3 minutes.
He looks at me—
No friendship in his eyes
How could there be?
He is clinician
I am case.
For 10 more minutes
I talk to him about—
What? I don’t remember.
Something that made him think—
Pen inside his little notebook, becoming
An unwanted author
To my life—
schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type
1st year.
Memory dies—
and fails to resurrect
“What did you say?”
“I missed that”
“Can you repeat—”
Another year of school…
You are ill
2nd year.
Creativity abandons me—
“You’ve changed…”
Yeah,
I no longer tell jokes
They’ve become
tiring
4th year.
Medication that
made
my body
no longer
my own.
4th year.
All these anti-psychotics.
Increasing dosage.
Increasing dosage—
fuck.
5th year.
Hope tells me this has become
Too much to witness…
She leaves me.
6th year.
Psychoses are cyclical
Expectation:
February, March, August,
September, April,
May
Make sure to budget for collapse.
7th year.
I’ve become a drug addict—
And I really don’t care.
7th year.
I want to die.
7th year.
I try to die.
7th year.
I fail—
8th year.
New psychiatrist.
Listens to me.
What happened to you?
Not for fifteen minutes.
An hour and a half.
I’m sorry.
I’m not charged extra.
Second session:
You’re on too many meds.
Third session.
childhood
& childhood.
Fifth session.
This doesn’t sound like bipolar.
Sessions 6 – 10
Melody, this is trauma.
Severe, prolonged trauma.
Correct Diagnosis:
You’ve suffered more than your body stood a chance to bear.
***
https://softdefiance.substack.com
***
Melody, this is beautiful. and heartbreaking. I’m so glad you were properly seen
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“Creativity abandons me”
“Medication that made my body no longer my own.”
“Make sure to budget for collapse.”
“You’ve suffered more than your body stood a chance to bear.”
Wow, this is all so relatable. The only part I can’t relate to is the happy ending of finally having your trauma named & acknowledged & validated. I must say, I’m a little jealous of that. Glad you got that, though. Everyone deserves it.
Thank you for writing this & sharing your experience.
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