Iâve shared more about the mission of Advocacy Unlimited this past summer than at any other time in my 7.5 years of employment with the organization.
I became motivated to share in response to the feeling that the whole world around me was shoutingâcaught up in trying to âfixâ everyone. I felt suffocated and overwhelmed as I witnessed choice and personal agency choked out by fear.
So, I started sharing about what I know, and believe.
The beginning was rough.
I soon realized that it was not helpful to tell a person that what they believed about âmental illnessâ was not true. The response was often defensive, while some expressed anger. I did not mean to tell anyone that they were personally wrong. However, the exchange often ended in hostility.
It would begin with me saying, âHello! Iâm Michaela and weâre bringing a new program to Connecticut for people who hear voices!â
The person would respond, âYou mean schizophrenia?â
I would say, âNo, that is a label.â
Person would helpfully interject with a correction: âSchizophrenia is a mental illness.â
I was stuck in that pattern for at least a month. I tried to kindly speak about language supporting systems of oppression. However, I knew I was agitating a basic belief because of the harsh reaction evoked by my challenge of the terms âschizophreniaâ and âmental illness.â It was painful to accept that I was not changing anyoneâs mind by suggesting the person was misinformed.
I had to shift my approach. I decided to examine my own beliefs. What had I learned about âmental illnessâ?
Iâve learned that the conventional or common association with âhearing voicesâ is âschizophrenia.â âSchizophreniaâ is a diagnostic term. It is a categorical label that defines a person as some âthingââa compilation of reported thoughts, feelings and behaviors. If enough of what is documented sounds like the criteria of the diagnosis, then a person is âschizophrenic.â
This gets me every time. What an ugly regard to hold for another human being. What kind of society are weâtelling people what they are. What an outrageous and abusive approach to walking with people who are sharing their reality. It is a privilege to be invited to hear the story of a person.
As I sat with the sensations of this knowing, I felt my body clench as I dropped deeper into what I knew.
In my experience with psychiatric services, I knew that I was possibly one more hospitalization, or doctor, away from being told I was no longer experiencing the âfeatures of a psychotic disorderâ but in fact was âschizophrenic.â That mattered to me. I didnât want to be categorized with that specific label.
I asked myself, what made that label different?
Well, I learned that the criteria used to diagnose a person with a âmental illnessâ are set by medically trained professionals with extensive years of institutional experience learning, observing, classifying, and treating âmental illness.â People working in the mental health profession are trained and given a credential to affirm they know the signs and symptoms of âschizophrenia.â
The field of psychiatry and mental health treatment act from a place of power when assigning psychiatric diagnoses to people. This power is based on the premise that they have the power to âfixâ a person who has an âillness.â
I get angry when I think about this.
First of all, no one can know âschizophrenia.â Knowing is experiencing. Personal experience is the only frame of reference for âknowingââit is learned through the first-person point of view and is a feeling process.
This canât apply to a term, such as âschizophrenia,â because the term itself was constructed through a second-person perspective.
It was constructed based on the observations of people who made what they believed qualified as âschizophreniaâ the diagnosis it is today. âSchizophreniaâ is a story constructed over time through messaging, words, media, videos, family, school, etc. This term grants the people who are employed to âfixâ the problem with the power to deem the thing a problem in the first place. This is a system of oppression.
By that point in the summer it was late July and I was leaving in two weeks to solo backpack 50 miles in the Adirondacks and summit nine of the High Peaks.
I was preparing to enter into the wilderness and I was determined to bridge the discussion of voice hearing beyond the psychiatric diagnosis. I needed to do this because I told myself this discussion matters, and I made the commitment to speak about the program we are launching to every person I met in the wilderness. I couldnât imagine every interaction ending in frustration.
I decided to spend the next two weeks simplifying the connection between voice hearing and âschizophreniaâ through an affirmative statement: âYesâthat is the common psychiatric diagnosis.â
I soon found that using this approach was an opening for discussion.
I began again: âHello! Iâm Michaela and weâre bringing a new program to Connecticut for people who hear voices!â
The person responded, âYou mean schizophrenia?â
I continued, âYesâthat is the common psychiatric diagnosis. The program we offer is a non-medically based approachââ
I was cut off with a corrective interjection: âPeople with schizophrenia need medication.â
I felt a tightness in my chest, and said, âNot all people who are labeled with schizophrenia need medication.â
To which the person interjected angrily, âThat is not responsible. Those people need professional help. They are dangerous.â
What I heard again were learned terms associated with the word âschizophrenia.â There is an associated belief that âschizophreniaâ requires âprofessional helpâ and a person who is âschizophrenicâ is âdangerous.â
My body aches even writing this. There is a knowing within the very cells of my body, which contract in response to this association. It hurts.
Each time I experienced this physiological reaction I noticed the thread of thoughts that followed. I slowly recognized that I wanted to fight every single person who used language based on their learned beliefs about âmental illness.â It wasnât their hostilityâit was my own. I wondered what was coming up within me that led to the full-body reaction to people expressing their opinion. They didnât know any betterâso why did I feel so angry?
Well, I felt alone.
It was a constant shame, blame, and ridicule of an experience that I myself can relate to. I felt completely alone in the face of a monster that was not the person standing in front of me. No, it was a monster of my own mind that believed that I am what they are imagining. That I am that âschizophrenic who is dangerous and needs to be medicated.â
I was horrified by my own rejection of an aspect of myself. I too was led to believe through psychiatric treatment that I had a âbrain disorderâ and the only way to âfixâ myself was to take medication. With medication, I was told that I could get back to normal.
Except, medication didnât work for me for more than a week, and beyond that I just felt lifeless. I was in a state of suspended animation. I knew that wasnât me, and so I fought with everything I had to regain a sense of self beyond a diagnosis. However, it also meant saying that those people over there are âschizophrenic.â That is not me.
This was a difficult place to arrive at because in some ways I recognized myself in the disgust, rejection, and fear expressed by the people I was meeting.
Once I put words to my internal experience, I leaned into the discomfort. All I could do was continue to examine my own belief systems because I certainly wasnât going to change anyoneâs mind by fighting with them.
So, I reframed my intent from being right to listening and learning. What I found were moments of opportunity to dive a bit deeper and connect more authentically with what people actually know. To connect with the shared experience.
A conversation began as I shared that yes, âschizophreniaâ is the common psychiatric diagnosis for the reported experience of voice hearing. Iâd share that what we are offering is a framework for a person to organize their relationship with the voices. Itâs a semi-structured interview and itâs helpful for providers to learn because it helps them better relate and be with a person who is sharing about voice hearing.
I often arrived at the point of a person asking, why would some people want to live with their voices?
What I know to be true is that it isnât my choice. I canât force someone to make their voices go away, and working to get rid of someoneâs voices purely based on the misguided belief that they shouldnât be there is harmful.
Iâd ask the person I was talking to if theyâd ever been forced to stop doing something that was really hard to stop. People would share that they had experiences with things like nail biting, smoking, eating red meat, drinking, and slouching. With all these examples, the person could relate to that voice that says, âYou shouldnât be doing that,â while they kept right on at it.
Iâd ask, how did it feel to know you were doing something that you couldnât stop, and having people around you trying to get you to stop?
The person would share all sorts of expressions along the lines of âterrible.â
Iâd ask, âWhat was your response?â
The person would share responses within the range of âargue, feel bad, yell, cry, feel ashamed, get angry with myself, stop talking to that personâŠâ
Iâd ask, âWhat could that person have done differently?â
I knew I had arrived somewhere when I heard a father and son in the wilderness, 20 miles deep making dinner by the river with headlamps, share that they wished the person had âlistened, loved me anyways, asked questions, didnât yell, didnât do anything at all, let me be me, still love me.â Their responses were reflected time and again in discussions with others.
I would share that people who hear voices often donât have anyone to be with them in the experience. Itâs not that people around them arenât tryingâitâs that they are scared and canât listen to simply understand. They have to âfixâ the person to make the voices go away. When a person speaks up they are often categorized as âseriously mentally ill.â Thatâs what âschizophreniaâ is considered by our society. Thatâs a rough label.
Iâd ask people, what comes to mind when you think about âschizophreniaâ?
The conversation would continue for however long we had. It was about relating to the experience of wanting to be seen, heard, and valued. It matters to people, across contexts, that their experiences are validated and their stories are held as worthy of being heard. It was about working through the fear of not knowing what to do.
Once we acknowledged our shared experience with what it feels like to be rejected, shamed, or ridiculed, we often landed with the recognition that âbeing withâ each other matters more than âfixing.â People donât need âfixing,â we need love.
And that new program weâre bringing to Connecticut? Itâs called the Maastricht Approach Project, and itâs based on the idea that hearing voices is a normal human experience that has a personal meaning in relation with a personâs life history. To learn more about it, or to register for a training, go to: https://www.cthvn.org/map.
Nice blog Michaela.
I doubt you have to join in to agree to something you do not ascribe to,
it’s a fine line between alienting others or alienting ourselves from
our principles.
I am sure if I was a shrink, for the first while I might believe in slapping labels on people but it shouldn’t take too long to see what harm labeling does.
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I appreciate your discussion.
It makes me feel angry, too.
I still need to sell my story and need the find the language.
Pain says: Because of criminal (not forensic) psychiatry I need what I can’t have = mental torture.
The job of undoing the harm done to me and all harmed from psychiatry is way too big, but thanks for your article and work.
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To me the word schizophrenia helps me cope with my all too real schizophrenia.
It is my choice.
I respect that you don’t want to call yourself this. So don’t. I encourage you not to.
The word schizophrenia is like other words society has taken issue with, like the word gay. If you do not feel yourself to be gay, or schizophenic, then forget those terms for you. I am against ALL forms of conversion therapy.
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— âlistened, loved me anyways, asked questions, didnât yell, didnât do anything at all, let me be me, still love me.â
— being with, loving, seeing, hearing and valuing me, rather than fixing me.
These are important quick takeaways for me. Thanks a lot!
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It’s like no voices in the church or like that
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