Death in a Bottle: My 24-Year Battle with Benzodiazepines

By
-
21
2252

I was 16 years old when a doctor handed me my first Xanax. I didn’t ask for it. I just said I was stressed. I was closeted, scared, and trying to navigate the world as a young gay kid, and that was enough. One pill. One taste. That’s all it took.

I wish I could go back and stop that 16-year-old version of me. I wish I could scream, “Don’t take it.” But I didn’t know. And once your body gets a taste for it, it never stops wanting it. That’s how benzos work. They don’t help you. They hook you.

A few years later, I was prescribed Klonopin by a cash-only doctor who gave me whatever I wanted for $300. I was trying to get clean from Oxy at the time, and instead I got thrown deeper into the fire. That doctor later lost his license. I never lost the pills.

Now I’m 40, and I’ve been on Klonopin for over 15 years. You want to know what it feels like now? It feels like nothing. I could take five of them and still sit across from you like nothing happened. They don’t calm me. They don’t fix me. They just keep me from going into withdrawal.

Because the truth is, if I stop taking Klonopin cold turkey, I could die.

I could have a seizure. I could die.

That’s what nobody tells you.

You hear about opioid withdrawal all the time. Purdue this, Purdue that.

But here’s what they’re not talking about:

Benzo withdrawal can kill you.

Benzo withdrawal does kill people.

And nobody seems to care.

I’ve been through that withdrawal. More than once.

I’ve stood in a shower, looking at a razor, after five nights of no sleep, feeling like I was being electrocuted from the inside out. I’ve sat in a packed movie theater, shaking, hallucinating sounds, trying not to scream. I’ve collapsed in a bathroom, unable to pee, unable to think, unable to be.

I’ve been through enough rehab centers to know this. They aren’t built to treat benzo withdrawal. They want you off in a week, maybe two, using weak tapers with lorazepam and wishful thinking. But this isn’t a two-week detox. This isn’t a spiritual breakthrough. This is chemical warfare, and we’re the ones left bleeding.

And the worst part? I’m not even taking Klonopin because it helps me.

I’m taking Klonopin so I don’t go through withdrawal from Klonopin.

That’s the trap. That’s the truth.

Now I live every day counting pills. Planning vacations around my prescription. Hoping my new doctor won’t cut me off. Wondering if I’ll be okay next month. My life, my freedom, my identity, all tied to a pill bottle.

You want to know what I’d say to someone just handed their first Xanax?

Don’t. Take. It.

That’s not anxiety relief in your hand. That’s your future slipping away in silence.

And to the makers of Klonopin and Xanax, Teva, Roche, all of you hiding behind generics and profit margins, I have a challenge for you.

Take your own product. Every day. Two milligrams. For a year.

Then I’ll lock you in a room and take it away.

Let’s see how safe it feels then. Let’s see how fancy your cars look while you’re shaking on the floor.

This system is broken. And it’s killing people quietly.

So here’s what needs to change:

No more long-term benzo prescriptions.

Pharmacists need to flag doctors writing beyond seven days.

Long-term users like me should be cared for, not punished.

And the silence has to stop. Today.

This isn’t just my story. This is reality for millions of people who never knew what they were signing up for.

If I have to scream loud enough to make them listen, then fine.

Let it be me.

I’m Timothy John Snyder.

And I’m not staying quiet anymore.

***

Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.

RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR

21 COMMENTS

  2. Thank you for sharing your story, Timothy. I remember a couple decades ago, when I was first researching into the psych drugs, I watched a video of a woman in benzo withdrawal – it was truly heartbreaking. When will psychiatry stop harming people for profit? God bless you on your healing journey.

    Report comment

  3. Timothy

    Thanks for the courage to tell your personal story and for speaking out about the dangers of benzo dependency, and the related crimes of the individuals and institutions who so carelessly harm (or kill) millions of innocent victims.

    If you go into the Mad in America search engine, you will see that I have authored multiple blogs on the benzo and opioid epidemic and those responsible for it. Here is one titled : “Who and What Killed Prince and Michael Jackson? When Will the Role of Benzos Be Revealed?” https://www.madinamerica.com/2016/08/what-killed-prince-and-michael-jackson-will-the-role-of-benzos-ever-be-revealed/

    I also have a music video on my YouTube channel titled “Benzo Blue” that has received 5.5K views – some people have said it helps in their recovery. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYuhNEn2OKw Some people have also found help at the benzo buddies website among others.

    I wish you the best in your struggle – please keep writing and speaking out

    Richard D. Lewis

    Report comment

    • You are not too old. A 95 year old veteran, prescribed Benzos for over 60 years did it and not with a doctor’s protocol. Having said that, I know of no physician who is capable of helping you. They seem to believe that simply being a doctor makes them capable. I’ve seen some hideous results as you have. Advertising doesn’t make anyone an expert.

      Report comment

    • You can taper but very slowly. The recommended tapering is cutting back 10% and see how that feels after two weeks. If ok, cut another 10%. It’s very hard getting the smaller increments but hopefully you can figure that out. Sending you best of luck.

      Report comment

  5. I was prescribed Xanax in 1997 when I was 32 years old. I did not even know what Xanax was back then. The doctor just told me I would need it for the rest of my life because I was having panic attacks. After starting Xanax. I experienced depression, so they tried about 25 different drugs to get rid of this depression and it never helped. Then in 2013 a doctor switched me from Xanax to 4 mg of Klonopin. I’ve been trying to taper off Klonopin since about 2017. I have not been able to work since 2014. I am down to about 2.34 mg per day divided into three doses via a compounding liquid. Thank God, I have a husband who hasn’t given up on me and he works too hard and constant pain. It’s bad stuff. that’s all I can tell you it’s bad. I’m barely functioning, but was I ever functioning on these drugs?

    Report comment

    • Well, tolerance is reached no matter the dosage. It’s tolerance to a dose#. Then the dose must be increased to maintain the effect. That’s why it is called, tolerance.
      Been there, done that, survived predatory medicine. Well, barely before I fired them and fixed this myself. Absolute Baloney is being sold, online, as “expert medical protocol”.

      Report comment

  8. Solidarity!! I finally kicked it after a taper process that lasted well over two years. Even cutting down off the last 0.125mg gave me withdrawals that lasted over 3 weeks and that are still echoing in my body. I’m 35 and was on the stuff for 10 years and my executive function was *awful* but I never realized the benzos were to blame. When I tried to taper while I had a vitamin D deficiency I was on the floor writhing for hours. So I tried again a year later. Psychiatrists had little to say or offer in terms of support. It’s awful, awful stuff. I wish you all the best and all the patience and good luck for a slooooow and successful detox.

    Report comment

  9. Thank you for this article which doesn’t surprise me. I lost my 26 year old daughter to suicide after her struggle with klonopin. No one seems to really believe me when I say it was the meds that made her suicidal.

    I support a good organization that is trying to raise awareness in the dangers of long term use of benzos: benzoreform.org. The organization is called the Alliance for Benzodiazepine Best Practices. (ABBP). And there’s another good nonprofit called the Benzodiazepine Information Coalition (BIC). I suggest we should support these organizations that have spent a lot of time and money trying to educate people, including the medical profession.

    Report comment

    • As a 34 year old woman, my heart goes out to you. This made me think of my mom. I was on a long term therapeutic daily high dose (never used outside rx) prescription of a short half life benzo multiple times a day for 12 years consecutively, initially prescribed by my (now retired) PC; I barely survived the most recent of many benzo related suicide attempts after -voluntary inpatient psych intervention- at the start of the year. Was prescribed a longer-half-life benzo and taper plan because I want so badly to be a mother. I’m in the final month of my taper and still struggle with this during withdrawal, the same way I did with tolerance for years. You are not alone. I am praying for you

      Report comment

    • “I lost my 26 year old daughter to suicide after her struggle with klonopin. No one seems to really believe me when I say it was the meds that made her suicidal.”

      I believe you. Klonopin made me suicidal. I am sorry you lost your daughter.

      The FDA warning is from 2008 – on the entire class of anti seizure medication (Klonopin is included in this warning). I found the warning in the “way back machine”. The warning is that “half of one percent” of people taking these drugs reports becoming suicidal. At current prescription rates (of Klonopin alone) – this is 60,000 people! (a year)

      Report comment

  10. Please understand that you can’t project your personal experience onto others. I took Valium twice a day for several years to deal with the stress of a toxic work environment. I was able to get out of that environment and I stopped taking the Valium on a regular basis with no problems at all. I now get a prescription for 30 tablets that lasts me over 6 months. I mainly take it for vertigo due to Menieres Syndrome. Rarely for anxiety. I understand people have had bad experiences with benzos. It’s worth a warning. But making benzodiazapines difficult to impossible to obtain is very wrong. Just like overprescription of antidepressants and other psychotropic medication and medication in general is wrong. Tylenol has caused liver failure in some people. But we aren’t yanking Tylenol off the shelves. Not yet, anyway.

    Report comment

LEAVE A REPLY