After I went to the Association for the Scientific Study of Consciousness conference this weekend, I sat down with all the consciousness researchers to discuss why I suffer.
Me: You say that you’re trying to find the neural correlates of consciousness. What exactly does that mean?
Them: Well, it means we think there are specific brain regions and networks that correspond to the process of consciousness.
Me: And how do you figure that kind of shit out?
Them: I mean, there are two leading theories. One theory thinks that consciousness is located in the back region of the brain and has a consciousness structure formed by neuronal connectivity that is active while youâre, say, looking at a picture. The other leading theory says that consciousness is broadcasted through information across the brain through an interconnected network, and it occurs at the front of the brain.
Me: Uh huh. My consciousness is pretty insufferable. Have you figured out if thereâs like, a network of suffering?
Them: No, we are still trying to just find a universal consciousness, like the difference between vegetative and wake states, not degrees of consciousness.
Me: Well, thatâs not really helpful. I donât appreciate that your scientific contributions donât apply specifically to me.
Them: Sorry! There is hope that we might be able to understand the different grades of consciousness, but thatâs a far ways off.
Me: Does that mean we really have to sit through another 25 years of chummy bets before we might potentially get to a cure? Though that might be great timing, Iâll be having my midlife crisis then.
Them (philosopher): Well with my hunch that likely wonât be the case at all!
Me: Iâm sure youâre very sorry about that right now.
Them (scientists): Donât lose hope! We are very close to building a theory.
Me: Those study results that were released at the 25 Years of Consciousness public debate didnât seem to really confirm that any of your theories were correct.
Them (scientists): Yes, but there is plenty of hope. All in good fun. Thatâs what science is all about, eh? We have to make a logical progression through each discovery.
Me: Thatâs what privileged people say. Always talking about âlogicâ and âmoneyâ and “time” and âNIH dollarsâ. Iâm not familiar with any of these concepts. Are those things helpful?
Them: Er⌠yes, well. Itâs what we use to conduct research.
Me: Eyes up here.
Them: Sorry, I just spotted a rat running underneath your feet.
Me: Itâs New York City, get over it. So anyway, are you gonna, like, find any neural correlates that can give me a will to live? That’d be very helpful.
Them: Not yet⌠but sorry to hear youâre going through that.
Me: Enough about me. But wager this: my professor says he used to work on finding the neural correlates of PTSD. He says PTSD symptoms have changed over the last century. In WWII, soldiers came home and they just started tremoring and shaking. They thought they had epilepsy, but their brains were fine. What do you make of that?
Them: Well, consciousness is a broad term that isnât exclusionary to mental illness, so we really canât say.
Me: Well, it might suggest that there might not be any neural correlates to this stuff at all, right? Given that symptoms with different networks change over time.
Them (scientists): That’s likely a false presumption. Of course they exist.
Me: Youâre only saying that because you want to win your bet.
Them (scientists): I mean, why wouldnât I?
Me: So you’re saying suffering isn’t really a target of consciousness research, just why we feel and perceive things at all?
Them: Bingo.
Me: Thanks so much, you guys should never do therapy.
