I Can Barely Breathe

58
2786

I tried to kill myself, desperate to escape the pain in February, 1984, at age 17. I survived. I was punished for the attempt, for the rest of my life…

You see, I had just been to see my first psychiatrist. Out of worry, my mother had called my high school to get Dr. Grahm’s name. For a year, I had had no friends, my GPA had dropped, I had stopped showering regularly, and was secretly binge eating. I was miserable but had no clue as to what I was experiencing. Back then, people did not talk about mental illness. Also, in my family, “emotions” were not allowed to be expressed. We were to act “pleasant, with pleasant looks on our faces—at all times!” or face admonishment. So, when I met this psychiatrist, I had no idea how to talk to him. I feared the consequences of being negative, and literally had no vocabulary for expressing myself.

I only remember bits and pieces of this appointment. I remember him saying it was normal to be depressed when on one’s period, which really embarrassed me. I remember the threat of family therapy. Walking out of his office I remember ruminating about two outcomes. First, if this is all “normal” that means I must endure it for the rest of my life. Second, now I have really done it! I’m going to be forced to publicly reveal my feelings to my feared stepfather who will then punish me at home. My depressed self thought death was my only option. I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol.

psychiatrists break bodies and brains
Photo by Lori Daniels

Dr. Grahm was notified of my suicide attempt, promptly hospitalizing me on an adolescent psych unit. The first thing he said to me on the unit was, “Thought you tricked me, didn’t you?” I was horrified! Speechless. I really had tried to honestly communicate with him. I had gone to him in good faith, for help! He, the adult doctor, had failed me! But I was the one he blamed. After this accusation, he asked how I was doing at the hospital. In the just two previous days, my 17-year-old self still had not learned how to effectively communicate my feelings, so I just said, “My stomach hurts.”

“OK,” he smiled. “I’ll give you a medicine called Melaril to help.” Melaril is actually a first-generation antipsychotic withdrawn from the market in 2005 because it caused severe cardiac arrhythmias.

Upon taking this “stomach medication,” I started to have all kinds of strange sensations. I began to behave in ways I never had before. In response, Dr. Grahm increased the dose, then experimented with other pills. I hadn’t known it was possible, but I just kept feeling even worse over the next months.

The first thing I noticed was this insatiable thirst. I couldn’t read anymore because the words were too blurry. Then, I couldn’t sit still. I became agitated and irritable. One day a fellow patient said something mean and I heard myself threaten to stab her. I attacked my roommate while she lay in bed. I picked up a chair and threw it at my beloved mother on visiting day. For these violent angry outbursts, huge scary men in uniforms wrestled me into restraints. I was injected in my leg and left in an empty white room for hours at a time, not being able to relieve my constant incredible urge to move.

One night, I broke my makeup mirror into pieces and tried to slit my wrists. It was too dull to be lethal, but the blood it did draw provided at least some relief. So, I hid the pieces of glass all around the unit and cut again and again over the next several years.

Yes! I was depressed before the hospital. Yes! I needed help! But I never felt or did any of these other things until drugs were administered.

After three months of this decline into madness, Grahm took me off all the drugs, except the Melaril, and for the next month I received a series of ECT treatments. After the ECT, I was discharged.

Two months later, with three month’s worth of Melaril tablets in my suitcase, I went off to college. I lasted six weeks. I slept through my alarm every day and missed my morning classes. Mentally, I couldn’t comprehend or focus on the academics of the afternoon classes. I coped with the social aspects by heavily drinking. I was put on dorm probation. I was flunking out. I was so ashamed of myself for being such a cowardly, lazy, no-good failure. I wanted to die. I dropped out.

After being notified that I’d quit university, Grahm then arranged for me to be admitted to a renowned mental institution, in October of 1984. I was an inpatient on a unit for three years and then moved into their halfway house and became an outpatient (with frequent short-term inpatient stays) for the next 25 years.

The medication pile-up, augmented by multiple series of ECT, started again and lasted for the next 38 years. I’ve been on first- and second-generation antipsychotics and antidepressants, multiple mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety medications. I have this clear memory of my long-term unit psychiatrist emphatically explaining to me that the only thing that was causing my problems was a chemical imbalance and that I would be even worse if I wasn’t taking the medication. I never once thought that maybe the medications themselves were inducing a chemical imbalance causing great harm to my mind and body.

Then, in 1990, I was told to take the new miracle “treatment resistant” drug Clozaril. It changed things for me. I moved into my own place. I slowly completed a degree from a local college, taking two classes at a time with no other job. It was awesome! It truly was a miracle! Or was it just because Clozaril rarely has akathisia as a side effect—the akathisia I had been experiencing with the previous drugs, that had been misdiagnosed as mental illness?

I slept 12-14 hours a day. I drooled a lot. I gained a ton of weight. I also started having weird new symptoms. Lots of worrying, fears and behaviors I hadn’t previously experienced.

After graduating, I held down a part-time job for five years, at a local children’s theater. I loved it! At this time, I also got involved with an abusive partner for eight years. Not surprisingly, I became miserable. Even though they were aware of my abusive relationship, instead of addressing it, my treatment team started piling on the drugs again and along with the Clozaril, high doses of Wellbutrin XL and Lamictal became my cocktail. The drugs didn’t keep my alcoholic partner from beating me, but I was able to keep my theater job.

My chronic poor concentration and memory problems angered my girlfriend. So, to help with that, the doctors did a ‘brain map’ which showed “the brain waves all over my brain were extremely fast.” I was diagnosed with “over-focused ADD.” I found out recently from a neurologist I saw that “fast brain waves are most likely due to psych medication.”

In October of 2003, after eight years, thankfully, my abusive relationship ended. Remember those new worries and fears I mentioned earlier? They increased exponentially. I started wearing latex gloves 24/7; I quit my beloved job, fearing exposure to germs; I isolated in my home and spent all my awake time disinfecting it. So, the doctors diagnosed me with OCD and wrote more prescriptions. Now I know, though it has never been mentioned to me, that Clozaril is well-known to trigger OCD.

In 2008, I left town to live with my newly divorced mother. Practically as soon as I got off the plane, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening autoimmune disease, idiopathic thrombocytopenia purpura. A low red blood cell count causes this disease. Clozaril can potentially cause a low white blood cell count, so my new psychiatrist took me off the Clozaril cold turkey.

I was horribly ill from Clozaril withdrawal. Plus, the hematologist prescribed a six-week treatment of oral corticosteroid. Thankfully, the autoimmune disease went into remission, but the prednisone triggered a bipolar mixed episode. The OCD did improve after the Clozaril withdrawal but not much, and I dove into a severe tailspin for about four years.

To replace the Clozaril, I was prescribed 1350mg of Seroquel. I was still on the Wellbutrin XL (450mg) and Lamictal (400mg). Plus, he added 1mg PRN of Klonopin, three times daily. I was a zombie, to say the least.

Before moving to my mother’s, I established care at an outpatient psychiatric teaching clinic to continue my medication. But that meant a new psychiatrist every year. Each year brought medication changes. I was switched from Seroquel to Geodon, then another doctor switched me to Abilify. Then the next doctor added Adderall. It provided zero help with concentration, but it did help me stay awake for more hours in the day than before.

After switching to Abilify, I started experiencing restlessness again. But the symptoms were much milder than before, less blatant. It was still uncomfortable, and the uncontrollable movements made me self-conscious. I’ve complained to every new psychiatrist, but they just made jokes and brushed me off, saying it was not a big deal (to them).

It was difficult because Medicare refused to pay for this type of therapist, but I found an OCD specialist who offered a fee reduction, which I borrowed money to pay. I worked hard doing exposure response therapy and improved enough to take off the gloves and start volunteering in 2014.

I tried several times over the years to take myself off the meds. After a few weeks of the visibly painful withdrawal, I would be committed and literally forced to take meds until I was “med compliant” again. Mostly, I chose to dutifully and diligently take my meds. I believed I was sick, and I believed it was the responsible thing to do.

In 2020, because the OCD was still there, my newest psychiatrist prescribed a “high dose” SSRI treatment. The Luvox made me nauseous. So, my psychiatrist switched to an extended-release form of Luvox. I tolerated that well. The regular Luvox was covered, but Medicare would not pay for extended-release unless my doctor filled out special forms each month. Which he did.

But in 2021, my new psychiatrist wasn’t so willing to go to the trouble and, despite my nausea complaint, would only prescribe the type of Luvox that Medicare would automatically cover. Also, in December 2021, that same psychiatrist wanted to switch me to a new antipsychotic. He tapered me off the Abilify by January 1, 2022. At that time, I secretly chose not to take the new antipsychotic prescription. Because of the nausea, I finally stopped taking the Luvox, cold turkey, in March 2022. I began SSRI withdrawal a couple weeks later.

April, 2022: I am on Wellbutrin XL, Lamictal, Adderal and Trazadone. I am no longer taking Luvox or Abilify. On April 8th, my wonderful, healthy partner of seven years took me to Hawaii for two weeks! Other than a month of severe, debilitating Luvox withdrawal nausea, I’d been doing okay.

The day before we left, I was feeling like I’d had several cups of coffee. I just thought my partner had mistakenly made me regular instead of decaf that morning. Little did I know, our journey to paradise was also the beginning of my journey into akathisia and withdrawal HELL! The vacation was a nightmare, and I still haven’t woken up.

I can barely take care of myself now. I cannot manage household chores, cook, clean… I can no longer drive. I’m suicidal all the time. All I can manage is to keep existing. The horrible symptoms can’t even be described, there are no words in our language for them. From the minute I wake up to the minute I sleep at night, waking up several times, I suffer. I want to die. I do not kill myself ONLY out of love and respect for my beautiful partner and wonderful mother. My amazing partner has stuck with me, taking care of me and my mother. I fully plan to kill myself when they die.

Adding to my nightmare of the past year, the discoveries I’ve made have rocked my whole world to its core. To my utter shock and dismay, I now believe that the drugs, made by big pharma, that I was forced to take, by the psychiatric industry, for 38 years… have no scientific evidence for the treatment of any ‘mental illness’. Contrary to common belief, the “chemical imbalance” theory was debunked in the 1980s, just as I was told I had one. The scientific community still has no knowledge of the causes of mental illness.

I never had a chemical imbalance. Well, I certainly did after all those drugs! And I do now—because of those drugs!

After Hawaii, I sought help. So far, I’ve been ignored, denied, threatened. I’ve been passed off. To this day, no medical doctor has acknowledged that I have anything other than “mental illness.” Although several non-psychiatric doctors have diagnosed me with conditions resulting from psych drug side-effects.

When complaining of uncontrollable restless movements and extreme agitation, my psychiatrist told me to go back on an antipsychotic. When I asked, “Will that make the movements go away?” he said, “Maybe, not sure.”

Finally, last summer, I put my foot down and tapered off the rest of my last cocktail—Abilify, Lamictal, Luvox, Adderall, Trazadone and Wellbutrin XL. The withdrawal is excruciating but I won’t take their evil drugs anymore, even if it is killing me. Unfortunately, I am still suffering from akathisia, OCD, high cholesterol, rectocele, incontinence, migraines, and low cognitive functioning.

The past year has been spent waiting for doctor’s appointments. The neurologists and psychiatrists bounce me back and forth between them. None will diagnose me with anything, other than the psychiatrists, who now just say my mood is “unstable” and threaten that if I don’t take the medications, I’ll end up in the hospital, where they will be forced to medicate me. When I bring up the word akathisia, the psychiatrists say I might have it, but they have no experience treating it. They tell me to go see a neurologist and wish me the best.

The two neurologists I have seen are completely stumped. After ruling out restless leg syndrome, a neurologist told me to see a psychiatrist. When I mentioned akathisia, she admitted she has never had a patient with it. Then she added that I couldn’t possibly have akathisia. She explained to me that if I had akathisia, I would not be able to sit in that chair talking to her. Never mind the fact that, for the less than ten minutes I was sitting there, I was rocking from side to side, backwards and forwards, my feet tapping, squirming because my buttocks muscles were squeezing and releasing and I was wringing my hands while sitting in the chair. I said, “Oh. I guess there aren’t different degrees of akathisia.” But silently I screamed, “I am so sorry doctor, that my restlessness and distress isn’t bad enough for you!!!” She replied to my verbal comment with, “Well, I guess there could be different degrees of any illnesses. If you would like to make a follow up, I’m very busy. But maybe my assistant can see you in a few months.”

It’s 2023. I’m off the drugs. The brain damage hasn’t healed at all. I have no idea if it’s permanent. No one does.

I’m 56 now. Because of these drugs, I’ve been on Social Security disability my entire adult life. The doctors said not to work full time and all my part-time jobs ended because of my ‘mental illness’ symptoms. People on disability have very small incomes. One is allowed less than a $100 balance in one’s bank account, even if there were to be enough money left over to save.

I’ve wanted to explore alternative medicine, but Medicare doesn’t pay for that. And I don’t make enough money to pay out-of-pocket medical expenses. Even if I were to borrow money, these practitioners have never even heard the term akathisia. However, they will enthusiastically believe the psychiatric drugs caused brain damage and will take money to treat it. Should I trust them?

Next time I’m reviewed for disability, I won’t have a psychiatrist to sign off because they won’t treat me anymore unless I take their prescriptions. If I’m not actively under a psychiatrist’s care, Social Security will take the only income and the only insurance I have away from me.

It doesn’t matter that my brain is still so damaged that I can’t work even a volunteer job. It doesn’t matter that I’d love to be in treatment and get help but the only treatment available are the drugs that caused the very damage I’m now dealing with.

At the beginning of 2022, I had accepted my life and was grateful it wasn’t worse. I didn’t complain that I never had what most people got in life. I believed the doctors when they told my parents that I would never have the ability to support myself and have a family of my own. I trusted that the drugs were necessary and helpful. I just thought it was unfortunate that I had been born with a handicap. I just followed doctors’ orders and lived the best way I knew how.

I can’t help but think, knowing what I know now, that I’ve been betrayed and abused by an inept mental health system. What a victim I’ve been. My life was ruined by harmful, ineffectual drugs that psychiatrists literally physically forced me to take. Now, finally off the drugs, I have no hope for health. The psychiatrists broke my body and my brain and now they are washing their hands of me.

When I think about what has been done to me and what has been taken from me, I can barely breathe.

psychiatrists break bodies and brains
“I See Now” by Lori Daniels

***

Mad in America hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. These posts are designed to serve as a public forum for a discussion—broadly speaking—of psychiatry and its treatments. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.

58 COMMENTS

  1. As a psychiatric mechanic, I can think of all sorts of things, from test taking to supplementing. Unfortunately, I’m just a “mechanic”, so I’d be deleted for content. There are two keys that might pass: (A) is your cholesterol still high (?), and (B) is there a physician in your town who treats this with Vitamin B3 as his/her mainstay?

  2. Holy crap, I have so much in common with your story, except a psychiatrist stopped my meds cocktail without taper (yes, withdrawal was hell), I didn’t have as much ECT, and I acquired a different autoimmune disorder (from Abilify) called IgA vasculitis. If you want some feeling of solidarity, I wrote my story for MiA too, and it’s here: https://www.madinamerica.com/2021/01/reckless-psychiatric-treatment-spun-me-out-of-control/
    I don’t desire to die as strongly or as often any more 3 years into recovery from psych drugs, but at age 59, I’ll never fully recover either.
    -Lisa Wallace

  3. Thanks for sharing! I haven’t read the whole story, but I have a response here:

    “Next time I’m reviewed for disability, I won’t have a psychiatrist to sign off because they won’t treat me anymore unless I take their prescriptions. If I’m not actively under a psychiatrist’s care, Social Security will take the only income and the only insurance I have away from me.”
    == I took a class from Wildflower Alliance. It was great for me. I have learned from the instructor that one can accept a psychiatrist’s care for the purpose of Social Security and other benefits, if any, but just don’t take the pills. I thought that was a really good idea!

    • People have been approved to remain on disability for psychiatric diagnoses, even if not taking medication, based on proven record of intensity of adverse effects, becoming ill from meds, etc., so stopping psychiatric treatment is not necessarily a death sentence for receiving SSDI benefits.

      • Lisa, frequently psych survivors are NOT approved for SSDI, as was my experience. When I applied for SSDI, and medically explained to the non-medically trained SSDI psychologist, how I was made sick with the psych drugs. She denied me coverage, and told me to go pay to study public health. Although, I do confess, I applied for SSDI more out of curiosity than need, and did not fight the denial.

        “Never mind the fact that, for the less than ten minutes I was sitting there, I was rocking from side to side, backwards and forwards, my feet tapping, squirming because my buttocks muscles were squeezing and releasing and I was wringing my hands while sitting in the chair.”

        Head shifting too? But yes, most definitely, those are common symptoms of akathisia – been there, done that.

        “I can’t help but think, knowing what I know now, that I’ve been betrayed and abused by an inept mental health system.”

        You are correct.

        “Now, finally off the drugs, I have no hope for health.” Oh, maintain the hope, please, Lori. Since God created us in His own image, so our brains are “neuroplastic,” thus have the ability to heal themselves over time.

        Although, I can’t say some of the common adverse effects of the psych drugs, may be healed. But I can say, I have learned how to use their antidepressant induced “brain zaps” to eliminate almost any headache, in a NY second.

        “When I think about what has been done to me and what has been taken from me, I can barely breathe.” Yes, I agree, the psychiatric industry’s systemic betrayal of their “patients,” and all of humanity, is mind boggling, and staggeringly appalling in scope.

        But please maintain hope on your healing journey, Lori, you can do it! Because God gave you a neuroplastic brain, that can help heal itself, over time.

    • Thank you for pointing out how important this life experience is. I commend Lori for her words of truth and how well written this is and how it will help the rest of us “road warriors for mental health” carry her words with us. I have been able to share this knowing how it will impact our future steps.

      Thank you Lori and blessings on your journey. You are an excellent writer!

      • “road warriors for mental health”

        Now we’re talking. Not like those big talking small fries (“Death on Two Legs” by Queen) at the Mental Health Law Centre who claim to be ‘advocates’, and all the while are conspiring with the State to throw their victims under a bus or knife them in the back? Or those people who talk about how the Germans would never have gotten away with what they did had they been present when the National Socialist’s took control of the State apparatus?

        Someone who will roll with the blows despite the odds being against them?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZ9UQKBUrsg&t=5s

        Like this guy. Not gunna let them hold him back, a true ‘road warrior’

        Mind you, I do think there is something to be said about Colonel Giap of the Vietnamese Peoples Army, who, when asked how he was going to defeat the might of the American military said “We are not going to fight in the American way, we will fight in the Vietnamese way”. And didn’t he bring them to their knees?

        They can’t slaughter the truth in the Emergency Dept, only the people speaking it.

  4. Thank you for sharing your seriously important story. I am going to find ways to share it on my side of the map and with some contacts on your side. There are many people of influence who just don’t seem to know enough about this despicable abuse going on all around us. I hope and pray that you have or will have access to therapeutic and beautiful moments to soothe and encourage your spirit. I hope that San Diego is a good place for you to be. I could check with a couple contacts out there for more possible resources, if you would like that.

  5. Lori,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. We are the same age (both of us became victims of the chemical imbalance narrative at a time when there was no counter-narrative).
    I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 19, and have also faced a lifetime of punishment. My family bought into the narrative in which I was the villain (the borderline label was added after ECT at age 38) and I’ve been trying to survive without family, friends, work, medical care, or advocacy. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last. Death doesn’t frighten me. What frightens me is the very real possibility that I will be put in a facility, again, before that happens.
    I’m in a similar situation with social security. I no longer see any “professionals” and if they remove my disability because of that, I don’t know what I’ll do. I also want to die every day.

    It’s almost beyond belief what these “experts” have done and gotten away with (and in many cases they have been treated as saints, and/or victims, by many in society). I don’t believe in God but I do hope there is another life and that they will have to answer for what they’ve done to their fellow human beings.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It couldn’t have been easy.

  6. Lori, You are not alone in being tragically left behind by Psychiatry. My parents didn’t get me the help I needed from a mental health professional for the three years I showed symptoms before I had to be hospitalized when I was 16. The care I received in the hospital was horrendous and left me with problems for the rest of my life. If you’re interested, I’ve written about my own experiences. (See “Memories of a State Hospital” in MAD).

  7. Adding psychiatric “medications” to unprocessed trauma is a recipe for disaster like no other. But no one need depend on so-called “mental health professions” for this either. But that’s something few “therapists” have the brains to realize or balls to mention to anyone, especially their so-called “clients”. Most hide behind a useless alphabet of dubious “qualifications”, while lacking the most important one of all: an ability to listen respectfully.

  8. Lori,

    Words. What can I say? Others have said your story is important. Your story is not alone.

    Your story should be shared with Americans, with Congress.

    Our stories should be shared with Americans, Congress.

    My story, part of it, is here, too.

    We need federal counts of psychiatric detainment. We need review of laws surrounding Big Pharma, insurance payments and psychiatry, the DSM, the labels, the drugs. All the stuff hiding dangerously behind the lame label: “mental health care.”

    Good luck is not good enough but good luck going forward.

  9. Hi Lori.

    Does Psychiatry care if they kill and maim? Not one iota. They are criminals that pretend to be doctors.
    It is an agency based on pretenses that they have knowledge of the brain.
    They develop machines that test your beta,alpha and god knows what, but even the highly esteemed neurologist has no clue what it means.
    So guess where EVERY single doc and specialist sends their client? To psychiatry.
    And so do teachers, parents, or anyone that is taught about what is normal.

    No one can fix arthritis, or Strokes, or so many diseases. But at least many can be identified to a degree. Yet even “identifying” them, they still have no fixes and certainly not without bad effects.
    There is absolutely no way to know the brain or mind mechanisms and certainly makes it much more complicated when we have a paradigm of “normal” in the mix.
    If people are bothered in any way by our needs, good old criminal psychiatry is there to pretend to help.
    What has psychiatry done so far? Create untold jobs to take care of the mess and deaths they created.

    I HATE ALL medicine since most use psychiatry to get rid of their overflow of patients.

    There is NO power for the patient except to walk away.

    I’m not sure when governments will act and convict psychiatry of crimes against humanity.

    It wouldn’t need to come to that if psychiatry admitted what a sham racket they run.

    Lori, you have more brain than any shrink could ever wish for. You have GUTS. They know this.
    And I am really sorry that those weak asses did their racket on you.

    Thank you for your GUTS, your insight, your voice. It is a great voice.

  10. I was thinking about what your saying about us all being made of the same ‘stuff’;

    The people who;

    Conspired to stupefy and commit an indictable offence, namely kidnapping

    Who put a date rape drug into my drink to stupefy/intoxicate

    Who lied to police and said I was an “Outpatient” of a hospital to procure their assistance in arbitrarily detaining someone they had no right to, and to cause an “acute stress reaction” to effectively torture

    Who planted a knife (and other items) on me when I collapsed for police to find and justify their violence towards me

    Who forged statutory declarations (sworn court testimony) with foresight for others to utter with

    Who neglected their duty of care towards me by not informing me I had been drugged without my knowledge

    Who forged a prescription to allow others to utter and attempt to pervert the course of justice

    Who unlawfully released my confidential medical records from a Private Clinic in breach of the Federal Privacy Act

    Who physically assaulted me in a locked ward because they knew I was outnumbered and had no mean of obtaining help

    Who denied me access to my own medical records (keep in mind these are MINE, and they are simply charged with protecting them) to conceal the offenses committed against me

    Who conspired to have me sign documents to enable them to compound or conceal criminal offences

    Who provided fraudulent documents to legal representatives to conceal these crimes, misconduct and human rights abuses

    Who obtained material assistance from said legal representatives who drafted a letter of complaint to the Chief Psychiatrist and then FORGED a response in his name, handing it back to me and throwing me under a bus for the State.

    Who attempted to have me attend the Emergency Dept and use the cover of the medical system to conceal an “unintended negative outcome”

    Who openly threatened to ‘fuking destroy’ me (and my family), and carried out that threat, for attempting to access the protection of the law

    Who committed acts of gross criminal negligence and dereliction of duty to enable to covering up of arbitrary detention and acts of torture.

    All this and more because?

    The were concerned that I might have the “potential for damage to reputation and meaningful relationships”

    I’d say that in a matter if a few hours these people have done more damage to our healthcare system, our justice system and the whole community for no other reason that their paranoid delusions and a manufactured ‘witch hunt’ caused by two seriously deranged people who got together and decided to use their power (or lack of it) to destroy someone who had rejected them both.

    I had refused to hand over the six figure compensation from my employer to the clinic psychologist for electric shock ‘treatments’, refused to accept the domestic violence of my wife in attempting to plunge a large carving knife into my heart as I lay on a couch in another room [confirmed by her to Police during my interrogation]. I note this was not documented, but the 20 cents damage to a photograph I had done was? ‘Spiking’ not documented on the statutory declaration, but my refusal to answer a question was? (an incriminating question, in front of police pointing weapons at you, drugged without your knowledge,, and denied access to legal representation or medical assistance before doing so? Think about that for a moment….. it subverts every judicial right you have to not self incriminate. Combine that with the ‘verballing’?)

    Take your pick, but I know who, in that narrative, is the danger to our community. And the failure to deal with the truth and the facts by those with a duty to ensure the safety of the community is possibly the biggest danger to us all…. because they move on to the next victim which may or may not be YOUR family.

    And if you stand and accept this sort of thing as being necessary to protect the community from the potentially mentally ill, don’t start complaining when they get bold enough to start ‘snuffing’ people for convenience…. they think your silence is your approval. Implied consent. You didn’t complain, and it’s not our fault if we didn’t provide you with the facts/truth…. that’s up to you to find out. And this is where the negligence of those with a duty is most effective…. like police when presented with the motive for deliberate harm…. “it might be best I don’t know about that”, and get the people who are trying to harm you to come and pick you up. Police handed one back to Jeffrey Dahmer too.

    • I smile when I think about the man who was handed back to Dahmer by Police, because like ‘mental health services’, he managed to convince police that he was ‘caring’ for the individual who he took home, tortured, killed and then ate.

      I suppose there must be some sort of cognitive dissonance for police when they are dropping “Outpatients” off at the hospital and they seem quite normal, and then in a matter of weeks sometimes, they are being called by families to come and shoot them because they are acting strange (asleep in their beds) and in possession of a knife. Without the drugs provided by mental health…. fairly normal, with the drugs….. nutjobs, window lickers or psychos (the three diagnoses which police have in their DSM It keeps it simple).

      Keep in mind my wife was using police to have me removed from my home (with a bait and switch) when her boyfriend was in town once the slander of “violent mental patient” had been applied….. she was kind of hoping they would kill me at that point, especially as I was trying to have something done about her offending. Police happy to fabricate the evidence to remove me (claiming I was drunk on sworn statements, which is absolutely absurd, but it seems forging for future uttering is highly effective for public officers), and assist in the building of a false narrative. Even using the court system to issue a “Violence Restraining Order” for the two weeks it took her to go through my documents and retrieve the ones the hospital wanted returned before sending the forgeries to the Law Centre. That means of denying me access to my property makes a mockery of the courts. Providing material assistance to corrupt public officers, and criminals.

      And like my wife discussing with the clinic psychologist the possibility of police shooting me as a result of ‘spiking’ me with date rape drugs and planting a weapon on me (their ‘referral’ method discussion), they may wish to roll the dice on their family members …. who will, after all not get the opportunity to explain to the Coroner that the weapon was actually placed on their person to justify police violence towards them for non compliance with instructions from a psychologist with a Masters degree no less. We call such weapons ‘throw downs’ in my State. And we call the date rape drugs your “Regular Medications” once the prescription for them has been forged. Clever of my wife and the psychologist to provide ‘ready mades’ (Marcel Duchamp) for police

      Bang, bang…. “put down the weapon” gets “edited” and becomes “Put down the weapon” bang, bang.

      Shot through the heart
      And you’re to blame
      Darlin’, you give love (and mental health services) a bad name

      The song that went through my head as I walked in front of a truck

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lg2TsRSpjyA

  11. Such a profound narrative. I so admire your courage and capacity to trust yourself going forward in the face of these soul crushing and life destroying institutions. I have a story that has some similarities to yours, but my grandmother passed away 3 years ago and left me a hefty inheritance. As a result I’ve been able to completely extricate myself from all systems of control, from my abusive family to the psychiatric institution. I also see a holistic trauma therapist and functional md to deal with years of abuse, iatrogenic damage, ongoing withdrawal, and untreated health conditions like sleep apnea that were ‘psychiatrized.’ Your story really hammers home something to me that is actually unbelievably devastating and unjust: I think it’s all but impossible to recover an take back your power after being debilitated by these kinds of systems UNLESS you have an enormous financial resource and complete autonomy over it, along with a LOT of luck in finding needle-in-a-haystack practitioners. I have SO MUCH respect for people like you who don’t have the benefit of my luck in this regard. I can’t imagine how you do it. You’re a beautiful courageous soul.

  12. To all my friends here at MiA, I believe I have completed the ‘puzzle’ I was presented with by ‘mental health services’. I know most don’t bother reading my ramblings, and that’s fine. But I post this comment as one of my last. I hope that you will take the time to read my “beyond a reasonable doubt” claim, and try and prove me wrong. I know this stands up to any scrutiny, and that it may be that others you know have been subjected to these arbitrary detentions by the State.

    I clearly have a tort for negligence, though it is tied up with a large amount of criminal misconduct by public officers (and also shows a motive for trying to harm me in the E.D.), and so the State is denying me a right to effective legal representation. The torture possibly being the motivating factor there.

    Anyway.

    What gave the Community Nurse the right to invade my home with police?

    1. I had NO ‘treating psychiatrist’ so any power to act under the Mental Health Act because I was a “patient” is not present.

    If ‘they’ had a treating psychiatrist’ I have no doubt that they would have named him/her. This would justify basically anything they did to me.

    2. The Private Clinic psychologist being my ‘treating practitioner’ has provided them with a “referral source”?

    Impossible, as she was NOT my psychologist, AND the “Time Limit” set in the Mental Health Act had expired a long time ago.

    The Triage documents have a section to record the “referral source” and someone has entered the word “UNKNOWN”

    3. Police referral under s. 195 Police Powers of the Mental Health Act?

    Definitely not, though this was what the FOI Officer KNEW to conceal immediately when I applied for my documents. They know HOW to get round the protections afforded by the law, and what to conceal when they do.

    The way these arbitrary detentions have been occurring is to create the appearance that Police have been the “referral source”….. I wonder how easy it is for others to see how this ruse works?

    From the documents it is clear that the Community Nurse has called Police and requested assistance with his “Outpatient”, Police have provided a “job number” for his request. The actions of police when they attended my home are completely consistent with them acting as if I was an “Outpatient” who had refused to speak to my Community Nurse (acting on behalf of my ‘treating psychiatrist’ AT THE HOSPITAL).

    The Community Nurse was made aware I had been ‘spiked’ with date rape drugs…. and yet asked no questions at all about my ‘medications’? He did ask about ‘illicit substances’ but would likely have been aware that I would refuse to answer due to the presence of police? So he could justify his ‘ignorance’ of my ‘medications’ by claiming I had refused to answer…….he was prepared to conceal his negligence in that regard.

    But what came out of the hour and a half I spent with the Member of Parliament, showing him the two sets of documents was that he identified what should have occurred.

    Words to the effect of ‘You should have been put in an ambulance, told that they needed to check your health as a direct result of having been given the drugs without your knowledge’….. and NOT thrown into the back of a police van and delivered via the sally port to the waiting team of thugs. What if I had started having epileptic fits in the van and died as a result of the ‘poisoning’? A death in Police custody…… and the Community Nurse off the hook? [putting aside the State sanctioned “editing” of legal narrative, and denial of effective legal representation] And it is here that a tort for negligence is available….. a clear breach of a duty of care.

    The ‘defense’ offered by the Operations Manager after her “formal investigation” was that ‘they’ were trying to save my marriage (an admission that they conspired to pervert I note). It’s a half decent attempt at finding a ‘good faith defense’ (and I have struggled with it, what if it were actually true?) It wasn’t…..

    The reason for not having me taken by ambulance to the hospital was because the Community Nurse was trying to create the false belief in his colleagues at the hospital that I was being delivered as a s. 195 Police Powers referral. Forge a Form 3 Transport Order, and police will now conceal the lack of a lawful referral source, without even knowing they are uttering with the forged document.

    This is the method he has used to conceal his lack of a lawful “referral source”, and thus the start of the conspiring to pervert the course of justice with the Senior Medical Officer.

    There is no other explanation, no other means of me being ‘treated’ in such a manner lawfully.

    So glad to have this written out and detailed to a point of “beyond a reasonable doubt”. This would have been so much easier without the criminal conduct of others, and with access to my documents for my legal representatives……. but they were conspiring to conceal the offending, not expose it. How nice of them to draft a letter of complaint to the Chief Psychiatrist, and then forge the response once they had confirmed I was no longer in possession of the “proof”.?

    Any thoughts? I value your opinions on these legal matters, as you haven’t been trying to throw spanners into the works to cause me psychological problems. Unlike the gaslighters I have been dealing with within my State. How many victims of the Mental Health Law Centre are there, who approached them only to find themselves in the situation Lori describes above years later? And then there are those who died, and ended their own lives…….. your a very sick woman Ms Principle, though also a very wealthy one I note. (“Human Rights Advocate”? That’s a fuking joke your playing on the community, and no doubt one you and the Minister laughed about at times)

    I’m more than happy to admit if I am wrong anywhere, but the Rubics Cube is now complete, and can be turned over to show that fact.

    Thankyou for your time.

    • The Fuhrerprinzip prescribed the fundamental basis for political authority of the government of National Socilaist Germany. “Der Fuhrer Hat Immer Recht”. The Fuhrers words are above written law.

      “In actual political usage, it refers mainly to the practice of dictatorship within the ranks of a political party itself, and as such, it has become an earmark of political fascism”

      I sit and look at the rewriting of the written law by our Chief Psychiatrist and can not help but be struck by the way his words are seen as being above the written law of this land. A “political fascist” as Chief Psychiatrist?

      What do I mean?

      The law provides a protection from arbitrary detentions by stating that the Authorised Mental Health Practitioner who “suspects on reasonable grounds that a person needs to be made an involuntary patient may refer that person for an examination by a psychiatrist”

      The “reasonable grounds” are set out in the Subdivision1 s. 26 Criteria of “who should be an involuntary patient”. There are basically 4 criteria to be met, for a referral to be considered lawful.

      However, the Chief Psychiatrist writes that

      “The referrer, in this case, a mental health clinician who has undergone
      training as an Authorised Mental Health Practitioner (AMHP), has only to ‘suspect’ on grounds they believe to be reasonable that the person requires an examination by a psychiatrist.”

      “reasonable grounds” burden removed, and person no longer needs to be seen as an “involuntary patient” but simply as needing a nice chat with a doctor. Thus, the criteria are now moot.

      He then goes on to use a known forged document as justification for the referral (falsely believing that police have retrieved the documents showing the context of the forged document, making it impossible to test it with logic and reason using the law), claiming that any proof that the document was forged (ie the referrer could not possibly have observed my thoughts) as being “justifiable explanations”

      This rewriting of the written law, removes the protection of the “reasonable grounds” criteria. We go from an objective legal standard, to a subjective interpretation which removes the protection of the law for the community, and places the power to refer anyone for any reason squarely in the hands of the Authorised Mental Health Practitioner.

      If you ever needed a good example of the Fuhrerprizip, this is it. The legal protections afforded the community in the Mental Health Act are subverted by the Chief Psychiatrist, who is quite clearly a political fascist.

      How dangerous could that be?

      I got to thinking about all this and realised that COVID was our Premiers metaphoric “Night of the Long Knives”…. his political opponents decimated, with only two seats in the Lower House being taken by the Opposition. It looks like the Communist Party of China.

      The motto? “Safe and Strong” Those with a knowledge of National Socialist propaganda would understand. the fear narrative, and the solution of a Great Leader to allay those fears.

      Euthanasia laws anyone? Passed and now looking at ‘tweaking’ them. And done according to Himmler’s diaries I note.

      I feel ashamed that this letter showing such political fascism on the part of our Chief Psychiatrist has been read by many intelligent people, lawyers who would see through the circular reasoning etc….. and yet not a soul prepared to say anything about the implementation of this fascist principle with our Mental Health laws.

      Perhaps they agree with the Chief Psychiatrist that there is a need to be able to arbitrarily detain and force drug/electrocute ‘suspects’ based on the ‘diagnosis’ of a Community Nurse? Perhaps they should enable such ‘treatments’ to be administered whilst police are present and citizens are asked about criminal conduct? Perhaps Police can provide mental health services with th e questions they would like answered during ‘treatments’? As was done to me outside my own front door, after I was snatched from my bed at the point of a police weapon because a Community Nurse wished to interrogate me….. whilst stupefied without my knowledge with date rape drugs (or do they become my “Regular Medications” because of the forged ‘backdated’ prescription?)

      Hands up all those at MiA who think this is okay? And I get it, your not exactly a conservative lot, but there are people here who defend the right of the State to ‘intervene’.

      So my State has regressed to a State of fascism, and the idea that WE value a rule of law is a lie….. a bare faced LIE. We won’t even stand up to those who would openly remove that rule of law, and replace it with the words of a Senior Public Servant who rejects the protections afforded the community by the law.

      Any wonder the police are running people down with motor vehicles and stomping on their heads because they need ‘help’? That police are making ‘referrals’ of victims of State sanctioned acts of torture for ‘treatments’? That public sector misconduct is being resolved by “fuking destroying” people who complain? Targeting their families?

      And think for a moment about what it was that the National Socialist’s actually did with their Fuhrerprizip. Arbitrarily detained and ‘treated’ people for their ‘genetic inferiority’…….. and would that be possible given the above?

      And you stand and watch……

      Once again, thank you for your time.

      • I mean, at least the National Socialist’s in Germany had a means of ‘scientifically’ identifying the people they wished to take out of the gene pool. These guys in my State are so random they are simply making stuff up at the moment……seriously. Take a look at this Form 1 as to how they are making up ‘mental illnesses’ and the Chief Psychiatrist claims that it doesn’t matter if the person is being burned with cigarettes, what matters are the “observed behaviours”?

  13. Hi Lori,

    I’m from a rural town born and raised near where you are from. I have yet to sincerely convince myself there is hope in what I had experienced in 20 years of believing in this system that is still doing the murdering and causation of suicide to so many. I wanted you to know that I cried the longest I have let myself cry for what seems like years now reading your story here. Thank you for being human with us now.

  14. Hi Lori,
    People see psychiatrists in good faith, expecting to get ‘help’ or at least a tad bit of compassion, but instead get denigrated with labels and punished. So sorry you endured such a long nightmare at the hands of psychiatry.

    When my brother was referred to a psychiatrist for ‘help’ with sadness (re divorce, young sons moving away with ex) I thought surely psychiatrists must have special knowledge to help people with distress, sadness etc. It was perplexing when all he got was a 20 minute appt once a month, drugged and later given ECT. It became alarming when his physical health deteriorated, he lost cognitive abilities and had to quit his job as an electrical engineer. Then one night he died in bed at age 40. His autopsy states poor metabolism and excretion of two drugs led to a chronic accumulation in his liver. His psychiatrist hadn’t even noticed his decline and was actually surprised by his death. That was my first clue as to how negligent psychiatry is. I would later have my own nightmarish encounter with a psychiatrist I saw under the pretense it was for “help with sleep meds” after chemotherapy and steroids caused insomnia. I would further learn how deceitful and totally absurd psychiatry is.
    Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. My heart breaks for you. I hope there may be some way to improve your health and hold these pathetic psychiatrists accountable for all the harm they do.