On Recovery: Scaling the Wall of Fear

By
-
41
2988

In 2001, after suffering from malaria in Africa, I had my first nervous breakdown and took time away from my busy career internship. Doctors at the hospital gave me a brain scan and all looked okay. I felt relieved and went on a pre-booked trip to New York right after the towers had been hit. I remember the highlight of my visit was rollerblading in Central Park. I felt so alive on vacation and returned back to work only to be revisited by fuzzy thoughts. A few months later I was told I would need to take antipsychotics going forward, “just like a diabetic needs insulin.”

I was enlisted with an alpha male psychiatrist and I embarked on a polypharmacy voyage of discovery. Medication doses stultified my anxious mind and reassured doctors that I was in a safe state. After three years I tried to withdraw, with guidance from the doctor, and failed miserably, landing myself in the emergency ward on my mother’s birthday. My brain receptor response from withdrawing abruptly from antipsychotic medication and going onto antidepressants felt almost unimaginable. I saved my own life by calling 911 and was rescued by an excellent emergency team. It was a miracle I survived.

I went back to work at a new office still trembling with PTSD. Those were good years of slow and steady recovery and I qualified in my career, found a new girlfriend, and fixed up my new home. My employer was a great help. I also learned of the survivor movement and began to do my homework. Wonderful people were telling a different story about recovery. I joined a group that met in a church basement and we listened to experts on mental illness and medications. Could it be possible that the medications are actually making the problem much worse by making it extremely difficult to withdraw? Are the chemicals altering the brain structure in a harmful way?

I worked with my new psychiatrist to withdraw from the antipsychotic and reached near micro-dose levels before relapse occurred and my family had me hospitalized. The fear of being committed grew and all I could do was go back to work at a new office, study yoga to stay calm, and find a new partner. Several more attempts at withdrawal each led to withdrawal psychosis and my family and doctors became more worried. I luckily found an empathic peer counsellor who helped coax me out of the darkness. Yoga study also provided the foundation for spiritual weightlifting. If I could do a downward dog, maybe I could do tree pose or shavasana. Study of the Patanjali’s yoga sutras helped me to rebuild my sense of self in the face of terrible social stigma about psychosis. The sutras pointed out that altered states could also be part of a spiritual awakening and being a witness to one’s subconscious opened up a deeper reality. For thousands of years, individuals had been going into these states to reach beyond.

During the time of my hospitalizations my friend came to the ward and we played ping pong, and excitement for the game spread to other fun-loving patients as well. The hospital provided a temporary place for rest and reflection, and being there would have been almost acceptable without the high doses of zombifying medication. Normal human rights were not in effect and the prisoner’s dilemma became mine. Under the local system the patient cannot refuse to take medication — and this fact is disturbing because antipsychotics have numerous negative effects, and they create a chemical dependency that is observable upon withdrawal, and their long-term efficacy is in doubt, and, in addition, there is a human rights issue regarding coercive medicine.

What amazed me was my experience of antipsychotic drug withdrawal. At first life’s intensity surged back as though I were awakening from a cloudy slumber, art came alive, emotions flowed forth, and choirs sounded heavenly, but then there seemed to be a point where I might tip over the edge as my brain receptors were washed clean of chemical blockers. This is where my fear of being hospitalized and my family’s fear of my mental state kicked in, and no doubt the authorities under directive would come knocking. My experience of fear during withdrawal is that it is greatly exacerbated by the medical system. Sometimes dealing with anxiety can be done with pure cognitive therapy using logic and head-on confrontation, sort of like riding an elevator for those with claustrophobia. Anxiety also leads to addictions because patients need to escape the agony. Addictions can be to things like alcohol, sedatives, and the internet. This all can be a very lonely journey. Reaching out is important, and attending recovery groups helps. Other observations during my withdrawals were that movement spasms occurred, where I would jerk one way or another in a tortuous way, and I also had ringing in the head as though my brain were under a continuous pressure. In addition, my libido would return, which is vital for a sense of presence in the world, and for being able to fulfill desire and have children.

I was in a revolving door situation with the hospital and the withdrawal attempts. Were my tapers not slow enough? Tapering is poorly charted territory in the field of medicine. I consulted the peer experts for answers on this and found all kinds of creative means and measures like counting pill particles, creating dynamic liquid suspensions, or lying in bed for a couple of years with a caregiver to look after you. If the doctors prescribe these drugs, why can they not figure out a tapering procedure for antipsychotics? Instead the system is rigged so that patients are put on community treatment orders and long lasting injectables. Who wants to live in a drug-induced emotional netherworld?

I really wasn’t in a situation conducive to withdrawing, and I didn’t want to go back to hospital. I looked up and sought help from the amazing survivors who had fully withdrawn and were on the lecture circuit. I also volunteered to help patients in institutions and I participated in a fundraising campaign for people trying to recover from crisis. By staying on a very low dose I could still work, volunteer and avoid hospital.

The question still remains as to how to handle societal fears about the ‘mentally ill’. My blessed family are like hypervigilance officers on the watch for the slightest behavioural aberration. Doctors ask questions and search for ‘insight’ before entering the information onto the PARIS medical web. At my professional office workplace there were rumours going around about my sudden departures from previous offices. People knew and they were worried. The media abounded with reports of shootings, and songs and movies were created to terrify us about the mentally unwell. This is the wall of fear I had to scale, and the doctors and family needed also to let go of false preconceptions. Probably better empathy is needed and more faith in the loved one’s ability to recover.

I had to shed unscientific disease labels, and comfort and educate the people around me about my situation. Going back to work helped me gain confidence as well as earning a living. I learned complex new software, took on challenging new projects, and expanded my circle of friends and acquaintances. I had to do this several times with multiple offices. I tried to look for the positive. One of my fortunate turns was a job near the beach. I was able to walk the promenade at lunch and stretch my legs while watching volleyball. There was a wonderful store at the end of the walk that sold salted nuts and fresh sliced fruit. At another job I was able to bicycle 5 km along a custom bike path to get to and from work. During my breaks I could range out along the marshlands and see waterfowl, and on my return visit the local coffee shop. The jobs were not easy but they certainly had their perks. Often I felt down about my compromised status in the companies, but I soldiered on and my employers sometimes were able to give me great assignments.

With the biking and walking and good diet I was able to stay a little in shape. I maxed out my weight loss using a fitness tracker and digital scale to track my progress. It was really hard to lose weight. My theory is that the meds dulled my ability to feel reward, and as a consequence I needed to eat and drink more — to feel good. By sitting at a computer workstation for many hours a day my posture also started to collapse. Prop yoga helped me to work out some of the physical damage incurred, and meditation also aided in preparing my mind around the work day. In the morning I would sit and gather my thoughts prior to my commute, and then after work I would quiet my busy mind and de-stress. I continued to focus on the inner light and my own well being. I realized I am not my job. There were moments in my career when I felt inspired, but I was still just earning a living and being useful.

I pray for a rich life, away from the fear of job insecurity, coercive medicine, and false labels. My friend helped me go to church and participate in worship. I still remember how I was so heavy I was barely able to kneel in the pews, and just listening to the liturgy and the choir-filled interludes uplifted me. The church was beautiful, too. “Peace be with you” we all said to each other at mass, and “Namaste” we said at the end of yoga class. The great texts did not dwell on fear and nor should we. Listening to our deepest feelings and thoughts is vital.

***

Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.

***

Mad in America has made some changes to the commenting process. You no longer need to login or create an account on our site to comment. The only information needed is your name, email and comment text. Comments made with an account prior to this change will remain visible on the site.

Previous articleThe War for the Future of Psychotherapy
Next articleCast Aside No One
Will P. Mather
Will P. Mather
Will P. Mather is a former Architect living in Vancouver, Canada who has worked on many private and public sector projects over 25 years while having a mental health diagnosis. Will has traveled widely in search of inspiring lands, peoples and traditions and believes that Western ways of thinking need to change quickly for us to reclaim ourselves and save our planet. Will has practiced yoga for over two decades.

RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR

41 COMMENTS

  1. Hi Will.
    Thanks for being here, and writing.
    The original problem, the treatment and belief can create a vicious cycle. A loop.
    The anxiety it creates, the fear, is huge in keeping us stuck.
    One thing is imperative that we try to live according to what feels right, and
    that can change and could be multiple different ways.
    Even our partners are instrumental in how we feel. Everything matters,
    especially your own truth.

    Report comment

  2. It took me 6 years to go from an ‘antipsychotic’ ‘maintenance dose’ to a ‘totally non thereuptic’ dose (…and eventually this became nothing).

    But even then I would n’t have been successful if I hadn’t made the ‘realisation’ – that I had to detach from my ‘head’ completely when I was in ‘Catastrophy’ – and when I was able to do this – my Intuition took over and guided me.

    Report comment

  3. Glad you’re doing better, Will.

    I understand why you choose to take a small dose of neuroleptics in your circumstances.

    What you needed help with was the real disease of malaria. Not a slough of iatrogenic problems added to the mix. 🙁

    It was hard for me to taper off my cocktail. I receive a disability check and live with relatives. Not a feasible option for many.

    Circumstances may change. Till then, minimalist psych pills sound like they’re working for you. Good luck.

    Report comment

  4. Dear Will,
    If you kick down that wall of fear, from vertical to horizontal, you’ll be able to dance on it.

    Is fear all that bad? I’ll give you my take on that…..I hate hospitals. I’m a lifer because of incurable disease, people call it cancer. Anyways, I hate hate hate hospitals. I know, I’m repeating myself. My point is that I’m ready to crawl a mile before I go to an emergency ward. I like that fear. It’s knowlegeable fear. It keeps me safer.

    I also have a very weak immune system and I fear bacteria and viruses. Thank goodness I fear that. Now, if I have other health issues, I may fear neuro-toxins. That’s healthy in my mind. So on and so forth.

    I’m not minimizing what you experience. But, did you really want to keep the same job for 40 years? Do you really want to surround yourself with people who judge? What’s in their closet. Probably some weird things too. We’re actually more similar than we are different. But you know, I wouldn’t want to hang around people who are coercive. People I fear, that’s called something else. There’s what 7 billion people on the planet? Why hang out with “we know better than thou”.

    I apologize for my ramble. Enjoy the New Year. I think you’re doing OK. You’ve definetly got more ressources than inititially. You ain’t no novice, tell the nay sayers to f-o (well, in your mind anyways).

    Report comment

  6. Thank you for sharing your recovery story, Will. The antipsychotics truly are horrendous drugs, and I agree, the medical community is making matters much worse by systemically misdiagnosing drug withdrawal induced “super sensitivity manic psychoses” as “a return of the illness.”

    Plus, I agree, the psychologists’ and psychiatrists’ stigmatization and defamation of their clients, to their family members, really tears families apart. My psychologist’s lies of a “life long, incurable, genetic” disease to my husband, really did destroy our marriage.

    But I also agree that a drug withdrawal induced “psychosis” can function as a really cool, and staggeringly serendipitous, awakening to one’s subconscious. And exercise is a very good way to get all that drug withdrawal induced manic energy out, lots of biking during mine, too.

    I’m so glad you’ve escaped, and are healing, Will. God bless.

    Report comment

    • Someone Else, Thanks for spelling it out so clearly. The system puts so much strain on patients that to survive it one has to embrace the higher power.
      I cannot understand how the doctors and government have not responded to the problem of supersensitivity psychosis as it is causing alot of trouble and expense for individuals and society in general.

      Report comment

  7. Will,

    I firmly believe Psychiatric Drugs cause “Schizophrenia and Bipolar” as we know them today.
    I also believe that I can substantiate this from my own experience and from my own medical records (and I intend doing so).

    I was talking to a doctor friend of mine over Christmas about the use of psychiatric drugs and he predicted in years to come that, “these days” would be viewed as the dark times in “Mental Health” when doctors didn’t know what they were doing.

    He related to me that cancer recovery has become commonplace now, not because of better drugs, but because doctors have become so expert at using them.

    In “Mental Health” there’s a lot “medical experts” can learn from the “non co operative patients” that make Full Longterm Recovery as a result of rejecting Professional Advice.

    Report comment

  10. Will:

    Thank you for sharing this inspirational story. My daughter has weaned down to 25% of her lithium dosage which she was put on during a brief hospitalization caused from a cold turkey withdrawal from a daily dose of 100 mg of clozapine. She worked hard to get to that point.

    When she experienced an emotional wound during withdrawal- was rehospitalized and restarted on a higher dose of clozapine as well as an additional drug (lithium). Rebound psychosis sucks! Thank you for validating my frustration!

    Her shrink, once supportive of her withdrawal– then cowered into state of conformity more in alignment with his more traditional colleagues. He no longer supports withdrawal because he considers himself a young rogue in the profession and wants to have his cake and eat it too–pad his career with success cases-while avoiding risk.. He no longer sees hope for my daughters full recovery which is reflected in the diminished time he spends with her and his prescribing.

    My husband adviced my daughter “fire your shrink” but when this was explored at her last appointment, my daughter’s shrink responds by saying “if you fire me, wait till you see what my colleague are like!” By bringing attention to his self-perceived tolerance for my daughter’s odd behavior–of course–his comment–whether intentional or not–put salt on our deepest dread as a family–another involuntary commitment followed by another ling year in a state mental hospital.

    Can you offer some advice for family members? If a loved one is experiencing an extreme state during withdrawal coupled with PTSD from psychiatric abuse– is it better to engage knowing I may get scared and project my fear onto to my co-struggling loved one–or leave my loved one in isolation even if she is obviously suffering as evidenced by her shouting to herself or defacing her environment? My daughter is showing a lot of progress healing from emotional wounds: in her many periods of clarity I see that but on the bad days I identify with family members you described who were hyper vigilant so I dont know if I should hover-as a traumatized witness whose only function is to offer ocasional meals, clean up her house, offer rides, etc. –or walk away and disengage because she would experience greater healing in privacy?. I have no roadmap and I’m terrified to consult with mental health professionals when she is struggling. I fear they will reinforce the negative labels/messages about herself she has already internalized and reccomend dosage increases–or worse–add another drug to her cocktail. But her suffering in isolation scares me equally with lly.

    My hope is my daughter can start weaning off clozapine soon but there are very few professionals who will validate our hope so we remain isolated and try to shield our daughter from psychiatry at the cost of enabling her to be dishonest. The clozapine has caused her so many side effects I cant bear to think she will be on this drug for life! Any advice you can give is greatly appreciated!

    Report comment

    • Madmom,

      As far as I was concerned the main thing was not to get caught in the clutches of the system again. So once i got off the worst of the drugs, I took it easy. But once I got off the worst of the drugs I met the requirement for being well i.e. I could apply myself.

      Even so the reactive anxiety was absolutely horrendous. (‘CBT’ can work for this).

      There is no compulsory treatment in Ireland as far as I know, once a person is out of hospital – and this makes for more reliable standards.

      Report comment

    • Hi Madmom,
      If your daughter has been on neuroleptics for quite a while she may need a few years to taper off and with alot of your loving and patient support. It would be easier if you also have a sympathetic and caring helper.
      I believe that clozapine washes out of the body very quickly so the reactions to the taper may occur quite fast.

      Report comment

    • Madmom,
      I don’t know if you’d be open to my experience as I literally, at times, carried my wife thru her extreme states and PTSD symptoms…
      There are 3 concepts from attachment theory that were vital for me to ‘master’ as I helped my wife thru these various experiences, though much of it I would categorize as simply being a good parent or SO.
      1) affect regulation. This first concept is most easily understood that the person in distress will mirror your reaction to the situation. If you stay calm and cool when she’s in the midst of an extreme state, that WILL affect her and calm her, too, but if you ‘lose it’, that will cause her to escalate. You’ve probably seen this concept played out in movies and such when all hell breaks loose but the ‘leader’ of the group keeps his cool and thus enables the rest of his/her band of followers to follow that lead.
      2) Proximity maintenance. Basically this means that your very presence has a calming effect upon the person in distress. You don’t always have to say something. Sometimes just your presence can be calming, but this is important: don’t minimize the importance of touch if your daughter is in a place to receive it. We humans need non-sexual touch to feel connected, and I have made it a hallmark of how I keep my wife connected to me for these last 11 years. You would almost always see me with my arm around her, or holding her hand or sometimes I’ll simply reach out and touch fingertips or rub noses or stroke her hair or her cheek. All these little things are powerful ways to emphasize that she is NOT alone. She is connected. And that connection, that attachment is what will hold her when the extreme states would otherwise overwhelm her.
      3) Safe Haven. To me I always visualize this as protected ship harbor during a hurricane. She would often run away from me when she felt scared and overwhelmed, but I NEVER let her be alone during those times no matter how much she would try to push me away. It was a balancing act, and so I was careful not to force myself upon her, but I would gently envelope her with my presence, with my words, with my affirmation. If she was hiding under a table or something, I would crawl under it with her and wrap her up loosely in my arms and legs and just whisper to her, “it’s ok now, Honey. I’ve got you. You are safe now. You aren’t alone anymore. I hear you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there with you before, but I’ve got you now.”
      But I think safe haven also means when she thought she was going crazy and all the other derogatory things she’d safe about herself, I’d respond, “No, Honey, you’re just hurt. We’ll get thru this.” I had to learn NOT to overreact to all the things that got thrown my way. It really helped me once I understood what was going on inside of her.

      Now you’ve got the additional issue of the drugs, so everything might not ‘make sense’ in time like it did for me, but I’ve had to deal with mini-seizures, her going comatose, panic attacks, extreme anxiety, flashbacks, night terrors, self-injury issues, and more…but at this point, all those things are a distant memory and she hasn’t had anymore for years.

      I’d say the main issue was me. Once I got my ‘stuff’ together, my wife began to make much greater progress. Like it or not, we the SO’s and family and friends can make all the difference as the ‘primary attachment figures’ in the lives of our loved ones. Yes, it is exhausting, but we made it, and you can, too. You’re welcome to email me, if you’d ever like to correspond more.
      Sam

      Report comment

      • Sam Ruck, when I read your comment tears came to my eyes. Your behavior with your wife was exactly the kind of treatment my therapist presented me when I went into an altered state, and it is thanks to her and her unconditional acceptance of me that I healed and am here today. Everything you did, she also did…it was absolutely life -saving and the first real caring/care I had ever received in more than 4 decades of psychiatric care/abuse. Thank you for this comment. I for one would love to see an entire article at MIA devoted to the subject.

        Blessings,

        Phoebe

        Report comment

        • Hi Phoebe,
          thank you for the affirmation: I’m glad your own life affirmed the effectiveness of attachment techniques for even the most extreme of altered states. My wife went thru the entire gamut, and we never had to resort to drugs or forced interventions.. Maybe some day I will be able to do an article or series here as you suggest. There is such a desperate need to teach non-medical interventions to those who surround someone in distress.
          Sam

          Report comment

  11. “Could it be possible that the medications are actually making the problem much worse by making it extremely difficult to withdraw? Are the chemicals altering the brain structure in a harmful way?”

    A lot of money to be made by someone who recognises this fact and the methods being used to conceal these facts from the general public. Especially when you also recognise the human and civil rights abuses being enabled by various governments around the world. Organised criminals running rampant in our hospital system and authorities unable to act because of the loopholes in our laws.

    The use of “chemical restraints” with no National Standards allowing doctors to create and addiction/withdrawl issue, and then the forced ‘medication’ of victims when they complain about the withdrawl symptoms. Something that the local drug dealer would love to be able to do, but would be concerned about the legal ramifications of. Not something a doctor who can simply call police and request their ‘patient’ (who they have never actually met) be delivered to the Emergency Dept for an ‘unintended negative outcome’ needs to be worried about in my State. RIP to the unnamed victims of this negligence by our authorities.

    No doubt Will that when one recognises what is really occuring it can be a shock, just be careful that this shock is not one being applied to the insides of your head for speaking the truth.

    Report comment

      • Yes Will, the truth is disturbing, but it is the truth. Concealing truth with falsehoods is a short term gain, for a long term pain. Not too far from covering abuse and trauma with drugs that are disguised as medications. Sure it works short term but …….

        Their evil deeds will be made attractive to them so that they believe that what they are doing is good.

        Report comment

  13. Mr. Mather, In 2004 I was employed with mortgage and bills current, but worried about a recent business failure and not sleeping as a consequence. I thought getting a sleep-aid & emotional ‘tune-up’ was a good use of my excellent insurance.

    Following the expanded criteria in the DSM IV & a psychiatrist who was collecting $65,000 annually from pharma (her listing in Dollars for Docs-ProPublica), I immediately received a lifetime bipolar 1 diagnosis and was drugged with multiple anti-psychotics + the kitchen sink…..immediately & for the next 11 years.

    I lost everything a person can lose in life, including of course, my previous excellent health.

    Within 24 hours I had my 1st Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome ADR, described to me after the paralysis left, as proof of my perilously diseased mind. It went downhill from there. Physical damages put me in hospitals regularly….never behavioral.

    It (began to) end in 2013 with ANAPHYLAXIS (unknown to me then, but my LUCKIEST day ever) from a psych prescriber….. rebound & withdrawal…complete physical collapse and brain lesions (micrographia, etc)….. that I used as leverage (anaphylaxis =inarguable medical liability, NOT “symptoms”=lawsuit) to negotiate complete written capitulation & change of my ‘lifelong’ diagnosis…AND guided titration & withdrawal of all drugs. It took 2.5 additional years…AND I lost 55 of the 85 lbs. I had gained from ‘treatment’.

    When THAT was ‘over’ I had to begin dealing with the damages, body & soul, the rage, and the ensuing 4 ADDITIONAL years of seizures….see the Andreason results-pre-frontal shrinkage.
    Barrow Neurological was ‘interested’ but couldn’t help. “We’re seeing a lot of this lately. Good luck”.

    My family had passed away. My friends left ..as ‘it’ seemed never-ending. I was not welcome at PTSD support groups where veterans & domestic violence victims were running TOWARDS any psychiatric ‘help’ they could find. I was clearly running away. They didn’t/couldn’t understand….and I risked being viewed AGAIN (by facilitators) as mentally imbalanced, irrational, someone in need of sedation. DANGER.

    In 2020, the seizures have stopped, Tai Chi & diet have helped, & I’m finally full of life again, making future plans and welcoming my ‘muse’ back in. I used to be a professional artist.

    16 years.
    But I’m back, changed, and better than I was.
    I never thought I’d get here.

    As you know, it’s a delicate, perilous road.
    I wish you the best.

    Report comment

  14. Mr. Mather, One more thing…
    My exit doctor had been the Clinic Director during the ‘anaphylaxis event’ and had much to lose If I ‘made a fuss’. He was the one who walked me out for 2.5 years, part altruism, part cover-his-butt. At the time he was quietly ascending to the VP/CMO position ‘downtown’. I was his only client.
    On our last day I had very powerful, conflicted feelings; grateful yet cynical about what he represented and the staff, the company (and himself) he had protected at my expense….for barter.

    This was in the envelope I handed to him as I walked out of that place (with wobbly knees) for the last time.
    Forgive me If you find it tired or trite. It checked all the boxes for me.

    INVICTUS by William Ernest Henley

    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the pit rom pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.

    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.

    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds and shall find me unafraid.

    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll,
    I am the master of my fate,
    I am the captain of my soul.

    Report comment

  15. Thank you for speaking your truth with your story of healing and soul growth. It’s very inspiring, moving, and elegantly written.

    I had the dubious honor of withdrawing after 19 years on polypharmacy, culimating in 9 during that final year, which almost killed me. This was right after grad school and I was living in a big city, so life was complicated at that moment. I finally said enough of this crap, it had made me so sick, and I finished my tapering from all that 19 years ago, so I’ve now had equal times on the drugs and off of them. The difference is beyond night and day, it is astounding.

    I had no model for this, no one around me had done this or had heard of “coming off meds” and I was surrounded mostly by cynics and naysayers. But I did stand my ground on this, and one way or another I was always shown the next step, it would show up for me and the path would be clear, and I’d walk through one door or another, moving forward.

    I was brain (and other organs) damaged at the time from them, not clear on what I needed, terribly self-conscious, severely insomniac, extremely fearful and in grief that my life and well-being seemed to have been ruined forever, and I was not at all well-connected to my inner voice, not on a conscious level. I was also foggy, nervous, and very shaky, could hardly speak above a whisper and my head was filled with scary junk. My body was rebelling in about every way possible, felt as though it had completely turned against me. But somehow, I managed to find my healing by integrating all kinds of things spiritual and natural, similar to what you describe, to heal on a mind/body/spirit level. Can’t have one without the others.

    Chinese medicine was particularly supportive and effective–acupuncture, herbs, and I practiced Qi Gong as well, joined a group and it was amazing how healing this was for me. Learning who I was as a spirit in a human body is what changed everything, that particular relationship between me and me.

    I did have one healer in particular who pointed me in the exact right direction, starting with grounding, and that led to other things, and overall it was a wild ride where I learned all kinds of things about our human nature which I wish I’d known long before this, would have saved me heaps of trouble had I been raised on truth rather than programming. I really had to wake up, then wake up again, then again and again. Lots of awakening on a healing path, it can be a hard process, but it’s rich with lots of moments of awesomeness. Good support is invaluable during these times.

    I made it fine and it’s all behind me now, I’ve tranformed it all via my healing and live with new energy now, a whole new life and world for me. I know it is possible to get past this all, certainly takes hard work, new perspectives to apply, and a lot of transformation. Also takes flexibilty in thinking and a lot of humility, ascending the ego. I call it “an adventure in healing.” My complex journey led me to be in service to others, I found my life path and soul purpose this way.

    “I pray for a rich life, away from the fear of job insecurity, coercive medicine, and false labels.”

    Freedom is our birthright and natural state of being. Trust your inspiration and it will guide you there. And so it is.

    Report comment

  16. Will, thank you for sharing your story. The never ending injustice done by Psychiatry & Big Pharma continues despite the many ruined lives and enduring horror stories…all because they have the most money. I took have been greatly harmed by psychiatric meds. I have also been helped by them. Can a balance ever be achieved? Can Psychiatry learn to treat responsibly? I don’t know if that day will ever come. I tried to tape off my meds 3 times, with healthcare professional guidance, and 3 times I not only failed but the last time I ruined my life financially, ruined long-term relationships, ruined my educational goals, panicked & desires my family & ended up homeless. After 3 unsuccessful, methodical attempts, I concluded my body was simply incapable if withdrawals and resigned myself to being on the meds for life. I do believe that after some of us have been in the meds for decades, it might be quite impossible for us to withdraw. Perhaps if I had the money and type of life where I could afford to go to a long-term clinic to withdraw, I would have done something long ago. But the side effects that trouble me mostly are my short-term memory no longer works, I have developed ticks under my eyes and I have NO libido. When I’ve discussed these with my psychiatrist all she offers is that “How do I know these symptoms are from the psych meds”? Well, my short-term memory & libido issues WENT AWAY during my tapering off period (despite all the other problems I was having), but the eye tick problem came in more recent years so that I don’t know for sure, I just suspect. In any case, psychiatry doles out these meds with the LEAST CONCERN about the well being of their patients overall health. It seems to me to be an entire crap shoot. Even the diagnosis that match the medication regimes are a crap shoot. That they even dare to call this a specialist of medicine is truly a sham. I hope I live to see the day when the field of Psychiatry changes to become something real.

    Report comment

    • You are indeed not imagining the ticks as something from meds.
      And your shrink is obviously just another liar.
      I tried biofeedback once and after forcing the patterns on the screen to behave in certain ways, after some sessions I developed ticks on areas of my face.
      I dropped it like a hot potato.
      How can she deny the effects of the drug? If she was truthful she would simply say that the drugs flood the brain and body and since they are chemicals and not some precision missile, anything is possible.

      The Frankenstein like chemicals that are allowed out there is beyond amazing in what people think of as a modern world.
      It is archaic and we are very much so moving backwards, not forwards.
      The good news is, you recognize the harm. The bad news? Your psychiatrist is NOT on your side, or even on the side of truth or even on the side of science (what tiny amount exists is laughable) or else would not throw such comments at you.

      Report comment

    • There is NO accountability.
      It is a legal “witch hunt”. Legal brain frying meds.
      No doctor, no pharm is ever held accountable.
      It is simply a reflection of how society works and always has.
      However, there is a shift. One psychiatrist said that there has
      always been opposition, that it waxes and wanes. He seemed to poopoo
      the “movement”. He knows full well that it is not a “movement”, but rather a
      waking up to BS. There is a huge difference.
      One thing no one knows, is the outcome.
      There is a certain and uncertainty in everything. If the imbalance is too great, even the ones
      in power get hurt. How that will happen, no one really can foretell.

      Report comment

      • It would certainly be a spectacular thing for mainstream society to recognize the dangers of Psychiatry as we “in the movement” know there to be. We most certainly have a long way to go but I think perhaps the public is more likely to question their authority today than they once did and this can only be a good thing.

        Report comment

        • I think every person endowed with ability to use language, reason, logic and common sense should stand in a public square and hold speeches.
          The speaker might do well to wear a white coat, hold a surgery knife in one hand and a bottle of pills in another.
          I think some people are much more curious about the public ‘spectacle’ than the general online information. Both have a unique audience and we know that education is about using different methods of reaching the public.
          I do agree that people really are not as gullible as once and so I hope.
          Medicine in general, big pharm and harmful treatments laced with lies are no longer just conspiracy theories.

          Report comment

          • “The speaker might do well to wear a white coat, hold a surgery knife in one hand and a bottle of pills in another.”

            The Speaker is now in breach of Section 68e of the Criminal Code by having ready access to drugs and a weapon simultaneously. They can now be referred to a ‘mental health professional’ under s. 195 Police Powers of the Mental Health Act, who can have them ‘chemically restrained’ and call the effects of those chemicals a ‘mental illness’.
            Now that we have you under legal custody the Convention against the use of Torture no longer applies because we can inject you with stuff that makes you feel like your skin is on fire, and this ‘effect’ is “inherent in or incidental to lawful sanction”.

            You going to do as we ask now? You going to tell us what we want to know? You going to try and complain? Because any lawyer would turn their back on you knowing all about this little loophole being exploited by human rights abusers.

            This was the method employed by the people at the Ariel Castro Memorial hospital that snatched me from my bed. Spiked me with benzos and when I collapsed I had a knife and some cannabis planted on me. Woke up to my life being destroyed as a result of some criminals who are receiving some significant support from the State government. How do you make conspiring to stupefy with intent to commit an indictable offence namely kidnapping disappear? Call the victim a “mental patient” and provide fraudulent documents to their lawyers.

            I hope your Speaker isn’t a Speaker of Truth Sam because they just found themselves in a bit of bother that will last their whole life, they are now INVOLUNTARY MENTAL PATIENT

            Oh and the protections afforded the public by the Law? The people charged with enforcing those laws don’t even know what they are or how they operate. Our Chief Psychiatrist doesn’t even know what a burden of proof is, so how he can offer “expert legal advice” to our Minister is a puzzle to me. And the Minister writes that the Chief Psychiatrists claim that his rewritten version of “suspect on reasonable grounds” to “suspect on grounds we believe to be reasonable” is “not a misrepresentation” should be the joke of any Law Faculty on the planet. This enables aribitrary detentions to anyone who spends a couple of minutes thiinking about it. And our Chief Psychiatrist doesn’t know this? How can he possibly perform his duty of “protecting consumers, carers and the community”? Not a question the Minister or the C.P. have time to answer for the public i’m afraid.

            Report comment

LEAVE A REPLY