I Live


Hello friends and other interested parties. My name is Ekaterina. I was born in Russia during the year of the dragon (according to Chinese wisdom), month of cancer (according to astrology). Currently we are in the year of the rat, characterised by the global coronavirus pandemic, which gives a message: start taking care of the rats instead of chasing them, and I hope that the humanity will arrive at this conclusion, since all animals are sacred.

I have the tendency to think in mystical terms, you see.

Officially, it was still a year of stagnation of the old Soviet Union, but I can confirm from lived experience that I was born in a beautiful land: RUSSIA.

I was a seeker from the moment I was born. I was lying in my cot and always observing, seeing magic everywhere that no one else could see. At the age of three, just to give you a good example, I saw the devil for the first time, staring at me from the window. I wasn’t really scared, just little bit surprised, and his view was magnificent: just how he is usually described in scary books and movies. A monster, but a gorgeous one. I remember my parents telling me that it was all my imagination, but when I saw the devil for the first time, I said to myself: he is real, and what you see is real too.

My own story of beauty and the beast continued all my life: you can read about my encounters with the devil on my blog: www.russianpatient.com, as well as about my diagnosis of “bipolar,” inflicted on me when I was 27. But if “bipolar” is what I am, then I was blessed with this condition since the moment I was born. I had a vivid imagination, always wanting to connect with the sky. I remember walking to school, and looking up. What is there, I kept on asking myself? Surely, there is more to our reality than what is presented as the absolute objective truth?

Officially my diagnosis came after my second “psychosis.” Apparently, psychiatry has a script to follow: if you are “psychotic” more than once, then a diagnosis of “bipolar” or “schizophrenia” is assigned to the already distressed patient. Personally, I prefer “schizophrenia” as a diagnosis, as it’s the one that gives psychiatry any legitimacy: that’s the one they will never understand, and they shouldn’t. My second psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis of “schizophrenia” at first but later on it was changed to “bipolar.” I found the debate about my diagnoses both interesting and draining, especially since what they define as “psychosis” is a beautiful experience on my part.

I see angels, I talk with God. I meet with the devil; each time, he appears in a different form. I have strong, powerful visions, I am your modern shaman. I communicate with birds and other animals, but I am definitely a cat queen, and the master of seagulls. I lucid-dream very often, where I sometimes become a fairy and try to make this world a better place. That’s what bothers me the most each day: how to make out of this earth a paradise, instead of misery we see everywhere—such as wars, September Eleventh, fights among the religions, poverty, hunger, distressed children. How? How, indeed, to make it all again beautiful, equal for everyone and unique? How to transform the planet earth into a place of beautiful magic, so that Jesus, when he returns, can walk here in peace and glory?

The above statements are defined by the psychiatry as “delusional thinking,” if you are interested to know.

After receiving my diagnosis, I noticed a peculiar thing. There is a terrible stigma attached to the condition. Depression appears to be accepted now, but don’t you dare to be little bit “schizo,” such as “bipolar,” “having schizophrenia,” or god bless, “personality disorder.” It seems to me (that’s paranoia speaking) that psychiatry does it on purpose. They say they are trying to “help” you, but if you read the definitions attached to the above psychiatric conditions, then you will notice a contradiction. It can’t be helped. It’s written that it’s chronic. It’s written that it is life threatening. It is written that people with such “conditions’” lead a miserable life and die earlier.

It is simply depressing, and awfully sad. Why is it such a “crime” to dance naked under the stars, communicate with nature, and see angels? Why are we punished with diagnoses, and then punished even more when we refuse to accept the medical model of looking at human experiences? You might risk being accused as a non-compliant, or accused of being a scientologist, as I was at some point—which made me, obviously, curious about scientology; not that I even know how to join it and become a member. A couple of scientologists I met were very nice people, though.

Why is it such a “crime” to explore alternative realities, and look for something beyond our totally medicalized society? In some cultures, one would be revered instead, and not locked away. To change our current status quo would entail fighting with big companies and psychiatry as an institution, and a few individuals who see beyond the rule of Big Pharma and psychiatry as an institution to control human behaviour have little chance of success. But I do hope it will change one day, or that at least, I, in my personal life, will be able to exit the narrative.

In my own personal life, I achieved lots of beautiful things with the label of “bipolar” hanging behind my back. I have one bachelor’s diploma, two master’s degrees, with one of them being executive (recognised as MBA), a PhD in philosophy, and fluent, excellent knowledge of four languages: Russian, French, English, and Dutch. I lived in four countries, in two of them twice, worked in finances as an analyst and portfolio manager in Amsterdam, as an interpreter and headhunter in Brussels, as a university teacher in Belgium, The United Kingdom, and The Netherlands. I am also a mother, where I try to be at my absolute best, since my son is my biggest achievement, my greatest joy.

Dealing with stigma around the diagnoses is a terrible thing. You are constantly moving with a scarlet letter attached to your back. In the Middle Ages we were burnt at the stake; in the current age, we suffer in silence in psychiatric institutions, which we can never really leave, even if “officially” discharged, because of the diagnosis. It follows you everywhere, in our corrupted Western hemisphere, like a rat that never received any love. I, obviously, removed the label from my own head, but it is still somewhere, in the notes of the deluded psychiatrists. I used to collect their notes, reading what they wrote about me. I stopped at some point and started to write my own notes, my own story. I have a book I almost finished writing by now, and share my notes on my website. I experience my “psychosis” with some pride, you see.

Still, even if the diagnosis is removed by oneself, and of course, you are allowed to do it (why not? Did they show you any physical test showing that you are ill?), one needs to be extra careful. One is always vulnerable after ending up at some point in psychiatry. For myself, I do take some medication (I can’t afford to stop it, where I am now), I make sure I sleep, I try to follow some routine. Routine is important as it keeps one grounded, when the head has the tendency to fly in the oasis of magical thinking. I try to walk, and listen to birds, I eat well, I indulge in a nice cup of coffee, in a nice glass of red sweet wine on some evenings. Vaping instead of smoking also helps me. I listen to nice music, mostly to either Taylor Swift or Robbie Williams, I cook meals for my son, I love my work when I teach. I continue to write.

I live.


Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.


Mad in America has made some changes to the commenting process. You no longer need to login or create an account on our site to comment. The only information needed is your name, email and comment text. Comments made with an account prior to this change will remain visible on the site.


  1. I really enjoyed reading your article. Having lived experience myself, I think these two sentences of yours sum up the situation brilliantly: “In the Middle Ages we were burnt at the stake; in the current age, we suffer in silence in psychiatric institutions, which we can never really leave, even if “officially” discharged, because of the diagnosis.”

    “One is always vulnerable after ending up at some point in psychiatry.”

    Report comment

  2. What makes me marvel a little bit is the way that our society wants to “treat” people who don’t experience distress.

    Could you imagine how many historical religious figures would have been treated in this day and age? Like Joan D’Arc or other saints. Or heck, any of the people who wrote what people now organize into a Bible. They all had mystical and religious experiences, but weren’t simply dismissed as “ill.”

    Growing up Catholic as a child, I did wonder why there are so few modern-day saints. Why did God stop speaking or interacting with humans? It took me a long time to figure out that they’d be exactly the type who would be forced into a treatment to “fix” their minds.

    Report comment

  3. Well I am glad psychiatry allows us to have ONE psychosis.
    Perhaps if a psychiatrist was in a great mood, or just a nice guy, or liked his subject, he might allow TWO. I sure question “reality” when seeing how shrinks define it.
    I’m sure there are a few good eggs in the basket of rotten eggs. It’s difficult with eggs, we can’t see them on the inside unless we crack them open.
    Thank you Ekaterina for the blog.

    Report comment

  4. What a lovely personal message to us all!
    I have been accused of being a Scientologist, too, by the way! Ha ha!
    In that study is one answer to your question. Lots of answers to lots of questions, actually.

    There are beings on Earth who are jealous of others knowing the truth. Did you know that?
    They live, or so they fancy, by pretending that they know the truth. What an unfortunate trap for them.

    I am currently in a friendship with a girl who was once accused (oh, sorry, uh – diagnosed) of having “borderline personality disorder” whatever that is. She has been one of the dearest friends I have ever known. I guess certain people see being friendly as crazy! Again, they are only caught in their own trap.

    Shine on, Ekaterina (my grandmother’s name, too)! Goodness knows this planet needs your light right now.

    Report comment

    • @l_e_cox the best people I met are all diagnosed with a ‘psychiatric disorder’ because they tend to be genuine people who are not ‘fit” for our greedy, calculating society.
      Yes, I also noticed that some people envy the absence of fakeness, because they don’t know how to do it sincerely – to live one’s life in truth, kindness and embracing of the beautiful things and sad things with one’s all might. The trend of today is to teach us how to be superficial from a young age.

      Report comment

  5. Thank-you, Ekaterina!
    Good to see you again. As for Scientology, it grew out of the book “Dianetics”, and other writings from L. Ron Hubbard, who had his own BAD experiences with psychiatry in the U.S.Navy during WW2, or the “Great Patriotic War”, as I believe it is still known in the old USSR, now Russia. That is whyScientology, &
    The “Citizens Commission on Human Rights”, under it, are so anti-psychiatry. And also why they are targetted by the Medical Establishment. Now, my words:
    “Psychiatry is a pseudoscience, a drugs racket, and a mechanism of social control. It’s 21st Century Phrenology, with potent neurotoxins. Psychiatry has done, and continues to do, far more harm than good. So-called “mental illnesses” are exactly as “real” as presents from Santa Claus, but NOT MORE REAL! The DSM-5 is a fictional catalog of billing codes. EVERYTHING in it was either INVENTED, or CREATED, NOTHING in it was discovered. Consider the distinction in meanings here.”….
    I consider you NORMAL, and that you are a whole, healthy, happy human being, and a desperately needed GIFT TO THE WORLD. If indeed you’re “crazy”, then YES!, we need as many crazy people like you as we can get! Your son and his Father are blessed! May God Bless you & your family and friends!
    I trust that MiA will allow me to post my mailing address here:
    Bill Bradford
    P.O. Box 23
    Keene, NH, 03431

    Report comment

    • @bradford.
      Dear Bradford.
      Thank you for leaving such a wonderful comment under my article. I will send you a card: we should do it more often: write real things and use real post.
      As to Scientology, of course I discovered by now their mission and that they do amazing work via the Commission for Human Rights, if anything it helped me on my journey to discover that someone more organised fights such a battle.
      I also, obviously bought the Dianetics but got stuck in it, as it needs a calm environment to enjoy reading it, while I am not yet there. I am there meeting a ‘nice’ psychiatrist or making a nice psychiatrist out of any psychiatrist is what keeps me staying in the fight, on my side of the equation where I am determined to have a nice life.
      Of course, I am not crazy. I am unusual. I can be weird and I went through initiation into shamanism. I am a very powerful shaman if I am still here and living my life rather well, with full intention to continue so.
      Scientology from what I read, seems like a party of nice people or at least this made me see them that way, after glancing at how many rumours are there. Taylor Swift once was a subject of rumours and so was Britney Spears, my favourite singers who fought for their reputation and made me love them more. Usually behind the modern ‘rumours’, something wonderful is a target of our ‘normal’, mediocre thinking, an unfortunate development of our humankind.

      Report comment

  6. Bradford, where did you get the data that Hubbard had bad experiences with psychiatrists during the war?

    He was working with psychiatrists after the war, and teaching them to deliver Dianetics to their patients until their leadership pulled the plug and decided Hubbard was a bad guy. Then all psychiatrists had to toe the line and reject Hubbard, or else.

    In the 1960s Hubbard started looking into how psychiatry was related to other power groups which were “legitimate” but had turned criminal. He helped set up CCHR based on those findings, and also wrote a set of articles on the subject around 1969. The reasons for working against psychiatry go much deeper than the above discussion, but I never heard of any “bad experiences” during the war!

    Report comment

  7. A wonderful article Ekaterina to remind us we all belong to humankind and all have the right to be treated as such.
    It’s almost sadistic psychiatry claims to “help” people but instead quickly punishes them with denigrating labels or as how l_e_cox describes it as “accusing” someone of having one of the denigrating DSM labels.
    It appears it’s some psychiatrists who are deluded and unable to grasp reality largely due to their narrow minded, rigid thinking. Keep writing and best of wishes.

    Report comment