My extended family grew up during the Depression, World War II and the beginnings of the Cold War 1950’s. My parents were products of this era but through the choice my father made in joining the Army, they were exposed to alternate ways of being. Dad’s family was rife with untreated mental illness while my mother’s fraternal side produced alcoholism. Neither family had the wherewithal to climb out of that paradigm even if help had been readily available for those living in abject poverty on the edge of the Everglades in south Florida.
In 1960, as soon as my parents moved to the San Francisco area so Dad could work at Fort Ord, Mom sought emotional health care. As rudimentary as it was with early psychiatric drugs and talk therapy, it was a shift away from the world she grew up in. Dad worked out his mental issues through work and attempting to prove to himself he was not as crazy as his parents and siblings had always insisted.
Fast forward to the late 1970’s where I, as the oldest child of three, began my indoctrination into the family curse. With the advent of puberty, isolation and mood swings became my constant companions. Introverted as I was, I could still be outgoing enough to make at least superficial friends at school. Moving every eighteen months with the Army made deeper connections impossible. My symptoms were passed over and put down to the shifting of environments and trying to fit in at each new place.
My life took a turn from moving around with my dad’s career to relocating due to my first husband’s job transfers with a construction company. Again my disruptive behavior was overlooked and excused by myself along with the parade of new acquaintances around me at each location. I saw no reason to be alarmed as I had always been this way and many times my hypomanic state helped me get things done. The depression I experienced was “cured” when boxes were needing to be packed for the next stop in my mutable existence.
After a divorce where I was left high and dry with no home, no job and no husband, I ended up back home with my parents. I trained as a nurse at a business college in their Accelerated Medical Assistant program. I flourished in a hypomania land for those seven months and then graduated with honors. I got a job right away with a podiatrist and once the new wore off, promptly fell into a depression until the next wave of change occurred when I moved into an apartment on my own. I had never lived by myself before, so all the years of suppressing whatever hurt and trauma I had accumulated caught up with me. For six months I worked then came home to ruminate and cry each night.
After working at this job for a year, I realized I needed more money to purchase a better car. My dad helped me join a Navy Reserve program where I didn’t have to go through Basic Training or a school since I had a nursing diploma instead. This lifted me from the aftermath of my recent depression. It also put me squarely in the middle of a potential war with Desert Shield and later the reality of it with Desert Storm. In the midst of this, I fell in love with a former patient who was raising his seven-year-old son. We married before the new year and waited to see if I would be deployed. A quick altercation in the Middle East made all the worry and planning moot. Depression came calling now that the possibility of change had been removed.
My daughter was born in 1993, and true to my ancestors, I developed gynecological problems as each female on my mom’s side had in their turn. In 1996 I had a hysterectomy, and by 1998 I finally succumbed to psychiatric care, including medication and talk therapy. If not for my mother’s example, I might have drifted along, suffering as my extended family had done. Instead, I began a new type of suffering, and this was only the beginning.
Shortly after starting the first of many, many psychiatric medications, my blood pressure began to rise, causing me to be prescribed a diuretic. I noticed chest pain that wasn’t there before. It was severe enough at one point to put me in the hospital for three days and receive a heart catheterization. Several relatives had succumbed to heart attacks or needed bypass surgery in the past. Knowing family history can be a blessing and a curse. Everything checked out fine, and I was fine as far as my heart was concerned. But by 2000, my symptoms were so disruptive that I had to abandon my nursing career of ten years.
My husband’s insurance changed several times over the years due to union contracts being re-negotiated. Our benefits steadily declined so there was never any continuity with my care except that prescription drugs were always covered. One insurance needed a pre-certification for every three visits to my psychologist. Another gave me twelve visits per annum when I went every week the prior year. Again coverage was changed, and I had to speak with a therapist on the phone to get care. All this time the drugs were prescribed, filled and taken though I never made it to a “therapeutic” dose according to the standards they were shooting for.
My first hospitalization was in 2002 when I had been crying steadily for a week and considering taking a handful of those prescribed pills and not waking up. Mom called and offered to take me to the hospital. I was there for six days on a locked floor where I was given the diagnosis of bipolar and a new medication and sent home. The Pendulum Group met at that hospital, so I attended this support community for bipolar patients each month. I was back in the hospital six months later, the second in a total of four inpatient stays.
After beginning school, my daughter began showing signs of a childhood mood disorder. She then started her trials of medications and doctor visits. Our life revolved around drug schedules, lists of items to talk about with our therapists, my constant spending, her rages, and disability filings, all while my husband and her father grew ever distant as his work schedule increased. My stepson’s behavior was increasingly erratic and abusive toward me until he married and moved out of the house. Oddly enough, our stepmother/stepson relationship improved after that event.
The ever-present prescriptions were adjusted, discarded, changed to new “improved” ones and the cycle continued. I took baby doses, to the frustration of my doctors. At times, even these small quantities proved too much for me, leaving me forgetful of appointments or how to operate the toaster. Other drugs induced stronger reactions such as rashes, headaches, and one medication left me catatonic. I was still sitting in the same chair nine hours after my husband left me for work that morning. I don’t remember that day and would not even know that much if he had not told me.
With the help of a hospital advocate I convinced my insurance to allow me to take a class in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. This class was my turning point. I don’t remember much about the modules they taught, but the facilitator told us that first day that the basis for the class was grounded in eastern thought. Intrigued, I began researching this subject. My world started its shift that day. From just those two words being spoken, I realized I might not have to be this way forever — medicated and worthless to everyone around me.
I found ways to help myself that did not need an insurance company’s approval. I did yoga and qigong using VHS tapes, read books on healing the body and mind, learned to meditate using guided visualizations on CDs and sought out holistic practitioners to help me in my quest to be well. One of my more useful purchases, when I was at my worst, was a CD soundtrack that used binaural beats embedded in nature sounds and ringing Tibetan bowls. I had been listening to this CD every day for about three months when my therapist asked me what I was doing that was different. I mentioned the CD. She said she could tell the difference in my speaking and the calm demeanor I now had. I vowed to continue.
My daughter was beginning high school, so I started attending an online metaphysical college to learn more in depth about the holistic subjects that were helping me feel better. Whatever I discovered I shared with my daughter when she was amenable to the idea. We both saw improvement, though slowly at first. The medications I was taking numbered at around ten when I was at my worst. Almost half of those were for the psychiatric disorder with the rest intended to mitigate the side effects of the other. As I learned and implemented the holistic strategies, my medications decreased in number and in milligrams.
By 2011, I was taking an antidepressant, an anti-anxiety pill and one for sleep. My blood pressure was still high, I suffered from migraines, had gained 100 lbs since 1998 and had sleep apnea, all of which needed a drug or expensive equipment to regulate. I felt ready to get off the remaining psychiatric medications. I did not feel comfortable asking my psychiatrist to help me with that goal as he was reluctant to discontinue previous drugs I was on. I researched again and found The Road Back Program online. The program gave me a step-by-step way to taper off each type of drug and access to the supplements that would allow me to do that as smoothly as possible. I previously had a helluva time switching from one antidepressant to another, with severe withdrawal symptoms of headaches, destructive behavior, insomnia and skin-crawling sensations. I wanted to avoid that at all costs. With the help of the program instructions and the supplements taken to the letter, I was finally off the psych meds in seven months. Then my issue was feeling my emotions again without thinking I was still sick.
After three years to get used to having a healthy emotional life, I began working on my physical issues. I used many of the same methods that worked so well on my mental health for my body. I changed my diet to be gluten and caffeine free and immediately shed 40 lbs. I was able to reduce and then discontinue the blood-pressure meds with ceasing the diuretic a year ago. The migraines stopped when I began a regimen of magnesium and B6 each day. It remains for me to shed another 50 lbs and I still use a CPAP machine for the apnea. The long-term effects of the diuretic have left me with kidney issues and there are memories from during the time when I was heavily medicated that just aren’t there. My family is supportive of my efforts though they sometimes feel confused as to my methods. But at this point, they truly can’t argue with the results I have achieved.
October 2018 will be seven years out of a psychiatrist’s care. I have continued my education in holistic practices and earned a Doctorate in Metaphysics. The discovery of myself and why this episode that took up the beginnings of my life happened to me is an evolving truth. It was hell to live through, but I am a better person for the experience. I am over the anger at the psychiatric system and am grateful for the increased empathy I feel for people. After a lot of inner work, I now enjoy deep connections with my husband, children, and grandchildren. I even have a few close friendships that have nurtured me through this journey. I am able to handle an emotional range that does not scare me or cause a panic attack that sends me to the ER. I have had speaking engagements where colleagues are surprised at what I have been through.
The world calls what was “wrong” with me “bipolar.” I prefer the notion that I went through a birth process to become the healer that I am today. I have had people tell me to be silent about my experiences if I wanted to get ahead in this world. I can’t be silent. I can’t because I know there are people like I was who are trapped and may not realize it yet. When they begin to see the prison bars that surround them, I want to be there for them as others were for me.
Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your experiences are all too common for people who find themselves in the system. Getting off pills can be a terrible and difficult process. I am glad to hear you found some healing.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my story and for your kind words.
Congratulations on getting better Catherine!
I am enjoying my new life, Rachel777! Thank you. 🙂
You certainly have been through a lot Catherine. I am glad to hear you are in such a good place now and enjoying life. I am still reeling from the injustices inflicted by a psychiatrist during a time I was enduring cancer treatments and was very physically ill. I have been fighting the system ever since to try reclaim my identity and my life. I am still trapped by the injustices but I keep hope alive that somehow the truth will eventually set me free. Thank you for sharing your compelling story of what you overcame.
Thank you for reading, Rosalee. I have found the best justice is to live my best life, whatever that looks like, in the moment I live it. Crimes may have been committed against me but for the amount of time I carried the anger, I relived those crimes daily. When I released them (the doctors and hospitals), I truly was set free to live as I chose. It didn’t happen all at once, but it did happen.
Thank you Catherine. I was crying reading this.
I hope that people who represent contemporary system of dehumanisation will be treated the same way in the future. Maybe their children will.
People who are using DSM are slaves, so they need their slaves to survive. People who are using DSM are killers, because they are dead too. The system belongs to zombies.
James Hillman Re visioning-psychology.
——FIGHT FOR THE RIGHTS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL MAN, WHO IS BEING DESTROYED BY IDEOLOGIES/ FALSE SEMANTICS, WHICH IMITATES KNOWLEDGE OR MEDICAL HELP.
Psychiatry has got nothing in common with human psyche. This institution completely destroyed the image of the REAL HUMAN PSYCHE/THE PHENOMENOLOGY BEHIND THE DIAGNOSIS.
Apollonian ego and normalcy has got nothing in common with the human psyche, because people who represent apollonian ego are too psychologically blind to see the reality of the psyche.
They do not believe in anything which is beyond their simple archetype. BECAUSE THEY REFUSED TO ADMIT THAT RATIONALISM AND MENTAL HEALTH ARE ONLY IDEOLOGIES, MENTAL HEALTH IS ONLY AN ASSUMPTION, WHICH HAS GOT NOTHING IN COMMON WIT THE PHENOMENOLOGICAL TRUTH ABOUT HUMAN PSYCHE.
So where is the logic? Psychiatry is not for normal PEOPLE, THEY ARE PSYCHOLOGICALLY DUMB, AND THINKS that THEY CONTROL THE PSYCHE USING PSEUDO MEDICINE (apollonians arrogance and psychological blindness of the most stupid psychological archetype), ok, it should help those, and be a shelter for those who are beyond the simplest archetype ever,because ONLY they have got hard life.
Normal are too psycholoogically blind to have hard life.
Normal people thinks that they have got hard life ( or easy, I do not care about apollonians “problems”), and psychoological man should “be cured”, because they have got “problems” with him or her. You do not understand that without phenomenology of the psyche “to cure” means only to terrorize and to demonise sb .
PSYCHIATRY IS USING PSYCHOLOGICAL MAN FOR OWN PURPOSES, BECAUSE WITHOUT THE PHENOMENOLOGY OF THE PSYCHE, NO ONE SEE THE UNAUTHORALITY AND REAL POWER OF THE PSYCHOLOGICAL STATE BEYOND APOLLONIAN SIMPLE IMAGINATION/JURISDICTION —— THEY TREAT IT AS STH UNREAL OR SOME KIND OF SICKNESS, BECAUSE THEY DO NOT BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF THE PSYCHE, SO THEY RIDICULED IT.
“MENTALLY ILL ” PEOPLE ARE REAL (FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL REALITY) AND NORMAL ARE THE UNREAL UTHOPIANS ( FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICAL REALITY)
THIS IS THE LAW OF THE PSYCHE.
TO PSYCHIATRISTS – IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THE REAL/PHENOMENOLOGICAL MEANING BEHIND THE DIAGNOSIS, DO NOT USE IT ON THE OTHERS, KIDS.
BECAUSE YOU CAN KILL SOMEONE IN THE NAME OF HEALTH.
My new “mantra” for how I live my life is- if what is there is not working for my good, build something else that makes the old way obsolete. My view of psychiatry as it has become today is it is a government sanctioned cult. Those indoctrinated to the cults values (the doctors, nurses, caregivers) are as trapped as we once were. Cults need followers to thrive. I pray they see that their prison door can be opened if they choose to see another way.
Each of us is trapped in deifferent kind of psychological reality, we can not choose or we can choose if we are in psychological reality that ALLOWES us to choose. Normal represents the easiest archetype, and psychological man is in the most dangerous and unpleasant psychological reality. When we lose the ability to control psychological reality – we are called mentally ill.
Normal refuse to see that harsh phenomenological reality.They are to stupid and egoic to see the differences between the simplest and the most dangerous psychological archetype – the death reality. The want to cure it, which means –destroy its phenomenology.
Psychological work is far more difficult than physical work on apollonian level.
The problem with normal people and psychiatry is that they do not have any wisdom. They do not want to know what psyche is, they just want to control it. They are not trapped, they are the prison for psychological man.
James Hillman, he helped me to understand the logic of the psyche. I hope one day, we will have the phenomenology of the psyche in the place of inhumane brainless control.Psyche is the future, not science, not technology, only psyche and empathy.
Very inspiring, Catherine. I agree with you that the most fruitful path to change is to create new things which render obsolete these old ways which have caused and continue to cause such extreme dysfunction in our society. The light you bring from rebirthing into the new is refreshing and of tremendous value in the world today, the way I see it. Healing ourselves is really hard work, and also it is what uplifts us and those around us, including the world. Gratitude and respect for taking the journey.
Thank you, Alex. It is refreshing to hear others are looking for the light as well. 🙂
Most thankfully, I found it. Or better said, it found me, once I got not only psychiatry but all things “mental health” industry out of my way, including myself.
I left psychiatry behind over 15 years ago after a 20-year relationship with it, got very dysfunctional toward the end there, and it almost killed me. But layer by layer, over a period of years, I got out of that weird web and put myself back together again with new life tools and perspectives, and found what I wanted in life and from life. That was quite a trek, and not without battle scars, as you are knowing now; definitely not for the faint of heart and spirit.
What I learned in my journey was that when we heal to the point of feeling predominantly our own light channeling through us, and appreciating that to the nth degree, then we automatically have an abundance of it to share with others. It’s pretty cool! Win/win :).
Win/Win indeed! It is never too late to live your best life. I appreciate you sharing bits of your journey. 🙂
Truly a shamanic healing – you healed from what appeared to be “genetic” “medical” problems, and now are on the path to helping others. Well done!
I had read about Malidoma Some, an African Shaman, a few South American shamans, and their views. I am much in agreement with their assessment of mental illness. Our perspectives rule our outcomes, I feel. Thank you for your kind words. 🙂
This part of what you wrote stands out for me because it validates what high frequency listening can do: “One of my more useful purchases, when I was at my worst, was a CD soundtrack that used binaural beats embedded in nature sounds and ringing Tibetan bowls. I had been listening to this CD every day for about three months when my therapist asked me what I was doing that was different. I mentioned the CD. She said she could tell the difference in my speaking and the calm demeanor I now had. I vowed to continue.”
If you are interested in WHY you experienced a changed speaking voice and less anxiety see an interview I did in May of this year with Laurna Tallman. https://rossaforbes.com/little-known-listening-program-heals-range-incurable-ills-interview-laurna-tallman/
Thank you, Rossa, for the interesting interview! I purchased the CD’s I used from https://www.holosync.com/ I was so impressed with the first level, I bought the 2nd level about a year later. I recently purchased all 12 levels and am starting on level 3. This one has affirmations that I recorded underneath all the other sounds. Cerebral integration was one of the benefits touted in the use of binaural beats when it discussed building new neural connections. At the time, I just knew I was feeling better and had a clearer thinking process. Now after study, I realize why. With your information, I feel it adds to the whole of my understanding. I appreciate your sharing with me! 🙂
Fantastic read thank you so much
I appreciate the time you took to read my story. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your incredible and uplifting story, Catherine. What a journey – and how wonderful that the REAL you has come through it, and that you’ve written about it for others.
I have similar genes to you: mental illness from one parent, and alcoholism from another parent (actually a great grandparent). Also travelled a great deal as a young kid and similarly disconnected 🙁
Whilst I read widely and have been to many spiritual workshops, nothing was better than investigating my genes to understand why there was so much addiction.
In 2012, I had a breakdown, and many psychotic episodes. The nightmares were terrible and whilst I just about functioned at work, at home I was disembodied, disconnected and felt my mind biting on every single word I heard – conversations or on the TV. I went to two psychiatrists, but I didn’t trust them to help me. I wanted something deeper.
In 2014, I discovered “Open Dialogue” (the Finnish therapy), with its emphasis on letting people and their family system speak their truths whilst minimising medication. Two years later, I was accepted onto their UK wide trial for therapy (this was with the proviso I wasn’t on medication) They helped me unpick my childhood trauma, name it and come to terms with it. It was very hard and I felt very vulnerable. At last I was able to cry and feel properly after many years of numbing.
I love and appreciate my spiritual gifts, insights and the deep sense of connection I have with most people. Talking to many people on my travels, I’ve noticed that people from the global south: south America, Africa and Asia can accept and appreciate our innate spirituality, but it’s regarded with great suspicion if not cynicism by many in western Europe and the US. I see breaking down as really waking up – and those of us who have, can help others. Every blessing on your journey: may you inspire others!
Thank you, Annette, for sharing a bit about your journey! I found Dawson Church’s Genie in Your Genes and after reading about his explanation of Epigenetics, I felt I had found a real source of my family’s problems. 🙂 To change the long-held beliefs I used a form of Theta Therapy that a friend and I came up with that is a mash-up of several different brain entrainment/meditation modalities. We started using this info back in 2012. Many people are waking up from a bad dream and it’s nice that some of us have been through the “fire” to guide others. Sending blessings to you as well. <3
It has been a while since your story was first posted, but what a gift that it is still here for me to stumble upon in a hard moment like the one I’m having now!
What a beautiful healing and attitude there is in your life. You are inspiring. YOU get to decide the meaning of your own mind, and I am so happy for you for having taken that opportunity in this life. It is no small feat to have healed physical problems like you have, much less the emotional turmoil you went through! I’m sure the suffering was greater than you had space to write about here, and still your graciousness is what shines so beautifully just from the page 🙂
I am truly glad for you for having left the system behind, and for your new joy in your relationships with people who matter – Congratulations!!! I hear it only gets better, and I hope to read more from you sometime as well. I love that you’re offering healing to people through Reiki as well… you’re just a blessing!!! Thank you for finding and sharing the goodness that the system can’t destroy.
I’m sure you have already have an incredible amount of knowledge on healing (or else you wouldnt be so successful!!), but for what it’s worth, fasting has created unbelievable (“impossible”) change for my mind and body. Dr Fung writes a lot about it online, but he is far from the only source… he may not even be the most knowledgable! That avenue always exists, and I hope you have/you do experience the joy of it at some point if that’s what works for you. I know only more goodness can come to you as your mind and heart call out to it and it makes its way to you!
Stay well and take care!! Enjoy your freedom!
Thank you for your sweet comment! I have found that encouragement comes when we need if we open our eyes to see. Yours did that for me. 🙂 I have used some short-term fasting a couple of times. It was quite helpful. I wish you well in your temporary hard moment. Though darkness may seem forever, joy comes in the morning!