Friday, July 19, 2019

Comments by Abrianna Peto

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  • There are many fantastic doctors and therapists who specialize in PTSD. That’s where the good ones are, but there are only a handful in any given city. I can’t even find one that specializes in it in Las Vegas.

    You are absolutely correct about sleep. The number one indicator that I’m about to slip into an episode is sleep deprivation. If I haven’t slept a few days, there is a good chance I will become “psychotic.”

    So what do I need most? Sleep, just as you said. Especially when the body is trying to adjust to extreme chemical changes as they mess with all your medications and dosages.

    Im woken up in the middle of the night for blood tests. I’m woken every 15 minutes when a flashlight hits my face.

    If these disruptions didn’t cause me to stay awake – fear did. I was constantly terrified my roommate would awaken and strangle me in my sleep. I was so paranoid people around me were being possessed with demons to kill me. I was too afraid to sleep.

    Finally, I was awoken up for breakfast. If I wanted to sleep, too bad, I was getting locked in the day room to be forced to socialize. I have so many memories of sitting places with so much discomfort and exhaustion. All I wanted to do was lay on the ground. Someone else actually did it one day. I wished I was that brave.

  • Sam I really appreciate your comments. They give me so much hope in humanity. The hardest part of this for me has been apathy. Everyone is too busy to take the time to be understanding. They don’t care that hundreds of thousands of people are being state-sponsored murdered and tortured. You remind me that there are people out there who do care.

    Your description of what a “psychotic disorder” is caused by is very accurate. It has nothing to do with biology. I have done the most of my research on PTSD and I’m working my way through the Cognitive Processing Therapy program. Before the Zoloft induced mania, my only diagnosis was PTSD.

    I’ve really realized in these comments that I do not have a psychotic disorder – and no one really does. I’m remembering years ago, before I became so cynical, that I shared these beliefs. I was just threatened with detention if I ever questioned my diagnosis at any level. Brainwashing to the extreme.

    It’s a very long road. Three years of being lost in psychosis, my trust broken at every turn, constantly feeling like I would either be murdered or snap and kill myself… you don’t experience three years of that and get over it overnight.

    I know it will take me years. Whenever my brain doesn’t have full attention on something I think about something that brings me right back to that memory. Three years, that’s a long time to create related memories while still experiencing trauma.

    Everything I saw, did, read, listened to, etc for three years triggers me.

    Everything about my house is a trigger. I hate living here. The walls remind me of my ex punching them. My driveway reminds me of my cat. The streets remind me of taking my dog for a run. The bathroom reminds me of cutting my arm. The hallway reminds me of drinking so much I almost died of alchohol poisoning. Everything everywhere basically triggers me.

    When I’m triggered I am brought right back the memory that has been triggered. If I think about the moment I was told over the phone that my dog had been adopted – I will start bawling like it just happened yesterday. I don’t escape intensity of pain over time. It feels like it will never stop hurting.

    I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through 40 of years of that and try to recover. I suppose that’s why “Schizophrenics” have such short life spans.

  • Who decides what reality is? In one persons reality there is no God. In another persons reality their are hundreds of Gods. In another there is Jesus and Jehovah. In one persons reality they are a rape victim. While in that rapists reality having sex with a drunk girl is just dandy. Are atheist psychiatrists the best authority to decide what reality is for every patient?

  • They should sit people in a room and give them access to their phone individually for at least 15 minutes once a day. That could be the difference between someone being fired or not. Losing property or not. Losing pets or not. There is no excuse to not offer that to patients, and they don’t offer it anywhere. Yeah there is a risk they will break their own phone, but it isn’t very likely and why do you care if they do? The reason why phones aren’t allowed is both HIPPA and other patients becoming jealous. There are ways around it! But they don’t care.

  • It has been shown in brain scans that what they call PTSD causes changes to the brain. Psychosis may have done the same to mine. I believe the longer I have between “psychotic breaks” my brain goes back to normal and reverses the physical changes. As what they call “Schizophrenics” have different brains as well.

    Their brains literally melt. Is that because of their so called disorder, or the medications they are on? If it is something that happens regularly, why don’t they work to take people off their medications to avoid such damage just in case?

    That schizophrenia program RAISE has a goal to get a person to recover fully without ever needing medication again. That program should be everywhere. Why isn’t it? Money. Likely, the same reason why there is no cure for cancer.

    I don’t know for sure, but I believe the medications I am on are helping me avoid psychotic breaks. Mostly, sleep deprivation quickly causes me to go into severe “psychosis.” Staying on my drug regiment has kept me sleeping 8 hours or more a night for the past year almost entirely. That is life changing for me in a positive way – for now.

    I only take bipolar related medications before sleeping at night. When I took them in the morning I couldn’t function. No one could have functioned at the dosages I was on. Which means I couldn’t return to full-time work. Working full-time also keeps me present mentally in day to day life and helps me avoid “psychosis.”

    When they kept me on a morning dose of medications for a year, I could not function at all. They took another year away from my recovery when they did that, and they did so for money. I asked every appointment: “I can’t work. I need to change my medications so I can work!” And the doctor would say to me, “Just a little longer. You don’t want to go back to a mental hospital, do you?”

    Treatment was always forced with threats.

    I went back three times anyways. Because I was unable to work and keep my mind out of so called “delusions.”

    I pray everyday that I will be able to go off medications someday and sleep on my own again. I may have a “bipolar brain” right now, but someday I won’t have it again.

    I had incredible difficulty sleeping consistently in high school, which was the only reason why I did poorly. I believe that was due to the environment I was in. I’ve feared for my life my entire life. Except between the ages 18-21 when I slept consistently on no medications whatsoever. Which is why I know I am capable of not living on them now.

    With my husband, I feel safe again. I hope I will be able to sleep again now. The constant nightmares are tiresome though.

    As far as psychotic disorders – were those people born with those brains or forced into them? I think the latter is the truth. And that anyone diagnosed with one of these “mental disorders” can completely recover from them. Telling them that they must be medicated for the rest of their lives is also a crime. Telling people their brains are inherently bad is a crime.

    People can’t stand the medication. But they can’t stand “psychosis.” When they are told the only way to ever function is medication and they will never fully recover – they kill themselves. There is no hope. I wanted to die.

    I am aware I have a different brain. I can draw anything from my imagination. I can write entire books in a couple of weeks. I started a business with no help that at one point was worth a million dollars. I love my brain. I miss my brain. I will get my brain back, just the way God made it for me.

  • Someone was almost fired for secretly giving me a pen to draw and write with. He told me to keep it on me 24-7 and not let anyone see me with it or especially let another patient get it. A social worker saw me with it and took it away from me. I wouldn’t tell them who it was but I think they figured it out. I can’t imagine what would happen to a staff member who let a patient have a phone!

    However, staff was allowed to have phones on the unit usually. The nice ones played music. There was always a couple of really nice staff members, and they are amazing people. To be a good person and continue to work in such a horrible place, witnessing atrocities every day, but staying there to help. That is aspiring. I drew pictures of every nurse practitioner that was good to me. I will treasure their memories and the hope in humanity they gave me at the most critical moments.

    However, during my third hospitalization, I did not have such a staff member. Nothing is harder than going it alone in there. That was my most critical hospitalization and no one was there for me. I was completely alone.

    Taking and posting a video yourself would violate HIPPA and you would likely go to jail. I suppose you could try blurring out their faces, but it is still hazy. And if the hospital can prosecute you they will do everything in their power to do so (and keep any other videos from ever surfacing).

    I think security video cameras in jails and hospitals should be monitored by a third party outside of the hospital.

  • I was that woman during one of my hospitalizations. Before being injected they had be on “one on one” observation. There was a nurse dedicated to watching me. Did she attempt to talk to me? No. She just told me over and over again to stay in my room. I wasn’t worth talking to. My psychosis wasn’t important enough to be understood. I was probably a “drug addict” and didn’t deserve help in the first place (according to them, drug addicts are just as good and as entitled to help as anyone else, but that doesn’t change the fact that staff treats them with extra disdain).

  • I appreciate this article so, so much. I don’t understand how the bulk of the staff observes all of this and thinks it is okay. Where are all the articles of these staff members speaking out? Finally, here is one. And it is so very well written. I can attest as a patient that this article is entirely true. At least for most hospitals. Was the hospital UHS by chance?

  • You are basically telling the same story of my life and how my family initially reacted to my condition. I too went to jail over nothing where I was forced into psychosis more than I ever would have been naturally. The difference is you stuck by her side instead of giving up and writing her off as crazy/useless as my family did. You did nothing wrong, my family was misled and they gave up. You didn’t give up. You are a great person and you likely saved her life.

  • I really do hope that these issues are simply a construct of society and that I have nothing biologically wrong with me. However, it has been shown that what they call PTSD causes changes to the brain. Psychosis may have done the same to mine. I believe the longer I have between “psychotic breaks” my brain goes back to normal and reverses the physical changes. As what they call “Schizophrenics” have different brains as well.

    Their brains literally melt. Is that because of their so called disorder, or the medications they are on? If it is something that happens regularly, why don’t they work to take people off their medications to avoid such damage just in case?

    That schizophrenia program RAISE has a goal to get a person to recover fully without ever needing medication again. That program should be everywhere. Why isn’t it? Money. Likely, the same reason why there is no cure for cancer.

    I don’t know for sure, but I believe the medications I am on are helping me avoid psychotic breaks. Mostly, sleep deprivation quickly causes me to go into severe “psychosis.” Staying on my drug regiment has kept me sleeping 8 hours or more a night for the past year almost entirely. That is life changing for me in a positive way – for now.

    I only take bipolar related medications before sleeping at night. When I took them in the morning I couldn’t function. No one could have functioned at the dosages I was on. Which means I couldn’t return to full-time work. Working full-time also keeps me present mentally in day to day life and helps me avoid “psychosis.”

    When they kept me on a morning dose of medications for a year, I could not function at all. They took another year away from my recovery when they did that, and they did so for money. I asked every appointment: “I can’t work. I need to change my medications so I can work!” And the doctor would say to me, “Just a little longer. You don’t want to go back to a mental hospital, do you?”

    Well I went back three times anyways. Because I was unable to work and keep my mind out of so called “delusions.”

    I pray everyday that I will be able to go off medications someday and sleep on my own again. I may have a “bipolar brain” right now, but someday I won’t have it again. I had incredible difficulty sleeping consistently in high school, which was the only reason why I did poorly. I believe that was due to the environment I was in. I’ve feared for my life my entire life. Except between the ages 18-21 when I slept consistently on no medications whatsoever. Which is why I know I am capable of not living on them now.

    With my husband, I feel safe again. I hope I will be able to sleep again now. The constant nightmares are tiresome though.

    As far as psychotic disorders – were those people born with those brains or forced into them? I think the latter is the truth. And that anyone diagnosed with one of these “mental disorders” can completely recover from them. Telling them that they must be medicated for the rest of their lives is also a crime. Telling people their brains are inherently bad is a crime.

    People can’t stand the medication. But they can’t stand “psychosis.” When they are told the only way to ever function is medication and they will never fully recover – they kill themselves. There is no hope. I wanted to die.

    I am aware I have a different brain. I can draw anything from my imagination. I can write entire books in a couple of weeks. I started a business with no help that at one point was worth a million dollars. I love my brain. I miss my brain. I will get my brain back, just the way God made it for me.

  • They shouldn’t exist but they do. They aren’t going to go away. So in the mean time, we should make them as bearable as possible. Plus, we will always need something. People are sometimes at risk to themselves or others and they do need to be held somewhere temporarily where they can’t hurt themselves so they can calm down. So we need these solutions, because we are always going to need some type of facility.

  • Thank you so much for all the comments. I really appreciate it. This is just the start and I have a long way to go from here, but I have had the drive to do great things in the past and I have no doubt I can accomplish something now. This has been a great learning experience for me and will definitely effect how I approach the subject in the future.

  • Before I was 22 years old I had no mental health problems. I had been in a three year long relationship with a great man that ended amicably. I owned a house and a business that was valued at 1 million dollars (it’s worth $200,000). And now I have somewhat bounced back and I’m happily married with no personal issues. I completely blame all of what happened to me on the system. I was psychotic and I abused into psychosis again and again. You can’t punish someone out of psychosis. I am bipolar and that’s it.

  • I understand the reason why people were upset. It appeared that I write off every person I don’t like as personality disordered. I can understand that people who had been written off that way in the past would be hurt by knowing more people in the world exist that do such a thing. What I met by personality disordered was that it was in the literal sense: they displayed abusive behavior that didn’t make sense to me. We shouldn’t ever assume that all people who act in such ways have a personality disorder or that if they do have one they don’t deserve equal treatment. Most people with behavior that doesn’t make sense are that way because they were abused in their past (especially in childhood) and it isn’t their fault.

    No one should be labeled and then thrown away. Everyone deserves as much opportunity as possible to become healthy. The DSM may have some correct definitions inside of it, but it is used in a truly evil way by the mental health profession. I have used it to make more sense out of my abusive family and understand better how to handle their abuse. I think using it in that way with the guidance of a therapist can good if done correctly with months of talking about it. But a therapist hastily using it to decide whether or not a patient is worth saving is abhorrent. I know that is how it is usually used and that this is terrible.

    I am sure plenty of my doctors and therapists have thought I had a personality disorder and was malingering as well – even if they didn’t say so. In fact, I know of one who certainly did. I was in a PHP program and he began to treat me awful. I knew he was quick to diagnose people with personality disorders without knowing them very well – but he wouldn’t say so. I could tell because I knew so much about personality disorders. You could just tell by the way he treated people. He did it to others in the program that I knew didn’t have a disorder.

    He didn’t bother to understand my story: That during my first psychotic break I was hospitalized, then in abuse in jail five days, then released and immediately hospitalized again where I lost my dog. This led me to meeting my abusive meth addicted ex-boyfriend in a partial hospitalization program.

    He then abused me for six months, including chocking me several times, handcuffing me to a bed for days at a time, and stealing over $80,000 that was mostly saved to pay taxes that I will likely be in debt to for many many years.

    Then I was suicidally depressed for 8 months where every day I wanted to be dead and I was only waiting for my life insurance to be two years old (it was a couple months away) so my nieces could get the pay out as it was the only way I would feel okay about abandoning them.

    Then when I started to recover, I chose to enter another PHP with this particular therapist because I had met him in my very first hospitalization and he was very good to me and I trusted him. After he threw me out of the program, I felt like I could never trust anyone again because yet another person I trusted had betrayed me.

    I then I had four more hospitalizations and two suicide attempts. Cutting my arm so badly I have a 5 inch long scar on my arm and another time drinking into so much excess one night that I nearly died from alcohol poisoning. Which both led to two more hospitalizations where I was abused again.

    During that time my business was attacked with negative SEO and taken off Google. This forced me to fire all five of my employees this year and try to continue to recover from all of this while running an entire business by myself. I lost an additional $45k and now have no money whatsoever.

    He didn’t care to understand my story. He labeled me and threw me out of the PHP program when I was one of the patients in the most precarious situations. I had a psychotic break a month or so after and was again abused in another mental hospital.

    If I had been safely monitored in the PHP program as I should have been, I believe I would have recovered 1.5 years ago. I understand completely how labeling people personality disordered ruins lives.

  • Also I’m not trying to excuse my poor attitude here. But it was my initial reaction for being immediately attacked for what I wrote. As I was told my story didn’t even deserve to be read because of one of the many problems I pointed out. If people had been a little bit nicer and trying to teach me I would have reacted better. The way I reacted and the things I said aren’t what I truly believe. I was just upset.

  • I also agree that the DSM is completely used in the incorrect way. It does more harm than good. But that doesn’t mean all the definitions inside of it are wrong (imo) but are used in terrible ways by the mental health system. It should be a lot more important to consider each patients story and their needs because of it, not relaying on a book and treating them as if they are all the same. The majority of therapists and psychiatrists do just that and leave humanity out of treatment. It’s cookie cut, and it’s wrong.

  • I also agree that the DSM is completely used in the incorrect way. It does more harm than good. But that doesn’t mean all the definitions inside of it are wrong (imo) but are used in terrible ways by the mental health system. It should be a lot more important to consider each patients story and their needs because of it, not relaying on a book and treating them as if they are all the same. The majority of therapists and psychiatrists do just that and leave humanity out of treatment. It’s cookie cut, and it’s wrong.

  • I am really fortunate for my husband. He is experienced with this stuff because “mental illness” runs in his family. His uncle even killed himself. When I went psychotic last April the way he handled it was so much better than anyone ever had. Everyone always tells me my entire “delusion” is false. Which is incredibly embarrassing, so it makes me double down.

    He believed me to a degree and worked with me on ways to keep me more secure. For example, the psychotic break was driven by my fear of my ex-boyfriend coming back. So he bought a kick plate for the door and we installed a security system on all the windows. He told me that our dog is part pitbull and anyone that comes through that door is going to get their throat ripped out by him (lol).

    The other delusions were related to the government because my ex was rich and had convinced me he worked with the CIA. I thought the CIA had been breaking in and doing things to make me feel crazy. Like for example, steal all my underwear lol. He found all my underwear and put it in a pile to show me that it wasn’t true. I thought the CIA was following us and he acted like it might be possible but showed me that it was safe. I find it really funny now, though I was embarrassed about it the immediate months following. He never made a joke about it until I did. I can’t say more to explain this fear of my ex in case he reads this. If I expose him completely he might really kill me.

    What’s really important about my ex is that he was a meth addict I met in a partial hospitalization program. So you can see how being exposed to such patients is incredibly dangerous for vulnerable people like me. I used to be open minded about drug addicts in mental hospitals. Now I am very afraid of them for good reasons.

    The point is that normally I am shamed to the point that I feel like I must believe my delusions more to get people to believe me because I don’t want to be crazy as they say. He didn’t do that to me. I recovered much more quickly and it might have been my last psychotic break.

    His family is also Mormon. I was raised in Utah. My Mormon dad died when I was young and I always wanted to continue following that faith. But my family ridiculed me for believing in God at all. (They had a different Father). His family is very Mormon and I finally feel at home with them and not feel crazy for believing in God. The most important part of recovery for someone who is “mentally ill” is their support system out of hospitals. Which is why family meetings and family therapy while someone is hospitalized is even more important than separating the patients. They can get out faster and then it matters less who they were locked up with. Right now, they offer little or no such service.

  • I really don’t want them written off as hopeless. At all. Just that there should be emergency rehabs and emergency mood disorder facilities. More importantly, that people should never be held more than 72 hours so they aren’t forced to live with abusive patients for weeks. I just don’t think the latter is possible anytime soon and the only thing we can ask for is the first solution for now.

    In fact, they are trying to change the wording on the law from “A danger to themselves or others.” To something more vague like “Mental Health Crisis.” When they were already doing that, but now they want to make it legal. We are moving absolutely in the wrong direction and it is terrifying. I would rather die than spend another two weeks locked up with that majority of patients who are abusive.

    And it could happen. I had another psychotic break in April. It’s the anniversary of that third hospitalization and my abuse in jail where I lost my dog. It’s also my birthday which has been forever ruined. I called the police because I was afraid my abusive ex-boyfriend (who I met in a PHP) was coming back. Which I had a good reason for fearing as he had been following me again.

    Due to the history of my address (many phone calls that led to hospitalizations) they took me straight to a mental hospital. I only spent five days in. But one of the patients completely had it out for me when I defending this young girl from her emotional attacks. She was turning the entire ward against me and I really feared for my life. The two patients that became my friends tried to get me to become a drug dealer upon release.

    They only released me faster this time because: I wasn’t in a UHS hospital. I had a husband that was willing to say he could take care of me. Every other time I was held for so long because I didn’t have anyone who said they would support me upon release.

  • I’m not an authority. I’ve done a lot of research into the subject, but I never would have expressed my personal opinion on the matter if everyone hadn’t honed in on that sentence. In the end I believe they think that most of 75% of the hospital doesn’t deserve to be called out for abusing most of the 25%. It has nothing to do with personality disorder. Just that using mental hospitals as forced rehabs is really harmful for the patients there with mood disorders.

  • Yeah and that’s what I am trying to change by saying two groups of people should be separated as a general rule. It’s not perfect but it’s the only solution I can think of to prevent this in most hospitals – while people are being held for weeks at a time. The real problem is over population that keeps mental hospitals from being able to organize patients properly and the slowness to move people to facilities that better match their treatment plans. Such as PHP and rehabs.

  • Many people here have said that my entire story doesn’t matter because of my personal definition of personality disorders. I wish this would have been caught before we posted this article to avoid this reaction. What other people are saying is personality disordered is not what I agree with. Many words have been forced into my mouth.

  • I’m not sure where the other commentor is located. I live in Las Vegas, NV, so that has given me a distorted perspective on mental hospitals! I also went to one in Salt Lake City, Ut that was actually more abusive then any of my other hospitalizations (the hospitalization right after this one when I lost my dog). So I assume it happens in most major cities. A lot of people go to small city or small town hospitals and don’t realize that the larger number of people going to city hospitals are in a much different kind of program.

    There is a very vulnerable group of people in mental hospitals. The other patients have been exposed to this kind of cruelty and learned how to deal with it. A patient that hasn’t been exposed to it before is exposed to it at one of the most critical times in there life. There is a class of patients that needs higher protection than the other patients do. It doesn’t mean they are “better than” the other people, it just means they are more vulnerable.

  • Well, in my opinion, really the point of the diagnosis’s is that when you look at a large group of people with similar problems, you can use use your successes treating some of those people and try the same treatments on others.

    Mental health will always be subjective. Unfortunately, in mental hospitals diagnosis’s are pushed on people without near enough time to AT ALL to actually diagnose a person with that problem.

    Mental hospitals also cause so much harm that people are too disgusted or afraid to talk to a real therapist. And then if they do talk to one, there is a good chance they will be a bad one and it will turn them away even more.

    Mental hospitals also give people the bare minimum to understanding these diagnosis’s so suddenly they feel capable of discerning someone with them when they don’t.

    The reason why those diagnosis’s are pushed isn’t even to help the person at all. They know it just hurts people. The diagnosis is only used to justify to the insurance company why the person was there. Once again, it all comes down to money.

    The mental health industry is incredibly corrupt and perverted. I think throwing more money on it just keeps making it even worse! Attracting the wrong kind of people to the profession! People always say we aren’t spending enough money. We spend 200 billion dollars a year. The real problem, is that people do not have awareness. People are completely uneducated on these issues. And it’s hard to educate people because there is so much misinformation.

    However, I have read the DSM a few times since I was a teenager. I grew up with text book narcissistic siblings and it really helped me learn how to cope with their issues. I think the point of personality disorder diagnosis is really for other people to learn what drives such a person and how to handle it.

    Lot’s of people mis-diagnose others, however, and then treat them incorrectly. Most therapists will tell you not to label a person anything until they have talked with you at length about it and offered solutions to talk to said person and figure out if they actually meet the criteria. I did that as a teenager and it helped me cope with my family. These diagnosis’s can help people.

    However, I do agree that they hurt much more than they help at this time.

  • Exactly. I agree. I miss worded it in the article, but one paragraph out of context shouldn’t have spurred on 200+ comments discussing that one paragraph alone.

    I have researched personality disorders to a great extent. I forget that the average laymen doesn’t know the history of them and that everyone is basically sensitive about the subject one way or another. My beliefs on the subject should have been kept to myself. As they are personal and based on research I didn’t have the room to explain the article.

    I should have worded it differently but the point was: there are two kinds of patients in mental hospitals and we need to figure out a way to separate them.

    But more importantly, people should only be kept 72 hours so it doesn’t really matter much in the first place. This matters because they are housed together for weeks at a time.

    You can imagine how damaging it is for an teenager experiencing their first crisis to be placed in a room full of 30 year old drug addicts for two weeks, with some of the people hoping to sell them drugs upon release.

  • You’re fighting hostility with hostility. Be the better person and maybe I will follow suit. This was sensitive topic to me personally. It should not be very sensitive to anyone else – especially when I got no support. I responded to personal attacks hastily. I wish I could start over again and be the better person about all of this.

  • No. If you want me to play the cards I’m not allowed to play: I had two best friends in high school. One who was a legal immigrant from Peru and the other one was a black girl from Georgia. I learned a ton about their cultures and loved them for it. I saw the racism they experienced and was angered by it. I am not a racist and it is wrong to assume I am because of political views that have nothing to do with race.

  • It was much more hurtful to me than anyone else here. First, everyone else here was supported by everyone, and I was only supported by two people. This was my first time sharing any part of my story. I don’t think you understand the implications or impact this will have on my life. All because I offended some people, I have been mercilessly attacked and scared into not sharing any part of my story in the future.

    I have said: I don’t think that drug addicts deserve worse treatment. Just separate treatment. I do believe drug addicts have suffered just as badly as me – in fact much worse in many instances (which is what I learned in jail). I do not blame drug addicts for their conditions. I have no ill will for the personality disordered and only wish that they received the treatment they deserve to better recover.

    Everyone here is telling me what I believe. I know what I believe. I know what the messages I were really trying to convey are. It is patronizing to tell me what I believe based on how you interpreted the story.

  • Since everyone hates me so much I don’t really feel like posting an excerpt from this other story as planned. Judge me all you want, but I won’t really feel judged until you read the worst of my abuse and still judge me.

    https://www.toomuchblood.com/the-chapter-of-bree.html

    Here’s an excerpt that is related.

    “We traversed to a building with 50 men and women in jump suits. There were two small rooms where virtual court was held. I sat upon a table where without three days of sleep, I struggled to be consciences but was too uncomfortable to sleep. And I did lose consciousness for moments at a time.

    The stench of my body was radiating, and I believed the detainees would see me in contempt. But they asked what I had done, and I said unto them that I drew with chalk on Fremont Street.

    And they did believe me as they too had been wronged. Yet they were astounded. And seeing my bagged eyes, matted hair, bruises upon my appendages and the stench they knew what I had suffered thus far.

    And one did smell as I did and look as I did. And I asked her why she was there. And she said unto me that it was for a spoon. She too was unable to speak. She showed the paperwork she held. And it said she was with drug paraphernalia and described it as a spoon and rubber band. And I saw the tortured soul in front of me and I asked, this is how they wish to treat drug addiction?”

  • Do you guys understand the hypocrisy? You’re telling me to judge that psychiatrists are more likely to horrible because we have encountered many horrible ones – while expecting me to not say drug addicts are more likely to be abusive despite me having encountered many horrible ones. I’m not trying to generalize either group. But obviously it is okay to somewhat generalize or we couldn’t have much constructive conversation.

  • I know some therapists really well. They have told me that they take the longest time to diagnose someone with a personality disorder and always start with simply trying to give them help, then testing treatments for other disorders, and only resort to that type of label/treatment when all of the above fails. It’s like a last resort for them because they also know that the label won’t help someone even if they do have one.

    Certainly, there are therapists who irrationally label someone with a personality disorder and throw them away. It has happened to me once. But that doesn’t mean all therapists are that way. The proper way to do it is after years of therapy. Therapy that most truly personality disordered people will not stick with long enough to be diagnosed. Which is part of the reason why these diagnosis’s are so rare. The other reason is that personality disorders are rare.

    I know I need my therapist. I know I need to trust my therapist. I had to go through almost every therapist in Las Vegas to find one decent one I could build a relationship with. He has helped me. Especially with these generalizations against my abusers.

  • I’m in a tough situation. The liberals will hate me because I say anything negative about certain drug addicts. The right will hate me for not being a perfectly healthy independent person and they will assume I deserved everything that happened to me for that.

    I don’t know if I will ever get any sort of real support. But I won’t ever stop trying to make this system change.

  • I never said I judged the girl with DID. I felt horrible for her and can barely imagine the horrors she has experienced in her life. I gave her my clothes. I was so nice to her that she even switched to a really nice personality on the third day and we finally got to talk like people. I was the only person who she did this with as the rest of the patients and staff were completely horrible to her. I stuck up for her. I am not a bad person and nor was I bad person in mental hospitals or closed minded. I never did anything to ask for the abuse.

    None of that changes the fact that in those first days she was horrible to me, made me more psychotic, and I was scared for my life every minute I spent alone with her. There is nothing personal about being afraid of someone who is scary just because they too are a victim. I still liked her in the end. I still didn’t judge her for anything she did.

    My only real complaint is that the staff made anyone live with her in the state she was in. It wasn’t just bad for me, it was bad for her too. She needed to be alone. It wasn’t fair that she couldn’t stabilize from her psychosis in a private room. As I got to see her in an embarrassing state. Almost any of the other patients – if they had been in that room, would have yelled at her, called her names, etc.

    Fortunately, when I was just as psychotic in future stays, I was allotted a private room until I stabilized. It was a terrible crime to not give that opportunity to her. If someone had lived that closely with me when I was that out of my mind (as I was in the future) I would have been absolutely mortified.

    I think I did something very good for her. And I am proud for how strong I was to do so at that time. She needed a friend and I provided her with one. I wish someone had done that for me when I was in the same state in the future.

    Comments like this are helpful for the conversation. It actually gives me the chance to explain something regarding a specific issue in the 12,000 words. If I had attempted to take the time to explain the individual cases – including the parts where I was very kind, nice, and liked people that even abused me, this story would have been 24,000 words long. That’s why we have comments. To be able to clarify and add context to the story.

    Instead everyone here made assumptions about me and my words without talking to me first. They didn’t talk about something specific so we could have a constructive conversation. They just said incredibly hurtful personal attacks. They generalized ME.

    Honestly after this I am too embarrassed and stigmatized to be able to stay here and learn anything. Maybe if the community had been gentle and less judgmental I could have stayed and learned more. However, I have been active here under a different account before I wrote this story. And I definitely won’t be sharing that username if it would be connected with the atrocity of the response to my story.

    I was brave for writing what I did.

  • I highly doubt any of you have stayed in a mental hospital. Yet you are judging someone who is stayed in ten and experienced the same thing from the same type of patients every time. Take the time to realize evil exists in the world and there is no excuse for it.

    Do you really agree that drug addicts being forced to detox should be housed closely with psychotic people who have never done a drug?

  • Well this article was never meant to discuss personality disorders. The people that abused me certainly had disordered personalities in the literal sense. Or they wouldn’t have been so cruel and sadistic. That doesn’t mean that every drug addict there is this way. But the ones who abused me? Yeah they have crappy personalities.

    And I should have made it more clear in the article that not every drug addict there is this way. But the entire response to my post should not have been about scrutinizing three sentences. So it shouldn’t have been so important for me to articulate one anecdote perfectly.

  • Also everyone had seemingly glossed over the most important sentence. They are drug addicts detoxing against there will.

    Everyone seems to think they are just nice people checking themselves in for help. Almost no addicts check in voluntarily – if they were, they would go to a rehab.

    I never met a single one that had checked themselves in. Mood disordered people did all the time. Not the drug addicts in the psych ward.

    Mental hospitals are now forcible rehabs. That’s 75% of what they do. A drug addict not looking for help is a much different kind of person than one that is. They are in general going to be abusive people.

    I don’t understand how this community can disagree. What you are doing is not believing a victim. You’re not recognizing who committed the crime and how they are responsible for it. You are completely invaladating me as a survivor of two suicide attempts – due these abuses I experienced.

  • This is regarding my personal story, I was mostly abused by my fellow patients. Specifically, drug addicts that were there detoxing against their will. So what I hope to help achieve by writing this article is preventing that abuse. That is *one* of the goals of this particular article.

    Of course, drug addicts are also abused. Of course, all mental hospitals should be completely revamped to end that abuse for both types of patients. I have made it clear that mental hospitals need to be changed in many ways to help both patients. But because of what happened to me, I think we should start by organizing these two types of patients into two different facilities.

    I also made many other suggestions based on my experiences that were completely ignored.

  • My post here was only written to help other people in the same situation as me.

    The 25% of patients in mental hospitals that are subjected to the abuse of the other 75%. That is who I am trying to give a voice to. We aren’t allowed to have a voice because of people like you.

    Clearly, there is still far more support for that 75% than the 25%.

  • 75% of the mental hospitals are drug addicts. I never met a single one of them that was there voluntarily. They aren’t there seeking help. It’s being forced on them and they don’t want it. That 75% is abusing the 25% like me. I’m just trying to give that 25% a voice. I’m just trying to stand up against our abusers.

  • You wanna know what sucks? After spending years of my life working myself up to writing and publicizing this article, just one paragraph derailed it.

    “The majority of the patients — correction, detainees — were drug addicts being detoxed against their will. These people don’t have mental disorders, they have personality disorders. Which means they are manipulative, sadistic, dishonest, violent and emotional.”

    One paragraph and my entire story is invalid. One paragraph and almost all of 110 comments discusses it – and only it. I put so much work into it but it was all for nothing.

  • I do agree that the term personality disorder should be left out of my future comments and posts because it is apparently a very sensitive subject here. If I had known I would not have broached the subject. I just have to explain myself retro-actively because I have been so attacked before anyone took the time to figure out what I actually believe. Most people here decided what I believe without knowing me very well.

  • I never called you borderline, so I don’t know why you feel personally attacked.

    Too Much Blood would mean that many people have killed themselves or been murdered because of the things I discuss. There has been too much blood. We need to learn how to talk with each other civilly instead of attacking each other. That’s the point of the website.

    It’s in my story because I was majorly abused by the mean people in mental hospitals that don’t belong there. The doctors and the therapists put me there but I was abused by those people the most. They convinced me more into my delusions. They made me more paranoid. If they hadn’t been in the hospitals, I would have recovered 3 years ago. None of this would have happened. They are who I am a victim of.