The Role of Regret in Bereavement: Grief Study Resists Pathologizing of Mourning

A recent article published in Death Studies explores the lived experience of bereavement-related regret.

The qualitative study examines the experience of bereavement-related regret in depth, asking what it feels like, how it changes over time, and how it links the living to the dead. Rather than treating regret as a symptom to measure and reduce, the researchers utilized an experiential exercise that invited participants to speak from the perspectives of their “past” and “present” selves.

The research was inspired by lead author Allison Yang’s personal encounter with bereavement-related regret. Their method, hermeneutic phenomenology, is an approach that focuses on lived experience and accepts that the researchers’ own histories and commitments shape the work.

The study was conducted under the supervision of Derrick Klaassen at Trinity Western University, with ongoing guidance from Kaori Wada at the University of Calgary, an expert in grief theory whose work examines the emergence of prolonged grief disorder and the broader consequences of medicalizing grief.

“What follows is a rich and layered account of five key features of bereavement-related regret that emerged from participants’ experiences: (a) a tangible and sensed embodiment, (b) an active entity that requests engagement, (c) a permanent yet dynamic presence, (d) a complex network connecting to other people, memories, and feelings, and (e) a dialogical phenom- enon revealed between interaction of one’s present self and past self.”

In a context where diagnostic manuals increasingly carve out grief as a mental disorder that should be treated until symptoms remit, the study adds weight to calls to depathologize mourning and to pay closer attention to the meaning of difficult emotions.

Regret is a prevalent and consistent across instances of bereavement. The authors note that while levels of grief and depression may decrease over time, self-blame and regret did not. They reference the results of a national survey that found regret is associated with general distress, anhedonic depression, and anxious arousal. 

The study moves away from traditional grief research that centers on the causes, consequences, and cures of emotional distress. Instead, it approaches regret and expands our understanding of it by allowing for complex and dynamic experiences that do not fit neatly into diagnostics of solution-focused frameworks. 

“The way bereavement-related regret is experienced as something that is alive, complex, and dynamic opens us up to deeper realms of understanding that were previously passing by unseen. Perhaps this research can act as one step toward building a more relational world, one that allows for possibility rather than assumption, in our interactions with our emotions, ourselves, and each other. Maybe it is high time that we reassess the way we see regret and grief as problems to be solved, and instead wonder what they invite us to, if only we could see with fresh eyes. After all, we only live once.”

The authors define bereavement-related regret as the experience when death highlights a regrettable action or inaction in a relationship, which creates or increases a feeling of regret. For example, when choosing not to visit a family member is not regrettable in and of itself, however, finding out the family member was tragically killed would become a source of regret for not taking the opportunity to visit when it was still possible. 

The study addresses gaps in existing literature by exploring underexamined dimensions of regret. Specifically, it examines the embodied nature of regret, its deeply relational and interconnected qualities, and its dynamic, shifting presence within the ongoing experience of grief.

Employing hermeneutic phenomenology, the study explores the lived experiences of bereavement-related regret, emphasizing not only how life is thought to be but how it is personally experienced. Hermeneutic phenomenology recognizes that researcher neutrality is neither possible nor desirable and values depth, openness, and richness in understanding participants’ experiences.

The researchers recruited six adults (ages 26-39) who had experienced bereavement at least one year prior and reported specific regrets related to a loved one. Semi-structured interviews lasting 90–150 minutes were conducted. Participants were also invited to engage in a two-chair exercise to access embodied experiences of regret and facilitate dialogue between their present and past selves, prompting reflection on their own understandings of regret.

The study was inspired by one author’s personal bereavement experience and was conducted under supervision and consultation with experts in grief theory (Klaassen and Wada). Reflexive practices included ongoing self-reflection, consultation throughout study design and data collection, and participant checks following initial data analysis. Participants confirmed that the themes and key quotes accurately represented their experiences.

The researchers identified the following five key features characterizing the lived experience of bereavement-related regret:

• Tangible and Sensed Embodiment 

Participants consistently described regret as something physically felt in the body – tightness in the chest and stomach, or a dense, dark sensation.

• Regret as an Active Entity 

Notably, the authors found that every participant depicted regret as its own active entity with which they had a relationship. They described this active agent as powerful, unpredictable, urgent, clarifying, or relentless. 

• Permanent Yet Dynamic Presence 

This theme highlights the dialectics of regret: it is both permanent and never remains the same, with its form and intensity shifting over time. The authors note that multiple participants used the imagery of a cloud to communicate the way regret is always present with the capacity to shape-shift.

• Complex Relational Network 

All participants described the complexity of bereavement-related regret, as they experienced it as interconnected, tangled, and relational, intertwined within a multilayered web of emotions and histories. 

• Dialogue Between Past and Present Selves 

The temporal nature of regret sets it apart from other experiences, such as happiness or sadness, because it is inherently tied to a specific point in time. This temporal tension emerges between the past self, who only had limited knowledge, and the present self, who can no longer act. Thus, regret is an internal dialogue between “who I was then” and “who I am now.” The researchers point out that the chair exercise provided a richer understanding of this phenomenon, for both themselves and the participants. 

One participant expressed their regret through a poem titled “Clouds,” illustrating the power of poetry and metaphor to capture nuance and complexity. The poem highlights the temporal tension of regret:

i should have said how much that meant to me if this was now,
i would have told her
i wish i had told her
i never got to tell her

It also conveys the physicality of grief:

Regret
i get cold shivers thinking about it
everything kind of drops
the longer i stay in it
the more i start to feel nauseous

Finally, the poem reflects both the permanence and dynamic nature of regret:

there’s been a shadow for a long time it doesn’t have to always be there
the cloud can change
Clouds aren’t something that stay they move and they change

The findings of this study, contrary to developments that frame grief and regret as clinical problems requiring resolution, support the depathologization of regret in bereavement and challenge the notion that it is something that must be “treated” by a clinician.

This takeaway extends beyond grief research and resonates with Wada’s broader critiques of Western psychiatric frameworks, which she argues function as cultural products of coloniality.

Wada’s work, including her critique of the medicalization of grief and the development of Prolonged Grief Disorder, highlights how diagnostic categories often reflect institutional, financial, and cultural forces more than scientific evidence.

She notes that Western psychological models tend to portray grief as linear and pathologize deviations, marginalizing those whose experiences do not align with Western norms. In contrast, she draws on Indigenous and culturally grounded perspectives that emphasize collective resilience, spirituality, and the sociohistorical context of loss.

Collectively, the authors’ scholarship underscores the need for research on regret and grief across related disciplines to move beyond deficit models and toward relational, culturally responsive understandings of complex, dynamic lived experience.

****

Yang, A. Y., Klaassen, D. W., & Wada, K. (2025). “I could have”: The lived experience of bereavement-related regret. Death Studies, 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2025.2502987