Stepping Into One’s Inner Radiant Space


It was in 2003, when I was 27 years old, that I had the most powerful experience of my life. After drinking a strong Chinese tea to treat my gastritis, due to constant pain derived from some problems in my childhood, I stopped sleeping and on the tenth day of almost no sleep, I had my first vision: white doves were flying in front of my window, in my nice and cosy apartment in Amsterdam, where I lived at that time, working in finances. The doves were beautiful and the world as I knew it was about to change. I sensed the unprecedented happiness, I felt full of light, and definitely in divine presence.

It was in that state of total euphoria that I landed in my first psychiatric hospital, and that was the start of my psychiatric tale. They struggled with the diagnoses (I tend to recover too quickly). It was either schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, both of the terms that inflict a terrible verdict on someone’s life. At the end they settled on “bipolar disorder.” The label stuck for a while, and I almost ended up as “disabled,” and the only thing which truly kept me alive was the absolute knowledge that, yes, the white doves were real, and yes, I am in constant dialogue with God.

It is hard to step out of the space of diagnoses because of the power it holds. The “doctor” who inflicted on you the awful label of “schizophrenia” or “bipolar” damages you because of the power he holds. The whole machine of medicalisation and of diagnoses is behind him, giving him the illusion of fake authority.

The psychiatric system is based in total fakeness, but because it is an institution supported by the Western governments, it is extremely hard to step out of its hold. The society started to take all their labels for granted, as if it means something, and should be taken seriously. Ordinary people, not understanding a single thing, start believing in such terms as “psychoses,” ”schizophrenia,” or ”personality disorder” and use it in their daily life in order to judge other people, who are usually already extremely damaged by some trauma in their lives, and then by the label provided by the psychiatrist, firmly putting the stigma on the person that “something is wrong with her/him.”

One needs to be extra smart in navigating the system. It doesn’t make sense to oppose your psychiatrist but it does make sense to outsmart the psychiatrist. I learned long ago the tactic of “nod” and “depart.” I nod to his proclamations and reassurances of my madness but then I depart and step back into my own power.

With a PhD and several other diplomas, I am smarter than any psychiatrist, and I can decide for myself what is madness and whether any diagnosis, written somewhere in someone’s notes, has any legitimacy. I read enough books and treatises to know that diagnoses are not based in any rigorous science, that most of their “medication” damages one instead of any proper healing, and that if one believes in one’s diagnosis, one is usually leading quite a miserable life.

How to step out of this damaging system into the healing space of light?

It starts with removing the label. If you ever believe in your diagnosis, you are giving the power to all those who don’t wish you well. Maybe you believe that your psychiatrist has your best interests at heart, maybe you believe that the diagnosis “helps” you to explain miseries in your life, but one day you need to wake up to its dangers. If you believe that you are “bipolar” even for a single day, you then believe in everything which comes with it.

Read the definition to understand what it means. It is written: bipolar disorder is a life-damaging illness, it is a chronic disease that can’t be healed but can be managed with the right medication. It is written: if you are bipolar you will probably die much earlier than everyone else. If you want to believe in all these things, then you are embracing your own death wish.

Wake up! Wake up to the fakeness of the label! Wake up one day and ask yourself a question: do I want to be chronically ill? Do I want to be considered as an outcast of the society for the rest of my life? Do I want to continue living a life based in misery, and die early and unhappy?

All “bipolar” people, but also those labelled with other damaging psychiatric labels are usually very light souls who have problems processing the current reality. Our current world, especially in the West, is devoid of true meaning. It is all based in believing that life is about posting constant selfies on Instagram, making more and more money (without thinking how to use it for greater good), Tinder love, and Facebook friendships and likes.

All those who struggle with accepting it as a meaningful life usually end up in some spiritual malaise, and then because of the fakeness of the whole system, where no real healing exists (apart from a few light workers), but suppression of seeing the truth, a quick diagnosis follows that inflicts even further damage on an already suffering soul.

Stepping out of the system is accepting that you are a light soul that is searching something more spiritual than a life based in material accumulations, fancy cars, and where a person’s character can be judged by the watch that he wears. If you are like me, you probably don’t notice the brands, and the watches, and you don’t understand anything in cars, because you are simply not interested.

But it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t strive for a better life, with the exception that you want something meaningful, next to a nice, comfortable house, a good car, and beautiful clothes. There is nothing wrong with wanting a better life, and a better car for that matter, but all these wishes are immediately denied to you if you accept your label. Because you start believing that something is wrong with you and that, as a result, you don’t deserve all the beautiful things that others possess, usually out of greed and unkindness to others.

Step out of that misery zone and reclaim back your power. You are probably tired and are giving up, you probably live on benefits, and claim a disability allowance. You can continue claiming all that, because, honestly, the system that inflicted on you the killing machine of a diagnosis owes you some compensation.

But while you are claiming all that, start also claiming your own inner radiance. It can start with something really simple, such as following an online course about how to improve your life. Or maybe you will follow a new vocational training, or start working for a couple of days in a café. After that, you can start exploring new things, and earn again your own money, meet the love of your life, move to a nicer house, buy a new car.

If you believe that you are chronically ill, you immediately deny yourself the right to live a happy, healthy life. It’s the diagnosis that makes you ill. Maybe you did have the mood swings, the ”doctor” is so happy to point out to you, maybe you did end up in what they call a “psychosis,” maybe you did “lose it” one day.

But maybe, your “mood swings” were your call to reach your own healing and change something radically about your life. Maybe your “psychoses” were a healing release from a terrible childhood, and maybe your “personality problems” are your way to process a mother who didn’t love you or a father or uncle who abused and betrayed you.

Step out of the system. You don’t have to proclaim it out and aloud for everyone to take note. Do it for yourself. It starts with you, not with proving to others that nothing is wrong with you. Let others, including the psychiatrists, continue leading their ordinary lives, embedded in fakeness, and denial of spirituality and any forms of magic. Let go of them. Don’t give them any power.

No psychiatrist has any power on me, because I don’t argue with them. I simply do my own thing. I ignore them. I decide on what I need as “medication,” if any, and I decide and not them, how I lead my life, and which dose of “medication” I might need at a certain point.  And I, obviously, don’t believe in psychiatric diagnoses.  But it doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in some science. I know, for instance, that some medication can work, in small doses, on certain occasions. It’s psychiatry as a system that doesn’t yet (or maybe never will) know how to deal with that stuff, because of being zombified in their own treatise of checks, diagnoses, issues, conditions.

All their reassurance that you are chronically ill are lies aimed to legitimise their power. Because if you believe in their words, you start believing in your illness.

But there is no illness, and there is no chronic illness as proposed by psychiatry. It is bullshit.

One can recover from THEIR illness, and one can lead a happy and meaningful life. The main thing is to believe, to believe that you do deserve a good life, and that you can be happy.

Step out of the system, take control of your own life and your beautiful soul, and step instead into your own radiant space.


Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.


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  1. Well heck Ekatarina, best article in a while.
    Love reading it and I hope a few “critical psychiatrists” read it as far as “reforming” that which is not reformable.

    It might not make sense to oppose a psychiatrist, but it does make sense to oppose psychiatry. And truly, the BS “diagnosis”, the harmful drugs need to be exposed and opposed, because many of it’s victims are children and teens that don’t know what up from down and have no concept of worldly things like dealing with stupid shrinks.
    No child can walk away and say “I don’t have a stupid label like ADHD”, or make choices of who to see, when to see them, or how much or if they want a drug.
    No child gets to pick their name, whether it’s john or ADHD.

    I hope every survivor starts a conversation out there with someone, anyone, no need to know them….just tell them about bullshit. They don’t need to believe you, but it’s a seed.

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    • But be cautious if you do that, because the psychologists and pastors may likely attack you. They don’t want their “dirty little secret of the two original educated professions’,” multi billion dollar, scientific fraud based, systemic child abuse covering up and profiteering, “mental health” industries’ gig to end. “It’s too profitable,” according to a Lutheran pediatrician.

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  2. I absolutely agree, Ekaterina. I never bought into my bipolar misdiagnosis either. Largely because they were telling me it was a “genetic” illness, and I knew I had no family history of such.

    But my experience was related to spirituality, too. And I agree, we do live in a much too materialistic world. I came to that conclusion long before my dealing with the “bullshit” of psychiatry.

    I just got back from helping my brother sell his apartment building and downsize, in Chicago. All over that city is graffiti that calls it out. “Fake culture.”

    I agree, it’s our culture, that is misguided. Not those of us who are critical of the corrupt systems and corporations.

    “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” And, unfortunately, that’s pretty much where we are all living. Although make no mistake, I do believe those of us who believe in the spiritual realm, and God, will win. So absolutely I agree in the importance of all of us maintaining hope.

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    • @SomeoneElse
      Terrible when they dare to tell you that it might be genetic, agree?
      You know, what really helped me? Listening to Marisa Peer on Mind Valley, she says ‘there is no such thing’.
      No, there is no genetic psychiatric disorder, apart from the mind of not very kind psychiatrist. And it is indeed genetic now, their power, and power they hold over us.

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  3. “But there is no illness, and there is no chronic illness as proposed by psychiatry. It is bullshit.
    One can recover from THEIR illness, and one can lead a happy and meaningful life. The main thing is to believe, to believe that you do deserve a good life, and that you can be happy.
    Step out of the system, take control of your own life and your beautiful soul, and step instead into your own radiant space.”

    Well said, absolute truth.

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      • I disagree, I believe that, once awakened to the fact that this is all bullshit, there is something from which to recover (some pretty serious betrayal, for starters) and I also believe one can recover from it, it is entirely possible. This is a trauma, and it can heal. This kind of healing is transformational, creates change from within.

        Identifying with a BS illness for too long creates something to the effect of it, simply from how we’re moving around in our skin with that belief, it drives us. And it creates relationships with others and our entire world based on this, so it accomodates this false reality. Undoing this challenges those around us, inevitably. Everyone’s world is rocked as we go through shifts in consciousness to change our reality and relationship to ourselves, for the better, based on a new self-validating truth, clearer boundaries, etc. I don’t think there’s any way around that, great personal growth here.

        Disidentifying is a start, but there is a lot of work to do, especially if we lived with this for too long, it internalizes. This is not an easy healing, challenges our beliefs. But I do believe it’s the path to well-being and feeling good about ourselves, taking back our power and allowing our true selves to shine through, after going through all of this totally marginalizing and dehumanizing stay-in-the-box bullshit, just like healing from any trauma is possible with focused intention. It’s how we free ourselves.

        I’m reiterating what I feel is the most powerful message here, to drive change from within, because I agree with Ekaterina, it comes down to what we believe about ourselves, this is what creates our life experience more than anything–

        “The main thing is to believe, to believe that you do deserve a good life, and that you can be happy.”

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      • I support your perspective wholeheartedly, exactly my experience, word for word. I spent 19 years living with diagnoses and psych drugs, and it’s been that same amount of time now, 19 years, with no drugs, away from diagnoses or anything of the kind, that is totally irrelevant at this point, and having nothing to do with “mental health” anything, other than to support radical change. I had a string of teachers for a while to help me heal from all that on a mind/body/spirit level while learning self-healing and all kinds of new perspectives, but I’m on my own now, having integrated and applied what I’ve been learning, with wonderful (indeed, miraculous) results, living by my own truth exclusively, my life, my space, my rules, my intuition, and creative freedom which I can own despite anything.

        For me it’s a totally new paradigm of living from 19 years of systematic healing and personal growth work, a new lifestyle now. Doing exactly what you say, practicing soul awareness and feeilng my own inner radiance, which I call, collectively, our light, spiritual voice, inner guidance, etc. Our soul is our guide, healer, teacher, and best friend. When we know our soul, there is no need to depend on others, that would be only by choice, not need. It’s how I took my power back.

        Your work is so authentic, and when I read your blogs I see you as creating your healing. I think that’s what we do, in the end, we create our own healing path, and that is based on who we are. It’s so personal and we’re all so unique, I see it as our signature in life, how we choose to create our paths forward.

        Mainly, I just wanted to echo what you say as reality. At least, it has been mine! We’re all just coming to understand what these things mean in the most practical way (soul growth, inner light, consciously creating) but I see it coming more and more into collective awareness, because we need this information now.

        I very much appreciate what you share, it is fresh and creative and filled with potential for new things, it is fertile new ground. I think we need more and more of this perspective, fully in the light. Finally, new avenues to explore, which means new thoughts, new visions, and new manifestations. We’ve only just begun, but it is the change I’ve envisioned for a while now, and which I practice in my own life. Thank you.

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          • Thank you Ekaterina for your message. I do believe it is about stepping into your own inner radiance. I agree with Alex that it is about the soul. The soul is where there is transcendent power. And I also would add that for me it wasn’t enough to have soul awareness but I needed to learn how to have soul embodiment.

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          • Thanks for the amendment, Diana, and yes, I agree that embodying the soul would be to live our spirit truth. These are feelings that drive us as guidance along our own path of evolution, rather than as emotional reaction to others filtered through our ego. I think it’s how we interpret our emotional responses that distinguishes between ego-driven vs. soul-inspired. This is how I’ve worked with it, in any event.

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  4. I support this article and can relate to it.

    But what if after all the childhood trauma, bullying, school punishment, and parental interpersonal and intrapersonal conflict, countless night terrors and repetitive nightmares, and hit in the head with a metal baseball bat; what if after the over use of nonrefined legal and black market drugs; what if after the slamming with major tranquilizers and eternal prescriptions and attitudes that abort your spirit and journey and turn you around in circles and make you jump through hoops; after countless misjudgments and mistakes; after progressively being suicidal after years of oppression of the al(most) heinous sort; what if then you feel like your brain-damaged and missing something? And that there is no light in the darkness anymore, even if it’s not the autonomous incarnation of the Holy Ghost that blessed your life in an earlier iteration of the Apocalypse? What then of saying ‘you (I) am not ill’? How can I reject and escape?

    Having said all that, I have had a very productive year despite the Virus Epoch. I look forward to each day and know that I should be proud of what I’ve done in the face of the nightmare, which I had experienced first in childhood—was it just nature or was it the family milieu? But, make no mistake….it was only ‘yesterday’ that death’s skeletal hand was touching me, and only a few ‘hours’ ago that I could feel that it’s hand was now receding from behind me. Physical AND mental illness can not only steal the smile off your face but also the skin off your skull. I know I don’t have to remind many readers of this. For now, mine is not ‘permanent’, but it appeared that way in various forms and at various times. Many did not or have not escaped. May they find relief in the ways they prefer. Preferably standing up and facing forward rather than slipping backward with their face caved in.

    Again, an inspiring article that was well-written and from lived experience. I salute you.

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  5. Great article! I can identify with much of it, such as being labeled some diagnosis(es). I no longer identify as my diagnoses. Currently living your recommendations such as online courses (especially during pandemic), work, and the goal to be totally self-supporting again.
    Family members and psychiatrists may see me mostly as that diagnosis/label, but as you said, the important thing is that we don’t accept the label. We are creative, talented persons.
    The whole psychiatric system/industry is NOT based on any medical science. Why do they require psychiatrists to go to medical school? They’re not really providing any medical treatment, just prescribing drugs or administering ECT, while not really sure how or why it works! What a waste of a medical degree!

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    • They go to school simply to learn language.
      And how to wield power. The power part is literally drummed into them
      but is done by shaming. The students have been psychologically overtaken by the time
      they enter practice. And I think that develops some type of hatred towards those who
      they see as weak. They were not allowed to be weak. When they felt like quitting, ‘
      their honor was at stake. Perhaps it’s simply a mindstate of the shrink,”If I can’t be weak, you can’t either”
      Their honor is still at stake, on a personal and field level. It is the practice that has to keep reinventing itself always on the defense.

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