Ruby, I can relate so much to your experience. Thank you for describing everything in such a beautiful, touching and thought-provoking way! (I was not at all surprised when I read that you are now in a creative writing program). And you are so right about evil: evil can so often mask as good. I guess that most psychiatrists are genuinely convinced that they are helping their patients, that the patients have biologically-based diseases and that patients who are “uncompliant” simply don’t know what is good for them. I was put on Abilify in 2012, after a psychotic episode. I have experienced the emotional blunting you mention, as well as many other side effects, and I felt that my life had become sad and almost meaningless. I sometimes even felt suicidal, though it had never happened to me before. I often felt that my life, my real life, had ended, and that I was no longer myself. Psychiatrists did not even want to reduce my dose – I was getting the standard one, though I am less than 5’2 tall. But just like you I felt that I did not want to “accept the terrible fate others had already accepted for me” – to spend years and maybe even the rest of my life without feeling truly alive, without even being able to have real conversations with my family members (Abilify caused a horrifying emptiness in my mind, as if I had literally nothing to say to others). Fortunately I was able to come off Abilify after spending more than a month on it. I have never told psychiatrists about it and simply stopped registering for psychiatric appointments. I have never had another psychosis. After losing my job in 2018 and a period of unemployment I felt forced to get involved again with the psychiatric system in order to be able to apply for a disability pension. I feel uneasy because of this involvement with the system, but I feel that I have no other choice. I am not taking the prescribed neuroleptics, but I can’t be open about it. Anyway, I was receiving the disability pension only for a year and I have now been fighting for many months to get it again (my case is now in a court). But even though I am poor and forced to rely on my mum’s financial help and on my various small freelance jobs, I am very happy and I feel free.