Undoing Thirteen Years of Iatrogenic Illness

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No one was ever going to tell me that I was never mentally ill.

Why would they?

It would mean that everything The System did to me was a lie.

It would mean that my thirteen years trapped there were important, formative years I could have spent living a “normal life” like the other kids did.

It would mean that a bunch of grown adults stole my purity as an innocent child who didn’t know any better and trusted that her doctors were the “experts” over her.

It would mean that I was nothing more than a commodity that generated profit for them.

It would mean that their numerous attempts to institutionalize me against my will were cash grabs, not a genuine effort to care for my mental health.

It would mean that all the treatments they advertise as “100% safe and effective” are anything but.

It would mean that the paid actors frolicking awkwardly among the sunshine and flowers in depression commercials under the subtitle “real people, not actors” are definitely paid actors.

It would mean that every $250 ten-minute appointment culminating in a criminalizing, lifelong diagnostic label and hastily-written script was not intended to truly listen to me.

It would mean that the allopathic evangelicals and DSM Bible-thumpers are not the experts on human behavior they proclaim to be, but are actually a bunch of Dip Shit Morons (DSMs).

It would mean that they would need to provide me with the data and evidence I asked for to prove that I am mentally ill, rather than conjure up frivolous, subjective opinions about my human behavior as if throwing darts at a dartboard.

It would mean that they would be required to diagnose themselves with the same things they diagnosed me with.

It would mean that they would have to forfeit their peace, safety, and privacy and trudge down the spiral staircases of their ivory towers to see what it’s like to be forced into inhumane conditions in psychiatric wards against their will.

It would mean that they would have to take off their white coats, blazers, ties, and pantyhose and meet me at my level — in my tennis shoes, sweatshirt, and messy bun.

It would mean that they are human beings who are fully capable of making mistakes and being wrong.

It would mean that they would have to humble themselves and apologize for those mistakes.

It would mean that they would have to admit to themselves that they have blood on their hands.

No one was ever going to tell me that I was never mentally ill.

Why would they?

It would mean that there was never anything wrong with me in the first place.

It would mean that there was nothing about me that needed fixing.

It would mean that the twenty-five diagnoses they slapped onto me over the years from the DSM would have no hold on me.

It would mean that I wasn’t just “born this way” as an inherently defective and incurable patient but a true trauma survivor who walked out of the fire alive.

It would mean that my brain is beautiful, powerful, capable, and strong — stronger than they ever gave me credit for.

It would mean that being placed in the Talented and Gifted program in elementary school and scoring in the 99th percentile on mathematics tests throughout my childhood was evidence that I’m actually somewhat smart.

It would mean that I graduated with a Computer Science degree while overmedicated and dissociated, while all the odds were against me as I battled biweekly hospital visits, regular paramedic visits, panic attacks, and medication-induced psychosis and hallucinations.

It would mean that I’m a deep and critical thinker who is beyond capable of thinking outside of the box they put me in and coming up with innovative solutions they could never dare to think of themselves.

It would mean that being different is a good thing.

It would mean that I’m not the kind of crazy that psychiatry demonized me to be, but the good kind of crazy that can change the world.

It would mean that the deep emotions and high sensitivity I feel were never pathological, but the beautiful blessings of being an empath, a rare gift that the world needs more of.

It would mean that I never needed another person, medication, system, doctrine, or institution to come and save me, but that I was fully capable of saving myself.

It would mean that after escaping the matrix of iatrogenic illness that almost drove me to my death and cracking the code on the most intricate riddle that I’ve ever encountered, I can do anything that I put my mind to.

It would mean that after I have conquered my recovery to its completion — and trust me when I say that I will 100% recover from this nosocomial nightmare — I am going to live the most beautiful life that I always deserved.

No one was ever going to tell me that I was never mentally ill.

Why would they?

It would mean that I am absolutely perfect just the way that I am.

***

Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.

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35 COMMENTS

  1. Greetings, sister. You have taught me a new word: iatronic. We have both suffered from iatronic illnesses, we have both been tortured by psychiatrists, and we have both survived. I would love to put my arms around you and give you a big hug. If you ever want to escape from living in a fascist dictatorship, you are always welcome in my home in Québec.

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    • Mirror of my life I am trying to recover from 80 years of trauma trauma that I was never seen heard never knew about my Trauma until reading Gabor Mate’ seeing his work and finally accepting that mine was never addressed rather as a journey of silencing my fears loneliness .
      Psychiatrists at every stage since age 5 that now I see now I rediscovered myself as I stopped going away going forward and the mirror shows a glimmer of hope self love respect
      anger gone as the song said. I can see clearly now the rain has stopped see the others whose paths
      have trauma but the journey began with my first step too soon old never too late to seek find the little girl wish I had Dr Mate’s insights but I let it come it took so long that expression I was so down it looked like up to me now I am up
      a better life

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      • Hi Liska, I’m so sad to hear about your similar experience. Gabor Maté played a role in my process of “waking up” to what was done to me as well. I particularly enjoyed “The Myth of Normal” and “When the Body Says No.” I hope your many decades of pain continue to heal as you embrace the truth of who you are—that there was never anything wrong with you, and that you simply went through horrific experiences. Blessings to you!

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    • Forgive my delay in responding! I just figured out how to respond to comments from my author account.

      Thank you for your kind words. I’m so sad to hear you had a similar experience. The world just doesn’t understand us math girls who think outside the box 😉

      I hope you’re currently living the most beautiful life you deserve, too. God bless you as well. All the best. ♡

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    • I’ve already done my research and understand the psych “diagnoses” have no scientific validity. The antidepressants and ADHD drugs can create the bipolar symptoms (read Whitaker’s research).

      And the anticholinergic drug classes (including both the antidepressants and antipsychotics) can create the positive symptoms of schizophrenia, via anticholinergic toxidrome. Not to mention the antipsychotics (aka neuroleptics) can create the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, via neuroleptic induced deficit syndrome.

      There is less than any scientific validity to anything the “mental health” industries do – it’s all iatrogenic illness creation.

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        • Thanks, everyone, for the resources—and thank you, Sharon, for mentioning “Unshrunk.” I’m familiar with it! A couple of months ago I went to the bookstore and bought it because I had heard the rave reviews. One chapter in, though, it became too painful for me to keep reading. At this stage of my recovery, I’m still having a hard time with reminders of my time in the system and the evils in the world. So for now I’m focused on my own healing and have taken a break from the books. However, I do hope to be able to read “Unshrunk” in full one day!

          Delano is making a huge difference in this community. I know she was recently on a podcast with Mikhaila Peterson, who has recently become more of a public advocate on psych med withdrawal:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJzw4uaG1CM

          Again, haven’t watched it yet, but I plan to once I’m in a better mental state to be reminded of these things.

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  4. I was just dealing today with exactly the same concept and conclusion: “iatrogenic”. Nothing much left ouf of my life at this point.
    Writing a letter to my brother who decided to IGNORE all of it. Another one of those Dip Shit Morons (DSMs) – as you write, part of the system also. That is why there is this anosognosia (inability to recognise the ill -(ness). That would be too hard, too demanding …and they are so busy…

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  6. Dear Natalie, You certainly are perfect just the way you are. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your experience. There is a doctor in Ontario, Canada who calls his office “Teen Clinic” where he dispenses meds to adolescents as if it were candy! My beautiful, sweet, grand-daughter was prescribed toxic anti-depressants by this doc when she actually needed career counseling. When she called him that the meds weren’t working, he doubled her dose over the phone! The effects were immediate and “toxic”. On these drugs, she subsequently took her own life. It has been 8 years, and our family is still feeling the devastation.

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    • They are reckless. Sorry, sorry to hear.

      It could have been over for me 40 years ago…fortunately I was dazed and my one only attempt failed. It was massive, mammoth dose and I collapsed under it PLUS …I clearly saw the waste of my life, exactly as it eventually happened.

      And NOW I know it was completely USELESS, they treated NOTHING, their theories/”science” are JUNK …all they do is they destroy your brain so that whatever competitive edge is necessary to succeed/survive they kill.

      What a poor young life wasted there in your grand daughter!

      They are reckless criminals. Unfortunately they control “the narrative” so most people figure out after it is too late. Most just end up in a trap, a mortal trap.

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    • I lost my son too, also when the dose was increased.

      I found out later that I have a common gene mutation (so my son did too) that lowers Folic Acid, Vit B12 and Vit D and so do psych drugs. That, plus stress can cause serious problems.

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    • Hi Sharon,

      Thank you so much for your meaningful response to my story.

      I am heartbroken to hear about your precious granddaughter. It’s disgusting what these “doctors” are doing to children who are simply going through the normal struggles of growing up as teenagers and young adults.

      I’m sure she was quite the fighter and warrior against what those toxic drugs were doing to her body after that sick man forced them on her. I can only imagine the depth of the pain, anger, and grief your family still carries eight years later. My family would have felt the exact same devastation if it had happened to me.

      I believe your granddaughter’s beautiful, sweet spirit lives on in this world. It is very admirable that you continue to research, read, and speak out about causes related to psychiatric malpractice and abuse. That kind of advocacy means more than you know to survivors who are so often dismissed, disbelieved, and labeled as crazy or attention-seeking. Thank you for being a voice for those who feel silenced.

      I wish you and your family strength and peace as you keep your granddaughter’s memory alive. Blessings to you! ♡

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  7. Loved the idea of nosocomial.
    Acquired. Unwanted. Adverse Reactions. Iatrogenic. Cascade prescribing.
    From 1992 until 2016 medical gas-lighting.

    The secret is to not buy into any diagnosis or diagnoses. Not even in acute and or crisis situations.

    Remember to ask for evidence of stated claims being made by so-called experts.

    Unless your blood tests, sputum tests, urine tests, poo tests, x-rays, CT scans, MRIs, Ultrasounds come back with highlighted red ink and a report to match.

    Where is the evidence?

    “Because I said so” is not exactly proof.

    The other thing to remember is that these experts and label pushers and drug pushers with legal rights to use coercive control are unlikely to have a conscience for anyone other than themselves and their own.

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    • Hi Vee,

      I’m so sorry you went through years of medical gaslighting too. But I’m so happy that you woke up to the truth.

      It’s so true! They protect themselves and their own. It should be an elementary principle in medicine that opinion alone is not evidence. Madness!

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  8. Raul, I’m so happy that you’re still with us! FYI – just finished reading “Unshrunk” by Laura Delano. A real eye opener and quite upsetting, infuriating and frustrating. The ego of these docs is mind boggling. Stay well and happy!

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    • Thank you, Sharon. Yes, Laura Delano is inspiring. I wish I could translate her to the local language here…more of a wishful thinking at this time than a real project, unfortunately. Too distracted even while she should be a priority to get the real story out there, to counteract the spellbinding of the profession.

      Just attempted to talk with one of those who never do anything wrong: all was/is my problem exclusively. So I responded my “problem” is there is a gang of robbers that went after my life. And that she is part of that gang. So it is over with that “communication”. The only way is to avoid that trap….weep for those who did not make it whose names I do not recall after those years who fell into the trap. And translate some Delano when opportunity comes. So that the trap is marked out.

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    • Hi Thomas, thank you so much for your very sweet and kind comment! I’m happy to hear that my story had a great impact on you and others. I’m glad I made the decision to speak about it publicly—I think many people can resonate with it. Take care.

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  10. This is so beautifully written! I resonate with this so much and it truly inspires me on a similar journey! I was successfully pressured by my psychiatrist and family to take antipsychotics and antidepressants for almost three years, becoming increasingly miserable in the process. After being forced to drop out of my dream college and abandon my studies (my rich parents took away the funding saying I was too chronically ill and incapable), I was finally desperate enough to try quitting the meds. My doctor told me I would SURELY end up involuntarily hospitalized within a few weeks tops, that my condition was CLEARLY CHRONIC and that I needed to be heavily medicated for the rest of my life. Six months in, I am my sharpest, happiest and healthiest self in years. I know I will most likely never get the possibility to study at my dream uni and pursue my dream career again, BUT HELL WITH THAT. I am going to find a way to live the most beautiful life that I always deserved regardless.

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  11. You made a prudent choice. RUN from psychiatry. I was in a similar situation 40 years ago, was one of the best student in the college (was recognized as such and offered additional study as “I had the capacity to do so”) still finished “magna cum laude” from the medical school in spite of the terrible interference from the drugging in the last years. BUT, unfortunately, my father, a psychologist, completely sold out to the psychiatry and their lies of “life-long” “illness” and “necessary life preserving drugging.” (It is like insulin for a diabetic – he was fixated on that lying metaphor) He was a major lever of forced compliance. Slowly, brain damaging treatments ate away my ability to function, I was forced to go to disability and was set up for life of failure. In due course this inevitably happened. By a twist of bad luck for a short time out of all people I dated a psychiatrist. Herself considerably unstable, I was shortly rejected among other things for “lack of ambition”. Which is very funny as – according to the records by my father – my failure in his eyes was I was “too ambitious”. But that was 10 years before. Thus the drugging destroyed ALL – including self-confidence and essential ambition to succeed in life.

    Please be VERY CAREFUL about any stressful situation in your life as you were already made much more fragile – once drugged. THEY MANUFACTURE BRAIN DAMAGE AND ‘CHEMICAL IMBALANCE”.

    What was the major trap? Cold turkey withdrawals – please avoid ! I knew about the brain damage due to drugging. Thus I DESPERATELY tried to stop at every occasion I could. Unfortunately, I did not take into account the cold turkey/”rebound psychosis”. Essentially you are as if put on a strong drug of the opposite effect when you suddenly discontinue a forced long term psycho drugging. THEY would never ever consider a withdrawal psychosis / which it was every single time I tried – within a week or two of sudden withdrawal – and declare the situation a result of “underlying life-long illness” that “decompensated” due to “withdrawal of “safe and effective” psychiatric “medication”. You act under influence as if taken a strong drug affecting your behavior in uncontrol able ways. You lose inhibitions. Shortly enough you end up committed, forced drugged with mega-doses and the merry-go-round of endless commitments goes one turn again. After those accumulate your reputation goes down the drain, you acquire an air of a drug addict.

    Lack of motivation – due to the drugging messing up with the dopamine reward-motivation system – is another part of the image. Hence you lack self-esteem, you are “no good”.

    What is most ridiculous about the whole monkey business described above in detail? I am now convinced I was never “mentally ill” in the first place. ALL can be fully explained and accounted for by brain damaging treatments of Psychiatry. No additional explanation needed. A “mental illness is completely unnecessary and superfluous —not even “explanation” …just billing code/label/abuse.

    If there is some – Jerry Marzinsky has a much better explanation AND working treatment: “autonomous energetic entities” /mace therapy.

    Take your life back. Consider thorough healing by comprehensive detoxification protocol (dr. Andrew Kaufman at brighteonuniversity.com runs today the last day of his free presentation – the full course today). Perhaps there is still path to healing even after the psychiatric drugging abuse.

    RUN – you made very prudent decision – and beware of hidden traps. GOOD LUCK AND HAVE A SUCCESSFUL LIFE. Consider it close call.

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    • Hi Raul,

      Thank you so much for your response to my story and for the resources. I’m truly sorry to hear about your experience as well.

      Yes, managing stress in psych med withdrawal has been important for me to keep an eye on. For the first year and a half or so of my recovery journey, even the slightest dopamine hit would spark violent reactions in my body. Thankfully, these have mostly calmed down. I am traveling to a foreign country for some time to be away from my past and spend time in nature, and this has helped tremendously to calm my heart and nervous system. My final psychiatrist failed to taper my antipsychotics properly… and this could have killed me! Still, through all the torment of my recovery, I continue to remind myself that I am doing much better than I would be if I were still on the drugs. Because of how hard I’ve worked, I’ve been able to fast-track a lot of the healing that, for many people as heavily overmedicated as I was, can take decades.

      I really do understand your pain and feel so sad that you’re still navigating this too. I wish you all the best on your journey.

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  13. I was struck by some of the parallels in our stories. I spent 14 years recovering from Iatrogenic illness, the worst of it anyway. But it probably started earlier with all vaxs given to me as a military brat. My civilians peers got maybe 3 or 4 and i got more than 50 injections. The military treats soldiers and dependents as guinea pigs. Looking back I see I had the same pathological mental states that we see in our teens and 20’s today who are getting 60-70 injections, effectively state mandated in order to attend public school.

    At 14 yo I developed severe depression with suicidal ideation. I had been given a 2 month prescription for a high dose of tetracycline for Acne! It is now known to be contraindicated for growing kids. That is why they call it medical Practice! They dont know what the F they are doing and are experimenting/practicing on us.

    It stunted my growth and caused candidiasis (yeast overgrowth) that went to the brain. I went the psych drug route for only 6 months. Fortunately my bro had clued me into nutrition so over the next 14 years I gradually pulled out of it, without any advice, no nutritionists or internet to guide me. The final step was doing several Vipassana meditation retreats (dhamma.org). I remember the exact moment when the cloud finally lifted completely!

    Meanwhile I was a straight A student in High School and played soccer for 4 years. Graduated and went to Cornell and got my BS in Computer Science (barely functioning). Welcome to the club! The bright side of all this is a passion for health. I became a homeopath so I can work with people not computers.

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    • Roger, I am sad to hear that you became a victim of iatrogenic illness as well. When I learned about some of the ways the system handles veterans and their experiences, it angered me. I can totally relate to being in survival mode during the Computer Science degree! I have also gone on a path of being on my computer less and around humans more. It’s much more natural. I have done some of my own medication practices in my cabin, but I haven’t heard of the Vipassana method. It looks interesting, and I’ll look more into it. I wish you the best on your continued recovery journey!

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