It’s 1991. The internet is available for commercial use and the number of computers on the net reaches 1 million. The ice covering the Arctic has decreased by two percent in the last 10 years. And I’m pregnant!
I’m in love with my husband and over the moon about the family we are about to create—gotta love those hormones! I have nothing left but to get my baby birthed and enjoy the fruits of my labor (pun intended!).
Fast forward to bringing our little nugget home from the hospital. In just a matter of days of adjusting to “life with baby,” I started waking up in the middle of the night hyperventilating and in a physical state of complete panic. I felt intense fear. I was trembling, sweating, and crying.
Hey! This was decidedly different from the hormonal glow of pregnancy. That was clearly over, and a demon had invaded my body.
It took several hours each night to get back to sleep with hugs and lots of patience from my husband. Amazingly, the baby was sleeping six hours a night. I feared I would never feel normal again as the out-of-body state I was in at night invaded my waking hours.
My OB-GYN identified the cause of my acute anxiety as the abrupt changes in my hormones after childbirth. Simple! Six months on the medication, and I’d be good as new! Yes. Oh yes. I needed relief from this nightmare. Let the fairy tale new mother emerge; she must be in here somewhere!
When my OB-GYB referred me to a psychiatrist for postpartum symptoms, I admit it gave me a slight pause. Why a psychiatrist? I had plenty of experience at the feet of Big Pharma because psychiatry and psychiatric drugs regularly figured in my family life growing up.
In the late ’50s, early ’60s, Big Pharma had been powerful for over a century already in the U.S. My mother was a card-carrying member of the Mother’s Little Helper Club. While she seemed to resent her psychiatrist, she continued to be a patient with an intimate relationship with psychiatric medications until her death. I was effectively groomed to turn to pills at a young age and was never taught any coping skills besides swallowing pills.
Today, major depression is the fourth-ranked cause of disability and premature death in the United States. Women are diagnosed approximately twice as much as men, and it is acknowledged to be our hormones commencing with our menses and ending with menopause that are responsible for this high number.
The lack of appropriate research and development to bring hormonal treatment to market is due to the easy and big money Big Pharma makes on treating women’s hormones with antidepressants and anxiolytics without spending a dime on research and development. It adds a nice little market niche, doesn’t it?
I remember my first appointment in 1991 with the psychopharmacologist (a relatively new designation then) recommended by my OB-GYN. Sitting in his office on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, I described the panic-level anxiety that now accompanied me day and night—panic in the true physiological sense with all its accompanying symptoms revving up my thoughts and actions.
The rush of adrenaline, elevated heart rate, the amygdala taking over, and my central nervous system keyed up as if my life and my new son’s life were in danger, and I could do nothing to stop it. It was an utter nightmare.
And the truth of my situation was utterly incongruent to what I was feeling. I had a large and able support system, all willing to provide help, including my psychotherapist. Still, I didn’t believe anything except my bigger-than-life panic.
With approximately 4 million live births occurring each year in the United States, about 600,000 women receive postpartum depression diagnoses annually. This number excludes miscarriages or stillbirths where postpartum depression symptoms occurred, and those unreported or undiagnosed, so the number is likely larger.
Why is the first line of treatment still antidepressants 30 years later? It’s simple. Why bother researching new safe treatments when you can make millions off a product already on the market that women already take more than men by 50%?
Because of my family history with psychiatry, I was not unfamiliar with the psychiatrist’s office. So, my appointment with the psychopharmacologist in 1991 was not the first time I’d sat before one, and it wouldn’t be my last by a long shot. But I was naive and uneducated about the medication I was taking, just the way Big Pharma likes us.
The United States track record with women and psychiatry is paternalism at its worst, and we have generations of trauma to overcome. Think of Elizabeth Packard, whose husband committed her to an insane asylum just over 160 years ago for having her own opinion about religion different than her husband’s. A church pastor the one corroborating witness that she was insane, she fought her entire life to change that inhumane system.
The psychiatrist responded so compassionately to my story, something I desperately needed. He said, “It sounds like you are badly in need of some relief.” Those simple words meant the world to me. Suddenly, I felt like what I was feeling was okay, and I wasn’t a bad mother because of it. I just needed relief: prescription relief. Thus began my dubious membership with the Mental Health Industrial Complex. Huzzah!
I noticed a reduction in anxiety within a few weeks after starting clonazepam, and my desire to remain mentally healthy grew. I began to see the anxiety as a thing of the past and enjoyed outings with my son to Mommy and Me classes and made new friends.
I used the clonazepam on an as-needed basis. This seemed to me to be great progress! At about 12 weeks postpartum with my hormones still fluctuating, I returned to work. I continued to be anxiety-free with the help of clonazepam, if occasionally emotional.
One day my monthly psychiatric review coincided with an upsetting situation at work, and I did a good bit of crying about it during my appointment. He listened intently, compassionately, as I shared my day. At the end of our session, he suggested adding a different medication to address broader symptoms, such as those I experienced at work.
The psychiatrist’s job was not to help me adjust to being a new mom by providing coping strategies and ways to process normal feelings. His job was to identify what pill would eliminate them. Feeling weepy? Try antidepressants. I was still hesitant, but my early experience with clonazepam was successful. Why not address my emotional ups and downs, too?
I left with a script for Zoloft and clonazepam as needed. I was successfully upsold. Now I was taking two psychiatric medications I knew nothing about. I didn’t start reading inserts until I experienced withdrawal on my first attempt at stopping the medication to have a second child.
We kicked off our decision to have a second child with a family vacation with our two-year-old, and I stopped my medication. We found a cute little efficiency apartment near the beach and set ourselves up for a week of fun and sun.
It didn’t take long before I had very negative thoughts and feelings that I seemed to have little control over. I couldn’t stop myself from finding fault in everything and questioning why we were even there. It made the entire week extremely unpleasant and continued when we arrived home.
I was pretty sure it was from stopping my medication because these were not my original symptoms (remember postpartum anxiety?). I discussed this with my psychiatrist. He identified my experience as returning symptoms of depression and recommended we find a safe medication to remain on throughout my pregnancy.
This trope is a familiar response of psychiatrists heard worldwide by patients, and likely provided by the pharmaceutical companies. The result is that most of us go back on the medication rather than feel debilitated or being unable to work. And that is great for the pharmaceutical companies. They’ve got a solution to postpartum depression that generates dependencies and profits. But, in that blink of an eye I morphed from a postpartum anxiety sufferer to a depression sufferer and the label sticks to this day.
Two years into taking antidepressants, I was told by a psychiatrist that I wasn’t getting off them any time soon. “It’s time to face the facts,” he said. I would be on the medication for the rest of my life. Why feel negative about it? It’s like taking insulin for diabetes!
My psychiatrist provided me with a study on one of the older antidepressants that indicated it was safe during pregnancy. While I still held the belief that what I experienced was not symptoms of depression, I agreed. I certainly wasn’t willing to go through what I can only describe as psychotic-like experiences again.
I understood the implications that I would likely never get off the medication, but I kept scouring books and the internet looking for validation of what I had experienced. Why did I feel so horrible and experience symptoms unlike anything I’d experienced before?
If I count the Valium my mother began to give to me for anything from stomach pains to teen angst, as an adolescent into my twenties, I have been taking psychiatric medications marketed specifically to women for almost my entire life.
In the meantime, while disorders were “identified” and the DSM grew, medical justification for our ever-growing list of seemingly arbitrary disorders grew; the latest, the DSM 5, being criticized for dubious practices when including or excluding disorders. Imbalanced brain chemistry was peddled as gospel and psychiatrists morphed into prescribing machines.
The fact that I was taking antidepressants regularly for postpartum depression never sat well with me. Surely, years after having my baby, I’m no longer experiencing postpartum symptoms. Something in my gut felt it didn’t add up. Still, I couldn’t deny things were going well—until they weren’t.
I began to experience strange electrical shocks on my back and muscle tics in my legs and torso that become noticeable to people at work. On my first stop, I asked my psychiatrist about these symptoms because I had begun reading and knew they were not uncommon side effects.
His quip: “You may have an underlying neurological condition that the medication unmasked, but there is nothing you are taking that would cause what you are describing.” Second stop: the neurologist and tests. Results: negative. “I see nothing to cause what you are describing, but if you think it’s the antidepressant, then stop them.” Another quip, this time with a smirk.
I made an appointment with a psychotherapist to discuss getting her support to get off the medication. I told her I wanted to stop my medication, I didn’t like the side effects, and I wasn’t depressed. Her reply came in a flash of superiority. Why would I want to get off medication that was helping me? The insulin analogy again, and this—that none of her patients who tried to get off medication could because they all ended up having symptoms reappear and had to get back on. Sure, she said. She’d help me. But she could predict for me that I would end up right back on them like her other patients who tried to stop them. I declined to make another appointment.
Studies show my OB-GYN was correct. Most postpartum depression symptoms resolve within three to six months and are caused by a drop in progesterone. Why was I kept on a steady diet of antidepressants when my hormones were likely back to normal? Why were symptoms of depression returning when that was not my original diagnosis? My psychiatrist practically shrugged as if depression was a foregone conclusion. But I kept holding on to hope.
After my first attempt to get off them went so oddly, I discovered a book by a psychiatrist who, contrary to my psychiatrist and most others, had begun to question why his patients were unable to cease taking antidepressants when they wished to stop. He didn’t get the memo from Big Pharma or had a penchant for thinking for himself.
He described case after case of patients who took months to years to feel better after stopping. The reference notes that he provided suggested that psychiatric medication alters the brain. It doesn’t fix the mythical chemical imbalance, nor is it indicated for long-term use. Additionally, it causes problematic side effects and withdrawal symptoms. And Big Pharma knew it then, and they know it now.
Big Pharma has been systematically downplaying this vital information, benefiting from advertising to consumers, physicians, and other practitioners the wonderful effects of psychiatric drugs. Now I understand how they are willing to negate our human dignity for the almighty dollar.
I have experienced possibly permanent side effects from the medication that are embarrassing and could get progressively worse. And I have tried to stop the medication numerous times, only to be told I need a higher dose of antidepressants, an additional antidepressant, or an antipsychotic.
In 2017, after trying to stop again I learned that my dosage decreases needed to be much smaller. But I suffered for at least a year and then some with horrific and protracted withdrawal symptoms such as acute anxiety that started with the first light and accompanied me throughout my day, along with numbness in my hands and arms, paresthesia, and tardive dyskinesia.
It all became too much for me and I thought about suicide most of the time to end how horrible I felt, although I did not want to end my life. I knew no other way to feel better.
Our mental health system is deeply flawed. It lines the pockets of executives and shareholders and has wholly neglected the person taking its medications. It is paternalistic, medicalizing our emotions and misinforming us about psychiatric medication’s side effects. This is reckless and dangerous.
Patients should demand informed consent, referrals for appropriate physicals to rule out underlying causes for depression, a periodic evaluation of diagnoses with their physician or psychiatrist, plus education and access to alternative modalities.
Did I mention my first child is turning 30? In those almost 30 years, I have been unable to stop taking the psychiatric medicines that I should not have continued after at most a year.
The day I filled that prescription back in 1991 was when my postpartum anxiety diagnosis became subsumed by an arbitrary diagnosis of depression. And this diagnosis has followed me for 30 years and counting.
For now, I have a psychiatrist who is willing to help me reduce or eliminate the medications I have wanted to get off for a long, long time. I feel fortunate because such practitioners are few and far between. Yet, I can tell you: It will not be easy. I may not be able to completely get off all these medications because of how they adversely affect the central nervous system. But it is my journey to make.
Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.
You were likely high in serum copper and low in zinc, a common feature at the end of pregnancies. Psychiatrists aren’t going to tell you this because you’re chances of making them money will become limited, at best, should it be true. Zinc, B6, C and B-complex aren’t going to finance those MD vacation trips by themselves.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’ve never heard of it being related to mineral deficiency. That’s a big wow! I’ll have to look into that. Thanks for sharing -A
Thank you for sharing your experiences Antonia. I ended up being on three psychotropic meds. I stopped cold-turkey on the most debilitating one after my M.D. made an offhand comment that it was “nothing more than a sedative.” Big mistake as I ended up with protracted withdrawal symptoms – but I began to “wake up” again and feel emotions for the first time in years. I got off the second one slowly.
I am now taking myself off the last (clonazapem) and have been using melatonin as an aid after reading an article on PubMed Central that recommended further research for its use in withdrawal from benzos. This one is a particularly difficult benzo to get off. It has taken me more than a year to cut down from .5 mg to .25 mg and I just reduced again. But each time I leveled out from a reduction I felt a deep sense of my old self (before the meds) returning.
Don’t give up! It is worth it! And the long term consequences are devastating. I’m leaving a link for you and anyone else interested where people tell of their experiences withdrawing from this. It really helped me not only because of the encouraging comments but also because I learned that the physical symptoms that were scaring me were just my body’s response to the withdrawal and not some unrelated medical problem. So now, when I reduce I know these symptoms will hit for about a week and then dissipate.
Oh! Also, Dr. Peter Breggin, a renowned anti-psychotropic meds psychiatrist who has testified in court trials across the globe and who has been referred to as “the conscience of psychiatry,” has written some excellent books — one specifically on withdrawal from psychotropic meds.
Best of luck to you my fellow traveler!!
We must use caution. Extremely educated and kind people can be wrong.
Every taper method, medical or peer to peer, is application of some external standard as in “reduce by this number”. “If that causes harm, just do it less often as in putting more time between “cuts”. Does this make sense to anyone? If the order is harmful, it will be harmful again weeks later.
One of the doctors mentioned, in his book, wrote: find your cut by naming the number of days that you will taper and divide your current dosage by that number”. The body will not adjust to these arbitrary dosages, and haven’t we learned this by actual experience? Naming the number is days is not empirical in any sense. The out of fashion “water-titration” failed partly because it was arbitrary and now one of these doctors just made that same error. Should we follow a doctor’s fame or scientific method?
I agree! Every one of us experiences it differently and our needs during tapering are varied. Never one-size-fits all!
Thank you, Mad as Hell! I am so happy you are here and read my story. We all need one another, that is for sure. Many of us survive only because of the support.
Another well-articulated and important addition to the personal stories of unnecessary and significant harm done by psychiatric drugs. The key take-away: Don’t start! It’s a slippery slope that’s super hard to climb your way out of, and often leaves devastating damage in its wake. Let’s shout it from the rooftops: Don’t start! Thank you for sharing, Antonia.
Thank you, Susan! And. . .agreed! Don’t start. That is my mission. To tell my story and others’ stories to bring to light the myriad ways lives can be upended by a visit to a psychiatrist. And if you are in that world, challenge authority. Question your psychiatrist or general practitioner, and do it armed with facts. -A
My suggestion is to work with a good Ayurvedic practitioner or herbal practitioner as well, or find a doctor who knows about herbs. I use Ayurvedic herbs for the mind and I have found them extremely helpful. There are so many for anxiety and depression, Jatamansi is a good one for nervous system support, as well as brahmi, gotu kola, and many more. There is a good Ayurvedic pharmacy in Kerala, Kottakal, that makes many of these Ayurvedic formulations, and they don’t have side effects like pharmaceuticals. I also had a similar experience to yours, except in my case, I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t have much support and we had many things going on in addition to the newborn. My husband thought I was going crazy and a friend shoved psychiatric medicine down my throat. I’ll spare you the other horrible details. Because of my knowledge of Ayurveda, I was able to get back in balance. I still have sleep difficulties, and have, for a long time, but there are many herbs which work far better than any big pharma drugs out there. It’s a shame there aren’t more qualified people who understand female hormones and post partum issues. Susan Weed in the Catskills and Rosemary Gladstar are some herbalists who know a lot about these issues, but finding the right resources at the right time is difficult. There’s also a good doctor in Yonkers, at the Ayurvedic clinic there. I recommend him. Dr. Chauhan. Or Pratima Raichur in NYC. Best of luck getting off the meds and I hope you find the support you need in your journey.
Thank you so much for reading my story and sharing a bit of yours! I truly appreciate your suggestions. We are not as alone as we feel ❤️ -A
Thank You Antonia,
I have an awful lot of identification with your drug withdrawal experience. It’s only very recently that Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal has been taken seriously. Prior to this it was left to Psychiatrists to promote what they liked.
Paternalism might be a lenient way for describing things.
I would wonder what people did about “Post Partum Anxiety” before Psychiatry and Psychiatric Drugs became available? I mean it must have been part of Real Life.
I so appreciate your reading and commenting on my story! I’m sorry you can identify with my story, but I am not surprised! I have wondered myself what women did before we lost control of our bodies. I would assume we we stepped in to support one another when needed. Who else would?
Dear Antonia; I’m so sorry to read your story full of misery by not being able to stop the antidepressants.
It means an encouragment to me to point out to gynaecologists and midwifes the importance of informed consent and the fact that this kind of hormone-dependent disorders are basicly temporary and so the need for medication is.
I hope you’ll succeed tapering your medication! It’s very important to do it as slow as needed!
As a dutch patients association for coming off psycotropic meds in a safe way we are very happy with taperingstrips http://www.taperingstrip.org
Kind regards, Pauline Dinkelberg
Thank you for your comments and support. Yes, informed consent is vital! And tapering strips sound like a miracle to me! -A
Thank you so much for your comments and support. Yes, informed consent is vital! And tapering strips sound like a miracle to me!
Antonia, thank you for speaking the truth, and sharing your story. I’m one of the – seemingly millions – who had the common odd and withdrawal effects of an antidepressant (given under the disingenuous guise, in my case, as a “safe smoking cessation med”) misdiagnosed as “bipolar.” Resulting in a whole bunch of medically unneeded – and undesired – anticholinergic toxidrome poisonings.
If I can survive antidepressant withdrawal, and the resulting insane and inappropriate maltreatment of that misdiagnosis as “bipolar” … and then survive the insanity of the withdrawal from a bunch of antipsychotics. And I did. Please always maintain hope and faith that you, too, can survive withdrawal from an antidepressant.
I guess my advice is to go slow. Once my psychiatrist finally figured out that I’d likely been misdiagnosed by my – medically untrained – psychologist, after 9 months. And I had stopped seeing that lying – what turned out to be child abuse covering up – psychologist. It did take my psychiatrist another 2 3/4 more years to wean me off his neurotoxins.
Not so much because he was wise, but instead because his anticholinergic toxidrome poisonings made me “hyperactive.” Thus I’d become one of the “supermoms” in my neighborhood, and we had a hard time fitting appointments into both our busy schedules.
I’ve read tapering strips are helpful in safely weaning people from the antidepressants. And I’m sure you know to research into the writings of all the ethical “mental health professionals” and researchers; like Peter Breggin, Will Hall, John Read, Joanna Moncrieff, et al, and – of course – Robert Whitaker.
God bless you on your healing journey, and know you can do it! It just may take some time and patience.
Thank you for reading and commenting oxox and sharing a bit about your experiences. Yes. We’ll end it one personal a time. ❤️
We all die with the labels given. Thanks to the “anti stigma” psychiatry.
Glad you got your article out, because all I care about is educating even one or two people so they will never fall into the trap of psych and their goodies.
Psychiatry is a cult, nothing clinical or medical about it.
“mental health” has become the cult to replace other cults or exist together.
It’s not important to change the world. It is important to keep just one person away from the mental industry.
You cannot change cult thinking overnight. It just kind of weakens, then something else fills its shoes.
“You cannot change cult thinking overnight. It just kind of weakens, then someone else fills its shoes”
You have just recounted the history of a psychiatry in a nutshell. It went from from spinning chairs and ice cold baths to insulin coma and lobotomy and from there to a metallic salts and renal failure and five generations of drugs that all did their damage and were silently withdrawn only for others equally damaging to be introduced. No one who shouts “this doesn’t work” is really taken seriously particularly if they are a psychiatric patient. It was ‘mental health day’ yesterday and there was plethora of ‘reach out to services for support’ shite all over the media.
I am sure that many women go through variations of what is recounted in this depressing story of a person who was caught up in that system (because there was nothing else on offer). But all I read or hear (where I am from) is “My life was saved by x and x psychiatric facility” and “I got better when I found the right meds”. These are the voices that are getting the air and print time.
Yes, even a CNN news anchor claims SSRIs changed his life on the evening news. Drove me wild.
Hi Sam, interesting critique, calling MH a cult. I won’t argue. Similar to the cult of personality. Thank you for reading and commenting !!
Sam said:”Psychiatry is a cult, nothing clinical or medical about it” , and he is so clearly correct.
I’d say that mental adjustments are connected to medicine only because some of those subscribing to the mental health mythology can legally prescribe drugs. There is the myth, here are the drugs that address that myth.
Can anyone help me with a question about drug urine and blood tests? Does it test how long you’ve taken it? If I took it for 3 days before the test would they know that?
I’m sorry – I have no experience with it.
Blood and urine tests will indicate the presence of not yet metabolized drugs and metabolites of these drugs. No test will reveal how long the drug has been used. You didn’t ask, but no medical test can determine whether or not you are in a withdrawal state. If one value is out of range, the test still can’t tell you why this is out of range.
Thank you for this excellent article. I have recently published my memoir Blue Remembered Sky in which I examine my father’s role both as a psychiatrist and as an abusive father who diagnosed my feelings as symptoms of mental illness, and subjected me and my younger brother to a regime of medication and hospitalisation. After the birth of my first child, I was encouraged to take anti-depressants and did so, half-heartedly, during the first year of my daughter’s life. I successfully weaned myself off the pills after taking them for 6 months. When my daughter was 18 months old, I took her with me to scatter my father’s ashes in Zimbabwe, where I grew up. When I returned to the UK, I fell ill. My GP diagnosed me as suffering from post-natal depression again, when, in fact, I was ill with malaria. If I had believed him, and not insisted on a blood test, I may not have lived to write my book! Paternalism within psychiatry and the medical profession is dangerous for women. It’s so important to tell our stories so that more people learn about the dangers and speak out. Thank you Antonia – I hope that you are able to wean yourself off the medication. I have occasional bodily withdrawal symptoms but now I know what they are, they in no way affect my daily enjoyment of life nor my ability to sleep well. Admittedly this has involved sleeping on my own, away from my husband but it is a small price to pay for the peace that I’ve found in having my own safe space in which to settle down at night. Being a well-functioning woman is something I treasure every day!
Thank you for your excellent response! It is no wonder that women are always more in danger of being abused. We have been over the centuries. Now we have more ways to speak out. Together we can stand up for ourselves and support each other. It is no wonder that psychiatry can control us very easily when the public is also controlled as easily by the established media. Congrats to all the women who have been abused by psychiatry and are still standing! I remember all those who were lost to psychiatry especially my good friend Helena who passed away about 15 years ago. A short time before she died she said ” I am lost to psychiatry” on Irish TV.
Thank you! Your comment speaks to the heart of my critique. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I have no intention of staying under the spell of the Psych Industry. It has taken many years to find the right resources and understand how women’s socialization and our reproductive capabilities have made us an easy target for Big Pharma. Now I have the capability and knowledge to stop safely!
Congratulations Antonia for sharing your important story! So many women who have hospital births can be misunderstood. I was one also. I was on several psychotropic drugs for many decades without informed consent. I do not call these drugs medication because mostly they do more harm than good. We should expect medicine to do much more good than harm. In 2000 I was fortunate to become drug-free. I too was told I needed them for the rest of my life when the drugs in fact were doing me very serious harm. It can be difficult to get free from these drugs as there is so little help available globally to do so. But for me, the last 21 years have been brilliant because I got a chance to be the real ME! I wish you all the best on the rest of your life’s journey! http://www.mindfreedomireland.com
Thank you for reading and for your comment! Congratulations on the last 21 brilliant years! I’m looking forward to that also.
Antonia, I was able to listen to your podcast with Tara Bixby. You speak eloquently about the depredations of over-medicalizing psychiatric practices. As you say, doctors need to listen more to their patients and not dismiss outright their reports of adverse side effects. Medical gaslighting is a very real problem.
I also learned from your podcast a few things about being a woman, things men can only learn by listening and feel wiser for it.
On a technical note, your link above requires a more updated browser than my PC can download, which is unfortunate. My computer is an artefact of the past (like its owner).
I laud your initiative to try and get more stories out there about the experiences of people with the panoply of medications that are so liberally prescribed today. Making these stories accessible on line would go a long way to ending the isolation many people feel. And of course inform people.