way.  Finally, gratefulness signifies clearly that there is hope simply because we acknowledge that positive things do exist – in ourselves, in others, and in the world.  Anguish and misery do not make room for hope, until gratitude appears.

Undoubtedly born and perpetuated by many precipitating factors, inherent ingratitude, no matter how seemingly reasonable and understandable it may be, seeks to be one of the most stifling obstacles in the pathway of recovery.  If ingratitude remains a serious obstacle, maybe small steps of gratitude, in thought or word or deed, are then a necessary prerequisite to long-term recovery.  And just maybe, albeit somewhat idealistically,  conditions of psychological distress and uncertainty, through the process of suffering and by opening new pathways of gratitude, precipitate alternatives for hope otherwise unseen in more inviting conditions.  It is a submission to a time-honored tradition in the foregoing of self at least momentarily in uncertain, vulnerable ways—moving forward into the daunting night in appreciation that light exists at all.

That morning in the cold, undulating darkness, I went in search of things I am still trying to understand, and likely will never fully uncover.  In my life, there is no shortage of things to be thankful for without ever seeking out the frigid, dark hills, and yet something calls me to suffer in these small ways as each long run becomes a search for new veins of appreciation previously unseen.  I really don’t know.  But I do know that when the alarm clock goes off early in the morning, it is time to push aside excuses, forego fleeting discomforts, and be thankful for the mind and the body that carries me into the dimly lit hills and valleys that lie ahead.


Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.


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  1. Hi James,

    Another great inspiring post that and is a great reminder we all need. Having struggled with various addictions like smoking, eating junk food, shopping and other supposed stress relievers, I am aware that most 12 step sponsors advise their sponsees to make a “gratitude list” for a start to get rid of “stinking thinking.” I don’t believe in the disease model of “addictions” per Dr. Stanton Peele’s The Truth About Addiction And Recovery, but I do think AA, OA, NA and other 12 step groups have much common sense from those who have struggled with such bad habits. For example, I know I can’t have one cigarette as in the great AA slogan, “One is too many and a thousand isn’t enough.”

    The movie, Pollyanna, is a great inspiration and Pollyanna is not as Pollyannaish as one might think since she’s great at confronting old sour pusses and hypochondriacs with all the quotations on joy that her pastor father taught her from the Bible and how they played the “glad game” when times were bad. Isn’t that what you are suggesting we do here? Play the glad game or adopt an attitude of gratitude especially when the chips are down since those are the times we can least afford more negativity robbing our energy and motivation. As Thoreau said, “These are the times that try our souls…”

    I am wondering if you noted my posts about C.S. Lewis on your last post about Resolving to Make This Year Mean More. I admit I may have gotten a bit carried away when you said my comment added to others about Lewis are pressing you to focus more on this twentieth century spiritual giant.

    I suggested a source of fairly brief daily readings from C.S. Lewis you might want to check out from time to time given your obviously very busy schedule. I would be very interested in your reaction to my posts about Lewis if you have the time. I realize you might not have time to read Lewis right now.

    Again, I want to thank you for another great article that hits close to home and right for the heart and seemed to be exactly what I need right now. I hope my Lewis posts will have at least some of this great impact on you.

    I admire your stamina for showing up and completing your run in the cold. Perhaps the same amount of stamina and self discipline is required for many people to practice gratitude rather than anger, bitterness and revenge fantasies.

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    • Hi Donna,

      Thanks again for your kind words and personal thoughts in regard to the subject of gratitude. I did see your comments regarding CS Lewis, and look forward to delving into the resources mentioned. As you probably saw in the bio, we have a hopping family of six, the youngest of which was just born a month ago so things are even busier than usual right now.

      I agree wholeheartedly about stamina being a requirement for endurance, and that a conscious choice to use effort in this way must be made as opposed to negative acts. Like every important activity, nothing occurs if the energy is not there. But as I alluded to in the post, it seems that the energy needed for gratitude is not often for a direct act of gratitude itself, but moreso the actions needed to manage the challenges and sufferings that may spur new pathways that would not be available in more pleasant situations. It is in many ways transforming the experience of uncertainty and anxiety into a conscious awareness of what is good even in knowing that bad things can always happen.

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      • Hi James,

        Thanks for responding. And yes, I did read your impressive bio including the six children, but wasn’t aware one is a newborn. But, having six children is quite enough of a challenge in itself regardless since I found having one overwhelming at times with a stressful full time job. I did acknowledge you might not have the time to read the Lewis material now just in case I came off as a hard hearted sadist! Ha Ha I am amazed at all you do and you are certainly an inspiration to us all as I said with your feat of enduring the cold to complete your run. You certainly practice what you preach so one can’t make excuses after reading your article. I’m smiling and chuckling as I write this and ponder a new membership to the gym, ongoing dieting, etc.

        I just wanted to make sure you saw the information I left about Lewis since you expressed an interest and because he is such a spiritual giant. The links I provided provide an opportunity to just sample some of his great works with very inspiring brief excerpts. I don’t want to overwhelm you too much since that might mean you won’t have time to write more of your great, inspiring articles.

        Congratulations on your new addition to your family.

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