Experiencing emotional pain is a necessary part of life. Emotional pain often contains valuable lessons to help us on our journeys. I believe that love is the greatest healer and pain is the greatest teacher. The problem is, this country has institutionalized ways to escape emotional pain. Providing avenues of aversion is big business. I attended a workshop last year where the presenter, who identified as an eco-psychologist, environmental activist and a Buddhist, described three unhealthy (when done to excess) avenues people pursue to escape emotional pain. Here are the three he mentioned:
- Sensory pleasure – examples include: alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex and food. People wanting the same experience of pleasure over and over.
- Self-making – examples include: power, fame, titles, and certain physical appearances.
- Destruction – examples include: anger, violence, self-harm and suicide.
This teaching resonated with me. I had used most of the methods mentioned in unhealthy ways to escape pain. The workshop also made me realize just how much these means of escape are woven into the fabric of our society. Some, like self-making, are even celebrated. 80% of the painkillers, and 60% of the psychiatric drugs prescribed in the world are prescribed in America (we have less than 5% of the world’s population). There are so many television shows – too many people spending their lives watching others live. There is rampant materialism. There are thriving industries around adult entertainment, alcohol, and video gaming.
Gambling in America is a prime example of the notion that escape is being institutionalized. It garners extra attention from me because I wasted so many years running from my emotions in casinos and at racetracks. Gambling was illegal everywhere in this country less than 90 years ago. President George Washington said of gambling (then called gaming):
“Avoid gaming. This is a vice which is productive of every possible evil; equally injurious to the morals and health of its votaries. It is the child of avarice, the brother of iniquity, and father of mischief. It has been the ruin of many worthy families, the loss of many a man’s honor, and the cause of suicide. To all those who enter the lists, it is equally fascinating. The successful gamester pushes his good fortune, till it is overtaken by a reverse. The losing gamester, in hopes of retrieving past misfortunes, goes on from bad to worse, till grown desperate he pushes at everything and loses his all. In a word, few gain by this abominable practice, (the profit if any being diffused) while thousands are injured.”
Today, gambling is legal in 48 states. Casinos are popping up all over, lottery is at most corner stores, keno is in family restaurants and participation in fantasy football is popular with children. State politicians view gambling as a way to balance budgets. There is little concern for the social costs – which are mounting rapidly.
Most of the activities above are effective at numbing troubling emotions. I found out the hard way that they are also good at numbing what are sometimes called divine emotions: joy, empathy, sympathetic joy, gratitude and love. Many people gamble, drink, take medication, or engage in other potential means of escape without any problem. The problem rests in excess and I believe at the root of excess is emotional pain. We live in a country where people are going to extremes to numb their pain and in the process are numbing the most beautiful aspects of being human. Is it really surprising that with all these avenues of aversion our country is getting more violent? Is this just a coincidence? Or is it an outcome of systematically numbing our love, compassion and empathy?
If we are unwilling to face our own emotional pain, can we show up in real ways for others that are hurting? I know that I could not. When I was going to extremes to escape my feelings, I was unable to be there for anyone.
De-Stigmatize the Struggle
The most concerning piece of all of this is that people that are reaching out for support in dealing with troubling emotions are usually given a “diagnosis” of “mental illness” and often given large amounts of psychiatric drugs – this is furthering the societal habit of institutionalizing escape. Then we are told that we must “de-stigmatize” the labels we have been given.
Prior to escaping my pain through sensual pleasures, self-making and destruction, I reached out for help from various psychiatrists. I was never asked during my many sessions about traumatic experiences I had endured. The thought that emotional distress could have been the result of my body’s natural response to extreme stress was never discussed. Instead, I was diagnosed, and offered psychiatric medications. The goal was to stop the emotional pain I was having. The goal should have been centered on healing.
My personal experiences and my experiences as an advocate have showed me that we support those in emotional distress by providing methods of escape far more than we provide ways to heal. I am deeply grateful that some compassionate people took the time to teach me how to sit with emotional pain. Through connections to people and nature, and through practices like meditation, qigong and yoga, I have learned to stop running from my pain. The part that I am most grateful for is that once I stopped numbing myself I found my heart opening in ways I had never experienced. I also found that practicing healing arts raised my awareness to other areas of my life that needed some adjustments – and I will find more as I continue on my healing journey.
I share parts of my narrative because it is the one I have the right to share. I have seen many other people’s lives transform when in their darkest hour they are provided with warmth, compassion and choice. I have seen people’s lives transform when, instead of numbing pain, they explore pain with openness and curiosity. I know many people that discovered that transformation avails itself in our darkest hour.
I hope that we create more spaces and programs that support people healing from emotional distress – not aid people in the process of masking emotional pain. Healing and recovery involve much more than the reductionist medical model offers. We need to find better ways to deal with strife and struggle. We need to find ways to turn toward our own emotional pain so we can turn towards others who are suffering. Amazing things happen when people have the tools necessary to open their hearts to the world.
This a challenging time in our nation’s history – there are a lot of problems to solve. At the root of the solution to the problem lies love and compassion. We need to make sure we are not numbing our hearts to those that are hurting. We need to de-stigmatize the struggles, joys and pains that come with being human. We need to not just mindlessly pursue happiness – though we might think of that as an inalienable right – and avoid pain. We need to do the only thing that brings true joy: embrace all of life and each other, as we experience together all that makes us human.
* * * * *
Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.
I agree that we’ve become an avoidant culture. We avoid in many ways, including by judging ourselves and others. I think we avoid emotional pain because we often attach it to judgment and blame, which only serves to magnify whatever is at the root of our pain. That’s when we go from being in pain, to actually suffering.
Judgment, blame and guilt can be excruciating to our hearts and minds, and can cause us to dissociate and shut down emotionally, causing us, in turn, to not be in control of our actions. We hurt ourselves and we hurt others when we are in judgment.
“Amazing things happen when people have the tools to open their hearts to the world.”
Amen to that, my life transformed dramatically when I did family healing work in order to bring my heart energy back into balance. I became a whole person, healing rippled out to my partner and family, and I found peace. Until then, I’d lost all sense of joy in life. But once my heart healed from wounds which had been festering, life became joyous again because I found the clarity of my heart, which is where we find our deepest truth and live by it. Heart healing was the turning point.
Thanks, Deron, for sharing your wisdom.
One thing I want to add here–I think it’s pretty much the rule of thumb that that which we avoid from denial gets bigger and more louder until we address it. We humans have powerful defenses, but when we look at the state of the world and of humanity at this point, it is easy to see that collectively, we’ve been avoiding quite a bit, and the shadow is now looming outside of us, quite dramatically, in fact.
Addressing our own pain head on without projecting it onto another is what will allow us to find inner peace and social balance.
I think it’s pretty much the rule of thumb that that which we avoid from denial gets bigger and more louder until we address it.
Interesting (and ironic)…
Noted, thank you.
Hi Alex, thank you for sharing such beautiful words. I too had to bring my heart energy into balance. Once I did the work required to take the journey from my head to my heart, my life changed in ways I never imagined. I agree – heart healing is the turning point!
I see evasions taking place, too, but I wonder if the evasion isn’t more of personal responsibility than of what you are calling “emotional pain”. Physical pain is one thing, “emotional” and/or psychological “pain” another. Ditto, physical and “psychological injury.” Responsibility goes with liberty. Evade it, and you imperil not only your own, but the liberty of other people as well. Risking one’s savings at the draw of a card or the turn of a wheel is not particularly responsible behavior, nor is exploiting and capitalizing on the irresponsibility of other people.
Anyway, interesting post. Good to see it here.
Hey Frank, I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I agree with you around personal responsibility for the most part – my concern is that our subconscious is so much more powerful than our conscious mind and there are so many ways to get conditioned into escaping our basic humanity without our being fully aware that it is happening. The “mental health system” being a great example – you are struggling with your human experience and summon the courage to ask for help – resulting in your being encouraged to accept that you have a permanent brain conditioned that requires strong drugs and a cessation of full-time employment (a narrative I have heard far too many times). Also true of so many other methods of aversion – we too often follow the lead of others and end up sucked into the power of alcohol, consumerism, etc. I do think it is personal responsibility that plays a huge role in people getting out of that trap – as does the love of compassionate people. Deron
Learning to meet psychological needs and not discount their basis in life’s necessities, through which we share and achieve our understandings, is great subject material for us. I really think so, and appreciate your line of commentary; and enjoyed what else you told of your personal experiences this time. Thank you–
Travailler-vous, I appreciate you commenting. I think living our life fully awake to our psychological needs is truly great subject material for us. Harder said than done but worth the effort. Peace to you. Deron
people that are reaching out for support in dealing with troubling emotions are usually given a “diagnosis” of “mental illness” and often given large amounts of psychiatric drugs – this is furthering the societal habit of institutionalizing escape. Then we are told that we must “de-stigmatize” the labels we have been given.
Yeah how about that. We don’t want any “stigma” attached to being drug-dependent zombies, do we?
Hey oldhead, My first draft began with a reference to “The Walking Dead” and zombies in general but ultimately I took it out because I felt it did’t work. I was comparing zombies with tranced out consumers. I just know life is way too short to be zombie-like or to be in a trance – it is also much more beautiful when we are awake to the good and the bad. And to see people made zombie-like under the guise of “treatment” is horrifying.
Thanks for the insights, Deron. I largely agree, except I believe, “We need to” STOP stigmatizing “the struggles, joys, and pains that come with being human,” not just de-stigmatize.
Truly, I’m still amazed that there is an industry full of people who did not learn from WWII, that defaming people with scientifically invalid “mental illnesses,” then torturing and killing others was, and still is, immoral and unacceptable human behavior. I had thought all understood this decades ago.
But, I agree, love is the answer. I must concede, however, I unfortunately have met hypocrites who are so full of self-loathing and self-hatred, or who are such staggering egomaniacs, that they’re unwilling or undesirous of love. Leaving me in the camp that believes a judgement must occur, prior to humanity being able to transition to a point we can all work together in the spirit of cooperation, rather than fight each other with fierce competition.
I pray for the day all those willing to treat others with love, mutual respect, and compassion will take control and lead humanity forward to a better day. In the meantime, we decent wage our peaceful war of words, in the hopes of educating others, and in the hope of eventually bringing about a world with justice for all.
Hey Someone Else, Wow your comment really resonated with me. My life had to completely come apart for me to find my purpose and for me to truly open my heart to others. I do wonder if there needs to be a mass “rock bottom” so to speak before we all wake up to what we are doing to each other, to other sentient beings, and to the planet itself. I hope not – in the meantime I am grateful that there are people like you that are willing “to treat others with love, mutual respect, and compassion.”
American culture in the 21st century doesn’t value character development. Winning, or at least…avoiding becoming a “loser…” seems to be value #1, above all else. Losers suffer. Losers don’t matter. The only people whose suffering really matters in 21st century America are the affluent and the attractive.
Profound and true. As a society, we’ve traded character, compassion, and integrity for utterly superficial values amounting to who has the most money, titles, and “followers.”
I’m not sure, however, if I’d agree that those with character, compassion, and integrity are the “losers” in this particular divide. While I don’t actually perceive people as ‘losers,’ ever, I just think that those in the latter category are not quite as settled and at peace as they’d like for people to believe. That’s one of our biggest illusions, which I’d love to see crumble, because imo, it sets a really terrible example, and has been for quite a while.
For social change to occur, that pole must shift. To me, that would be the social revolution we’re looking for, to end the needless suffering via marginalization which is what occurs in a ‘sick society.’ It’s not necessarily a ‘war on the rich,’ but I do believe it is a call for integrity. I think that’s what has gone missing the most, and what I feel would be the exact foundation of a sound, balanced, and just society.
Yeah .. I have to agree with you. I do think there are signs of change. This website being one of the signs. I hope from my heart that we move from a society built around competition to one built around collaboration. Dr. Bruce Lipton writes about how Darwin was wrong – the survival of this planet does not rely on “the fittest” rather, Dr. Lipton argues, the most collaborative. I like that view.
Deron, Per Yeah_I_survived’s sayings…. The timeliness is right on about the uptick in philosophical commitments for psychological testing and legal determinations of incompetency. The Aristotelian view of character development is seeing its final formulation come to fruition as it matters for critical overviews of the human sciences including its nomenclature and research methods. Some European intellectuals with evident backing from select American pragmatists are setting the bar for a recovery of Sartre’s views on character traits and egoic presentations of affect and intentional modes of conduct. To me, this far-reching and largely invisible (i. e., “kept invisible”) trend belies the humdrum overemphasis of the multiple “cultures” of various research and institutional milieu’s and morass’s of anti-responsibility, here at home.
I believe everyone has a role to play in society. Even the man with the mind of a three-year-old who has to lie in bed and can’t go to the bathroom without help performs a valuable function. He forces the rest of us to come to grips with our selfishness and learn to love more unconditionally.