Ten Hospitalizations in Three Years


Hi. I’m a 25-year-old newlywed woman. I’ve been detained in mental hospitals ten times in the past three years and I survived two suicide attempts. Before I was 22, I had no mental health issues.

The first time I was in a mental hospital, I put myself there. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn’t want to kill my niece’s aunt. So, I put down the shotgun and picked up a phone.

The suicide hotline referred me to Seven Hills Hospital in Las Vegas, NV. I agreed to bring myself in for a consultation. I didn’t know then that had I refused to come in for the consult, there was a good chance the police would be sent to my house.

My main memory of the hospitalization was crying. A lot. Constantly. Now, I’ve become emotionless. I can’t imagine caring about something so much it would make me cry.

Now, I have almost nothing left to care about.

At the time, my forehead was swollen with acne. It was so intense it felt like a third-degree burn. That’s what happens when you’re only able to sleep a couple of times a week.

I found the other patients more relatable than any peer group I had ever been a part of. One of my closest friends was a young overweight man in a wheelchair. Eventually I asked why he was in the wheelchair. He was currently hallucinating so badly that he couldn’t stand. He told me he was schizophrenic, and I was fascinated.

“What’s it like?” I asked.

“I wish I could explain,” he responded.

“Well, what kind of things do you hallucinate?”

“You see that wall behind you?”

I looked over my shoulder.

He said, “It’s melting.”

Then he asked, “Why are you here?”

“I’m suicidal.”

We had the freedom to say anything we wanted. Thanks to HIPAA laws, it was illegal for us to reveal the identity of anyone we had met there. I only got therapy talking to the other patients, I did not receive any meaningful therapy from the hospital. Even though I got therapy from some patients, other patients were dangerous for me to talk to. They would trick me, for amusement, into further believing in my delusions, for example.

I wasn’t embarrassed during that hospitalization: almost everyone was in the same boat. I wasn’t afraid of losing my reputation. I could finally just speak.

My friend understandably opted not to ask why I was suicidal and changed the subject.

“What do you do?”

“I own a business.”

“Wow, really?”

I nodded my head and looked down.

“How well does it do?”

“I have five employees.”

He just stared at me for several seconds and smiled.

“What business?”

“I can’t say.”

“What do you do?”

“We manufacture patches for the police and stuff.”

“No way! Didn’t you say you were only 22?”


“What are you doing here? If I had a business, a way to make my own money, I wouldn’t be here.”

I felt ashamed. I had everything going for me. I had spent the last ten years of my life transforming from the destitute fat kid to a martial artist with impeccable health. I owned a house. I had a six-figure income.

But I knew exactly why I was there. The shame quickly melted into grief and I started crying again.

He didn’t say anything else. I cried all the time and he was used to it.

I received an incorrect perception of the mental hospital. I liked it and it was helping me — I didn’t realize how much it was hurting the people around me until much later.

I was diagnosed with psychotic depression. After five days, I finally felt stable enough to check myself out. I had never been there by force, as far as I knew.

When the psychiatrist prescribed me Zoloft, he did not warn me that it could cause a manic episode.

So my second hospitalization was a disaster.

There are two wards in a mental hospital: the psychotic ward (“upstairs”) and the suicidal/depressed ward (“downstairs”). My first time in a mental hospital we heard loud noises coming from the ceiling all the time.

I asked, “What is going on up there?”

They said, “Upstairs is for the truly crazy people.”

The second hospital was called Desert Parkway in Las Vegas. The rule about upstairs and downstairs was the same. I was upstairs. I would finally learn what it was really like.

Everything was different.

No one was there by choice (including me). Most had been brought in by the police (some even facing charges). A couple people were forcibly committed by their family.

My mom had committed me because a month after my first hospitalization, my Zoloft dose was doubled and I was sent into an incredibly intense manic episode. I had driven from my brother’s place in Utah to my house in Las Vegas. I was convinced that God was talking to me through everyone and everything. That I was the next prophet of Mormonism. I sped with my hands off the wheel of my car, “trusting God to keep me safe.”

I also believed that demons were following me and inserting thoughts into people nearby. I thought they were forcing people to try and kill, hurt, or kidnap me. Since I was later kidnapped (not that anyone believes me) maybe it was true, on some level.

Psychiatry is atheistic. Which makes it incredibly difficult for religious people to navigate. You are told that everything you have ever believed in is delusional, not just the parts that are negatively affecting your life.

Well thank God he really was looking out and I didn’t die driving back.

The manic episode was my first and it was induced by Zoloft. The doctors knew I might be bipolar and if so, the Zoloft could cause this. But they had not warned me or my family.

If they had, my family would have easily seen the warning signs for an incoming manic episode and had me see a psychiatrist on the outside to be weaned off and get emergency therapy — before it got that bad.

But they didn’t inform us. They do that on purpose because they want people sick.

This time I was in the psychotic ward. Everyone there was enraged.

Many had been held there for over two weeks against their will. There were only three phones and 25-35 adults were fighting over them during the few hours of the day we had access to them. Because people there were losing pets, cars, houses, jobs, personal property, airplane flights, and more. And everyone NEEDED the phone.

The majority of the patients — correction, detainees — were substance abusers being detoxed against their will. All patients in mental hospitals truly are detainees. What I have seen in hospital after hospital (and in statistics too) is that roughly 75% of all patients in mental hospitals are substance abusers, with only a quarter of that 75% diagnosed with just a mood disorder. That leaves the other 25% completely at the substance abusers’ mercy.

For the most part, people don’t check themselves themselves in to hospitals. Substance abusers forced into treatment generally aren’t nice people. They can be sadistic, manipulative, and violent. That doesn’t mean they are worse people or that they don’t deserve treatment. However, their treatment should be separated from people with just mood disorders as they are incredibly vulnerable. These are the worst two groups of people to house together for weeks at a time.

Often, that 25% is turned into substance abusers upon release. I was offered illegal drugs by at least one patient during each hospitalization: cocaine, meth, heroin, and more. In one hospitalization, two of the patients became my friends. I told them I was a web designer and they tried to convince me to create a website to sell drugs on. When I am psychotic, I am so easy to manipulate. Fortunately I didn’t try any illegal substances, but I know many people ended up doing so. Which is why a quarter of the substance abusers have a mood disorder as well. I fully believe that the drug epidemic is mostly caused by mental institutions.

Group therapy largely consisted of alcohol and substance abuse discussions. I had no issues with addiction, but there wasn’t an alternative group to attend. These discussions were also aimed toward personality disorder therapy rather than therapy for psychosis (each should be approached in complete opposite ways).

My largest qualm: we weren’t allowed pens. Which is understandable. They provided tiny wooden golf pencils as an alternative at every hospital I ever went to. Even that I could consent to (I did not want a psychotic person there to stab me with a pen or a long pencil).

Sometimes there was a big box of assorted washable Crayola markets. However, most of the thin-tip markers had been taken and hidden in other patients’ rooms because there wasn’t enough for everyone. It’s pretty impossible to write or draw anything with the big fat broadline markers. Anyway, most of the dark colors like purple, brown and black were either dried up or missing.

So we had pencils. They refused to sharpen the pencils. So, we had no way to write or do art. In desperation I sometimes picked out pieces of lead from the pencil and sharpened them by rubbing their sides against paper, until the pencil was finally somewhat usable.

I desperately need to write and draw while manic, or I can’t sleep and will even start tearing my hair out. This could be easily remedied — they have specially designed bendy pens for prisoners. Apparently, prisons are better equipped to give detainees more comfort than the hospitals are. Which is unacceptable when you consider that the hospitals are paid thousands of dollars a day for you to be there.

Thousands of dollars and they can’t afford to give you a $5 pen.

We only got one hour of recreational therapy a day. Some days it was an hour in the art room, other days it was an hour in the gym. Aside from the gym we were in cramped hallways and a small dayroom. We couldn’t get physical activity for days at a time.

When I was able to work out, it was difficult. I didn’t have any shoes because my shoes had had laces in them. Some patients wore laceless shoes and the rest wore socks. I can’t walk or run much without shoes — without the arch support I get very bad shin splints. I also slipped and fell many times playing basketball or jogging in a small circle.

Why, when it costs thousands of dollars a day to stay there, can they not provide laceless shoes to patients who don’t have any? Some of the hospitals did do something: they gave us socks with rubber patches on the bottom. But I can’t imagine that cheap shoes cost much more money. Other patients often stepped on top of my feet on purpose, since they were wearing shoes and I wasn’t.

For all the hours of the day, I had nothing to do except sit in the dayroom watching TV (but never having a choice of what we watched), playing cards with insane people, talking to insane people, and walking up and down the hall.

I did want to read, but if our families brought in hardcover books, we wouldn’t get them. My family didn’t bring in any, anyway. I usually desperately wanted the Bible and the Book of Mormon. Most of the time, they didn’t have any (which is against the law).

Also, when I was admitted I was usually wearing something I wouldn’t be allowed to wear in the hospital. So, they would give me AWFUL clothing to wear. Once I was in a hospital gown that wraps around you three times. Usually it was scrubs. In one hospital it was nice, we got plain grey sweatpants, a shirt, and a matching grey hoodie.

However, in most hospitals there wasn’t enough underwear. They give you the cheapest, thinnest pair of grandma underwear ever, but they can’t afford to have enough? I was only given one or two pairs of underwear.

We did our own laundry, but they didn’t have enough machines, so we fought over that as well. With only one outfit and two pairs of underwear, I had to wash my clothes at least once every three days. Some people had the luxury of only having to wash their clothes every five days or even longer. Sometimes I would go several days without being able to snag a washing machine and smelling bad was another huge embarrassment in the ward.

Families were able to bring in outside clothes deemed safe by the hospital. Most patients wore them. My family wouldn’t do this. This would signify to the other patients that your family didn’t care about you (which usually meant you must be a bad person). In a hospital gown or cheap scrubs, it was even more embarrassing. It was also cold, sometimes difficult to hide your private parts, and left you easily attacked for the amusement of other patients.

A mental hospital is like a deranged dystopian high school.

You had to attend every single group. Your attendance was marked and if you didn’t attend group you were absent. Absence of more than one group a day meant that you “weren’t complying with treatment” and they could use it to justify keeping you longer to your insurance company. Groups were six hours a day.

The upstairs was chaotic, dangerous, and emotionally and physically violent. Sometimes people were yelling and throwing things. But these weren’t the most harmful moments.

Even during the quiet, “calm” times there was still constant emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse from other patients and staff. A psychotic person is in a fragile state: they are easily manipulated, paranoid and incredibly vulnerable to emotional attacks. They are forced to live in this state with criminals and drug addicts who are bored, very bored, and angry.

When my mom admitted me, I was so manic that I had no problem with it. I thought it was a test (I had to prove to God that I was submissive and positive or he would stop helping me and demons would kill me), and if I passed all of the tests the leader of the Mormon church would come get me and take me to my life of painting for them.

I baptized myself in an intake room with a styrofoam cup of water while my mom watched. I then did cartwheels in the hallway (I hadn’t done a cartwheel since I was like six years old). I had period blood running down my pants, which the entire ward saw when I was first brought in to change in my room.

For the first two days I was convinced that at any moment the leader of the Mormon church would walk into my room to collect me. Everyone would stop acting like they didn’t know I was the prophet. I just had to stay committed to the act.

I made up my own sign language and took a vow of silence.

That night I had a delusion that I was being possessed by an African slave. I hallucinated being on a slave ship, including banging my arm on the bed to create a song in unison with the other slaves slamming their hands.

They put me on “one on one” — this is when one of the nurse practitioners always sits near you and watches you. She sat outside the door to my room while I acted out these hallucinations.

Eventually I became convinced that God could hide me if I snuck out under a sheet. Then I could wait, invisible, at the locked door at the end of the hallway until someone opened it and I could escape.

Remember, this manic episode was entirely induced by a high prescription of Zoloft. I had never had a manic episode before.

When I ignored my one-on-one nurse’s demand to go back to my room, things changed. Two other nurses grabbed me and threw me into the “quiet room” which is a closet-sized room with a bed with restraints on it in the middle. I wasn’t tied down to the bed this time, but they left me locked in the room.

I continued to act out hallucinations, stand on top of the table, etc. Eventually they decided to give me a shot. They came in, held me down, pulled down my pants in front of three men, and administered a shot to my butt. I don’t remember much after that.

I woke up the next day feeling too sick to do, say, or think anything. They had taken me off a medication cold turkey and I was going through immediate withdrawals. I was not warned that I would be going through withdrawals.

I was so sick the room never stopped spinning, I vomited several times, and it felt like I had the flu. I did not know I was going through withdrawals, so I assumed the new medications they had put me on were making me that sick.

I refused to take my medication. Anthony the nurse warned me that he would give me another shot if I didn’t take it. I had no choice. I took it and I felt even worse.

I became so sick that I couldn’t get out of bed. Any movement hurt. I was freezing cold, but they didn’t have any more blankets. To make it even worse, my roommate was completely out of her mind and was up talking to people that weren’t there all night, walking around in circles and turning the lights on and off. I desperately needed to sleep but she wouldn’t let me.

My roommate was also violent. She had multiple personality disorder and was completely psychotic at all times. I was terrified she would kill me in my sleep and she threatened me verbally and physically all the time. She should have been in her own room, alone. I had seen it done at other hospitals.

The ward didn’t have one single open bed. They were doing a good job of turning a profit by being full all the time.

I went to the nurses’ station and asked if I could leave because it had been more than 72 hours. They said they needed my doctor’s approval and that they would ask him.

A few minutes later the practitioner came to my room and told me that because I had not been attending group, I was not participating in my treatment, and I couldn’t be considered for release until I started attending all of them. I was so sick that all I could do was lay in bed all day. I wouldn’t even go downstairs for meals. At first they brought them up to me, but eventually they said if I wanted to eat I had to go to the lunch room downstairs, or I would go hungry. I went hungry. I was barely eating anyways.

One of my delusions was traumatic: I became convinced that the medications were designed to make me so sick I couldn’t get out of bed. Then I wouldn’t be able to go to group, so they could tell my family and insurance company I wasn’t participating, so they could continue to give me poisonous medications, so that I couldn’t get up to go to groups… basically I thought I was in a program designed to keep me locked up for years while they milked my insurance for money.

It literally felt like the sickness would never end. For days I was convinced it wouldn’t. I thought I was going to die there — after years of torment.

After I was finally able to force myself out of bed, I started attending group. I remember how impossible it felt to sit in the chair. I was so sick I needed to lay down, but I had to get out of that hospital ASAP. So, I forced myself to go.

I had to listen to drug addicts and criminals tell stories hoping to win validation from their peers. This is one of the most boring, obnoxious discussions you can listen to. I had to do it for hours every day feeling so horribly ill.

That’s when I had to start socializing with the patients who had witnessed all my psychotic episodes for the past three days.

There were many incidents of major abuse from other patients and staff members during all of my hospitalizations.

For example:

An old fat man started hitting on me. I told the staff I was uncomfortable. They did nothing. He gave me a piece of paper with an email that said something like [email protected]

I brought it straight to staff and begged them to move him to the other psychotic ward or transfer me downstairs. No beds. They refused. He was friends with two women, who started to try and take my personal folders from me. My folder had my full name inside of it and a list of family members and their phone numbers.

I was incredibly paranoid they would take it from me. All day every day I had that folder in my hand or underneath it. I wasn’t allowed to take it to meals, so I had to slide it under my door where it would be locked away.

But in the daytime all the rooms were open, and I couldn’t safely leave it there. So instead I had to be incredibly paranoid about it all the time. Which this man’s friends exploited for fun. I was 23 years old at this point and these people were all in their 30’s to 60’s.

Once the man cornered me in a poorly designed wing (there was a group room that was open around a corner where the staff couldn’t see). He cornered me there and it was terrifying. Another 20-something man stepped in and got him to back off.

One woman told the twenty or so people I was forced to live closely with that I was a meth addict. She convinced everyone that all the delusions I came in with were my fault because I was a drug addict. Thus it was fine and fun to ridicule me. I had never done an illegal drug. All the emotional abuse was devastating. Later she punched me and another time she threw urine on me.

There were never any beds open downstairs, even if you were stable enough to be there. Near the end of all my forced hospital stays, I would finally be moved downstairs, and being in that environment would help me again. Like it helped me the first time. But at that point I was so tortured from captivity I just wanted out.

The 72-hour hold is a lie. The police or the family can demand a person be held for at least 72 hours — after that, the doctor can keep you for as long as they want or until you request to go to mental health court.

After you make the request it can take up to two weeks (and usually does) before your case is heard. If the mental health court doesn’t find you competent and you are court ordered to stay in the hospital, you lose many rights permanently, including the right to own firearms, or to not disclose your diagnosis to employers, etc.

So at first, you don’t want to go to court because the doctor says you just “need a few more days.” Why take the risk? You’ll be out of there before the court date anyway, right?

Then a week passes, and you start to panic — the doctor is finding all these tiny reasons to keep you, and now it seems the only way out is through court. From that point, you have to wait another two weeks.

This is how I met people in the hospital who had been detained there for over a month without any sort of hearing or appeal process.

After witnessing this happen consistently to hundreds of people, I know this is a fact. All the psychiatrists at the hospital care about is: Liability and Insurance. They do not care about your mental health. I have met over 12 different hospital psychiatrists and every single one of them were the same.

There are good psychiatrists in the world. None of them work in mental hospitals. They see what is going on, and they quit. And they do everything they can to keep their patients from ever going to one. I know this because I now have a good psychiatrist and he was appalled that I had been in so many hospitals in the past three years. He told me he was aware of how awful they were, and that we would work together to not let it happen again.

I had the same conversation with two other not-so-good psychiatrists. Even they agreed.

If you have good insurance, the hospital will use anything they can against you to prove to the insurance company that you need to be there. Health insurance is the true decider — if they think someone is at risk, they will opt to continue paying for the hospitalization. This is because if they refuse someone treatment and they hurt themselves or someone else, the insurance company can be held liable. Also, if they let go of someone prematurely, they think that person might get worse and need to return for a longer stay or make costly trips to the ER, etc.

The standards that insurance companies require to continue paying thousands of dollars a day for your bed are incredibly low for this reason.

HUGE TIP: If you find yourself or a loved one in a mental hospital when you shouldn’t be, call your insurance company and ask for your case manager. You will have a case and a case manager as soon as you are admitted to the hospital. This person is who really decides if you stay or go. You and your family will have a much easier time persuading this person rather than the doctor. No staff or patients at the hospital will tell you this. I figured it out myself, and it worked once. (Other times I couldn’t get anyone to give me the phone number to my insurance.)

The doctors know the game. Many hospitals are privately owned with the doctors earning a percentage. If all their beds are full all the time (which they are — every time I have gone in, they were at max capacity) they make a good profit that quarter. Profit = larger dividend. There is a clear conflict of interest.

Most hospital psychiatrists are purposely harming their patients to make money off their insurance. It’s like a doctor in the ICU prescribing the wrong medications on purpose to keep a person there just to make money off them. They do it, it hurts the person, and that ends up helping them make even more money later when the person relapses and must come back.

The hospital is not liable for letting a person leave early — the insurance company is. Which means that no one will be held responsible when an uninsured person walks out of a hospital and kills themselves. Which they often do since a person is 100-264 times more likely to kill themselves within one week of being released from a mental hospital.

No uninsured person stays for longer than three days. That kills people, too. The doctors say they are good to go because they can’t pay to stay.

It’s written in the law: If someone was held at least 72 hours the state/hospital did all that they were required to do.

However, if an insured person was forced to leave by their insurance when the doctors disagreed with the course of action, the insurance company will be held responsible. So, you must make a good case to your claim manager that you are stable and there is absolutely no need for you to be hospitalized anymore.

I did not know this for the first two years of hospitalizations and instead felt helplessly at the mercy of my “doctor.” This would lead me to later lose my health, my teeth, my house, all valuable possessions, my dog, my cat, and my family.

On top of that, my business has been completely ruined and will go bankrupt soon. Website traffic to my eCommerce store fell during and after my hospitalizations. I had to lay off four employees and now operate the business alone.

One miracle happened: I got married.

This is just what I experienced during my first two hospitalizations. I have eight more hospitalization stories to tell.


Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.


  1. “These people don’t have mental disorders, they have personality disorders. Which means they are manipulative, sadistic, dishonest, violent and emotional.”

    I just want it to be clear where I stopped reading. Shaming one group of patients by using the weaponized labels and definitions of psychiatric diagnoses against them while trying to gain sympathy for the “good” patients is victim blaming. It’s not okay when it comes from medicine and it’s not okay when it comes from survivors.

    • I was going to call that out too BUT as an “alcoholic” I noticed that it was the usually addicts in rehab who were more often manipulative and dishonest.

      I finally learned that if someone came at me with the pre question “hey can I ask you a question?” the next questions always lead to borrowing money. One sack of crap tells me it’s his kids birthday next week and he needs money to buy a card… as he pulls a cigarette from an 8 dollar pack.

      These days if anyone starts with the line “can I ask you a question?” I immediately say no you can’t borrow money. And alot of them come with warning labels though, just look for neck tattoos.

      I agree lumping all addicts into a category is not right but I understand where that comment came from. Technically I am also an ‘addict’ . For a wile I loved that Adderal high and was badly dependent on benzos but I am not insulted.

      • Cat, I am very interested in your comment about the Adderal high.
        When Ireturned to school I got a script from my GP. A relative had used it and it seemed to help andI did fit the categories.
        This is when the MH system got a hold of me. And now looking back probably was addicted. It was the beginning of the Cascade.
        So my question is should I do a2/ step program? I am off all drugs but still have things to work on.
        I know 12 step more from an Slanon CODA and my big qualm is this was given to me by a doc and have harrowing experiences I am off all of it. This is 13 years or so in the past. I try to do the steps any way- seems like there needs to be something for those that got addicted not by need but by the system.

    • I have a lot of problems with this essay. I appreciate the author’s descriptions of iatrogenic harm, for instance, her Zoloft induced mania that landed her in a locked ward. The author however, assumes that the unfavorable behavior displayed by other psychiatric inmates is the fault of character flaws or addiction (“personality disorders”) blaming individuals who may also be suffering from drug induced behavior and psychiatric harm and abuse that manifests itself differently.

      Besides, addiction doesn’t just relate to street drugs or recreational drugs. It also relates to the use of and withdrawal from legally prescribed psychotropic drugs that were/are taken voluntarily or involuntarily. Psychiatrists habituate their patients to all kinds of psychiatric drugs, then gaslight them to believe that their psychiatric symptoms can’t possibly be related to intolerance to the meds they hook people on. They willfully ignore the existence of withdrawal symptoms, rebound psychosis as well as the paradoxical effects these drugs can have on many people, they rarely recognize, let alone know how to reverse, drug induced violence and akathisia. Institutionalization can result in people’s personalities changing dramatically for the worse.

      The back ward of the hospitals in which the author was describing contain the individuals who have arguably been treated the most poorly, who are chemically straight-jacketed to deal with the drug induced paradoxical reactions they experienced, such as compulsive behavior, dis inhibition, akasthisia, violence, and other reactions to drugs. This is ableism at its worst. People who cannot physically tolerate their torture and forced drugging get blamed by other patients for not being ideal patients.

      Very disappointing. I have learned to expect this from the staff of most psychiatric hospitals, but coming from a victim of psychiatric harm and abuse, its demoralizing.

    • Would be better to call them nasty, violent people. “Personality disorders” are just labels to ensure “patients” they dislike get treated worse.

      Please focus on the bad behaviors. Not the bogus labels. Shrinks are notoriously poor judges of character. 🙂

  2. And the sleep deprivation, if you finally get to sleep you can’t sleep long because of that blood pressure check thing at 6:15 am designed to circumvent a patients right to undisturbed rest. Every morning started with anger getting jolted out of sleep by the threatening goons.

    “This time I was in the psychotic ward. Everyone there was enraged.”

    I was too. I was threatened with injection for refusing a very dangerous debilitating amount of pills including Haldol . I threatened them back. If you people assault me when I see you outside this place I will assault and inject you with something to. I told them in a calm cold way cause I know they are trained to watch your hands are you making fists getting ready. I saw them come at others for ‘acting out’. Constant violence in that place.

    Are you making threats do we need to call the police they ask me. Ya go ahead all I did was make the exact same threats at you that you did at me so I will also file a report. They did not call. I wanted to leave with the police they don’t have forced drugging in jail. I continued to refuse, they never touched me.

    Before going to the ER for alcohol detox I was self medicating a nervous breakdown with alcohol. Every day waking up with massive anxiety then drinking to make it go away over and over. I said F this and went to hospital voluntarily. I should have had normal hospital bed not transported to that hell hole. They never gave me detox meds.

    I had other hospitalizations before that, clonopin adderal remeron zyprexa.. Told a doctor I had trouble sleeping “insomnia is a symptom of depression” I was told and that prescribing snowball followed, that nightmare was behind me off that crap but this was the hospitalization that lead me here to MIA.

    • Yes. Abriana most people with addictions or mostly anyone in the system do not and should not conform to a DSM dx. This is an insurance driven mechanism like IEP dx that solely bring in money for the institution.
      I as others have been in patient settings and yes you are on target for that.
      I think you saw what I saw folks from the underworld hanging out passing time awhile far removed from those that want payback.
      When I was a volunteer at a woman’s n’s shelter in DC – two blocks from the White House near what we use to call needle park I saw drug deals going down with pregnant prostitutes. Hard to ever know what was what but it stunk to high heaven.
      I would observe the units would get really crowded on weekends. My guess is the psych residents in the ER came from such privileged backgrounds were so unaware of the underground life they had no idea they were being scammed.
      By Monday most of the “ guys – some females” were gone.
      I having worked with offenders knew but under massive medication and REELING from trauma couldn’t put it into words and so gain who would believe me?
      I also ran into folks who had two different personas in two different systems. My guess they could have been NARCS. And yes I know about NARCS and the good and sometimes bad folks they envelope in their webs of investigation. And I am not even going to go into other agencies and groups that would find these floors FOR THEM safe havens.
      So this what you might have seen and I would guess corporate might have had arrangements.
      There were true creeps in some of the units and some other weird stuff that NEVER FIT into any experience I had working in a psych unit pre 9/11.
      But who knows? And again I am now “ officially crazy” so my word means nothing and will never mean anything.
      And the so called “ help” in terms of talk not help at all, at all. I was robbed of a life and profession and most importantly I was my children were ROBBED of a normal life.
      Never fall into the dx trap. It is only a snapshot and useful for using something. I prefer trauma or other terms that are less stigmatizing and harmful.
      Research more- and keep away from the system. The doc seems okay and there are good ones but if he or she didn’t ask about your experience or confirm that there was stuff going down then go on your own. Until the totality of all of this comes out just be aware. And yes this does sound crazy but check out 60 minutes and the mafia don that hid out in a psych unit when needed. It does happen.

    • Abrianna, many people who write on this website agree with the former head of the National institute of Mental Health, that ALL the DSM disorders are “invalid.”


      And the truth about those labeled as borderline personality disorder, is that 92% of them are actually misdiagnosed, discredited, and disbelieved child abuse survivors.


      Why such huge percentages of misdiagnosed child abuse survivors? Insurance billing problems for actually helping child abuse survivors were built into the DSM.


      And, of course, most people with brains in their heads, which does not include the DSM deluded, understand that drugs do not cure the symptoms of child abuse. This is at least part of why people who write here politely request you not shame “one group of patients by using the weaponized labels and definitions of psychiatric diagnoses against them while trying to gain sympathy for the ‘good’ patients.” Having empathy for mislabeled child abuse survivors is appropriate, don’t you agree?

      Plus we did have a favorite blogger on this website, who was a man who had been abused as a child, that was stigmatized as borderline, who eventually committed suicide. So many of us here still miss him.

      Hope that at least somewhat explains the situation. That being said, thank you for your story, Abrianna. Wow, did you start a business when you were just 13? That’s great! Hope you can keep it going, and it doesn’t go bankrupt. Congrats on your recent marriage. Ten hospitalizations in three years is pretty sad, your outpatient psychiatrist(s) during that time must have been pretty pathetic?

      Your story is a little hard to follow, but does express the reality of how horrendous today’s “mental health system” truly is. And I understand cohesively explaining one’s life, during the time one is being made “mad as a hatter” with the psychiatric drugs, is a challenge. Best wishes, and I hope you’re working on becoming neurotoxin free.

      • By the way, I too, had the common ADRs of the antidepressants misdiagnosed by psychiatrists, and because of their hypocritical blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, according to their medical records. So I can empathize with the common illegal, at least in the US, issue of hypocritical psychiatrists drugging people up for belief in God in this country.

  3. I have something that’s not really fair. Why is it for alcohol and addiction treatment you can go to a nice resort style place with beaches pools and palm trees, insurance pays for this, but for mental health their are very few choices besides the typical locked psych BS ?

  4. Reply to Abrianna Peto about the Iran prisoner study. The authors did include depression (MDD – major depressive disorder) in table 3. And people with MDD outnumbered people with more standard personality disorders by 40 to 26.
    Your experience in the second hospital sounds terrible. I hope the next eight were not so bad.

  5. “Also, when I was admitted I was usually wearing something I wouldn’t be allowed to wear in the hospital. ”

    I wore a hat to the hospital and they took it, dress code of some sort then they give you that awful shampoo that frizzes out your hair I guess to make you look like a mental patient. I looked terrible even in the plastic mirror.

    So the next day I said to them I need my hat and I forget what the excuse for not being able to get the one I came in with but I requested a replacement and they said “we can’t get you a hat” I must have looked like a killer I was so pissed and I said say to me you WON’T get me a hat who the F do you think I am that I will believe its not possible for anyone to go down the street and buy a baseball hat ?? They got me one.

    I hated those people so bad right from the beginning their strip search then their threatening behavior when I attempted to refuse the “squat and cough” part of the strip search when I came in. How disgusting. F them. All bets were off after being treated like that.

    Hospital staff had the “personality disorders” 10 times more then anyone else.

    Disregard for others needs or feelings
    Recurring problems with the law
    Repeated violation of the rights of others
    Aggressive, often violent behavior
    Disregard for the safety of self or others
    Impulsive behavior
    Consistently irresponsible
    Lack of remorse for behavior

    That’s every behavior those hospitals exhibit.

    Now check this out https://www.buzzfeed.com/tag/uhs

    And after also reading that all the crimes of UHS psychiatric facilities who really has the “personality disorders” the patients or the people who own and run these places ?

    (Stock price: UHS (NYSE) today $125.73) List of places they own https://www.psychforums.com/anti-psych/topic174650.html

    I had my fun venting about the other people in rehab above but none of them ever treated me like that so called “hospital.” Damn kidnapping is what that crap is.

    That place was so awful, they even assaulted my “girlfriend” I palled around with in the place for refusing to go sit down in the cafeteria dragged her out screaming. That was the “healing atmosphere” of the place constant threat of assault by staff. Violence every few hours.

  6. I think the mental health care system reflects the sickness of the culture. Also, without meaning to pry, I always wish when there are articles about personal experiences, they would give a brief overview of their life, especially their early life, because it might help others of us to understand ourselves better. Most of the reason I read this website is to gain insights into my own situation.

  7. Get out of the game of being defined and defining others. If you look at my icon it is one hand drawing the other hand. A symbolism of the behaviour. Founded in hate. https://www.mcescher.com/gallery/back-in-holland/drawing-hands/

    The only person who can leave the endless battle/equation is you, as the psychiatrist is paid, and also compelled to continue to define you.
    In order to leave you must find forgiveness for yourself and for others. You must not identify too closely with the master or the slave.
    If you like the fight, you keep doing what you are doing.

  8. Wow, that is some bullying you took. I hope that telling your story is helping you to find some peace. Your anger is more than understandable. I look forward to reading the subsequent installments, although I can’t even imagine.

    Congratulations on your marriage! May it be blessed.

    • Not likely all the thin skin people got all upset if their diagnosis was “insulted.” Wile at the same time they insist the diagnosis is scientifically invalid.

      So if I get diagnosed as a space alien and then someone writes something negative about space aliens should I be insulted when I know I am not from outer space ?

      • Great point Cat!

        Weird how I don’t have such an automatic knee jerk reaction when I hear the term “bipolar killer” on TV. I used to–especially when I believed it applied to me.

        But it still scares me people will discover my painful past.

        Takes time to emotionally distance yourself I think.

        • It is an insult. But not intentional. Consider it a stray bullet.

          Abrianna doesn’t know any better and believes in her own label. Takes time for people to come around. Plus she doesn’t know any of us from Adam. You know you’re not whatever the shrinks called you. So do I and the majority of others here.

          Weird how I no longer act “bipolar 2” and no one knows I am supposed to be that way. But when I read articles or see crap on TV about “mental health issues” my heart races and my stomach churns.

          • Well let’s step back from the wild assumption that objecting to whole classes of people being vilified is a silly overreaction to an insult. You don’t have to be black to object to racism. You don’t have to be poor to object to class inequality. You don’t have to identify as someone struggling with or wrongly labeled with a personality disorder to object to the vilification of all such labeled people.

            “First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist.
            Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out— because I was not a trade unionist.
            Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.
            Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” – Martin Neimoller

          • Its NOT a silly overreaction. But the horrible stigma came from a shrink. Not the writer.

            Those labels are spurious and stupid. I got mine for thinking of suicide after a man I loved dumped me for no known reason. (And my mom had been telling me for years I was unlovable and no man would want a bipolar/schizo/fatty like me.) Didn’t get mine from a shrink either, but a case manager with a BS in phys ed who fit the “type” way better than I ever did.

            I hate break ups but they quit making me suicidal some time ago. The label lasts though. Believe me, I empathize with you. Your anger and pain are legitimate.

            I only ask you to remember Abrianna did not label you. Some quack playing god did.

      • I think I see what you’re saying here, but I don’t think anyone’s upset about a “diagnosis” being “insulted.” I think the point is that when one is LABELED with such a “disorder” (usually against one’s will), one experiences prejudice and discrimination, even if one believes the labels are crap. I don’t personally want to continue to further the concept that people “have personality disorders” which can then be used to categorize them behaviorally as “mean.”

        This is not to dispute that mean people exist and indeed suck it big time. I am only disputing that such people can be identified by seeing if they fit a list of “criteria” invented by a bunch of arrogant wealthy folks meeting in conference rooms in a hotel in San Francisco for a few days.

  9. Would you please stop making this about me? It isn’t about me and it IS insulting that you’re implying that I’m reacting to a personal label. I don’t give a shit about the few clinicians (out of the dozens I’ve seen) that suggested I had borderline because I cut myself (a LONG time ago). Borderline is not the label I object to. Borderline doesn’t get you forcibly medicated with antipsychotics, antidepressants, and “mood stabilizers”. The label that bothers me is bipolar. Nobody gives a shit about people labeled borderline. The mental health system doesn’t bother borderline labeled people (mostly women). My objection is based on an entire class of “personality disordered” people being targeted. The author has adjusted her position several times throughout the comments and sometimes sounds reasonable and sometimes doubles down on the unscientific rhetoric about personality disordered people as if she’s some kind of expert.

    I realize she is new and still believes in her labels. That doesn’t mean I have to make space for bigoted commentary about a fellow group of marginalized people. All of the negative comments made about people she sees as different from herself reduce the impact of the clearly terrible things that she’s survived. I wish her story had been focused solely on her own experiences rather than trying to present herself as one of the “good” patients.

    • kindredspirit have you looked at Abrianna’s website? I did wonder how the sentence about personality disorders got through the editing process on MIA as it doesn’t introduce or explain anything and just seems to be gratuitously offensive. But I didn’t want to be too negative as she is young and appears to have been through a lot. Having seen her website though I think I am going to be rather more negative and say that I think that MIA slipped up on this one.

  10. Bramble, KS, Rachel & all, no reason to be apologetic OR under fire for reacting to the many “triggering” statements in the article validating psychiatric labeling, etc., and taking an “othering” attitude towards other inmates.

    I do believe that Abrianna has been done a disservice by MIA editors, who unlike her should have known what the (predictable and justifiable) reaction on the part of many survivors would be. So we should probably just let it go at that and welcome Abrianna into the discussion, as none of these issues started with her.

  11. Can anyone tell me please – in the US would the content of Abrianna’s website be considered well… mainstream? To me it seems to be very far out to the right but maybe that is because I am not American? I can accept for example in the UK that more than half the population doesn’t vote the way I do and I can still have a polite conversation with them and I am not suggesting that MIA should only attract people with certain political views. I am just curious really if anyone can answer my question before I wander off to another thread.

  12. This is making me sick. Maybe the MIA editors should have explained a few things to the author here. We don’t validate DSM diagnoses here. Any. And that includes so-called personality disorders. The basis of such labeling is based in eugenics, the assumption that some people just don’t make the grade.

    I’d like to point out that HIPAA, which by the way, is not spelled HIPPA, doesn’t oblige the patients to do anything! HIPAA only applies to medical providers and any personnel who work in a hospital or treatment setting. So your shrink’s secretary is bound by HIPAA laws not to go leaking out who sees the shrink. The janitors also cannot tattle about who they saw on the psych ward. Patients are not legally bound. They are highly pressured to not squeal, not say a word when they witness abuse. Sadly, many patients actually believe this is covered by HIPAA law. It isn’t.

    You won’t have to pay a fine or do prison times if you name the names. It is helpful to others if you warn them about a particular abusive clinician, or name the hospitals that treated you badly. What no one should do is exaggerate, lie, or reveal very intimate details about ANY person, on social media, publicly viewable articles, or on a website.

    As a writer I am very careful about revealing anything about other patients. This isn’t because of HIPAA, though. It’s because if you use a name and say you saw that person in a nuthouse, you could be wrecking their reputation. When I have mentioned specific incidents or specific people I sometimes get around the libel issue by fictionalizing the characters, or creating conglomerate characters. You have to disguise their identity in that case.

    I am not subscribing to subsequent commentary on this article mainly because I don’t want any hateful, disgusting talk about “personality disorders” showing up in my inbox.

  13. ” I put so much work into it but it was all for nothing.”

    You can’t judge the results by the over reaction of half a dozen snowflakes. 1800 views divided by 9 peoples negative reactions. Big deal. That’s 1 in 200.

    Think about a bunch of guys watching football. It looks like everyone is loving it cause guys are expected to like football but alot of us can’t stand it cause most of it is commercials and people standing around the field, its all waiting but those that don’t like football usually pretend to be enjoying the game to fit in because the illusion is everyone else is wile contributing to the illusion that all dudes like football.

    Its the same thing happening here. The negative reaction is creating the illusion that “everyone” feels a certain way and people that agree are afraid to speak up.

  14. “One of my delusions was traumatic: I became convinced that the medications were designed to make me so sick I couldn’t get out of bed. Then I wouldn’t be able to go to group, so they could tell my family and insurance company I wasn’t participating, so they could continue to give me poisonous medications, so that I couldn’t get up to go to groups… basically I thought I was in a program designed to keep me locked up for years while they milked my insurance for money.”

    This is not a delusion. This is the truth. Abrianna, you have stockholm syndrome. You are taking the side of your abusers because they have succeeded in indoctrinating you that you are “sick” somehow and that their physical abuse (drugging, force) was “needed” or that if “done right”, it is “good for you”. Let me rewind a bit: you were in a life crisis and had prior trauma. Rather than help you with this, profiteers drugged you. The drugs, because they are so toxic, made your mental state worse. Because the violent and predatory psych industry cannot have the general public catching onto the fact that their drugs almost always lead to worsening, they lock you up and terrorize and drug you more in a rotating door of catch and release so that it looks like some type of “science” is occuring.

    But it is not. They merely want to make the toxicity of their products less obvious by teaching you to blame yourself for the abuse and toxic poisoning they have inflicted. Sadly, it has worked on you. No doubt, other people trapped in these places can also be abusive. But you are defending the people who have abused you the most and trained you to think that abuse is okay. The real abusers are psychiatrists and their prisons to detain cash cows who might be “at risk” for figuring things out and escaping.

  15. Hello Abrianna,

    I’m sorry you were received so poorly at this website. I do agree with Oldhead and some of the others that you were kind of set up to fail which is unfortunate.

    I think I can see through many of the statements you made that others found triggering since I’ve never been diagnosed or labeled by the mental health industry, but I admit even I was triggered a little when you described your experience of one person with multiple personality disorder…because my wife has d.i.d. and 11 years later I’ve yet to see her psychotic or dangerous: just traumatized and kind of in a ‘time-warp’ (to make it easy to understand).

    It is clear that you have tried to read up on this issue; sadly there just isn’t a lot of alternatives to the information you have read. I don’t know if you would consider staying and trying to learn why others found your statements so upsetting. There is good information here and it might lead you to other sites as well.
    Wishing you well,

  16. Abrianna’s essay has not helped the mission to re-think psychiatry, rather it has led to people who have endured harmful and spurious labels and destructive psychiatric treatments to feel more stress, stigma and discrimination. Commenters on here are referring to others who disagree with the message as “snowflakes”, really?

    Perhaps Abrianna should read the Memoriam post on MIA, in particular Kermit Coles’s tribute:


    This may help her understand any person can be suffering for a great variety of reasons but no one deserves to be denigrated for their suffering.

  17. Posting as moderator:

    I have been very soft on my moderation of this thread, and I think that has been a mistake. That time is over and I am returning to full moderation policies as always. Comments that generalize about “the personality disordered” or any other psychiatric label will be moderated from this point forward. Please restrict your comments to the specific people you have direct experience with. “The people in the ward I was in” or “the other residents” is acceptable language. Generalized statements about “Drug addicts” or “people with personality disorders” is a violation of the posting guidelines, specifically,

    “We are an oppression-free zone. Comments that are racist, sexist, transphobic or otherwise oppressive may be subject to removal. Statements that attack or assume things about a person based on a label they carry (i.e. “psychiatrist” or “schizophrenic”) are similarly not condoned.”

    All commenters are to follow these guidelines, and further comments in violation will be removed. If you see a violation, PLEASE do not react with further escalation – report the comment to me via the reporting button, or by e-mailing me at “[email protected]

    • You’re going to hate me — please understand I’m not arguing about the issue at hand and tend to agree with you here — but as a matter of consistency, “schizophrenic” is a label ascribed to people by psychiatry, which they “carry”; but “psychiatrist” is a self-proclaimed identity, not an externally-imposed “label” that they “carry.” But I know you didn’t write the guidelines. 🙂

      • That is true OH. But we must be just and not make our opponents out to be nastier than they are. Most are ignorant of the damage they do and actually think they’re helping people. (Those in the “Inner Circle”–presidents and high ranking APA officials, shrinks turned bureaucrats, famous pro bio-bio-bio model writers–are another matter.)

        • I don’t see how this is a response to what I just said.

          It makes no difference whatever what individuals’ intentions are, it’s their actions we are concerned with. Those who are unaware of the destruction they sow are at least as, if not more dangerous, than those who are deliberately malevolent. It’s the primarily the mentality that needs to be exposed and confronted.

      • I don’t disagree at all, and I believe chosen labels are more relevant for critique than those foisted on one by someone else. But I still hold that making complete assumptions or generalizations, even about psychiatrists, should not be allowed. Saying “all psychiatrists are NAZIs” neglects the fact that some psychiatrists, such as Peter Breggin or a handful of others, have been major critics and providers of helpful data to fight the status quo.

        A very good point, though, and I’m glad you raised it.

    • This sucks.
      I should really quit this. I rode and was a big part the wave against ‘big pharma’ the chemical imbalance lie spreading that info across the internet . The pharma lawsuits.

      WTF are we doing now ? Forums are dead, we have no battle plan anymore.

      “This series is being developed through a UMASS Boston initiative supported by a grant from the Open Society Foundation. The interviews are being led by UMASS PhD students who also comprise the Mad in America research news team.”

      Website was taken by the NWO.

      • I put alot into this fight spreading the message, probably a million views at least learning to be almost a hacker getting kicked off websites then just signing up again the IP address game every time I tried to criticize psychiatry and tell me story or post anything against the narrative.

        What is the narrative here that you have to like everyone you are in treatment with because they are just “sick” or something.

        I wrote about telling someone who was manic to STFU on the story “Individuals with Psychosis Symptoms More Likely to be Victimized”

        Yes I did that, I started with him cause he was running his mouth outside the AA club. Manic or not he was starting S and I gave him some but I look back and my post is gone cause it doesn’t fit the narrative that they are all victims. This dude was an ass not a victim.

        Anyway play that game with the report button on me it only gets worse.

        • Something seems to be going on with you, I repeat. Usually your posts are pretty on target, but you’re pulling your punches here. And don’t pretend this is about “censorship.” Personal insults are not allowed here, that’s all. This includes insulting groups of people who have been labeled.

    • Luv ya Cat. But calling those who’re still shell shocked “snowflakes” is not helping matters.

      We need to deal with one another kindly and gently here.

      Abrianna had NO idea she was hurting people’s feelings. Please remember this. Her words hurt many, but it’s like someone who accidentally sticks their foot out too far and causes you to fall. As opposed to deliberately tripping people.

      To Abrianna, I hope you’ll forgive us for judging you unfairly. You had no idea how people here feel about psych labels. Particularly the “personality disorders” can of worms. My biggest problem is it’s horrible to write anyone off as hopeless and irredeemable. No human can read minds or see the future. But when people assign personality disorders that’s what they’re pretending to do. Sometimes these become vicious self fulfilling prophecies, making reformation more difficult than ever.

      • Abrianna had NO idea she was hurting people’s feelings

        Yet when she was informed that she WAS she refused to hear it. So I think it’s time to cease with the blaming, the apologizing, and this discussion in general. Almost none of the other blogs have any new comments due to this tabloid-style distraction.

  18. I very much appreciate the Author’s experiences and observations. Her reports of patients and staff being totally abusive is the standard, not the exception.

    As for the Author’s use of DSM labels . . .it appears she has not came to the same conclusion many of us have, they are not scientifically valid or even near reliable. The history of psychiatry has been used to marginalize, stereo-type, criminalize and commoditize, suffering individuals. Remove the “Disorder” from Personality Disorder and you get “Personality.” Personality is developed over a lifetime’s worth of experiences and is HIGHLY subjective.

    The reaction to life experiences, especially trauma related ones, work out in multitude of ways. For those without access to quality support systems, you will see much more substance abuse and visibly culturally “deviant” behaviors. These are those who have never had or failed to find adequate coping mechanisms.

    I cannot overstate enough how one’s traumatic lifetime’s worth of events plays out in one’s physical being, day to day. The thing about trauma, it can be physical, emotional, spiritual, real or perceived, single-event or long-term (not all inclusive). . . Many of us experience severe anxiety, and associated sleeplessness (or declining quality of sleep). That declining quality of sleep leads to sleep deprivation and that is often presents as mania/paranoia/psychosis . . . or DSM Bipolar in many cases and Schizophrenic in others. Here’s where the self-medication comes in . . . many self-medicate to reduce the anxiety, and to sleep. This leads to the abuse of drugs.

    The anger you are feeling is from those of us that have found the DSM, not only lacking in help, but CRIMINAL in its use. Many times, those suffering from trauma related issues, or depression or a host of other real-life conditions, first interaction with the Mental health system is a DSM “substantiated diagnosis” and the dangerous psychiatric medications. These are Psychiatric Diagnoses, not Medical Diagnoses. Actually, when one is labeled mentally ill of any sort, there is almost always never a Medical Rule-out. The medications, as you have realized, have a host of other related side-effects, which is often why many “psychiatric patients” end up on numerous medications. . . one medication for the original diagnosis, other medications due to the side-effects of the original medication . . . pharmaceutical HELL.

    In your reporting, I do see a level of Spiritual conflict. There is something there, but as your experiences are YOURS I can go no further. What I can recommend, find someone good in leading you into your own life’s experiences with your own trauma. It is obvious that it’s there.

    Now that you are married, make sure your husband is well aware of what is going on with you, what you are feeling. Make sure there is a game plan if you find yourself in crisis. Make sure you have a way to sleep, really sleep, when you cannot.

    You may have to do your own medical rule-out . . 23 and me health edition would be a good place to start. Even though their genetic markers often associate DSM diagnoses, these genetic markers are MEDICAL conditions, not psychiatric. Quite to the contrary, DSM co-opted several overlapping medical conditions so they can say these DSM diagnosis are medical.

    Learn how to REMEMBER events, not RELIVE. Reliving events involves both remembering the event along with the emotional turmoil associated. Just remembering the event removes much of the emotional/physical bodily reaction and associated anxiety. No, this is by no means, easy. It IS NECESSARY.

    Once you have a valid Medical Diagnosis, work with your Psychiatrist to remove your DSM diagnosis. You are young and more than likely will want children. The unfortunately real situation is, if you have children while being diagnosed as Bipolar or Schizophrenic, a Social Worker will meet with you to determine whether you are a “fit” mother. While a person with a substantiated DSM diagnosis is profitable to these systems, they are even more profitable if they have young children.

    I could be wrong, but I have found experience is the best teacher. Second best, those that have experienced it. . . .much of what you find in this Forum.

  19. It was always anxiety combined with withdrawal that pushed me into ‘psychosis’ where I believed I was dying or already dead.

    Since we are on this topic of separating people by diagnosis I vote to segregating all the suicidal people into one section of the hospital so the rest of us don’t have to be subjected to the dehumanizing suicide protocols.

    I mean what the hell, I bug out and go to the hospital thinking I am dying trying to avoid death this incredibly intense feeling of impending doom the next thing they got me upstairs no shoe laces being followed around by Mr Clipboard so I don’t kill myself ?

    Always been scared of death, as a kid seeing cemeteries and coffins thinking what if I am not dead but they bury me anyway ?

  20. Ok sorry my “anti social” personality is coming out. I was being a troll. I do try and only use the anti social part of me for doing good things, like the robin hood excuse. Anyway this activism against psychiatry really helped me in the path to recovery. I was hurt by it all and needed an avenue to fight back and being nice about it was never a priority.

    Just keep doing what you are doing publicizing the abuses in those hospitals. I like doing it directing my own anti social ways at them for a good cause.

    I am out for now.

  21. Abrianna,

    I apologize for saying that you do not deserve sympathy for the abuse you have encountered. I do not agree with many of the views you have espoused in your essay, in the comments section, or on your website. I think you have a lot of listening and learning to do to incorporate more than your own experiences into your world view, but it was wrong of me to write you off entirely based on beliefs you have developed due to your traumas, however erroneous and ultimately harmful to others those beliefs may be. I could have handled myself more diplomatically and instead I let the argument get out of control. Please forgive me for that.

    I’d like to welcome you to the community and hope you will continue to both share and to listen so that you may gain a deeper insight into the causes of your distress which ultimately leads to long-term healing and happiness for you.

    • The_cat. . . whether it was an experiment or it was not, I think Abrianna’s posting was a reminder to all of us what I consider our role in participating. We are here for Support, Comradery, Information and an Outlet. That is what MIA offers me.

      As a caregiver, I to have failed my loved one in believing the Mental Health Establishment had answers. In both her and my lives, they have only created more problems. It wasn’t until she ended up in jail that one of the staff psyche staff notified me how much he could see trauma in her condition. This coming from a mental health professional having worked 20 years at the VA. Add to that, a genetic sleep disorder . . . amplified by her anxiety, medication not doing the one thing it was supposed to do, make her sleep. Boom, you have trauma creating anxiety creating sleep deprivation and the mania and psychosis.

      What I am trying to say, I, and her family, were painfully misguided intensely amplifying her trauma. My positions evolved the more stories I read on MIA. I NOW have a better grasp on many of the “mental health” issues and the failings of the Established Practices in Hospital and Statutory Policies. This is a direct result of my involvement here.

      I was told a long time ago by a very good MD that had a secondary specialization in psychiatry (ca. 1930’s).

      “If you cannot say something nice, say something constructive.”

  22. Abrianna, no insult intended, but I can see why people would be offended by this article. You are young, and do not take offense, but you have many years left to learn, observe. I hope you become aware of the sheer uselessness of labels. You might never become aware of it, many do not. You might believe that using a label is better than naming the things or actions/reactions of people you meet along your path. If I were you, I would read MIA, I would read the comments. Educate yourself with an open compassionate mind about humanity which you are part of. You are Abrianna, you are NOT a label. You might have a hundred actions/behaviours/reactions that don’t fall in a neat little pattern, but you NEVER a label. There are no meds for your ‘behaviour”. Sure they scramble some random chemicals and cause changes, the changes are not a perfect you. Forget labels, quit coming back to labels when it suits YOU. I read your whole story, now read more MIA and comments and relearn. You came here, because hopefully you want to explore further. Especially the futility of labeling, the futility of a psychiatric system and those who support something that has great power to damage. You experienced the futility, and here you have a chance to learn.