Editor’s Note: This article by Jessie Downey originally appeared on our affiliate site, Mad in Ireland.
Standing in front of the mirror, i wonder, “what outfit should i wear for scanning my psychiatric records at the local library?” the choice is obvious. i reach for my Sinead O’Connor t-shirt. a sense of pride and gratitude washes over me.
dressed now, it occurs to me that my bag may not be big enough to carry the approximately 850 pages of psychiatric fiction. i consider the possibility of rain and imagine myself cycling home with a sea of soggy pages, resenting the fact I had to pay so much just to get this partially redacted horror story.
i decide to take my chances. hauling the heavy bag over my shoulder, i feel the weight of my psy-fi history. as i’m leaving, my 8-year-old self makes eye contact with me from a photograph on the wall. we acknowledge each other in an act of self-witnessing and finally, i am on my way.
stepping back off my bike at the library, i remember how my psy-colleague told me she was planning to rent a room here. i feel no shame about my madness though she only knows pathological framings. imagining running into her now and feeling frozen on the spot. i shut my eyes and keep going.
approaching the service desk I say, “i would like to become a member”. the librarian takes me through the process and provides instructions on how to use the scanner. i ask if there’s a limit to how many pages i can scan. “50 pages at a time – that’s 25 pages double sided – otherwise the system will crash.”
i walk towards the scanner, soon realising that it’s smack bang in the middle of the library. there are people sitting all around me. i search the space for another possibility. there is none. pacing around the isles, i contemplate abandoning the project. but suddenly i am standing in front of the scanner, and the plan is already in motion.
the scanner doesn’t work. or, more accurately, i can’t work the scanner. i become extremely aware of myself and realise I need to ask for help. my bag is full of reasons why asking for help is dangerous for me. resisting the invitation to be restrained by histories of restraint, i do it anyway.
as i’m being escorted back to the machine by the librarian, i ask, “is there another scanner available?” “this is it”, they say. “now where are your documents?”
i gesture towards my bag, “oh that’s a lot. it will take you some time”. my attention is drawn to the publicity of the process and the radiating heat in my body. “please give me your documents”, they say.
in my mind’s eye i see, “mental health records” written in thick black marker on the front of the files i am about to reach for. with a sleight of hand, i succeed at removing a sliver of pages without revealing the front of the file.
i can see their eyes scanning the document and i’m immediately attentive to any signs of judgement. postural changes, a heightened tone of voice, a change in their gaze. they shuffle the papers and start the scanner. within seconds the machine jams and an alarm sounds. my body tenses up as the room turns towards me.
i pull the crumpled piece of paper out of the machine and the voices of the psy-regime come alive. mocking my attempts to re-claim the archive and pathologising my mad resistance in condescending tones. nursing observations: remained quite stubborn. judgement and insight poor. confine to bed, strictly.
“use two hands and go slow”, the librarian interrupts. is my rough handling of the paper confirming what they read about me as being “disordered?”
the loud mechanical sound of the scanner breaks the silence of my surroundings. “oh, i am going to be so disruptive”, i say, “maybe this wasn’t a great idea”. i turn around and offer a silent public apology to the people in quiet study around me. some glance in my direction and shuffle in their chairs.
having fulfilled their duty, the librarian walks away and i begin discretely pulling small sections of the psy-archive out of my bag for scanning. the system logs me out after 30 seconds. i realise i have to move fast.
the pressure to keep pace induces a cold sweat and before long, admission records, growth charts, and diagnostic assessments are splayed all over the floor. four large files with my full name written in big block letters on the front become obstacles for people entering the aisles.
with every round of paper loaded into the tray, i become less and less concerned about discretion. people swerve around me, stepping over my discharge summaries, and taking sideward glances at the mess. the irony of “disordering” the space is not lost on me.
i am trying to find a rhythm but the machine continues to jam. the alarm sounds again, and again, and again. with sleeves rolled up, i start pulling page after page of psychiatric scrawl from the tray.
every now and then my eyes wash over the words. psychiatric diagnosis: blah blah. inpatient management reports. treatment orders. psychological assessments. intervention protocols. unsigned consent forms.
suddenly I feel a presence to my left. somebody is waiting to use the machine. i have so much left to go. i invite them to interrupt me and as they step up the scanner, i find myself squatting at their feet trying to pull my trauma out of their way.
lingering in the aisle to the right for a moment, i convince myself that the hospital’s refusal to send me a digital copy of the records is all part of the carceral regime. haunted by years of psychiatric surveillance, i see the faces of the various psy-professionals in everyone who looks my way.
returning to the scanner, i move through the remainder of the archive in a quickened pace. and as the last page hits the tray, i look up. exhale. and begin packing the past into a cheap yellow bag i got second hand on the internet.
searching the room once more for my colleague, my ex-partner, or other disordering witnesses, i recognise i am free to leave. moving through space in this way reminds me of how the threat of the psy-complex endures.
riding home in the rain, i notice the ordinariness of my surroundings. Sinead sings to me: take back the rage you gave to me. take back the anger that nearly killed me. take back what doesn’t belong to me.
when I arrive home, I feel an urgency to write. i scrawl this story to begin my counter archive.
Dealing with your records or any records really needs a support system. So brave to do this in your own. The whole history of medical records needs to be known and changes are so needed. Why can’t we be in charge? Also some records go into the government section with Probate Court at least in the United States. Some psychiatric departments had their own separate records from the general hospital records and charts.
The utter wall and perhaps multiple walled mazes need to not only breeches but dove within sone sort of community.
In the states the whole industry of medical charts has little to no privacy and a search is not supported. If one were to honor a therapeutic relationship one would think two way acess needed. This is what I saw what do you see with me? A true therapeutic milieu woukd have this as part and parcel of the healing program.
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The first medical records of mine to be handed over, were done so after the nurses and other doctors in my foreign born PCP’s practice finally figured out there were nefarious reasons why my PCP and her husband were having me neurotoxic poisoned. Thankfully, since my PCP knew she was in the wrong, she never put her crimes (my “fictional” medical records) on the internet, and the originals were handed over to me by nurses. My PCP and her husband were then kicked out of that medical practice.
But in those medical records, were my psychiatrist’s records, which were quite shocking to read, since he had literally declared my entire life to be “fictional.” Because he didn’t listen to me, didn’t believe me, and he’d gotten all of his misinformation about me from a pathological lying psychologist. Who’d gotten all her misinformation about me from a child abusing pastor, and his pedophile “soul mate’s” wife, according to my and my child’s medical records. Well, obviously that’s when I left my psychiatrist.
Then when I went to pick up my psychologist’s medical records, she tried to engage in her insane belief system, that all the worldwide distress of 9/11/2001 was caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain alone.
I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about, and didn’t care. For God’s sake, I had my young child with me at the time. What kind of a psycho tries to gaslight someone, right in front of her young child? I told her I was there to pick up my medical records, not to talk to her, so she reluctantly handed over her illegally doctored up medical records.
Then I picked up what was left of my medical records regarding the “bad fix” on my ankle, and learned my PCP’s husband was the “attending physician” at the “bad fix,” so it was all making sense to me. My PCP was dangerously paranoid of a non-existent malpractice suit.
Then I picked up medical records from when I dealt with my now FBI convicted doctor. And I literally needed to move out of state to get that FBI convicted doctor’s psychiatric “snowing” partner, to stop fraudulently claiming she was my doctor to insurance companies.
Can you say political and criminal abuse of psychiatry? I have an idea, let’s get rid of the bad systems within Western civilization, not the souls, since we’re all just imperfect humans. God’s the judge of humanity, not the psych “professionals.”
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, of Mad in Ireland. I’m 1/64th Irish … enough to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, I always figured … but I’m basically just a non-inbred American mutt. But one who recently learned I am technically related to both America’s current VP, and the British monarchy.
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I wish that you had had a clued-in Buddy with you for emotional support. Maybe someone will make that possible for those seeking these sensitive document-copies in the future. It is outrageous that you had to suffer twice.
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Oh, I’ve been following God, and had Him with me the whole time, so I’m okay. Thank you for your concern, BANANAS. But I do definitely understand the concept of, “to whom much is given, much will be required.” And know all doctors need to wake up to this reality, too.
As an ethical American banker’s daughter, who innately knows God has been keeping track of the money, since He couldn’t do a fair judgement, without doing so …. I do hope all doctors wake up.
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Ahhh documents.
Redacted; “censor or obscure (part of a text) for legal or security purposes.”
Edit; “prepare (written material) for publication by correcting, condensing, or otherwise modifying it.”
So to remove documents that expose the following facts is considered “editing”.
1. The Community Nurse was aware I had been ‘spiked’ with date rape drugs but failed to inform either the police or the doctors or other staff at the hospital that this had been done (and that he had confirmed the amount with the person who had ‘spiked’ me). He writes, wrongly, that I had been taking *** until yesterday, and “Nil other medication” so he was fully aware the benzodiazepines were not mine.
2. I was NOT anyone’s “patient” but the Community Nurse has taken the Triage documents and then transferred much of the information to a document titled “Outpatient Case Notes” which effectively makes me an “outpatient” of his hospital without even making any observations of me. The law requires him to have the name of a “treating psychiatrist” BEFORE he can call police and request their assistance with a “patient”. So the call on this forged document used to deceive police which contains the “Job Number” he received for his call to police requesting assistance is proof of his criminal conduct. There is a blank section titled DOCTOR at the very top of the Outpatient Case Notes, the absence of which is telling. Did he think I had a “treating psychiatrist”? If he did, I feel sure he would have written the name down to cover his arse. Remove this information from the narrative, because even the FOI Officer knows he is not allowed to use police as his personal thugs to do favors for ‘friends’ and snatch citizens who he knows have been ‘spiked’ from their beds.
So, ‘spiked’ with date rape drugs and a loaded weapon put to your head to make you talk to someone you would not speak to under any circumstances, a filthy ‘verballing’ Community Nurse. I wonder if police are providing the questions for his ‘assessments’?
Was the Community Nurse aware that my wife was going to plant a knife on me for police to find when they ‘swatted’ me for him? He certainly called her back and let her know he had procured police unlawfully, and to prepare the ‘scene’ ready for their arrival.
Now I understand that the unredacted documents my legal representatives had the right to examine to protect the community from human rights abuses would have made it fairly easy to identify the crimes committed, and the long list of prison terms for such crimes would be a little scary to those who knowingly offended. I wasn’t aware of how serious it all was at first……. and probably didn’t until they tried to snuff me in the Emergency Dept to ensure I didn’t exercise my right to complain.
Problem being that the Community Nurse no doubt subjected me to an act of torture, and his documents can not be used to defend his detention of me, and only as proof that the torture occurred. But then we have the cover up by the ‘Chief Psychiatrist’ in his letter of response to the Law Centre who were only prepared to make a complaint based on the “edited” version of events provided to them by the hospital. That cover up (which could not be proved if the State had managed to retrieve the factual documents) makes the torture STATE SANCTIONED TORTURE. Well done Western Australia. Sure they just keep doubling down and I’m sure they have the people who did look fooled into thinking all sorts of falsehoods……. they have lied since the start, why would the State suddenly start acting with integrity? Especially when they are simply allowing complainants to be killed in the E.D.? I’m sure they do their best to avoid it but when “editing” includes acts of criminal fraud sanctioned by the State, the sky is the limit. Especially when the ‘advocates’ for human rights are complicit in the abuses, and will accept “edited” legal narratives and turn a blind eye while the State commits further breaches of the Convention against the use of Torture.
Liked your article Jessie. I don’t suppose the ‘system’ is any different in Ireland. They will only allow you (and your ‘advocates’) to see what they want you to see……….and the dark corner they create with perverting justice will remain just that, a place where they can kill any inconvenient truths, and “edit” the documents to ensure the law has been complied with.e blanket cover up
I get the feeling you may think that something was done which was wrong? Even with the proof, you will find it difficult to get more than a referral for a ‘snow job’ from police. They simply refuse to take documented proof of crimes and find “insufficient evidence”, an d call the criminals to come pick you up and deal with you via dribble therapy (and in some cases ‘air hunger’). The blanket cover up policy is allowing organized criminals to run rampant in the system.
While the cats away (accountability), the mice have turned to rats.
Good to see that when police can no longer deny the truth they may be forced to act despite the threats and intimidation they are famous for.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWB0M2Qg81E
This footage made me think of R Whitakers article on diagnosis as “hate speech”. I don’t see the police stomping on people and pepper spraying thei vaginas because they have diabetes….. and yet it’s just like insulin huh?
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No editing? Are you serious? This got published in pure lowercase with not even a single capital I? Now that’s just unprofessional and unbecoming of journalism. Not on the author’s part even, although the author is likely an english speaker and should absolutely have higher standards, but do you at MIA even HAVE editorial standards? I can’t possibly believe you do anymore.
What is this article even about? I’m sorry you had this stressful experience but… what’s the message? This is a grammatically abhorrent blog post on a site that claims to be about journalism and I’m just very confused and disappointed right now.
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As one who now has Google literally seemingly hacking into my computer, since us here on MiA are discussing important and relevant topics. I will say, it’s not likely just me dealing with computer hacking crimes, MiA may be also, so sorry to MiA and their commenters. I do think MiA is trying to ethically report on important truths, which big Pharma and the psych industries want to deny … and also seemingly the computer industries
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I have often wondered about the ‘confidential’ nature of commenting. It’s never really bothered me if someone was covertly checking out what I have been saying, mainly because all it means is that it is one more person for police to intimidate and threaten once they realise I am telling the facts as they are.
But would it be the case that if Google were given a task to spy on the whole Nation that it is illegal? I mean there is a certain church which uses a confessional they claim is confidential but which seems to have information released to certain ‘authorities’ in exchange for immunity when it comes to certain predilections of some of their senior clergy.
I know in my instance when I had explained everything to a psychologist and police then tried to have me referred for a ‘snow job’ for presenting them with documented proof of public sector misconduct by a Community Nurse, police tasked him with finding out “who else had seen the documents?” Is it really his role to be asking questions for police no matter the motive? Eg covering up for the Minister, or investigating the exposing of their ‘informants’ who had escaped justice due to their criminal negligence.
Things used to be much simpler in the days when we could trust one another.
Major developments here in my State where the government is removing firearms from people they call “sovereign citizens” (a label applied with the care of a psych diagnosis, ie arbitrarily). The issue being they have not defined what a ‘sovereign citizen’ is, and simply go and remove their guns for their political beliefs. I’m sure this is a repeat of the laws that were passed some years ago that denied us the right to meet with 2 or more people in a public place without a permit from the State (s. 54 [b] of the Criminal Code). The politicians used police unlawfully to achieve an end, knowing that the law they had passed was unconstitutional, but which took 14 years to overturn in the High Court. Personally I find it treasonous that politicians would use their positions of power to subvert the Constitution, and I don’t think I’m alone in that. But consider these are people who have been covering up acts of torture by allowing ‘little whoopsies’ in the E.D. of anyone who tries to complain (despite signing the Optional Protocols extending the rights of torture victims) so their morals and ethics are a bit more than questionable.
These ‘sovereign citizens’ seem to have started setting up their own Courts where they have trials and convict and sentence corrupt public officials (with no power to enforce their orders). This has grown exponentially since the covid lockdowns and the lack of accountability, and corruption of the Courts/Police. I suppose this worries corrupt public officials, and so they are going to use unconventional methods to deal with them. I would have assumed the Mental Health Act would have been highly effective in the removal of weapons, but maybe firearms owners were on to that given the abuses that are already happening (if only they knew all it took was a nurse to forge a documents titled Outpatient Case Notes and their whole world would come crashing down huh?).
Strange that Sharia Courts have been set up in the mosques, and they are issuing fatwas but the ‘sovereign citizens’ can not do the same without fear of being targeted by the government for their political beliefs. I guess they don’t want people documenting facts when they prefer the “edited” version of reality they so carefully prepared earlier.
So is Google hacking us? Not without some serious ‘authority’ I would suggest (Watergate? If the President does it, it’s legal?). But that’s not such a stretch given what we were told by Snowden. In fact I get the feeling the relaxing of censorship on Farcebook only occurred once they had the means to ensure they had total control of the narrative. Then the arrests started in the UK.
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