Spirituality & Recovery,

Faith & Mental Illness

Great post Faith, thanks. Much to think about, Chrys

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Thanks, Chrys! Hopefully, within the next couple of years, we’ll see a lot more awareness that so much of human distress is rooted in what might best be considered to be crises of spirit, self, hope and meaning.

The conflict between a belief in hope, healing, and the ability to be transformed and the ideas put forth by the medical model is very problematic…and there is a lot of potential there for dialogue and new perspectives.

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Great, Faith,

And, Chrys, I do not believe there will ever be a dialogue between the medical model folks and spiritual folks. Spirituality, the kind of raw stuff that comes upon ‘disturbed’ people. is labeled madness according to the medical people.

I have seen only two hallucinations in my life, one was a black, leather-face, read-eyed monster, and the other was a serene, longhaired breaded face in the sky. Both happened boom then boom.

Some firemen pulled me out of the creek and I was transported to the emergency room. There I was met by a man in a white coat, a doctor. I asked him, ‘Just tell me who that bearded -faced man in the sky was?”

After two weeks of straight jackets, and padded cells, and Haldol, I saw the doctor again. I was led into a room with many people. It was grand rounds. “Here is my chance to explain myself, my chance to get free.” The doctor was seated. He said to me, “How are you today?” “I’m very well, thank you.”
“You are NOT doing very well. I’m going to have you put away for the rest of your life!”

Well, needless to say, my parents transferred me to a private hospital, but the issue was all washed away. It would come up again, and of course that was thirty years ago, but let me give you an example that happened this year.

I got in a frenzy about some major leadership decisions made in the hierarchy of not one but two jurisdictions during the seven years I was asleep on neurolyptics had literally gone to Hell. I won’t go into the details. I got busy sending emails, questioning bishops, confirming my suspicions from reliable sources. I ended up screaming at the ER techs and was committed.

My doctor had been my doctor for most of the time I had been heavily medicated. He’s a good, practicing Catholic. The techs were noting what I was talking about. I heard the nurse read the notes to him.

I was calmed down just taking the Tegretal. I was sleeping. I was cheeking the anti-psychotic. The head on psychiatry had filled in for my doctor and I told him I was cheeking. He told me to tell my doctor. When He returned I did. He yelled at me. “You’re hyperreligious! and some other schizophrenic symptom.” He yelled he was sending me back to the state hospital. I asked for a second opinion. “Denied!” he yelled.

Psychiatry is at war with God. \

In the state hospital there are no athiests. My roommate had a devil tattooed on her tongue. There was a Moslem that made his prostrations for prayer during his evaluation. He was committed for 180 days. I thought it was supposed to take five symptoms to be diagnosed schizophrenic. If you hear voices, or see visions. or say more than three things about God that’s an automatic diagnosis.

Psychiatry is a theology. An anti-god theology. Anti-spirituality theology.

Thank God for my alternative psychiatrist. He explained to me I could do things that I was upset about if I stayed calm and thought about it. He’s a Catholic that prays. He said he hoped he wasn’t hyperreligious, laughing.

Faith, it is difficult to have confusing spiritual experiences with nobody around who can just even listen. Medical model psychiatrists nail you to the cross! Maybe they hate the thought of God because that would mean they would be accountable to someone with higher authority than themselves. They don’t lie the competition.

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Thanks, Maxima, for sharing so much of your story. I am looking forward to hearing more about how the trip to Geneva went re: human rights, torture, and forced psychiatric treatment.

I think you’re correct that there are some, er, issues between the primacy of psychiatric determination and the power of whatever people may think of as being God. Historically, the roots of psychiatry are thoroughly tangled up with suspicions about spirit possessions and dark humors, etc. The origins of our modern mental health system are also based in a tradition of religious intervention and a lot of the early institutions were run by people of faith, with the thought that rest, prayer, etc. could cure folks of “madness,” or at least quell what was seen as a condition.

So, the relationship between God and mental health goes way back.

In a lot of ways, this topic – spirituality and recovery, faith and mental illness – is one that has the potential to call into question the role of assumptions about what is and is not “healthy” spirituality, as well as what is and is not “God” – possibly leading to a better understanding of the way that the rubrics of religion and psychiatry have impacted our view of how people experience spirit and what that means in our modern social and cultural contexts.

One thing that madness certainly does is break the rules and test the boundaries. Our Western traditions of catechism and compliance are punishing of those who break the rules (see Bruce Levine’s essays on anti-authoritarianism and schizophrenia https://www.madinamerica.com/author/blevine/) and the reactions to expressions of questioning and/or defiance are not responded to with kindness, tolerance, or sensitivity to the fact that, as humans, tend to question what we have difficulty believing and that, psychologically, we experience distress when we encounter value conflicts and things we don’t understand.

Dr. Kehoe did bring up a very interesting point, which is reflected in the Sinnott research/theory cited above, that the way we conceive of God – our thinking about what God is and the power dynamics that we define those relationships by (e.g. God is kind, loving and forgiving, God is something to fear, God is punishing, you have to prove yourself to God, etc.) – are based in our early exposure to ideas about God and to our (this gets a little Freudian) relationships with people in our lives that share the attributes we assign to God. The punishing father, the punishing God, etc. etc.

I think one of the most important things that I have realized over the past couple of years is that people do not end up flagrantly psychotic and hopping into strangers cars to prove something to God, or jumping off of buildings, or standing on the street corner hollering at people to listen…if they are listened to when their questions arise and if they are responded to kindly, with understanding and acceptance.

For me, it took months of criticism, dismissal and cruelty in response to my questioning for me to end up alone on my porch, believing I was both forsaken and chosen.

It is not as if I didn’t reach out. I did. I called churches, I sent messages (which as time went on became increasingly strange) and nobody would listen, nobody would help. The Catholics said I could sign up for a class to learn how to be a Catholic, the synagogue said, “Well, that’s all very interesting.” The Baptists told me I was wasting the ministry’s time. My family would not even look at me. It was as if I weren’t allowed to wonder why I felt God in the world in ways I hadn’t before, like I couldn’t do that, like it wasn’t for me to have anything like a spiritual experience. It made them “uncomfortable.”

I think it is pretty common for people to end up psychotic when they need help and they need support and, in their seeking to meet their needs, they are treated cruelly. That, in and of itself, presents a huge challenge to spirituality and, for me, was pretty wounding to my faith in humanity, which certainly contributed to an escalated madness, putting me at odds with my own humanity.

There are some big links between trauma, psychosocial stressors, fear and the manifestation of messy, confused and unbridled madness. If there were safe places for people to ask questions, to sort through their thinking, to suss out their feelings and what they might mean, I doubt that the ER would see quite so many folks ranting and raving in split infinitives about persecution.

I need to do some research and find out more about peer support practices that are specific to psychosis and spirituality…because it is important.

Hope you enjoy the day…and thanks again.

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Addendum, re: this statement:

“I think one of the most important things that I have realized over the past couple of years is that people do not end up flagrantly psychotic and hopping into strangers cars to prove something to God, or jumping off of buildings, or standing on the street corner hollering at people to listen…if they are listened to when their questions arise and if they are responded to kindly, with understanding and acceptance.”

Actually, people experience madness in all sorts of ways, with all sorts of trajectories and manifestations…and, depending on a lot of different variables, people could be faced with some pretty heavy madness “out of nowhere” – so, I retract the above statement, as it is too generalist. I do think that, regardless of how it manifests, madness needs to be responded to with kindness and, as Mike Cornwall phrases it, “loving receptivity.”

Also, I think that madness is a necessary process for some folks, something they must go through as part of their development, their healing, their resolution, etc.

…and sometimes “madness” isn’t mad at all.

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Seth Farber really hit the nail on the head when he wrote UNHOLY MADNESS. The church has let humanity down. It has let God down. I had a bishop respond to an email I sent, telling me I needed a psychiatrist! It only confirmed to me that, yes, the Russian church was on a grim path. Grace was leaving. A lack of humility grieves the HS.

It is a terrible silence when you reach out to a clergyman and there is no response. I am so sorry that happened to . I remember when I did jump off a building to follow Christ, before I did I went to a church. The doors were locked. That deeply offended me, wounded me. As I said, I ended up jumping off a building, five stories.

I rejected the Haldol. A psychiatrist came to me when there was an empty bed on the unit. I begged him not to transfer me. I wanted to find out about God. I was talking to the nuns, a pastor.

I friend was in the room. He interrupted in very loud, strong tones, speaking fluent Italian. The psychiatrist was Italian. My friend had studied in Rome. The doctor left and never came back. I have no idea what he said. I was just so grateful the doomsday machine went away.

I wish I lived in a convent where I could go talk about my thoughts everyday with the abbess. To me that’s the only sane place to be.

May God help us.

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Thanks, Faith, for your wise words. My reading is that you have come to see that people with experiences like yours, and with encounters with psychiatry such as you have had, can and maybe need to commit to the path their experiences open for them. And that others who have done likewise may be able to help them do so, in a context radically different than what the medical model offers. I know David Lukoff’s work a bit, and can see parallels.
I will pass on to friends here who in different ways will I am sure value your article.
Steve

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I started reading and realized by the time I read the comments I don’t have time now to coherently respond to Faith and others. But it will be too late by the time I do. So I’ll just make a few hasty distinctions and quote from another master on the topic.

The distinction I want to make is between spirituality as subversive and spirituality as conservative.

I’ll omit discussing
reactionary religious expression like Pat Robertson. Or milder variants like Billy Graham–I did not know Faith had called him also. So by conservative I mean the Marxist “opium of the people,” I mean consolation. The mental death system can integrate the latter of course. It seeks its assistance––it does not call anything essential into question. Often this conservative spirituality is Constantinian–it supports tacitly or explicitly the State, its killing machine, its priesthood which blesses the military and the status quo. Jesus of course was revolutionary which was why the Roman State and Jewish religious establishment was threatened by him. He was creatively maladjusted and he promised to realize the messianic aspirations of those who cherished their divine dreams–their messianic,often mad and shamelessly grandiose visions.

(I don’t have time to preempt misinterpretations of my use of the term messianic, which I have repeatedly done elsewhere.)

I have been arguing in my writings that mad spirituality is subversive, although mad people or “post- psychotics” (to borrow Faith’s term) often (I discovered) seek to distance themselves later from their mad visions, just as older people often seeks to distance themselves from the dreams that smoldered during their days of youthful revolt. I agree whole-heartedly with Maxima-–I just want to make a minor qualification which she might accept. Psychiatrists do not label subversive spirituality as “madness.” That term has not been coopted which is one reason why I promote it. They label it “mental illness.”

Faith and Maxima gave examples of subversive spirituality wich Faith called the voice in the wilderness––but of course unless these individual acts become collective mass action the Constantinian establishments will destroy the earth–I mean literally as eg Obama will soon give permission to build the Keystone pipeline. The alternative entails the collective affirmation and realization of the messianic Imaginary.

Here are a few stanzas of a modern mad pride classic–I leave it to the next person to name the author etc– which is rarely recognized as such. The punctuation disappeared when I copied it, and I did not have time to fix it, or to remove the hyphens:
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night, who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz, who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated, who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkan- sas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war, who were expelled from the academies for crazy & publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull, who cowered in unshaven rooms in underwear, burning their money in wastebaskets and listening to the Terror through the wall, who got busted in their pubic beards returning through Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York, who ate fire in paint hotels or drank turpentine in Paradise Alley, death, or purgatoried their torsos night after night with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls, incomparable blind streets of shuddering cloud and lightning in the mind leaping toward poles of Canada & Paterson, illuminating all the mo- tionless world of Time between, Peyote solidities of halls, backyard green tree cemetery dawns, wine drunk- enness over the rooftops, storefront boroughs of teahead joyride neon blinking traffic light, sun and moon and tree vibrations in the roaring winter dusks of Brooklyn, ashcan rantings and kind king light of mind, who chained themselves to subways for the endless ride from Battery to holy Bronx on benzedrine until the noise of wheels and children brought them down shuddering mouth-wracked and battered bleak of brain all drained of brilliance in the drear light of Zoo, – See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15308#sthash.V3Rb1jMo.dpuf
That is subversive spirituality–the kind one can find among the mad. Most of you will know the author. And Part 3
What sphinx of cement and aluminum bashed open their skulls and ate up their brains and imagination? Moloch! Solitude! Filth! Ugliness! Ashcans and unobtainable dollars! Chil- dren screaming under the stairways! Boys sobbing in armies! Old men weeping in the parks! Moloch! Moloch! Nightmare of Moloch! Moloch the loveless! Mental Mo- loch! Moloch the heavy judger of men! Moloch the incomprehensible prison! Moloch the crossbone soulless jail- house and Congress of sorrows! Moloch whose buildings are judg- ment! Moloch the vast stone of war! Moloch the stunned govern- ments! Moloch whose mind is pure machinery! Moloch whose blood is running money! Moloch whose fingers are ten armies! Moloch whose breast is a cannibal dynamo! Moloch whose ear is a smoking tomb! – See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15308#sthash.V3Rb1jMo.dpuf
Seth
Seth Farber, Ph.D.
http://www.sethHfarber.com

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Faith

I am pleased that you left room for atheists in your discussion of spirituality when you said:

“…spirituality…has been expanded to refer in a more subjective way and general sense to quality of life as defined by interconnectedness, sense of purpose, and meaningful self-worth…”

I am sure there are many people who read MIA who believe that religion can be harmful to people by promoting superstition, the shame of “orginal sin” , historically defending an oppressive status quo, upholding patriachy, homophobia, and oppressive concepts of madness (Demonic possession)etc.

I am among those that believe that religion falls infinitely short of being able to define and set a true moral compass for humaity, and falls infinitely short of appreciating and exploring the true wonders and mysteries of the universe.

Faith I found great interest in reading about your spiritual journey.

Richard

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Oh, this. “How might their stories have been different if they’d had someone to talk with, someone to listen to them, to support them in figuring out what their thoughts and feelings meant to them in relation to what was in their hearts?”

My 14-year-old son has been having hallucinations since he was 11. The doctors say schiz, but that was difficult to believe when he was quoting things out of the book of Revelation at a time when we did not attend church.

So I’ve looked for guidance. I’ve looked to counselors, pastors and friends. There really isn’t much out there. People don’t believe there is a reality to the hallucinations, or, if they do believe, they are frightened or feel at a loss as to what to do. We’ve been very fortunate that one of my friends has an open mind so that he has someone besides myself to talk to about his experiences without having a label tacked on him.

Thank you for your thoughts on this issue.

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Seth, madness is a great term. I agree. Just the whole notion of a group of professionals that put themselves in place to make judgements about who is mentally ill is the pinocle of the mind trips we do to each other every day. Every day people don’t listen to each other, people judge the content of another’s speech. People exclude. People stereotype. People exclude. And if you happen to have been diagnosed by the experts, these Nazi forces that would kill the weak for the survival of the fittest are unleashed to the point that the victimized to the point of going off the edge. I get angry now, instead of psychotic and walk away. It seems like everyone is a psychiatrist now a days except for those who really work at, those who are truly humane, those who are not afraid, those who celebrate diversity. I think I’ll go to Breggin’s empathy Conference. I’d like to be around people that are intensely struggling with how to live em pathetically. I’m turning into a monster sometimes in my present milieu. The Nazi is in me! I don’t like this kind of madness.

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Thanks Faith, great post! As you know, Michael Cornwall and I are doing a free, 6 hour seminar with CEUs on the intersection of spirituality and “psychosis” in Santa Cruz CA on 4/9/13. A few details are at http://eepurl.com/xujpv Too bad you live too far away, it would be great to have you there!

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There are lots of great thoughts here. As I read them, I think it is important to keep in mind that we use various words or names when the map is not the territory and words are often symbols for things that are difficult to put into words. As the Buddha pointed out, the finger pointing to the moon is not the moon while certain spiritual/religious beliefs are only a raft meant to bring us to the other shore and not the destination.

I found the article below very helpful and enlightening about critiques of different religions and their adherents:

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/03/30/on-being-
catholic/

As C.S. Lewis pointed out, if you are going to criticize a religion like Christianity, you have to know enough about it so that you really are criticizing the actual religion rather than your own erroneous ideas about it due to lack of adequate research, experience, knowledge, etc. He also explains how words like “gentleman” and “Christian” can become useless when changed from their original meaning to some vague compliment of being a polite or good person rather than their very narrow meaning.

Also, as the article points out, members of any so called religion or belief system are so diverse in their beliefs and actions, one cannot lump the entire group into a narrow label or description as seems to happen all too often especially when focusing on the supposed negatives of it. Sounds all too close to biopsychiatry lumping a diverse group of people together with insulting, life destroying stigmas. Also, individuals or mobs engage in witch hunts and Inquisitions in the guise of spirituality, science or other fine sounding names like “humanism” when they are very inhuman(e). The Catholic Church moved beyond these long ago since it is a living institution and constantly changing like its diverse members and former members.

There is a great book, ARISTOTLE’S CHILDREN, that shows how the Catholic Church rescued the world from the Dark Ages of the Middle Ages by finding the buried works of Aristotle through their association with Islam and Jews in the 12th century and studied and published them, which helped bring on the Enlightenment ultimately often used against the Church and reason.

http://www.amazon.com/Aristotles-Children-Christians-Rediscovered-Illuminated/dp/0156030098

I think our world has come to worship the false idol of what we call science that just like religion can be a vehicle for good or evil in the right or wrong hands. I think the evil and perversion perpetrated by so called science have far exceeded those of the church since each has been perverted to perpetrate horrific crimes against humanity. But, the power of science like the atomic bomb makes the Church’s crimes appear pretty paltry in comparison. But, so called technical or scientific language can be great when promoting doublespeak to justify the most horrible deeds in the guise of help, medicine, science so it hides in plain sight, making the Church more accountable than science. I am all for scientific progress as is the Catholic Church and the Dalai Lama, but not the evil perpetrated in the name of science. Obviously, reason, spirituality and ethics must be combined with science for any progress, sanity, justice or decency to prevail.

Plus, in my opinion, various religious/spiritual myths/metaphors/realities depending on one’s unique interpretation are far more interesting and useful than various so called science articles of theories about neurotransmittors in lengthy detail or going back and forth about the various doses of poisons that should be forced on people are certainly no better than ideas about whether exorcisms should be done to cast out devils. Perhaps the placebo effect of faith involved in the latter might heal the so called patient (scapegoat) while death of body and soul is certain from the life destroying stigma/poison drug approach.

Critics found that the problem of Milton’s PARADISE LOST is that the devil became the star or main character because he was the most interesting!

I recall an important lesson I learned in art appreciation class. We saw a painting of a chicken done by Picasso that was really bizarre like much of his work (in my opinion), but you could certainly tell the painting was of a chicken. Then, we were shown another picture of a chicken done by Picasso that was done perfectly with ever detail of a real chicken exactly drawn.

This was an important lesson for me in that in order for Picasso to reinterpret a chicken into his own artistic vision, he had to know how to draw the real thing perfectly, so that he could deviate from it to produce his artistic vision of it.

So, in my opinion, this analogy carries over into other things and is especially applicable when it comes to criticizing various religious/spiritual or other world views. Just using the Catholic Church as an example as with the article above, first, you have all the official doctrine, dogma, tradition and practice of the church. Then, as this article also points out, there are many people who call themselves Catholics who have very diverse beliefs since the author points out that Vatican II stressed one’s conscience as an important, valid guide from a subjective standpoint while it may be objectively wrong given the Church’s teachings. I sure can see the challenge here when one considers the huge problems and evils that can occur when guided only by moral relativism with consequences many people don’t understand or wouldn’t accept if they fully understood the concept. One has to be pretty advanced intellectually, morally and spiritually to be discerning enough to distinguish the wheat from the chaff regarding anything including religion, spirituality and science.

Anyway, I like Aldous Huxley’s approach of trying to find kernels of truth in all major religions/spiritual paths for that perennial philosophy or wisdom in his book of that title. It’s like Joseph Campbell’s work on myth and the hero’s journey throughout literature and spiritual paths.

I still find it offensive to have such advanced, enlightened spiritual/wisdom guides as Jesus or the Buddha labeled as “mad” or other mental death pejorative terms. I know many would disagree with me, but given the increasing fascist police state with regard to the vile, bogus term, “mental illness,” otherwise known as crazy, mad, insane and other insult terms, I think that promoting any of these is very harmful to individuals and the Survivor movement trying to expose the horrible practice of labeling people with degrading stigmas or what amounts to childish adult name calling or degradation/humiliation rituals

I agree that Seth Farber has exposed some major problems in the Catholic Church and others as well as the “mental death system” he has done a great deal to expose too. But, authors like Elaine Pagels in her great books like BEYOND BELIEF and others on gnostic and other writings show that the original Jesus movements were so diverse that if the original Church had not gathered and preserved the ideas and history of the original movement, it probably would have been lost, which she thinks would have been tragic. The same is true for those who wisely preserved the “heretical” gnostic writings of the time when the mainstream Church sold out to Constantine as Seth exposes. Pagels acknowledges that having the Church available to her when her child died meant a great deal to her and though she couldn’t swallow all the dogma of her Church, the spiritual experience was very life enhancing. The truth is that we can always point the finger out to the other out there as the source of any evil, but the most important change needs to take place in ourselves on an individual basis since everyone contributes to our collective violence with thoughts, words and deeds. Eckhart Tolle helps to cut through the dogma to the original wisdom of Jesus and other advanced sages in his great book, THE POWER OF NOW and why all of us need to be on a path to enlightenment, wisdom over ignorance, consciousness over unconsciousness, etc. The Dalai Lama keeps calling for ethics standards of compassion beyond religion with increasing emphasis as individual religions keep confusing their role as the territory rather than one map or route to guide certain people to the same spiritual life force and wisdom. It appears from the response to such books as THE POWER OF NOW and A NEW EARTH, there is a huge spiritual thirst out there that might even be called a “spiritual emergency.” But, I think it is all too normal given the perennial myth making of humans to try to understand and convey spiritual truths that are beyond words in that a myth is something true on the inside, but not necessarily factually true on the outside. Thus, to stigmatize such a thirst for spiritual wisdom and enlightenment as crazy as just as bad as labeling any human tendency crazy.

Seth, Why do you keep picking on Dr. Peter Breggin? I think you both contributed a great deal to the Survivor movement in your own own unique ways, so I found both of you valuable to my own education through ScrewU, my most important, useful “degree!” If one has to be a perfect person to be a hero of the Psychiatric Survivor Movement, few would qualifty. I think Dr. Breggin has a very useful guideline for those claiming to be part of this movement when he says first and foremost, “NO LOBOTOMY”… whether chemical, electrical, surgical or other mind control/destroying dirty tricks he has constantly exposed throughout his distinguished career. And don’t knock the value of someone “being nice to you.” Given what T.S. Eliot calls “The Waste Land” and “The Hollow Men” not to mention “Richard Cory,” it’s a rare pleasant surprise these days in our isolating, alienating culture to find people “being nice” to each other. As with anything, what matters is if it is sincere or not since psychopaths are well known for being very charismatic and deceptively charming as they ferret out your weak points to exploit and destroy you.

These are just thoughts I have had while reading some of the other posts about this great article by Faith. I know it could benefit from more proofreading, but I’ll just be tempted to add something else needing to be proofread in a neverending vicious circle, so, “Take want you need/want and leave the rest.”

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Faith,

Thank you for your kind words regarding my writing; perhaps, they’re too kind; they’ve incited this loooong comment – an indulgence on my part, I hope you’ll excuse. And, note: this comment is inspired by the general discussion that’s raised by your blog; every commenter has offered some considerable food for thought; so, I am addressing others, too – especially, Seth, as he speaks of the messianic spirit.

Yesterday was Easter – the day of resurrection – widely considered the holiest day in the Christian calendar. Erich Fromm elaborated upon the concept of *resurrection* (in his book, The Revolution of Hope), writing poignantly, “Man and society are resurrected ever moment in the act of hope and of faith in the here and now; every act of love, of awareness, of compassion is resurrection; every act of sloth, of greed, of selfishness is death. Every moment of existence confronts us with the alternatives of resurrection or death; every moment we give an answer. This answer lies not in what we say or think, but in what we are, how we act, where we are moving.”

Donna was instructive when posting, earlier today (April 1, 2013 at 2:04 pm): “As C.S. Lewis pointed out, if you are going to criticize a religion like Christianity, you have to know enough about it so that you really are criticizing the actual religion rather than your own erroneous ideas about it due to lack of adequate research, experience, knowledge, etc.” I won’t critique Christianity; I’ll just point out, that many true believers – as well as many naysayers – may not think of resurrection that way.

I was raised without religion; however, what little I knew of the stories, of Jesus’s life and death (and this, above-mentioned, *non-literal* view of ‘resurrection,’ that’s described by Fromm), became quite helpful, to me, at that point, at which I was first made a captive of Psychiatry – at age 21.5.

By that point, I’d begun thinking of ‘God’ in Taoist terms. Indeed, a couple of days prior to the first time I was “hospitalized,” I’d been openly comparing ‘God’ to the ‘Tao’ – in conversation with one close family member, who was a self-described “atheist”.

For those who are unfamiliar with Taoism, it’s said that the ultimately *unfathomable* ‘Tao’ is the source of all phenomena, ‘everything comes from the Tao’; of course, *theistic* religions explain that, ‘everything comes from God.’ (Actually, even as I say that, I realize how important it is to acknowledge a persistent question arising in the Abrahamic religions, regarding questions of where evil comes from. Is it ‘God’ and/or humans who are ultimately responsible for man’s inhumanity to man?)

This relative, to whom I was speaking, had never previously heard me talk of ‘God’ in any affirmative way, and he seemed listening intently; yet, many years later, I’d learn that he had, in fact, been *confused* by what I was saying. (Later that evening, he’d relayed his sense of being baffled by the conversation, privately, to my mom; she’d remark on that conveyance, in her journal. Then, many years later, she passed away, and I was responsible for organizing her personal belongings, so…)

I now realize: My speaking in the affirmative, of ‘God,’ was confusing to those who knew me, back then; all such talk was quite unheard of, in my family; so, I guess my mom was *already* somewhat worried about me, when, the next day (seemingly out-of-the-blue) I’d break a stack of dishes, one by one, against a garage door, in my parents’ backyard. (That behavior of mine was not only unusual – it was shocking to my family… as, *never* previously had I rebelled, against my parents, in any way.)

Why was I rebelling?

I was aware of my being at an impasse – and was, thus, seemingly in *need* of a ‘rite of passage,’ which could – hopefully – move me into a new phase of life. I had begun to feel as though time was standing still; for more than a year, I’d been wishing I had a guru (a spiritual teacher) to guide me; but, my family was very ‘anti-guru’; and, I had no connections to anyone who had a guru; I needed – at the very least – a Way to move myself, into the future (seemingly). These were all *conscious* thoughts of mine, at that time.

Was I just a lost spiritual seeker?

Were I, now, to supply *all* the details, of the internal experiences, which I was experiencing, back then, to most any clinician, s/he would almost certainly argue that, at age 20, I was coming to experience a kind of ‘psychosis’ – especially, because, just hours after I’d had that above mentioned conversation, on ‘God’ and the ‘Tao’, I’d experienced a most powerful, instant shot of *surging* energy, running from the base of my spine, upward – and ‘out’ through my extremities. It nearly threw me off my feet.

Perhaps, that could seem to indicate a kind of seizure?

In retrospect, I know it to have been a *Kundalini* experience. (I knew nothing about Kundalini, per se, at the time; but, a couple of years later, I found a book in a used book store, which described what I’d experienced, as Kundalini.) The energy passed through me like a small bolt of lightning – leaving me, afterward, with an amazing sense of peace and well-being – which lasted throughout that evening; but, my ‘little’ (internal) world of ‘all’s-well-and-good’ was soon being impinged upon by my returning sense, that all was *not* well and good, in the world at large. To a large extent, that explains my actions of the *next* night (i.e., smashing those plates), I was objecting to the tens of thousands of nuclear warheads threatening the survival of our planet; but, only *I* knew that, at the time.

I had switched from an inner focus, on peace within, to a sense of restlessness – to a ‘projection,’ which apparently included a dramatic ‘need’ and demand for my family’s attentions. (Looking back, on those moments, just days later, I could tell it was a projection, of inner ‘family-system’ turmoil I was experiencing.)

Unfortunately, I’d be perceived by my mom, as going ‘insane’; she’d make plans to get me to an E.R. psychiatrist; medical-coercive psychiatry soon had its way with me, and everyone I knew would come to view me as, ‘mentally ill’.

I’ve written elsewhere about this: before that “hospitalization,” immediately following my destruction of those plates, one relative asked me, “Do you feel like someone not yourself?” I wished to be frank, in Though, I felt it was a *ludicrous* question, I wished to be frank, in answering; for, in recent days and weeks, I’d gradually become ever more (exceedingly) open/truthful with everyone whom I knew. This is so important – key really. I was not rebelling against everyone. I was resonating with many. And, I was resonating with the lyrics of certain songs I’d been listening to; therefore, to that relative’s question, I answered, “I feel like Bob Dylan.” I’d been ‘meditating’ upon ‘old’ Dylan classics before going to bed – for a number of weeks, and the song “Masters of War” was directly *ballsy* in a way that I was, then, suddenly – after smashing those dishes – feeling ballsy.

Ten years on, I’d learn that relative had quite *misinterpreted* my words, at the time; we came to be momentarily re-engaged in conversation; and, looking back, on the past, he said to me, emphatically, “You thought you were Bob Dylan!” (That assertion was his response to my saying, “I never needed any medications.”)

Because everyone had agreed, in advance, that I was *supposedly* ‘insane’ and/or ‘mentally ill’ and supposedly in need of compulsory psychiatric ‘observation and treatment,’ I’d wind up tied down and shot up with drugs, two times, in less than 24 hours’ time.

To me, it seemed I was being chemically *crucified* – for being *sane*; and, what was really ‘insane’ was the fact of so many people simply going on with life ‘as usual’ – day after day – amidst ever-increasing signs, that instant, global, nuclear annihilation (via ‘nuclear winter’) could possibly be imminent. (Back then, mid-1980’s, more than a few notable scientists, physicians and anti-nuke activists were similarly concerned.) I felt none in my family were doing enough, to either recognize or to protest that Cold War threat; but, there was *much* more to my sudden rebellion, than just that; of course, there was more; there were issues within my family, which required addressing; I was becoming aware of this, at that time; and, it is way too much – and too personal – to recount, in a comment. But, I should emphasize this: As soon as I regained consciousness, in the “hospital” (i.e., after those initial forced druggings), I would literally *beg* for private consult with a therapist (any therapist); I would make that request, again and again; but, no therapist would be provided, until months later. My mother later explained to me, what had apparently been explained to her: “They can’t do therapy with a person who’s still insane.”

Probably, my mom was not recalling the precise wording they’d used, to inform her, of why they would not allow for any therapy; after all, I think it’s unlikely that anyone in a position of authority used the word, “insane” to describe me; probably, they had used the word, “psychotic”; but, in any case, my mom explained to me, at last: “They said that first they had to get you stabilized; they called it, ‘sealing the patient.’”

“Sealing the patient,” was, in essence, a matter of flooding my system with heavy ‘meds’ – for months, in order to convince me that I was, “seriously mentally ill”; the process was torturous.

After nearly a week of “hospitalization,” I asked one family member, by phone, to, please, bring me a Bible – and, thus, unwittingly dug myself an even deeper grave. (That I had called for a Bible had apparently been taken as a signal, to my family, that I was not well enough to be released; thus, no sooner would I be released, than they’d get me into a second “hospital,” where I’d be brain-washed, with more drugs, into believing I was, “seriously mentally ill.”)

Note: All I’d had wanted from the Bible was just a way to remind myself, of the exact wording, of one most famous line, from Matthew, “Cast not your pearls before swine…” as I was, then, noticing how various people were repeatedly taking my words and twisting their meanings, using them against me.

That first time I was “hospitalized” was the result of my being *tricked* by the E.R. psychiatrist’s assistant, into seemingly ‘confessing’ I had, “wishes to die and be reborn in new life.” (I have mentioned this elsewhere, recently.)

I had said ‘yes’ to his ‘psych-assessment’ question, of whether I had such a wish – but only *after* insisting that I had no intention to harm myself.

He took my “yes” answer and left the room, to share it with the psychiatrist – who was ultimately aiming to please my family, by finding a ‘legitimate’ way to “hospitalize” me, against my will.

I should not have answered “yes”; but, I’d thought I could safely say “yes” to that question (“Do you wish to die and be reborn in a new life?”) – as doing so was merely affirming a rather conventional belief, in ‘reincarnation’ (most people who believe in it hope when they die, they’ll be reborn in a better life); and, I was simultaneously thinking in *non-literal* terms, about beginning life anew (as in Erich Fromm’s above-mentioned version of ‘resurrection’). It seemed to me, at least remotely possible, that the Emergency Room inquisition, which I was experiencing, *might* lead me, somehow, to a *positively* renewed way of living. I was striving to stay positive, with thoughts such as that, as the experience, of being viewed ‘crazy,’ was quite exhausting; and, I was slowly losing patience.

I was *not* wanting to die, literally speaking; i.e., surely, I had no wish to die, any time soon.

My inquisitors could easily have concluded that I was no danger, had they wished to do so; yet, that was not their wish. Simply, *everyone* involved in my case had one goal in mind: find a way to ‘justify’ medicalizing me.

I was not threatening anyone; so, medicalizing me against my will would require “hospitalizing” me, on the grounds of my *supposedly* being a ‘danger’ to myself. (Claiming someone “wishes to die and be reborn in a new life” is one way to claim s/he is such ‘danger’.) From that point, forward, in two years’ time, psychiatrists would repeatedly misrepresent my words, to get me re-medicalized, on those same grounds, of *supposedly* being a ‘danger’ to myself.

Was I *ill* in any way?

That I am offering this long comment is already an indulgence; now, here’s a further indulgence (just a small one) that can hopefully be excused: I am going to repeat just one line, from my comment, above; here it is: I had never had anything but a personal/interpersonal breakdown/breakthrough, which was quickly medicalized and made into an iatrogenic illness (by way of forced drugging).

Otherwise, looking back, I sincerely believe I was *not* sick in any way; though, I could have used help, in realizing that the Kundalini experience suggested I was advancing, spiritually – but required the guidance of a seasoned guru, a yoga teacher (one specializing in Kundalini).

To say I was advancing spiritually is not to suggest I had become some kind of ‘pillar of light’; but, I had become highly sensitive to my surrounding – and to my inner world; so, the last thing I needed was medical-coercive psychiatry.

I knew that; and, it was finally, all too clear, to me, that I had never needed any so-called “medications”; in truth, the ‘meds’ were nothing but suppressive and oppressive; therefore, exactly two years after first being forcibly medicalized, I’d come to eschewing the ‘meds’ – flushing them down the toilet; foolishly, I confessed this, to that same above-mentioned relative (the one who’d come to believe that I thought I was Bob Dylan)! So very naively, I trusted him and wanted him to understand, that: I could not take ‘meds’ any longer; I felt they were draining me of life. I told him that, and I elaborated, that: had I gone on taking them, I might have taken all of them, at once. Such was why I flushed them down the toilet, I explained.

By pointing out, that I’d flushed all the ‘meds’ down the toiled, I thought I was making myself very *clear* – that I did *not* want to die and that I did *not* intend to kill myself; nonetheless, he reported this confession to my psychiatrist; and, thus, came another unwanted “hospitalization” …i.e., more weeks and months of so-called “in-patient” treatments – more forced drugging – much of it amounting to torture, no exaggeration… based on the notion that *supposedly* I’d wanted to take all the ‘meds’ to kill myself. (It was a *totally* false accusation, based on this fact, that I’d flushed all the ‘meds’ down the toilet; but, no matter…)

(So many memories I often care to forget! – but which I can’t forget, despite being now well over two decades free of psychiatry and it’s noxious chemicals!)

Must. Stop. Thinking. Of. Those. Experiences.

(Yes, Maxima, Perhaps, I should turn to EFT – at least, at times like these…)

Now, before I stop thinking of those times, I feel I must say this: That relative of mine truly meant well. He was doing what he sincerely believed was in my best interest; simply, he was/is a very conventionally minded person – listening to the ‘best’ advice, on my *supposed* condition, which mainstream psychiatry could offer.

Oh, and, I should add this: I was going through changes, physically, which reflected a need to drastically alter my diet. Sugar, caffeine, processed (wheat) flour, red meat, dairy (from cows) – all had to go; my body could no longer tolerate them. I was just barely *beginning* to realized all this, at the time of that first E.R. experience. It would take me two more years, to realize the full extent of my need to overhaul my entire way of eating; I would figure all that out – but no thanks to the psychiatrists who were just plain bent on drugging me; they had no interest in promoting anything but psychiatric labels and psychiatric drugs.

So, yes, there were physical conditions – specifically, food-sensitivities – which required addressing; in fact, I believe that, I’d sensed my need to change my eating habits; and, by reducing food intake, generally, I had increased my energy level; this was leading me to sleep less; and, loss of sleep, over a period of weeks, was a factor, which led to a somewhat ‘altered’ state of consciousness; but, that was *not* an illness; and, I should *never* have consented to meeting with that first E.R. psychiatrist (nor, then, should I have answered any questions from his assistant); it was my mistake, having done so; I made that same mistake (with different psychiatrists), a couple of times, thereafter – until, at last, nearly 24 years ago, I became entirely firm, in my flat out, full *rejection* of ‘meds’ and Psychiatry.

Spirituality = Knowing How and When to Let Go (…and, of course, it’s more than just that…)

I am letting go now… won’t say more about my past – won’t sully more virtual space, by spreading my feelings of disgust toward Psychiatry, my enduring sense of indignance, which arises as I recall the many ways in which psychiatrists disrespected my life, by forcing their IGNORANT views upon me and forcing their NOXIOUS chemicals into my veins.

But… I say this about those psychiatrists: I see them as our society’s ‘high priests and priestesses’ – the Pharisees of our day (“blind guides”).

Again, I emphasize: I am drawn to Buddhism and Taoism; but, I have some sense, of the character of Jesus – in particular, as he’s described, in the book of Matthew.

Jesus was reportedly a master of forgiveness and knew how to ‘turn the other cheek’; but, he was also one who unflinchingly challenged the “blind guides” of his day; in fact, by all accounts, he turned over tables and shouted, “Woe to you, Scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!” See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLgcEcmtgxI (Actually, in that Youtube excerpt, of Franco Zeffirelli’s production of Jesus Of Nazareth, Jesus doesn’t turn over any tables, but he does according to the Bible. “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves.” ~Mathew 21:12)

Seth explained yesterday (March 31, 2013 at 6:50 am): “Jesus of course was revolutionary which was why the Roman State and Jewish religious establishment was threatened by him. He was creatively maladjusted and he promised to realize the messianic aspirations of those who cherished their divine dreams–their messianic, often mad and shamelessly grandiose visions.”

No doubt, Jesus was extraordinarily revolutionary, living up to the messianic prophecies, of the Abrahamic traditions; thus, arguably, his visions were not grandiose.

The historical Buddha was a great revolutionary, too. Remembered alternatively, by the names Siddhartha, Guatama and Shakyamuni, the he lived approximately 500 years earlier, in India. He was, at times, persecuted for his views – but never crucified. He lived a long life. (Perhaps, as he never directly disrupted life in the marketplace – and forever insisted he was a mere mortal, the authorities showed him some mercy?) A couple hundred years after his passing, he was honored by followers who compiled the Threefold Lotus Sutra (said to represent his final teachings). It predicts a future, benighted time, when countless *bodhisattvas* (men and women of varied dispositions, dedicated to saving all beings) shall answer their individual callings, by “emerging from the earth,” to bring forth a renewal of humanity.

Each bodhisattva is *uniquely* gifted, so there are infinite ways of being a ‘savior’ in Buddhism.

Respectfully,

~Jonah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8pdc2Om84gw

🙂 “I Love You and Buddha Too” – Song by Mason Jennings

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Thanks for your generous comment. I mean generous not in the sense of being lengthy or in the sense of being kind…but in the sense that they offered some of your truths.

I have wanted to respond to earlier (to other generous comments) for most of the day – but, have made an effort to stay engaged in the 3D/non-digital world. It’s sunny here and warm and I’ve been helping children with school projects, throwing the ball for the ageing dog.

I have been thinking though, about what it is that does not sit well with me about notion of messianic movements, which I really know very little about…and I think it is this:

When I was in the midst of my reckoning (my “psychosis,” my transformation, my shift of consciousness, etc. etc.) it struck me – all of the sudden – that we all have the capacity to feel the world deeply in ways that have been come to be called God. It made so much sense to me to think that, while the Jesus story was unfolding, that all over the world there were others who embodied God (which I consider to be forces of the sort that Sri Aurobindo described, because that appeals to my somewhat mechanistic how-does-it-work way of thinking.)

It made such sense to me that it was all the same thing, working through people in different ways, being told differently. It struck me that such a connective consciousness was a possibly a vital component of our species, which is – after all – a part of the world and which is connected to everything that lives. I have talked with quite a few post-“psychotics” who report coming to very similar conclusions, as if some forms of “psychosis” are just processes by which we come to a gestalt awareness, a new and benevolent metanarrative (to borrow a term Seth had used).

I think that the sort of spiritual hierarchy that is implied by words like messianic distorts the fact that all humans may well have the capacity to connect with the universe in immanent ways…and that with such connection, people inevitably experience an awareness of self and world that has the potential to redefine what is of value to them in this life.

I have – since I was a child – been aware of the harm done by corporations and systems of power and exploitation. I found old “No Nukes!” leaflets in my parents old piles of books and worried about the pictures at night. I grew up on the coast, 3 miles from a nuclear submarine base and I read Edward Abbey and Ginsberg at age 13.

A belief that I carried around for a long time (since I was a teenager, which is when the belief occurred to me) was that if you see a way that you could help and you do nothing, that is…well, not so good. I had never been a church-goer, except for when I was forced to go due to a school placement or something, but that idea of seeing a way to help and turning from it…that, in my mind, was like “sin.” So, I have most always kept up a volunteer position or two, and have tried to work in positions that support self-determined liberation, the potential for new perspective and inspiration…mostly service and education.

Suffice it to say, I have not had the luxury of not worrying about the world since I was a very young child.

As I was sitting on my porch and feeling the most eternal sense bloom in my bones, my thoughts booming with a strange new conviction and seeing the work of God in the form of forces everywhere, in trees, in songs, in clouds, in strangers…what really did it for me was the thought that I was nothing special, that anyone could – in their own way – experience what I was experiencing and that many people had.

The amount of outrage I felt when I thought of everything that had been done by humans, everything that had been created for the purpose of destruction and distortion was like nothing I’d ever experienced…the outrage that I felt when I felt God was the outrage of the oceans and the outrage of the animals and all the people who had hurt by lies, denied their rights and their humanity…then I realized that people only get angry about things they care about…and the outrage shifted into love for the world, and grief.

I did slip into a reality that was distinctly at odds with what was real. I became convinced that somehow, in the grief of late-Spring and the isolation of Summer, I had accidentally stumbled into communication with God (by any name) or that, maybe, God (as the same forces that run with the tides of the river I grew up on) had known me when I was very young, had been with me all along as thin thread tied round my finger, some current in my marrow…but, that I had lost sight, or I had been adrift…maybe it wasn’t God? Maybe it was ghosts? Maybe it had something to do with my dna? I just knew that, whatever it was, it seemed to be very real.

It occurred to me, as I every little bit and piece of information and memory I had collided and coalesced into a sudden simple understanding, reinforced in the lyrics of songs and off-hand comments and whatever images I drew most freely, that maybe I had been meant for something…and that God had found me again and that it was up to me, a recently divorced, heavily tattooed and deeply confused mother of two with a lousy mental health history who made bad decisions and couldn’t hold a full-time job for more than a year and who had hardly ever finished anything…ha!…that I somehow was intended to “prove God” for the purpose of making the world stop just long enough for people to realize what we will lose if we continue. It made me laugh out loud, the thought of it.

(…and you likely read in these words, in the cathexis of syntax, that those months and months of believing this are still very close to me. It really wasn’t that long ago. I have, for a long time, been able to hold it at arm’s length…study it objectively, a participant observer in the follied phenomenology of my own story.)

Part of what I realized, by thinking through things logically -(I am actually a very logical person)- was that we are still evolving…and that it is entirely possible that our birthright – our ability to be deeply connected to the world was at stake of being significantly compromised in such a way that we may lose what is most human in us…and I thought about how we, as a species, destroy one another and how we destroy this planet…and I felt it all at once.

Is it any wonder people lose their minds?

So, that time is still very close to me…because still nobody has proved me wrong re: my thinking about forces and patterns and nature and consciousness and language…and it still makes sense to me in a way that is very strong.

I realize that when I used to hear the word “messianic” I tended to think of individuals, but I am beginning to understand that it is more as a particular quality in of collective consciousness and species identity and orientation, just an element of humanity.

…maybe, instead of us all being at the brink of an extinction of spirit, we are at the edge of a great leap in understanding…all in our own ways…of what it is to be human.

So, Seth, when I think I about what President Obama is doing, I picture him awake at night, thinking about where he grew up and what the world was like when he was young and talking to people on the street. I picture him realizing with no small horror what he is allowing to happen. I picture him changing his mind, having a talk with someone.

Of course, the human mind can be tricky in its attachment to assumed realities, and we can be molded and influenced all sorts of ways. Look at stories like Jonah’s and my own, the people who loved us were easily swayed to see us as sick, we even saw ourselves as sick.

It really is no wonder that such terrible decisions are made, we are so easily manipulated…by fear and the illusion of necessity.

I’m just sort of rambling on now. I do that at times. Most people who know me and love me understand that it is part of how I learn and how I seek resolution, by sorting my thoughts out through words, through narrative. It is also, however, a spiritual practice – this rambling on – as it affords me the opportunity to re-orient myself to what I know of the world, which may or may not be accurate…but, is what I believe at this particular moment in time.

Beliefs change. They evolve just like we do, and we – in some ways – probably evolve with them. How do harmful beliefs affect our consciousness? What barriers are built by fear?

A phrase that got me through the darkest days of my recovery (in the true sense of having to recover from something and to recover something) from my last unfortunate encounter with forced psychiatry was this: “You have to make a conscious choice between hope and fear.”

That kept me moving forward. However, the thought that maybe there was the off-chance that I did have some purpose beyond my evident responsibilities also motivated me to heal and to learn and to grow. I don’t know what my purpose is, so I just do my best and try to be brave.

I think that a lot of people tend to think about revolutions in fairly narrow ways. That there are some leaders and some crowds and its the peasants against the lords, the exploited against the exploiter. To think that one cannot be revolutionary in much smaller and more quiet ways and that even the seemingly most withdrawn lives have the potential to have broad and lasting impact…sometimes all it takes is a conversation…is to be rather narrow-band in one’s thinking about how the world might change. Sometimes, just staying hopeful is a revolutionary act.

I have been in the streets with 10s of 1000s of people, and you know what? It didn’t stop the war. It didn’t even slow it down. I have signed plenty of petitions and have held plenty of signs. I don’t know how much good that did.

There are many ways to approach engagement in efforts to promote positive and sustainable change in the world. I try to remember that, regardless of what I do, the world is changing and people are changing.

I am always a little unpopular in certain circles when I say that I think that most psychiatrists have the capacity to be good and conscientious people. People think that I am naïve. I’m okay with that. To me, it makes very little sense to think that any entire group of people is evil or damaged to the core. It seems to me that, in ways, that sort of view is the very same that has been applied to us: irrevocably flawed and hopeless. That’s a lousy way to see people.

I really have to believe that everyone has the potential to suddenly see, and to feel deeply the error of their ways and what their actions do to their hearts. When a policeman killed a protestor’s dog in NYC a couple of years ago and people were calling for his head on platter…all I could think about was how he had probably really liked dogs when he was a kid, because most kids do…just like most kids want to save the world at some point or another…or want to stand up for someone…or to be, quite simply, “the good guy.”

Something very bad happens to people as they grow up…but, I really don’t think that any badness in the world is written in stone. It can be transformed.

Well, this got way too long, and I didn’t even have a chance to specifically thank Donna for pointing out the error we are prone to make in broadbrushing and making rash claims about entire groups of people, many of which probably – like us – really just want the world to be okay and to do the right thing…it’s just that sometimes people get confused as to what exactly that means, usually out of fear.

There is more to respond to…but, it’s late and I have to wake up and make oatmeal, go to work with my feet on the ground.

Thanks for writing and reading and being out there, all learning and journeying.

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Wow. Sorry those first few sentences are a little disorienting. I was trying to figure out if I should address the response to Jonah, Maxima, Seth, Donna…all?…and so my words got jumbled. It’s late and I am, apparently, tired.

I hope you all have a good night and week.

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True wellness will include spirituality.

“Recovery” is a word I am tired of. Recover what? Recover the state of mind you were in that led to illness?

Recovery sounds like going backward.

Re-cover.

Is there a better word we can use that represents positive change towards something new?

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Seth, et al, I address you because of your criticism of psychoanalysis. Breggin really believes psychotherapy is the answer? I don’t agree with him at all. I think this class of mind experts is part of the problem. We should become people who don’t need experts. Everyone should become his brother’s keeper. Everyone should prize the skill of listening. Everyone should struggle to attain peace, and to love. That’s what the world needs, not a growing class of paid psychotherapists. The trauma happens in an instant. The rebuff, rejection of something said which is so loud it damages the person. We should wait a week until we can see our therapist?

I don’t like that Breggin diagnoses. Calls people schizophrenic, bipolar. He called leftists mentals? The us/them is what has to stop. The putting people outside what is considered good or normal. That has to stop. It pushes people further outside, out into the alone, out into the strange, the deviant, the maybe dangerous. And it;s been done to them first. It’s like a mother dog killing the rut of the litter. If we talk to the health, if we talk to the whole, that will get stronger. It’s in our minds what we do to each other creates ‘mental illness’. I think we do this because we are afraid of the monsters inside ourselves. Yes, Faith, we shouldn’t trash psychiatrists, but I think frankly monsterous people are drawn to finding the monster in others and controlling it with all force and toxic means. And then their training develops it the psychiatric student such intricate dissecting and tagging illnesses. I think just taking a class about how to use the DSM warps even social workers. I’m not going to do it. I’m changing my focus. I know you’ve see success with talking with your old psychiatrist, but I think that is very rare. The best way to fix psychiatry is give psychiatrists nothing to do. Come on, without bio psychiatry, what are they going to do? All become psychotherapists? Talkers are not drawn to the practice any longer. People persons are no longer drawn. Simplistic technocrats who want to make A great living without getting blood on surgical gowns are drawn to becoming psychiatrists. Focusing on reforming the practice is not going to be fruitful. They have to be fired by the public at large.

Doesn’t Breggin promote empathetic living? I was thinking of going. I don’t want to become a counselor any more, but I do want to get licensed as an energy practitioner and learn how to talk to people in extreme states.

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Yeah, ‘recovery’, let the medical model people have it. They are the ones that think it’s impossible to even get back to who you were. They’re the one’s who make it impossible to get back to the way you were.

Transforming
Evolving
transcending
uncovering
awakening
discovering
inspired
revealed
dawning
reconnecting
recreating
transported

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forging forward
advancing
unfolding
resurrecting
unpeeling
simmering
achieving equilibrium
finding a new plateau
singing a new song
At the summit
reassessing
getting my wind
after the storm
blooming
denouement
balancing
aftermath
reintergrating
reinventing myself

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Donna

I assure I thought a lot about Dr. Breggin when I was in the state hospital the last time, pretty much unmedicated. I am very great for his whole body of work, He opened the door with his statement about schizophrenics bring a lot like mystics, onlt traumatized and isolated. ANd of course I assure you would have been a candidate for a surgical lobotomy the time I tried to escape twice and they cranked up my neurolyptics 166% and kept me for three months. I only had one issue, he used the word schizophrenic and bipolar.

I’ve been hitting on the therapeutic culture, all mental health care workers. The paid mentor class just seems so contrived. The natural thing in a whole community/family would have therapeutic moments as needed, for free. It’s a dream. AN ideal. SO I aimed at him. I’d just like to know if I went, he’d sit down with me with a tape recorder and reminisce about his days as an undergrad befriended an inmate in the asylum and working through Congress alone to protect our brains. He’s not a young man. All of that will be lost unless he’s kept a journal. It’s a real thing I want to do and all I’ve met with is red tape.

I did call to philadelphia and made arrangements to stay with a nun there. There’s a priest up there I want to counsel with. He doesn’t speak English. He knows the old ways of our church and I want to know if he sees happening what I fear is happening in the churches. Everybody calls me a conspiracy nut. My husband would understand, but he’s passed on. This one man is about the only man I can reach easily that, if he sees what I do, And I’m pretty sure he does, His group has broken away from the pan orthodox church movement which is a melting pot of all the errors known in the churches. They’ve broken away–the Georgian Orthodox Church, and I have but I am all alone. So it will be worth the trip just to see him.
There’s a sister church in DC closer, but he’s a monk. I expect he will be wise.

So i’m out of sorts, being out of a church community. Haven’t been out of some church since 2980. This helped disconnect me–how’s that as a word for psychosis Faith? Last December.

Yee, nobody is ever ultimately a monster. I’m disconnected from church and I’ve seen people abused and poisened to the point of fading away and being close to death at the whim of psychiatrists who do show signs of true sadism. It has flared at me with a threat to put me back on a very high dose of Navane that took me 19 months to wean off of. And I’ve seen a pregnant patient thrown into seclusion by three men. I’ve seen a hindu psychiatrist up the dose of haldol 500% on a very quiet mannered Moslem man. I’ve seen a 28 year old man carried to the hospital twice because he was having ‘heart events’. I asked him how many drugs he took, he told me ten pills.

The new director has put video cameras up in all the bathroom stalls with signs on the inside of the doors in big red letters that the occupant will be video taped for 24/7. Wouldn’t smoke detectors be kinder? That’s what they want. But they also don’t want to have to view the tapes or answer an alarm. Less man hours.

No, Faith, I’ve seen a lot of monstrous stuff. In Nazi Germany the inmates of the concentration camps were easier to throw in the ovens because they were emaciated from starvation. They look less human. Psychiatric long term inmates are disfigured too. Some people enjoy being cruel. Maybe they’ll turn, but I do think it’s possible to get too far into the dark side.. Maybe not as many as I suspect though. But that’s just my suck spiritual state.

Good night,

Maxima

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Hi, I just wanted to take a minute and share this simple quote (below) with folks on the thread. I have thought a lot about my reluctance to face the darker side (montrous) side of humanity. This is not, I have realized, out of an ignorance (I know, for example, that some people do hideous things like killing children and holding slaves)- but more out of an effort to side-step the mind-spinning angst that I feel when I think about the existence of such things and what such monstrosity says about the species that I am a part of. I have a significant history of misanthropy – of really being deeply disgusted with human beings in general. I have found that such framings of humanity tend to not function well in my mind and heart, they make me feel alienated and despairing and it is easy for monstrousness of a few to globalize into a skewed perception populated by far more monsters than actually exist. I know that there are horrible and deeply wretched people out there…and that monstrousness exists (like most things) on a spectrum, with very few people being what might best be termed evil. I just don’t like to think about this quality of humanity as being a particularly common quality and would much prefer to imagine (and that is really what any worldview is, because we do not and cannot know what is in the hearts of people who are distant strangers to us, but we can make guesses and hold hunches…though the ethics of such, thinking that one knows something of another person are a little tricky and their are dangers in any assumption, because what we see may not be real and, yet, what we perceive becomes real in our minds.)

Anyway, for me, this little quote that opened today’s Beyond Meds post was perfect for this morning’s topic of contemplation:

“There is no way to embrace the totality of life without accepting the ugliness that also exists…it’s a sort of paradoxical conundrum…and…Acceptance doesn’t mean acquiescence…”

(The post was a great round up of responses to crisis fear and I am going to forward it to the person who fb’ed me and asked what to do about his roommate’s “mental health crisis.” By the way, there have been a couple of mentions of community support as an alternative to professional services like psychotherapy. The local collective here experienced a sort of renaissance about 6 months ago and is proving to be an anchor asset in people’s efforts to meet their needs for support, encouragement, and community. Sitting in a room with 10 other people who have – in their way – been there and talking about where “there” is in the landscape of their lives and all the places one might go from that place seems to be immensely helpful to people, healing what years of paid therapy with a stranger (even a kind one)simply cannot…the wounds inflicted in our sense of self and value, natural connection with other people. Plus, a few collective members are “trained peers” and a couple are even mental health professionals, so the skills and information that come with those practices (facilitation of safe spafe, specific mindfulness techiniques, WRAP facilitation, knowledge of resources and perspectives) are a part of it. Nobody participates as a professional, in a hierarchical way though and professional skills are nothing when compared with the act of just being human and honest. We all learn from eachother. It’s pretty awesome and I think every town should have mutual aid networks and community gatherings.

By the way, I admire your spirituality, Maxima…and you’ve seen a lot of awfulness over the past couple of months, so your perspective is bound to hold those images…I hope you find a re-connect with the church that is helpful to you.

http://beyondmeds.com/2013/04/03/acceptance-not-acquiescence/

hope you all enjoy the day.

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“…and would much prefer to imagine…”

(got lost in the parentheses)

I would much prefer to imagine that most people are essentially good.

I think it alienates people from the movement and from the personal relevance of the cause when we compare run-of-the-mill psychiatrists and “mental health practitioners” with, for example, Nazis. I think that is, in ways, as unjust as thinking that anyone with a schizophrenia diagnosis is dangerous.

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Faith, thanks, and I pray so too.

The doctors in the State hospital are at another level. it really is a business, an industry which means keeping the beds full. And there is sadism there and racism. The patients needs lawyers.

I’m trying to connect with the human rights specialists I met at the NAACP and the ACLU in Geneva. I’ve spoken to them, I have their contact numbers, but I haven’t told them about the circumstances of particular individuals. I’m going to do that today. After I get sn update on three patients. One is Abdul. He’s served his 180 days, up March 12. He’s accepting the situation. He says, :If Allah want me to die here I will.” He hasn’t spoken to the advocate yet. She’s been out.
That’s a big problem. These folks are so medicated that they just accept what’s happening.

I talked to Abdul at length everyday. He was ok, but the increase of meds started to take its toll before I left. He sounds not good now on the phone. I never knew a Moslem before. He was a conscientious objector during the Vietnam war. He has grandkids. He works hard when he gets out. His doctor in DC takes him off the meds. But this is the first time he’s been kept for longer than two weeks. You see, when he comes down to the country to check on his diseased mother’s empty house his neighbor, a niece calls the sheriff. She uses the house, the electricity, septic. The police take him down to the State hospital. He has the rep now. His niece sets herself up as his payee, dummied up documents that say she’s his guardian. This niece and the Hindu doctor talk. She shows up at his commitment hearing at treatment team meetings. She mimic’s what the doctor says, “He’s Psychotic.” He’s knocked her off being a payee four times now. He finally called the Social Security and stopped the payments completely.
He’s going to be 65 soon. She can’t do this to him after that, but I think she’s trying to set up some sort of commitment to a nursing home for him or some infirmary.

In the many times I have been coming to the State hospital, there have only been psychiatrists from the old Communist block or India. There are 5000 Indian psychiatrists in the US they have two Indian American Associations for them. They get special mailing from drug companies who sponsor these associations. They pass around articles about how to coerce patients and their families with out using force. No other ethnic group or foreign country has this kind of associations. I just think the cast system mentality is being very useful to the mental health industry at this very severe level. I’ve met some wonderful people from India in my lifetime, but they were Christians. My psychiatrist was from India, not Abdul’s. It was like being an untouchable, cursed to being reincarnated in that class for ever. I would sit in my chair before dawn to pray, read scripture,cry for my friends and fantasize about how exactly I would tell her off. I hated her.

The other is 28 year old black, started by a strict disciplinary father on Ritalin, now on ten drugs. He has the same doctor as Abdul. Abdul saw him when he was healthy ten years ago. Now he slumps in his chair.. They have to bring him a wheelchair. He will slump from a standing position sometimes (the nurses threaten him that if he doesn’t go to his bed he will be thrown in seclusion.) He was taken to the hospital two time in the six weeks I was there. I can hardly understand him, but he says once was a blood clot, once a heart attack.

The other is a black woman, 40sh. a PhD in experimental psychology. A woman with a good job in the school system. One night she thought she was being followed in her car. She stopped and ran in a dark building. She couldn’t get out. She was locked in. She called 911. The police, who are diagnosticians, The hospital is an important industry in a town of 34,000, took her for a psych eval. Thought she was paranoid. She was diagnosed bipolar. Every year she gets pulled in now. She’s now ‘schizophrenic’. This her fourth time she got in a tussle with a relative. The woman attacked her. Her has bite marks. One police officer even said it was self defense. Well, she’s in now for 180 days, Her Russian doctor claims she was violent and non-compliant–she must have been cheeking because her valproic acid levels are too low. Like she going to cheek something that she gets a blood test for,

They’ve put her on the Not Guilty For Reason of Insanity ward–long term really depressing.

She’s appealed her commitment but has the worst court appointed lawyer ever. She has funds to hire the good one,. but she’s not able to follow through with anything. She just sleeps.

I have read that the NAACP is dealing with an issue locally, I cannot find them anywhere.

So, wish me well. The ACLU is publishing about racial discrimination still being a big problem here. Most of these long term folks are black.

I may be spending my social revenue here, but I’ve waited too long in trying this.

Thanks for reading this. My kids think I’m getting too wound up again, one son. I’m OK, They just don’t understand why I need to do anything for those people.

I’m going to be talking to my therapist this afternoon. I really have no one else that is with me on this.

Maxima

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