Can we please rewind,
slip back in time?
To the first time that we spoke.
You say you don’t remember me
It’s no trouble,
Let’s refresh your memory
I’m the one,
The one who sat there trembling,
scared at what you may think.
I’m the patient,
You are the one who holds the power!
That is your dogma,
As my shrink.
You said I had lost my mind
No, those were not your exact words,
but that’s all that I could hear.
You see, you diagnosed me as mentally ill
Those two words, that everybody fears.
I did not know myself back then,
For I was only just a child
Your fancy degrees and polished speech,
A person whom I admired.
Hello, again! How are you?
I am feeling rather hopeless today
I can not stand to bare my own thoughts
Doctor, could you please make them go away?
I feel afraid when I close my eyes
And again in the morning when they open
I have explained this
In so many ways, so many times, in so many words
But doc, I think I’m broken.
All I needed was someone who could listen
But you only look right through me,
As you hand me my prescription.
It’s day two, I begin to feel the side effects
Nausea, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and behavior
Why didn’t you tell me this could happen?
When I was desperate for my savior.
My hair is dyed black and seldom do I smile
You sir, in the hallway, you don’t see me,
This really all feels vile
Whilst the rest of the world feigns happiness,
Maybe, just maybe, you’re not entirely to blame,
As the seconds on your clock tick by,
I begin to feel ashamed.
The bullying at school, the torment, the anguish that I face
I try to tell you, but, shit, my time is up!
And your next patient takes my place.
You say it’s me that’s fucked up
and it can not be the medication
Why aren’t I getting better then?
Tell me doctor,
where is my revelation?
I did everything doctor,
I followed every instruction that you said
I took my one blue pill in the morning,
And that tiny yellow one before bed
God damn, these drugs,
They give me the most lucid of dreams,
In the middle of each night.
“Be Patient! We haven’t found the magic one yet!”
You say my chemistry,
is just not right.
Doctor, please do me no harm
After all, it was you, wasn’t it?
The one who took an oath
But it was I that subscribed to a fallacy;
Upon reciting those words, I choke.
My three thoughts of terror have cloned themselves
Into fifty, a hundred, to a thousand, and ten
The pills are driving me mad,
I want to disappear, but I do not know when.
On Tuesday, I have a calculus test,
so that would be rather inconvenient
Will anyone out there miss me?
I’m much too tired to stay obedient.
Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.