October 1st, 2020 by Hannah E

Today I am 27.

I spent many years of my life in a very dark place. I spent many years suffering without truly understanding why. It all came to a head and exploded. My nervous system crashed and I was no longer living in homeostasis.

I knew something was coming. I knew it was dark. I could feel it and it made me tremble. It even woke me up out of my sleep. It was like a box I have been trying to keep shut was inevitably about to open. I had no choice but to deal with it. It was time.

Our bodies have such an innate intelligence. Kind of how someone will let you know when it’s their time. They will start getting rid of things or gifting sentimental things to their loved ones. Maybe they will start telling you things and giving advice they never would before.

Today, I think of 27 and I see something different than before. This body I’m living in, it loves me and it’s fighting for me to heal every millisecond of every day. The girl who once just wanted everything to end, has now done everything in her power to survive. Never understanding why I felt the way I always did… I now understand why.

The box that came open and brought me to my knees in tremendous pain, has lead me to my strength and to my core. I can feel what it’s like to be this extremely sensitive, but not so fragile human again. I lost that ability long ago and it confused my entire life. I can not only see who I am, but I can feel it now.

I’m relearning what it’s like to be truly me and I’m relearning how to cope with the world and my surroundings. I’m able to appreciate the beauty every day has to offer and immerse myself in it. I can feel the pain in the world. It really affects every part of me and I mean every part.

The fog is starting to lift some. I know healing is taking place. It hurts a lot. True healing is painful. True growth is painful. Every part of me has been lifted to the surface to be cleansed of this toxic residue and I mean that literally.

I can feel beauty and I can feel
Love. I can feel truth, finally.


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Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.


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