From Mad in Spain: Nobody taught us to bond in any other way than through emotional dependence and control of the other. But, furthermore, no one teaches us that we can feel how we feel and that that is okay, even if it is different from how the majority feels . We have a double job, which is impossible if it is not done with the other, the other, the other. We cannot unlearn suns. We don’t really know how to do it. And then we need those who connect with us to have enough love and patience to accompany us on that path, understanding that it is an unfinished process and not devoid of contradictions.
Read the full article here and the English translation here.Â
My answer to whether emotions are socially molded, even determined is a resounding yes, they are. Emotions to incest, eating certain foods, poligamy, sexual abstinence, loneliness are.
Feeling pride or opression using a tie might be too. For some britons chilaquiles taste like vomit, after hearing that sometimes I could not ignore that sometimes they do!.
Historically relationships are diverse, even in a single culture. Multiple partners, long/short term, the female sexuality/arousal kind of speak of diverse behaviours. Same for males. Kink is a thing.
There is this myth/story I heard among a native mexican group of individuals that didn’t want electrical lightning because it prevented them from going from house to house at night…dunno if it reflects reality, but it’s a good story if they were catholics.
Personally, for a long while I considered myself neurotypical, now because of labeling I’m not so sure, among other reasons.
And I can testify that if what I’m saying is true I have had no problem on/with neurodiverse partners. None. Don’t know their opinion on that, but I really never cared if they were neurodiverse or not, never questioned their behaviour as broken nor diseased.
In fact I loved some of what people would maybe more appropiately call quirks, that could pass as “symptoms”…
And I did went some “poly”, not oppenly, but I am sure 2 out of 3 were too.
And on that, without blaiming I can tell that it depended on me and on the partner. With one of them before that it was a very both way jealous relationship. Very.
Before and after that hardly. I was for the most part happy to whatever time was available to share a common space. Just the let’s not get pregnant or diseased, it was the AIDS epidemic age. And I did try to be there when I was needed, sometimes without sleep and little food for more than 36hrs, so I never “abandoned” or try to neglect my partners feelings and needs.
As for how to make someone understand that a bad feeling does not reflect on the partner, from my experience is pretty obvious when it does or it doesn’t. For me it’s instinctual, I could tell, obviously my partners can’t counter, but that, without being disableist, is an ability.
The classical: “can’t he not tell?”.
And I do strongly suspect that most of my partners did know, most of the time, when my feelings were reflecting on them or not. And I do because I explictly spoke about it. Why make sour grapes turn into sour wine?.
But without being defeatist I do think that learning or unlearning certain things in certain partners might be a no no. Some of us are just who we are, it’s a given not clay.
Apreciation for my partners was non negociable. I had to appreciate them, all of them, just the way they were. I learned that since I was around 12yrs old, and I always enjoyed it even if at least one time, the last, almost killed me and left someone else in a very tough spot, with me unable to do much to protect, nurture, etc. And even then it was the callousness, the criminality that made me leave, even run, not a particular disease/spectrum or diversity. Even a serious one as “psychopathy”…
See, I am also beautifull in my own peculiar way, just because people can’t appreciate that does not reflect bad on me. And I can tell because one good reason people attacked me and hurt me is precisely for my good qualities, not the bad ones, those in a cuasicriminal environment are a no no.
And I am not poylamorous, I’m certainly not jealous, but I was when in a single relationship that was great!. So…
And despite my alleged abandoned neurotypicity sometimes for a long while I got the impression that some folks were actually affraid of me. So, maybe some feelings are just part of who I am, and like with some partners for some folks it’s difficult or secret to elaborate on that.
And that I cannot ask directly either. And that feeling tends to get psychiatrized even if you can meassure somehow the fear/avoidant behaviour I claim I perceived. Asuming my future self brings the time machine I’m eventually going to build in the next few minutes, otherwise I feel like eating vomit…
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