I Declared Myself Jesus and Still Avoided the Psych Ward

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I had a short lived but still a proper psychosis two weeks ago. That’s the thing, even on the right medication for me (I am on cariprazine, known as Vraylar in the USA), I can get into the state that is described as ‘psychotic’ by the medical field. I might disagree and say it’s a spiritual emergency, but I know that whatever I call this phenomenon, as mild as it can be, I need proper medical supervision in a hospital.

I had a mild psychosis. I could still function (including at my work), and fooled everyone around—my psychiatrist, my friends, my son—that I was fine. I wasn’t. And it was all online. Saying that I am Jesus. Recording songs with my Ukrainian refugee friend at 3am and putting it online. Not knowing which next Amazon parcel will arrive after I overspent my money in a huge shopping spree: two new coats, ten jumpers, new shoes, numerous beauty creams and perfumes. I mentioned somewhere that my biggest passions in life are books and writing—this was a lie. My biggest passion is ordering and trying stuff, new serum for super-sensitive skin, hydrating foot mask, hair perfume and body lotion. I still find passion in writing, but have been reading the same book for more than a year, because of exhaustion. Being a single mother, in a new country (the Netherlands), with all my family that joined us here dead, I can hardly cope, and that’s why I get so many psychoses—and surprise parcels from Amazon. I find my escape in shopping.

AI-generated image of a woman holding pills and a credit card amidst a pile of boxes and bubble wrap

On the surface, it looked like I finally nailed it. Three weeks of some slightly weird behavior (such as my declarations about Jesus) and I was back at work, fully functional from the outside—working as a teacher at universities and raising my son. My pills help me in this endeavor, but what I really need are not pills, but a good man who could help me. But there is a paradox in being bipolar and a single mum—I attract men who want a mum, not a partner.

With experience, and with almost ten psychoses behind me, I don’t let others to bully me or take advantage of me. I learned not to pay much attention to those who judge me for being occasionally ‘crazy’. I see many people who are off sick with a ‘burn-out’, and return to work two years later, while I am there, still working, even amidst the psychosis, doing my best.

I attract a lot of envy too. How come she has such a high position and a nice house, and still dares, they ask? Well, that’s because I worked and have been working extra hard to achieve everything, everything by myself, based on merit, and no one can stop me from pursing my dreams, no one. Neither a man or a doctor.

I was diagnosed with ‘schizophrenia’ by my first psychiatrist and emerged from my first hospitalization wishing to die. Most of us emerge in this state from the psychiatric hospital, and nothing has changed in this respect—those who end up there are zombified by high doses of anti-psychotics, stripped of their dignity and proclaimed mad. It’s the main reason I have fooled my psychiatrist—I have been avoiding the mental hospital at all costs, even though it’s also exactly what I need in my psychoses—a place of rest and calm, where someone gets my credit cards off me and my phone, and lets me heal on my own terms.
But this is impossible. I have been naively thinking that we moved on, with psychiatric mental health care, but we haven’t. It’s with great sadness that I discovered that not only nothing has changed for the better—it has become worse. In the UK they don’t even prescribe cariprazine (the medication that I need), because it is too expensive under NHS. No one is fighting for our rights any longer and people wait for months to receive urgent medical care. And my good friend in America died by suicide.

I have been lucky that I moved to Friesland in the Netherlands. And I have been very lucky to have ended up under the care of my current doctor, but I can see the pressure on him too. Many more people are experiencing mental health difficulties after the trauma of COVID, and no one does anything about it. On the contrary, we keep silent about it while it’s precisely what we should be all talking about. We were taught to obey to all rules, even the most ridiculous ones, and don’t dare anymore to challenge nonsense, be it the official approach to the war in Ukraine, or providing good medical care to those who need it. But this isn’t happening, and it breaks my heart.

Those who report terrible side-effects from psychiatric drugs are still being ignored. Others wait for ages for life-needed help, but once they get it, they get too much, making them disabled and unable to work. The fact that I am still working is because of my childhood. Being thrown out of a home (and later, a country) I learned how to stand on my own feet from the age of seventeen. Try to survive on a single banana (and sometimes, none) per day for a year or two—and nothing can break you after. I did that. I survived, and from all my crises I emerge as a winner.

But I have been lucky. I was finally put on a medication that works for me. I might still get a psychosis, as my recent relapse showed, but it was short-lived and I am not feeling down, or overdosed by psychiatric drugs. I just took one single pill of lorazepam to get back into normal mental shape, or what appears as normal—I am too tired to justify myself. I have my psychoses where I feel loved by God, and I decided a while ago that what I hear and see in a psychosis is my personal truth that I don’t consider an ‘illness’. It is something I just have—no need to try to silence me with a high dose of something terrible that will deprive me of my desire to live and to enjoy small pleasures in life, such as a nice walk, or making a soup. Psychosis is not a disease to be cured; it is a profound, overwhelming experience that needs containment, care, and meaning—and I refuse to let anyone reduce it to ‘serious brain illness’.

On high doses of the wrong medication, I lose the ability to enjoy life. It can become torture. I was once in such state when I was put on injections. I thought it was the end of me. I saved myself from it by being insistent. I wrote to my psychiatrist everyday asking to stop them, I never gave up on myself. And I won. I was put off it, replaced by the cariprazine that helps me to live as I want, not how others think you should live (with my diagnosis of bipolar disorder—confined somewhere without a job). I won’t let it happen. Ever.

But others? They suffer. They are still overdosed, they are still on medications that don’t work for them, and no one seems to think about how to help these people. I also need help, and wonder how we could all help each other so that the terrible stigma around mental health stops, and one can go into the hospital without feeling like a total failure or a freak. Do you think it is possible?

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Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.

50 COMMENTS

  1. i think that humanity is Doomed.

    i have many ideas for what a better society & mental health system & treatment could look like – But there will never be any agreement on it all, let alone a concerted effort to create it all.

    Trying to get any agreement in mental health areas is worse than herding cats.

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      • Ekaterina: Have you ever explored the early pioneers writing about their experiences in the USA? Anton Boisen, Ruell Howell, Beers? For to realize our history when there are many who are trying to erase the experience, the travesty of what shows a better way?

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    • In the 90’s my efforts were focused with becoming involved with 1) Advocates Taking Action in Kentucky Against Mental Illness (ATAK/MI), 2) Ky Protection and Advocacy’s Advisory Council, 3) Ky Vocational Rehabilitation and several other local organizations. Oddly, in the efforts to organize the first statewide Art Show, in the local Printer who was a member of the Union, printed the annoucement as (Advocates Taking Action Against Mental Health). I still have the whole wrapped cards, now more for expression of Art. So, to expect everyone to understand the words we are using, the failure of governing policies relating to the industry of health care, then I would be asking you what are the boundaries of how you are perceiving the mental health system(s)? What is the scale of relationship by which you are creating meaning within self and then connecting with the world beyond your skin (as a box)? Interesting outlooks in the posts!

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  2. You claim to own your psychosis and say it is not an illness, but then you still defend medication that you say you need, despite the fact that you acknowledge that it shouldn’t be possible to go into psychosis on it. How do you know that’s a relapse then, and not something the drugs are doing to you? Do you believe you have a brain disorder? What else is relapse? You say your psychosis is not an illness and you’re right, but then the rest of how you talk about it is still very medicalized.

    And then you defend hospitalization while saying you’re avoiding it despite needing it? Framing a psych hospital as a safe, calming place for rest and healing on your own terms makes me unable to believe you’ve actually been in a hospital, because what you’re describing is a Soteria house, not a hospital, certainly not a UK hospital.

    People cure themselves from so-called schizophrenia and it is not by taking drugs for the rest of their lives. I would encourage you to look into the niacin regimens that have helped people rid themselves of persistent psychoses. Finding supportive people is certainly another non-negotible step in the process too, but obviously easier said than done.

    To answer your last question, no, it is not possible to improve psychiatry. I don’t believe antipsychotics actually help anything except by appearance, by sledgehammering the soul back into the box society decided it needs to fit in. There will never be an improvement in the stigma because psychiatry and its idea of brain disorders that need lifelong brain-shrinking poisons are precisely why the stigma exists in the first place. Psych hospitals will never be places of healing so long as they attempt to heal the soul by torturing the brain.

    I’m glad you’ve avoided the worst of the long-term antipsychotic outcomes but it pains me to see a remaining attempt to defend the very system you simultaneously criticize, that tortured you and continues to torture millions of people every day. I hope one day you can work through the root causes of your psychosis and find true freedom from psychiatry.

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        • Have you ever used a sledge with a wedge? Takes probably a lot more effort to understand where a thought moves through the whole brain, and then discover the uniqueness of each letter being typed into the reply. Not sure if this is a box, though a line is drawn around this space, not necessarily to fit within, but to ask question for the benefit of my soul and animalistic componet of self. Just think, some hammer on diamonds, knowing what parts will remain to sparkle. Similar to the box.

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    • Ekaterina is doing what she can in a system that doesn’t offer what she needs when she needs it: a safe place to ride out psychosis that doesn’t force-drug her. She’s found what works for her in a world that limits her choices.

      The least we can do is respect the choices others make in living their lives—unlike the “mental health system” that offers people few, if any, livable choices.

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    • Dear Bonnie,
      Thank you for having read my article and for your thoughtful, elaborated reply.
      I agree that it sounds a bit confusing: like I criticize the system, while still being in it. Unfortunately, I haven’t found a way out of the system as yet. I lead a very stressful life, where I work to provide for my son and myself, and am a single mother with vulnerability to psychoses. With no family around us to support me and my son. Without my current pills, and my current psychiatrist, I would have had a major relapse, instead of a short one, and end up in a mental hospital, which isn’t kind, and doesn’t provide that one really needs – something like Soteria house, indeed.
      Yes, I have been to psychiatric hospitals in the past. In the UK it was total nightmare. I ended up on aripiprazole after two months of them trying to ‘heal’ me, and did have a medication based psychosis from aripiprazole. I was sectioned twice in the UK, and thought I would never make it. But I did. I moved to the Netherlands, got a job, and a good psychiatrist who put me on cariprazine, which does help me not to loose it completely.
      Yes, of course, I don’t want to rely on medication for the rest of my life. But my current circumstances don’t allow it. I need to ‘co-operate’ with the system while I am raising my son, while reflecting at the same time how to make it better, kinder and more empathetic.

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    • Bonnie, your phrase “heal the soul by torturing the brain” could not but make me think of the medieval Inquisition, in which alleged heretics, sorcerers, witches, and other “deviants” underwent gruesome tortures in order to purge their sinful bodies.
      The practices of biomedical psychiatry perform the same social role, except that the current rationale for them uses medical instead of religious language. But the dogmatic, arrogant, inquisitorial mindset of the practitioners remains eerily similar.

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  3. Have you ever been able to stay with the focus of your gaze moving within the path of bipolarized thinking? The mental effort to detach from this path within the culture of the medical practices can be difficult. Perhaps more so traveling between languages of cultures? Any sense for a universal?

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    • Dear Bill,
      thank you for having read my article, and for your reply.
      What would be the universe solution, in your opinion?
      Yes, I don’t really believe in diagnoses – but unfortunately, this is how the current system works, and I don’t see any other solution than to change it from ‘within’, by advocating for a better, more compassionate care. People do become unwell, the distress is real, but once they seek help, they become stigmatized and even more despaired, in some cases. How to change that?

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      • I once read a book, “Elena: A Love Story for Humankind”. Have you explored the story while discovering the key into the lock of the doorway into the Soul of Jesus? Systems thinking is to understand the structure of the system(s) and how to improve, while understanding the tuning to the Universal. If one walks the mobius curve, how does learn to discover the beauty in unlocking the lock?

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          • In reading different books, sometimes I use sticky notes just to raise questions for later. How do you edit a book if not also the moment, in thought and action? I just gave the book in part as a Christmas Gift to an incredible friend, physician and artist whose work shows at the Kore Art Gallery in Louisville, Ky. A few years ago, I attempted a progam at the University of Humanistics in Utrecht. But then 9/11 and due to the surge in security if not my own challenge to nail down the boundaries of my research question, the decision was made to pull back. Also, while visiting the area of the state where the folk art museum is located, the church members had visited Russia and the coptic clergy were advancing the idea of Russia wanting to be the world power. So, in one’s imagination, how does one sense and share power as an individual or nation state seemingly better for peace rather than war? Since you have learned several languages, then how are you voicing your own language as an art form? While discovering the poetics of “To LIFE”?

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          • This was a powerful essay, Ekaterina. Those of us caring for someone who experiences psychosis as part of a diagnosis of bipolar disorder see the same kinds of difficult hospital protocols in the U.S. (over medication, especially when the patient is a 6 ‘3″ adult male) and assumptions about what kind of outpatient care will be sufficient (almost nothing). Writing is a way to make sense of it for me as a poet, which I wrote about in this journal: “Did Some Happen?! Using Poetry to Tell My Son’s Poetry” https://www.madinamerica.com/2024/06/did-something-happen-the-power-of-poetry-in-telling-my-sons-story/
            and in my book that preceded the essay. We need to have other, kinder, more expansive narratives about the experience of psychosis and the ways to care and heal that hospitals tend not to provide.

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    • From my understanding of the “mental health” dilemma–no, there isn’t any way to ameliorate a system that is rotten at the roots. Psychiatry (and its attendant evil pharmacology) will never understand the underlying problems such as: “what is mind?”, “where does consciousness come from?”, “what is a thought and how does it emerge?”…If such questions as these are not addressed and taken seriously, then psychiatry can continue to deceive naive and vulnerable people. Experts from other areas (quantum physics and philosophy, for example) need to step forward and debate the narrow views that are so popular today. (There are a few (very few) who are aware of the problems and are confronting them.)
      Note: I agree with Bonnie in that there are a lot of contradictions in Ekathterina’s story; but sadly, there are few places for “patients” to turn to. Perhaps the best one can do is to research for oneself–there are so many online resources now!

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      • Dear Lynne,
        Thank you so much for having read my article and for your comment.
        Yes, there are not that many places that offer Soteria kind of stuff. The only system we have is a psychiatric hospital.
        I agree with you that people should do their own research. This becomes increasingly difficult to do though amongst rapid proliferation of AI, that ‘summarizes’ stuff and people don’t really know, where to find other views, other alternatives, other paths.

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        • At one point does one become aware of creating an embodied idea of thought? The systems of health care and the physical facility or the thinking held by the various players, are being challenged. Just when one, if even one speaks up (See Elie Weisel in Conversation with Harry James Cargas) about a debate by American Youth, their argument was extremely flawed. The moment one steps outside of a psychiatric system, then what sort of system are you in? And AI is only driven by objective data. And a machine is not a Human! To unpack one’s thinking is not about the codified rules of law; rather how and why can even one perish? When the questions have been and are being dropped in the hopper to be considered for intervention? The costs have never been understood, in that the purpose of life, the thinking conveyed in the U.S. Constitution and Declaration, somehow seemingly conveys a certain legal standing filled with the power, of the We, the People…. not We, the Bankers, the Gamers or the Casino operators, though as citizens there is also a right to exist. Reasons behind the 14th amendment if not issues, but a citizen is a citizen is a citizen! How can one even realize one can create and be with an economy for good?

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        • Somehow, the very juxtaposition of the words “psychiatric” and “hospital” grates on me.
          I associate hospitals with the treatment of illnesses that have a verifiable physical origin. Psychiatric institutions, on the other hands, dispense neurotoxins and administer ECT to disable higher cognitive functions under the pretext of “healing” purely hypothetical disorders.
          Am I splitting hairs, or does medicalized language have a significant impact on the way we perceive this subject?

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      • Lynne, earlier this year, I came across Fritjof Capra’s book “The Turning Point.” It was published in about 1983 or so. He has a PhD in physics and collaborated with several people in writing the book, including Stanislav Grof and RD Laing. He and many other physicists recognize the revolution of thinking that needs to happen in other areas as it did when quantum physics came along and modified physics so significantly. He wrote about how Newtonian physics works well for a certain range, but that quantum radically modified things. Capra also wrote “The Tao of Physics” which compares physics to the Eastern religions and mysticism.

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        • Which direction do you see the point rotating? Does the quantum discovery occur in the changing of direction somewhere within the thought process? And if so, can you also realize the infinite emergent qualities within and outside this moment of time?

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  6. Cariprazine interesting drug led to my family member having a horrific and protracted non voluntary admission. After a week on it developed hand washing obsession 40 to 50 times an hour hands in tatters and extreme violence truly terrible. Of course once psychiatry got their hands (pun intended) on him that was it. Has taken 2 years to restore any functioning .
    It is easier said than done to completely opt out of the system and I admire all those who have.
    Glad you have found good support Ekaterina

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    • Dear K,
      yes, I was lucky to stumble upon an excellent doctor, whose aim is to empower each of his patients. There aren’t that many open doors outside the system, as you say, and you are right – there aren’t. While it is exactly what we need – alternative, kinder escapes from a system that blames you for becoming sick, and then condemns you, if you don’t follow the rules. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to achieve, unfortunately, from what I see.

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  7. This was an odd read for me, not so much because of the content. I was expecting a story from someone from the US. But I am from Friesland, the Netherlands, and we could be neighbours. I was totally let down by literally the same institutions when I tried to cure my addiction.
    Instead of detox, I was prescribed antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, and so on. I am a whole lot of labels richer, but in the end, I had to quit cold-turkey, alone. They made it so much harder, and it nearly cost my life.
    I hope you’re doing well.

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    • Dear Wesley,
      I just got very lucky, I got a compassionate, kind psychiatrist, who doesn’t care about my diagnosis, and even less when I tell him, I am Jesus. As long as it doesn’t affect my daily functioning, he isn’t bothered by my delusions. He did put me eventually on something I can tolerate. Whether I have to take my meds for the rest of my life – this is a question that bothers me, but I am not in any capacity at this moment to change, stop, or even taper.
      Wow, yes, maybe we are neighbors?

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      • Thank you for sharing your personal story Ekaterina. I
        applaud the fact that you have come to an understanding of how to navigate your own life that enables you to function on your own terms, and in a way that works for you for maintaining your own mental well-being. The path for recovery should always be individualized. I have read all the comments added to this up to 8th December and I want to contribute my own thoughts.

        By profession I am an Occupational Therapist who has dedicated over 25 years to working in the mental health field both in the UK and latterly in the USA.
        I have helped numerous experiencers of psychosis and other mental health situations who needed to be afforded safe place and space in a suitable environment that can facilitate recovery and sometimes this needed to be long-term. Not everyone in psychiatry is lacking in compassion or awareness, but there are many problems within institutionalized care for sure and most specifically around use and abuse of medication prescribing.

        I have been on the receiving end of this myself over the past three years. Being in my late fifities, I have found myself hospitalised several times on the back of what I now understand to have been spiritual emergency and spontaneous kundalini experiences which were definitey perplexing and even unsafe as they were occurring. These got misdiagnosed firstly as atypical psychosis (probably the most true assessment at the time) which resulted in no long-term medication being prescribed, as it resolved quickly. The second occasion resulted in a diagnosis of schizophrenia being made where, apparently, I should have been on sodium valproate indefinitely, but I rejected this, and my last admission resulted in the psychiatrist determining that I was bipolar and would need to be sectioned for up to six months if I did not “agree” to taking lithium bicarbonate and invega sustenna (an awful drug) ” in perpetuity”. I agreed to one injection in order to be released but know that I will never be taking these drugs again through free choice because I know that I am not bipolar. I had experienced a period of crisis that has now been integrated and I am better for it!

        Lack of granting ability to make truly informed choices around our own care, remains a fundamental concern in most areas of healthcare, not just mental health. I also acknowledge that sometimes we may lack capacity to act clearly and sometimes others in authority need to step in. However, the ways in which this happens requires a huge rethink and there absolutely needs to be a major overhaul of current psychiatry in most areas of practice.

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        • Dear Pamela,
          I agree with all the points you raised, and I also don’t really think I am ‘bipolar’ but they had to come up with something due to my multiple psychoses. Again, as I had already said before – pity they didn’t let me ‘heal’ (my first psychosis was absolutely mind-blowing!) by myself, and put me on the anti-psychotics (then) that made me sick, and didn’t help with anything.
          I also believe that the system has to have a radical reform, and transformation of it into something kind, empathetic, personalized and caring, where, whatever is the diagnosis, people can fully recover and lead a life of quality and empowerment, instead of being punished and stigmatized, like is the case today.

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  9. I just wanted to add this, Ekaterina. In another time and in another culture, such experiences would have been regarded as sacred, like those of shamans or mystics, as inner transformative experiences. Today the whole thing is treated as a psychological disorder. So who is actually sick? Isn’t it true that we live in a sick society?

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  10. Dear Ekaterina,
    I tend to agree towards your thinking in all respects. Having an adult 40 yr son who had a first episode as yours at 28 yr., we have observed similar as you in our son. He is always initiating good ideas of working, hobby etc.. and following through with them. Loving, caring, thoughtful, distracted 24/7 with thinking he is Jesus and the turmoil that goes with it. Pretending for others he is not, concerned about the horrendous injustice in the world, the suffering of people, etc. Curiously, do you have similar reason to want to be Jesus to this degree, to bring the world peace, security and justice? I am uneducated and have no ability to diagnose, just seems like it contributes to his wanting to be Jesus. We have first-hand observation daily as he lives with us. Hopefully in a supportive way but….as a parent it is heart-wrenching, difficult and confusing. The mental health care system is as you say, we feel also. Thank you for any insight. You are one strong person. Blessings to you.

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    • Dear Rosemarie
      I am of the opinion that the desire to experience Christ consciousness, is not a pathology but part of establishing spiritual identity. I have also had several powerful situations where I felt the intensity of this “force.” I am not even a devout Christian at this point in my life, but was raised Mormon. I distanced myself from this path when I was in my twenties but adhered to what I consider sound moral values. However, it is in my fifties that I have experienced a profound spiritual awakening. It found me, I did not go looking for it. In some ways this can be more jolting because it is not derived from intentional truth-seeking alone but from the soul being activated to come into its own authority. Please continue to support your son in a way that is safe and if possible avoids unnecessary drug prescription. Are you able to find a therapist or counsellor who is trained in transpersonal psychology? Being able to talk with someone of this persuasion who is non-judgmental but also “keeps things” real may help your son to integrate this journey better. Hope this helps.

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    • I agree with the comment left by Pamela who answered the question, where I totally recognize my own experience.
      The state of ‘psychosis’ can sometimes be compared to ‘enlightenment’, sudden realization that we aren’t alone and that there is God and Divine presence. That’s what I feel in my ‘psychoses’. I think that that feeling of belonging to something bigger than us, and seeing what I saw in my visions – made me to identify with Jesus, because of intensity of my experience and absolute faith in Jesus. I am not the only one to identify with Jesus when this happens, many other psychiatric patients report the same (and your son too). So, it is normal. It is normal to feel like Jesus and identify with him. He did say it himself too. We are all parts of Jesus and of the divine plan. We are all children of God.

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  11. Having Christ Consciousness is NOT a mental illness. Jesus actually wants us to be Christ. Because being one with God is enlightened, not mentally ill. I am autistic and going into seminary because God told me that autistic people were from the Tribe of Judah and were Messianic people here to bring peace. You are incredibly blessed. What a beautiful gift you have! Anyone can obtain Christ Consciousness but neurodivergent people find it easier to do that.

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  13. Inspiring Ekaterina
    You are a great writer activist and human being !
    Loved your article so passionate and true
    I too am bipolar anx need meds to stay in the safe zone
    I agree we need to fight to remove Stigma, we deserve better!
    Warm wishes for a good spell of good health

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